- Member Since 24th Mar, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 11th, 2022
-Singleton-
Recovering former brony. Came for the ponies, stayed for the community.
-Singleton-
Joined 24th Mar, 2014 ·
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I loved it!
How it was carried out, seeing Celestia slowly slip into madness, seeing how "Adam" was able to pull the very strings of her "perfect philosophy" to change her into a dark version of herself. I see many biblical parallels within this as well, as the Bible speaks of "the old Adam within us, tempting us to sin" and whatnot, so this was also very refreshing, making that parallel to my studies on the Bible.
Very dark, very lovely, and very good as well.
I think we all have that same "Adam" telling us the very same thing as well.
Thanks! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Sometimes I get all philosophical and I can't help but write something contemplative like this.
5667332 Very much intended :)
5667341 Glad you enjoyed it, and the follow is very much appreciated.
5667353 Whos to say its not already in the works?
It has a promising start. Your prose is excellent, and you have some very detailed descriptions. Though I would recommend the following things.
1. Fix up the commas. You don't need a comma after dialogue that ends with an exclamation point. Just the exclamation point is fine.
"Example dialogue!" he exclaimed. But you *do* need a comma when addressing a character. "Isn't that right, Celestia?"
2. If I were you, and this is just my personal preference so please feel free to ignore it, I would either have more happen in this scene, or more exposition/setup, or I'd just make it a shorter scene. It's still a good scene, but that's what I would do.
Hope this helps you.
5667661 Thanks for your feedback, it is much appreciated!
5667661 Ah, i forgot to set the story to completed, as this is just a short one shot, as opposed to the beginning of a larger story.
5667685 Oh well that explains a lot
5667723 Once again, thanks for your feedback. I never knew that rule about commas and dialogue ending in exclamations. Thanks a bunch for telling me about it.
5667240
you've got to assume there are strings to pull though. The flaw of all these sorts of stories
Who Adam?
5667836 Adam is the gnawing voice in the back of everyone's head/mind.
Ooooo.... This could make a good story. This could be prequel to the real thing.
This was great...
It freaked me out a little because my name is Adam, so when I talk to myself I'm really talking to Adam...WOW. That's creepy.
Anyway, I know why Adam believes evil is right, because it can be (depending on how you look at it). If there were no evil in the world, we would never know good. Adam gives the world evil so that there can be good...
There is no joy without pain. There is no peace without contentions. Evil is the driving force that inspires good. Thus, Adam does the work of creating evil so that there can be good.
5667240
Hello and salutations.
Sincerely,
Adam...
(Sorry for commenting too much)
If you ever want some one to narrate this story (specifically Adam's voice), I'm down for the challenge...
I also noticed that Adam has a lot of similarities with Hitler - charismatic, bold, and dangerously compelling...
A young Hannibal Lecter even. Persuading, charming, but behind it all, he's evil.
Great Story, I loved it. It still scares me, but it's going in my favorites...
- Adam
5668019 Perhaps.
5667817 Not hard to assume, really. Celestia has shown several faults in the show, and, while understandable, she comes off as the typical "I'm far more experienced, so I can't be wrong" type. Ms. Wisdom missed way too many warning signs regarding the changelings that she may as well have handed the kingdom to Chrysalis on a silver platter. She then gave a BS lecture on following one's instincts (that led to Twilight being misunderstood and shunned in the first place) instead of apologizing. She turns around later and tells Twilight to leave her friends behind to protect them when she knew full well DISCORD KNEW ABOUT THEM. These are just a few major examples. What about trying to use blind logic and duties to talk down a pissed off mare? I can tell you from personal experience that the LAST THING you want to do in that scenario is remind them of the problem, and arouse their fury more. She's not perfect, and so it's not hard to believe that she could be imperfect in her beliefs as well.
5670797 Well said. Its always nice when a reader with a good amount of background knowledge and comprehension skills makes a good case against an easily refutable statement. As an author, I try not to get too involved in the comment arguments to avoid ruffling anyone's feathers.
Thanks for pointing out that Celestia does indeed have strings to pull.
Speaking of which, where's Black Ultron? :3
Poop
5667260 Hmmm, very interesting. It bears similar parallels to my own story "The Howling Pony" and the reasons why I wrote it. Good Work.
I would've assumed that Celestia and Luna would have some form of signal they could send between each other the moment one of them began to hear Adam's voice as it is mentioned that Luna talked to her about it. I did enjoy this little decent into madness aside that however.
5671418 Thanks. Please also note that Celestia's magic was disabled by Adam at first, (unable to light candle) before he was sure that she wouldn't try and go against his wishes of turning her into Solar Flare. You must realize that from the very beginning of the story, Adam is slowly changing Celestia, which stifles her decision making process, even from the very outset of the story.
5671427 She still lights the Candle with her magic however. It has also been shown on the show that while she occasionally does make the mistake of "knowing better than you", she generally plans out multiple scenarios. Having forewarning of Adam's general existence at the least as she is shown instantly knowing that she had no escape from him; I still feel like she would have sent a signal out.
But that's just how I feel about it.
5671461 Fair enough. Everyone is entitled to their own interpretation of literature. I'm just glad you enjoyed it none the less. :)
5670969 ... Umm... did you even read the story? Or did you just assume from the start? This 'evil' isn't something Celestia has ever canonically beaten as far as current knowledge is concerned. She overthrew Discord and banished Nightmare Moon by the power of the Elements of Harmony. Not by any power of her own. Furthermore, Celestia has proven she can be wrong, even horribly wrong, in the show more than once. Add in that the entity that revealed itself as 'Adam' had a grip on her before she even knew what was happening, and you have a classic mind-alteration story that has absolutely nothing to do with "the dark-side of immortality and war."
The fic is nice, and the moral is quite accurate I'd say but there are two things I don't understand.
1)Where the hell did Adam pop up from?
2)Celestia seemed to be okay once Adam left. Sure her ideals might be corrupted and all but where is her... goal? I mean she gets the armor and all and that's fine but we're not given a target... WAITAMINUTE... no...
She's going after Chrysalis and the changelings?
For that matter when is this placed in the timeline?
Still interesting... Glad you poked me to read it.
5674838 1) He was taken from Eve and Eden...
2) Possibly, it'd be a nice twist to the expected
5678484 Eh I doubt that it's the same Adam.
5678488 Its not the same Adam from the garden of Eden, but his name is intentional. See Eris. H Discordia's comment on what the name means.
Adam is my own creation, an original character you could say.
5678492 Oh yea i noticed that. Maybe I just thought it was Adam from Bioshock or something you know... the substance.
Hmm…
This was an interesting read! Some suggestions:
- Some more sensory details from Celestia would've been nice, just to help show her emotions.
- When Adam starts talking in earnest, he loses that air of menace in favor of sounding casual.
- I expected Celestia to present more of an argument to Adam, rather than just listening. Personally I'd expect her to disagree with the idea of there being no moral absolutes, but that doesn't really matter; either viewpoint can be sufficiently twisted. Since she knows his connection to Nightmare Moon, her willingness to sit there and listen is very odd
- When it comes to the box, she doesn't seem to hesitate very much. She spends very little time (as perceived by the reader, at least) thinking over her next move prior to reading the note and opening the box
- I'm not really sure where the ending came from. It didn't feel like Adam actually affected any change in her at all. My first thought as I read was actually that she was seeing a hypothetical version of herself (ie how she'd look if she gave in to Adam). I also don't see what her desire is. Luna's descent into Nightmare Moon was sparked by some specific emotions and desires, which don't appear to have analogues in Celestia here
- Naming him Adam doesn't quite work for me, even though it's a great overall title. The name carries a meaning for the reader that would be completely lost on Celestia, which is especially troubling when he jokes about it with her.
5691787 Very much welcome feedback, and all valid points. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this story, and I'm glad you thought it was interesting, despite its shortcomings.
If you'd be interested in checking out my main ongoing project, TLOB:U, I'd also love to hear what you have to say about that.
Anyways, thanks for giving this story a shot, means a lot to me!
It's Always interesting to read fics that reflect upon the subject of what is good and evil, a subject i myself have ponderd over a great deal of times, well written and quite interesting, great work!