I love getting feedback and constructive criticism. Please feel free to comment. If you take the time to comment, I will take the time to respond.
With Twilight holding court, more and more ponies come to visit Ponyville. Royal Pin, the only tailor in Ponyville, has too much business to handle by himself. When he hires help to ease the pressure, at the suggestion of Rarity, he finds a partner in business and love.
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This is really good! I think you can be a bit more descriptive in general as there's a lot of floating dialogue where it reads as though everyone's a bunch of floating heads.
When Royal Pin blushes after Coco remarks that she also took a nice look at his rear its only acknowledged in story when Berry remarks that Pin is blushing. Royal Pin is the POV of the story, but in this part we don't know how he reacts until after the fact when the other characters say it.
I think you mean "Pinning the Heart". The stallion's called 'Royal Pin', and 'pining' means "miss or long for" ('pine' means "suffer a mental and physical decline, especially because of a broken heart"), which isn't really what you want.
9325720
Thank you for pointing out my mistake. That is what I get for uploading stories late at night. One letter can make a world of difference.
9325659
Thank you for pointing that section out. I will go back in and tighten that section up. It needs it. I am never sure if I am putting too much description in a story or not. I have gotten in the habit of putting in less. Now, I might be putting in too little. Hitting that sweet spot is something I need to work on.
I am glad that you are enjoying the story.
A very lovely chapter, looking forward to more.
9337671
Thank you. I am glad that you are enjoying the story. It's light, it's fluffy, it's full of empty calories, and I'm having fun writing it.
I hope to have the next chapter up by mid week.
9331086
I'm glad to see you in the comments section again. While I enjoyed working on Gathering Pieces, I have to admit I'm liking this story a bit more. It seems my heart is in slice of life rather than adventure.
9339854
Nothing wrong with the Slice of Life.
I wish I had any writing skills, I would finish the story I started some time ago...
AHHH I must read more this is so goooood.
9342743
Thank you! I am working on the next chapter and hope to have it out by the end of the week. I am glad you are enjoying it so far.
If like this kind of story, try Between a Rock Farm and a Hard Place. It has a similar fluffy feel.
Oh man, Pina and Pinch are really precious.
And I always appreciate a good story using Berry as a side character. Thanks for writing!
damn, rarity is cold blooded.
pre00.deviantart.net/4b10/th/pre/i/2012/364/f/3/rarity___charming_smile_by_shadyhorseman-d5ppa1r.png
i can see where your sweetie belle gets it.
huh. i kind of expected a few chapters of him bumbling around and maybe hijinks of will he/ wont he moments.
nice to get right to the point.
9363798
I thought about going that route, but the characters are mature business owners. Not that they do not have silly, foalish moments, but they are all over the blushing, stumbling younger years of courting, know who they are, and know what they want in their partners. I also did not want Pin to come off as spineless. He has concerns about the forming relationship, but they are reasonable and do not keep him from going after the possible mare of his dreams.
Pretty Good First Chapter :3
Is Royal Pin an OC?
9436663
Royal Pin is a background pony. He has been on the show several times, but has never had a speaking part that I know of. He also competes in the Equestria Games, which with be a minor plot point coming up soon.
Background ponies are fun to work with. They give a rough sketch to start with, so you are not having to make a pony from a complete blank, and since there is so little known about them you can take them in almost any direction. Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon are perfect examples of background characters that have become famous in their own right due to what authors have done with them.
Wow, this story just turned into a ship-fest fic! Seems like everypony is gonna be paired up.
Rarity and Thunderlane? Huh, don't think I've seen that pairing before.
Pinkie and Crème Brulee? Also one I don't think I've seen before. Most people pair her with Cheese Sandwich, but I guess this could work.
...Isn't anypony interested in Spike? Or he is he considered too young in this fic?
So, I thought Pin grew up in Canterlot, but here he states that he knew Thunderlane and Applejack as foals? Also, I get that his mother's talent is finding out about ponies, but how did she initially find out that her son was even dating Coco? They've only been "dating" for a few days, and their only real "date" wasn't so much a romantic gesture, as it was a get-together with friends. Who spilled the beans to Pin's parents?
9437579
Not everypony is going to be paired up. We have about reached critical mass with all the ships. Spike will have a part to play, but it will not be a romantic pairing. Pinkie and Creme Brulee being together is a nod to another of my stories, written a while ago, that had them paired up before Cheese Sandwich showed up on the show. Rarity and Thunderlane are not often shipped together, but there are a couple of good stories out there that pull it off.
Pin grew up part time in Canterlot, while going to a boarding school, and part time in Ponyville. His grandparents were the main care providers, when Pin was not in school, so he got to know ponies in Ponyville. Filthy Rich spills the beans about them dating, earlier in the story, to Pin's parents. Thank you for pointing out that it seems like their first 'date' was the gathering they had at Pin's apartment. I will go back and make it clearer that some time has passed and they have gone on a couple of dates since that gathering.
Thank you for the comment and the interest in the story. I am glad you are enjoying it.
Cute than he remembers those little details about her.
Forget tickle monsters, in pony-land nibble monsters rule! (,,,Actually, it wouldn't surprise me, given the tone of the show, if there really were monsters in Equestria whose special talent was tickling.)
Given that this fic takes place before Rarity opens her Manehatten location, and that in the show it was Coco who was helping run the Manehatten location, one can only hope that this is AU in that respect, lest it mean that Coco will have have broken with Pin sometime in the next few months, or they engage in a long-distance relationship. Perhaps Coco will simply follow Rarity to help oversee the opening, and then falls sick along the way, if you wanted to keep it cannon. Pin might very adept at helping her feel better. 😉
9477348
I am glad that you are enjoying the story. Thank you for the comment.
It may be like going through a narrative obstacle course to make sure I do not stray too far from cannon, but I think I will be able to manage to give everypony a happy ending while sticking to the show's events. Thanks in great part to the times that Coco is mentioned as doing her own thing in episode Honest Apple.
I now find myself waiting for the next chapter of your story.
Thank you for a very entertaining read.
9528753
I am glad you are liking the story. I should have the next chapter up by this weekend, if all goes well. I am learning to tell life to back off so I can do the things I enjoy, including writing.
A very nice addition.
I'll admit, I was expecting more fun/embarrassment with the parents at dinner in this chapter, but the cutaway was still seet, and the mom's "package" was a nice gag too.
I guess this story has entered a slightly AU timeline now, since, in the show, Big Mac got his marefriend after Rarity opened her Manehatten location.
9530836
Thank you very much. I had fun with this chapter and I am glad you enjoyed it.
To be honest, I am trying to stick with the timeline as best I can while keeping the story going, but it can be difficult to tell when certain things happen. The story might have veered from the official series of events a bit, but with so many episodes happening without any true references to other happenings in the show, I think it's still within the broad brushstrokes of the overall timeline. I also figure if the writers can play around with 'moons' and other measures of time as much as they do I can fudge a little as to the sequence of events too.
Thank you for another chapter in your deliteful story..
9605708
I am glad you are enjoying the story. Sorry about the delay since the last chapter. Life got me by the scruff of the neck again and delayed things. I hope to return to a more normalized schedule of writing and publishing soon.
Oi, even more potential ships? Looks like you have a plan to have almost every character ship with somepony/drake.
Good chapter overall though; hints of the upcoming issue dealing with whether Pin and Coco will have to deal with a long-term relationship, and more emphasis on the secondary characters in the fic. Of course, can't forget the Whooves/Derpy family, always a fan favorite. 😉
A few grammatical mistakes and missing words/dialogue, but nothing that detracts too much from the story. Though...Spike calls it a Castle Warming party, but is that to say it's a Hearth's Warming party being held in the castle?
9608663
Thank you for the heads up on the mistakes. Some were goofs on my part. Others seemed to be bits lost when I transfered the document from Google Docs. I thought I had gotten them all.
I am sorry for the delay on this chapter. There were parts I had to rework a couple of times before they hit they right tone. I am looking forward to hearing what you think about the next chapter.
Awww, a very sweet chapter!
One of the things I like about this story, is how it connects so many of the "secondary" characters together in a way that makes them all seem so familiar to each other; the Whooves, Pin, the Berries, the Cakes, Lyra and the flower girls, and Bon Bon, etc. It's the way you'd expect people to be so familiar with each other in a small town. Other stories have done it too, but they're usually action-based or focus on how some of the townsponies get enrolled in S.M.I.L.E. or something. Your's is complete slice-of-life, with good emotional attachment.
Gee, and how thoughtful of Rarity to send her packages ahead. Remember all those times you had Spike carry a small mountain of packages for you, Rarity? Hmm? How nice that would have been to do that for him as well (not that he didn't love carrying them for you, but still...).
It's still abit of an odd pairing to me; Rarity and Thunderlane. I get that Rarity is the only of the Mane 6 to really feature in this story, on account of her and Pin having similar occupations in the same town and having grown up together in Ponyville with the others (at least for a time), but Rarity always seems to go for fashion-minded "influencers", as-it-were. I can understand Thunderlane's attraction to her, in the same way I can understand Spike's. And I know that Thunderlane is generally a decent gentlecolt. But since being a decent gentlecolt hasn't been enough for Rarity before (Spike aside, I'm sure she's had plenty of interest from Ponyville's bachelor population, and the town seems quite populated by decent folk), what changed now? What was the chemistry? The interest she had in him that made her give him a chance?
Also, was Coco in Manehatten with Rarity and Applejack? Why didn't Rarity mention what was going on with Coco to Pin?
9647575
Coming from a small town, I try to reflect the various relationships and connections that can happen. Some are almost expected, while others will surprise you at first but make sense once you learn the background of how the individuals linked up. With all the wonderful ponies to choose from, it's almost like a game. However, I try not to drop a character just for the sake of doing so. If they do not link up the with story and the ponies in a meaningful way, I keep them out.
They are a bit of an odd couple, but there is a touch of reasoning behind my madness. Thunderlane caught Rarity when she fell from the Wonderbolt's training grounds in season three and received a big hug from her in return. They had a moment, but neither of them acted on it. (I put more weight on not making a move on Thunderlane's side, but Rarity seemed to miss the opportunity too.) After having her expectations fall flat with Trenderhoof in season four, Rarity does not seem to be quite as keen to seek out a special somepony. In my warped mind, it is a sign of her developing more realistic expectations for a relationship. Sure, she keeps flirting with stallions to get her way, but she doesn't go gaga over any of them as she had before that point. For this story, that allows Thunderlane an opportunity to make a connection with her. He is a Wonderbolt, who has ties all over Equestria. He has a caring, generous soul, as shown when he helps his brother with his disagreement with the CMC and their cutie mark camp. He also seems to be hard working and kind to mares like Flitter and Cloudchaser, who even tease him a bit. For this story, all it took was a little bump in the right direction and the right timing and Rarity and Thunderlane made their beginning connection. Since their courting is 'off camera' for the story, we may never know exactly how the two connected. (I have a feeling Thunderlane has a way with mares when he wants to pull the charm out and quits acting like a colt.)
Coco was in Manehatten helping set up the community play. Due to the friendship problem the community had, Rarity and Applejack were sent there by the map later. As for Rarity not saying anything, she got carried away by Thunderlane before she got a real chance to say much of anything. This will addressed soon. I am working on the next chapter as fast as I can while not letting the quality of the story suffer.
I appreciate you taking the time to write to me. It makes me feel good, knowing there is someone out there who likes a story enough to reach out.
And we appreciate you writing said good story to begin with! Thanks!
9647575
I just realized that I didn't address Rarity sending the packages back. I am with you in that she seems to do such things on purpose. Judging by what she can do in her shop, especially if the scene when she sings Art of the Dress is a true example of her levitation talent, she could handle a lot of luggage herself just with her magic. However, I think she uses such situations as a set up to be kind to those that help her. I cannot think of a time when she did not give a pony a good tip for helping her out. (Bellhops, taxi ponies, and the like.) I think she is generous, but not indiscriminately so. If a pony is willing to lend her a hoof, she is ready to reward their selflessness. To my thinking, since she did not have any pony to help her during her trip and to reward she sent her items home to not be a burden on anypony else.
I was just wondering, the whole group seems fairly secure, and not bothered by Coco being an Earth pony, or at least no pony has said anything, which at this point the worst thing I can see Pin doing is asking them to leave, and or walking out of the room himself.
9661570
I do not think anypony linked to Pin cares Coco is an earth pony. (Especially his mom, who just wants grandfoals to fuss over and spoil.) Pin's insecurities a the beginning of story stemmed from how he thought he would be perceived as a unicorn from Canterlot, not so much what he thought those around him would think of her. The only one I would think he would be concerned about as to having a negative reaction would be his sister since she had the fit the last time she visited.
I agree with you. PIn would stand up for Coco if someone brought up her being an earth pony in a negative way. If she were in the room when such comments were made, I am sure he would stay by her side and ask the speaker to leave. He asked his sister to leave to protect his friends. I am sure he would be willing to do so again to whoever was nasty to Coco or anypony else.
Thank you for sticking with the story. I enjoy seeing your comments and getting your take on how things are unfolding.
You shouldn’t stretch prior to exercising. You warm up before exercise, stretch after. Stretching first tightens up your muscles and you can hurt yourself.
9665170
Thank you for pointing that error out. I have changed that section. I do not want to be the cause for any charley horses by putting improper exercise procedures out there.
I can't wait till Coco gets back, and I'm sure she'll want a copy of Pin with brades.
Ah, still filled with enough family-friend sweetness to give ya cavities! (It's okay though, Minuette is a good dentist, I hear! 😉)
Seriously though, it's a good reveal for Satin's fiancée, and, as I said, good sweety cuteness. You did another good job of intertwining everypony and establishing connections. Now associates will become tight family, that's nice. I do kinda wish we saw Satin making up with the rest of the Berry family, but it was probably much like she did with Pinch and Pina, except more grown-up words (...maybe. The foals have surprisingly grown-up vocabularies to begin with.)
Huh, Pin as an archer? That's a twist I didn't see coming. Also, I can see how Stormbreaker would be a good teacher at basics of archery, but I wonder if technique is just abit different considering he uses his wings and the foals at Celestia's school use magic?
Also, Pin still hasn't been informed of the events that challenged his far Coco? Shame on you Rarity; the biggest gossip in in Ponyville and you were front and center of it all and still haven't even blabbed to Pin yet! Get going girl! Your Pegasus boy-toy and his younger brother are out having a meal with him right now; it's a perfect excuse to intervene!😉
9687611
She will get that and much more. She is coming back next chapter. Things will get hectic and wild from that point on.
9688631
I try to play within the bounds of the show as much as I can. While doing my research on Pin's appearances, I was surprised to note he was listed as participating in the Equestria Games as an ice archer. I double checked the episode, and there he was. I had to do a little dancing around to come up for a reason he was on the Canterlot team rather than Ponyville's but it worked out.
The gossip is going to fly soon. The next chapter is going to be a doozy, if I can pull it off.
9688653
Very good most folks could do with a little excitement in their lives...
I guessed it was the parents as soon as they knocked...well, either that or Twilight had decided to stop by for some reason, but then that would've been funnier if she had teleported in during the conversation about princess flanks.
So, was the bit about Sweetie and Spike just a ruse to distract Pin, or does Pina have actual competition?
Also, I find it adorable that seemingly innocent things like tail-swishing and ear-nibbling are seen as borderline risqué in this fic. That's just too kawaii.
Look forward to the next chapter.
Oh, and Pin still needs to hear more about Coco's adventures in Manehattan! He has a real show-mare coming up! 😉
For personal reasons, I was having something of an anxious week and was very much wanting a bit of light-hearted fluff to help steady myself and take my mind off things. I clicked the refresh on your story daily in hopes that you might coincidentally oblige. And you did. Thank you.
I was expecting something a bit more...dramatic from Pin and Satin's parents when they met Stormchaser, but they seem to have mostly hit it off. I guess they can tell that he makes their daughter happy.
As always, your portrayal of the Hooves family made me feel warm and gooey inside.😚
A very meaningful insight from Rarity. I'll admit that I didn't at all anticipate Spike's pairing (if there was to be one) ending up this way. I wonder if this was your original intent? Either way, it works out, and I'm glad for everyone involved. On a more humorous note: psst, Pinch, it's called a herd, look it up, Spike could use all the love he can get! 😉
I almost wish that I could see Spike's reaction to this situation with the flowers, even if he couldn't really participate in the braiding. But I understand he can't really intrude yet for a number of reasons, nt the least of which being he may not even realize he's being courted at all at this point.
In some Polynesian (Ponyneasian?) cultures, placing a plumeria bloom on the left side of your head versus the right will indicate whether you are available or taken. This is despite the fact that plumerias aren't, in fact, native to Polynesia.
I wonder what flower Pin gave Coco? Obviously one proposing marriage or asking for life together, but I don't know the flower language, so I don't know which one. If you went over it in a previous chapter, I admit that I've forgotten. In any case, the girls were rather sly in that they had that particular flower placed amongst the selection in the basket to begin with, suggesting that they intended to help Pin along, if he wished for it.
Thanks again for the pick-me-up.
9753451
I like to write fluff pieces is to let the drama of day to day life slip away for a bit. I am glad that my story cheered you up too. Knowing that someone else out there is looking forward to seeing how things turn out gives me motivation to keep typing.
Pin gave Coco a heart's desire. The flower is same one that Apple Bloom used in a potion trying to get her cutie mark early, but ended up giving herself the cutie pox instead. Since the flower is fictitious, I went with the flower's name to reflect its meaning. Thank you for pointing out that the scene did not emphasis what flower Pin gave her. When I went back and read that section, I had a hard time finding the name of the flower myself. I added a couple of bits to draw more attention to the flower so it will not get lost so easily.
Thank you for the comment and for staying with me through this journey. I am typing away at the next chapter and hope to have it out soon.
Uhh, dad, that's only gonna encourage 'em.
Another enjoyable, adorable, chapter with lotsa fuzzies! There is just a hinted undertone of worry on Pin's part about Coco eventually leaving, but I think we all know how that'll eventually turn out. Still, a very welcoming new chapter to really helped relax my day. Thank you for this!
Always a pleasure to see you've posted a new chapter.
I am really enjoying this story.
9869997
Thank you! I am hoping to step up my writing soon so chapters will come a bit faster. The warm fuzzies will keep coming about the same pace, though.