Sometimes, reality is best understood through fiction.
Other times, the two are harder to distinguish between.
Family is often such a complicated matter.
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Foehn
Joined 4th Feb, 2015 ·
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I wrote a review of this story. It can be found here.
The only thing that didn't work would be 'began the start something'. This is really excellent! You are obviously an author worth knowing.
Fascinating. Murakami-esque at times. The only real issue is that there are no indications that this is Blueblood we're looking at; it could just as easily be a noble OC. Aside from that, I quite enjoyed it.
Some days I have the realization that I really should step up my game.
5822219 Agreed.
This is the first story I have ever seen that has 20 likes, and no dislikes at the same time. I will not break this cycle.
Beautiful.
You have a wonderful ability to turn prose into something resembling poetry. And I love how appropriate the Macbeth reference is here, despite a very different context.
5822219
I really, really need to get round to reading those Murakami books at home if it's anything like this.
I feel as if you drew much inspiration from this. These two are very similar, if you don't mind me saying.
5981334
Indeed I did. Perhaps they come off too similar, though to be fair I'm still getting the hang of this writing thing.
5981121
A lot of Murakami's longer works are very...strange. I'm not sure how much of it's due to the translation, his writing style, or is just reflective of Japanese writing as a whole. It's one of those things people tend to either love or hate.
5980688 agreed.
5980668
Says he of the 92 stories
If anything, it's people like me who need to step up their game
5980688
5982861
The advantage of being an unknown writer- nobody bothers to put in the effort to dislike your stories
5980897
"The ill-timed truth we might have kept--
Who knows how sharp it pierced and stung?
The word we had not sense to say--
Who knows how grandly it had rung!"
If you hadn't mentioned the Murakami story, I'd've pegged this for a prose-poem meditation on the theme of "The Fool's Prayer" by Edward R. Sill.
Which I've always rather liked. I like this story too.
Oh, dear. I get to be the neigh-sayer.
The writing is polished. The content is not up to the level of care expended on it. "Family is a complicated matter", the description says, but this matter is not complicated. It is black-and-white: The narrator's father is a nasty racist. The narrator is not. The story ends by saying "And it broke him," but it did not, and "A sad story, don’t you think?", but it was not. Most people have some sadder story than that in their own lives. There's no story here, just a situation. There are no characters, just positions on an issue oversimplified to the point of irrelevance.
There's a mix of show and tell here. The opening shows us his father's prejudice with the rainy reunion. But then it also tells us everything we were supposed to infer from that showing. That's better than not showing at all, but it wastes words. Then the second half is all completely telling, and the last line, "A sad story, don’t you think?" tell us what to think, which is the worst kind of telling.
Very good prose, though.
6053467
Unfortunate,perhaps, but only in that you're the only one to speak up. I'm here to learn, which starts with people telling me what I did wrong, so I don't do it again. Where to start?
This story, alongside my other, was pushed out because I realized that
1. I wanted to write, but I kept sitting down and re-editing the same two stories that
2. Both had severe problems that I was capable of detecting, but not fixing at the time, and that
3. The best way to improve was to post them and get a third party perspective from people who know what they're doing.
And that's where you come in, and I agree with what you've said. It is too 'telly', what little moral dilemma the piece had is overly simplified, and somewhere in those endless revisions a large part of what made it an interesting story, at least to me, was lost. I'm glad that a lot of people managed to nonetheless enjoy it, and getting an RCL interview was incredibly flattering. But it sits on my profile as a big sign labelled "YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS". It's not a bad story, but it's not a great one either, and it could have been.
So thank you for taking the time to point out where I went wrong. It's what I need. Hopefully the next time you come by, I'll have made a few less mistakes.
That ended up far more long winded than it set out to be. Whoops. Still working on that.
I enjoyed your symbolism and prose, though a bit heavy-handed at the end. My favorite part of this was the unique way you told this story, and for that I had to favorite it
Write on
6184605
Would you be able to show me where? It might be that I'm using the British spelling (with an s) whereas you're used to the American spelling (with a z). Alternatively, I'm just really poor at spotting my own typos
This is the only error I found.
Hello! Have a review. A really interesting experiment that paid off, though I think maybe too subtle for me. Liked, anyway!