An Apple A Day

“Sho come on, Mac,” Caramel slurred as he leaned across his drunken best friend. “Tell me, wash that draggen got that a mare ain’t?”

Big Mac pushed his lush-of-a-friend off, as he downed another cider. “Ah told ya, ‘mel. Ah don’t swing that way, unless Ah been poisoned or somethin’!”

“I mean, come on, Macky! You coush have any mare ya wanted,” Caramel continued, ignoring Big Mac’s protestations. “I mean, ya had Bon Bon eye’n ya up at the Shummer Wrap Feshtivil, an’ she’s the biggest dyke in all of Ponyville!”

“Well, I never!” a voice echoed behind them.

“Don’t listen to him, Bonnie!” another voice said. “But, in truth, you are kind of dyki— I’m sleeping on the couch again tonight, aren’t I?”

“Yoush even had the Prinshesh kish you! The Prinshesh!” Caramel shouted. “And not like the purple or the white one, but the besh prinshesh!”

Big Mac sighed. “Ah know, but if’n ya recall, Ah didn’t do nunna the kissin’ back!”

“And if there wash ever a moment I thought Big Mac wash gay, that wash it!” Caramel said, slapping his friend on the back.

“Exactly!” Big Mac groaned. “Ah don’t understand why it’s so hard fer ya t’ understand that!”

“But all the maresh! All the maresh, Mac! All of ‘em!”

Big Mac brought his hoof to his brow, trying to rub his headache away. He wasn’t supposed to have one until tomorrow.

“Well, now ya can have all the mares t’ yerself!”

Caramel stared at Big Mac, his eyes wide and tearful. “You… you’d do that for me?”

“Sure, ya can have all the mares now, Ah don’t want ‘em!”

Big Mac was tackled by a very huggy-drunk Caramel. Years ago, he would have been exceedingly happy about this turn of events… but after one disastrous night out, and a very strong affirmation that Caramel certainly did not bat for the same team… Mac had quashed that particular hope.

“Sho…” Caramel said, as he let Mac out from the hug, “You didn’t ansher my queshtion! Wash that draggen got that ponysh ain’t got?”

Big Mac allowed the goofy grin to cross his face. It was a common thing, when he thought about his handsome drakefriend. Spike had come a long way from the pudgy little baby dragon he had been when he and the Princess had first arrived.

After his first (permanent) growth spurt, Spike had filled out to be quite the imposing figure of dragonhood. His muscles were well-toned underneath his hard scales. He stood at least a cannon above Big Mac now, something none but the princesses had been able to do before… and he’d already explained his disinterest in them.

While Spike had never grown wings like most of his other draconic brethren, he had grown their same sharp features, his long snout and large dorsal spines giving him quite the masculine appearance. Big Mac was a stallion’s stallion, and he had always trended more towards those who had the same gruff outer appearance he had.

But it wasn’t just his physique that had impressed Big Mac. Spike had proved to be a hard worker, now tall enough to reach the apples when standing on his hind legs. He had also proven to be exceptionally intelligent, which Mac should probably have guessed, especially since the dragon had grown up under the tutelage of Twilight Sparkle.

Big Mac thought back fondly of the nights they had spent under the stars, Spike explaining the different constellations and their meanings, whilst Big Mac lay on the dragon’s soft, warm belly. It always surprised Mac, how soft the dragon’s belly was, when so much more of him was hard scale and powerful muscles. It was almost a metaphor for the both of them— so hard on the outside, but the both had their soft tender sides they shared together.

“Youf gone all goofy, Mac!” Caramel said, poking Big Mac in the side with his hoof.

Big Mac sighed. He just couldn’t catch a break to daydream about his dreamy drakefriend. But if Caramel wanted to know what Spike had that no other pony had, or could even come close to having… he’d tell him!

“Fine, if ya wanna know, it’s the size of his ‘hoard’!”

Caramel stared blankly at Big Mac, uncertain if he had heard what he thought he had.

“Hish… hoard?”

Big Mac nodded, glad to see the stallion finally shutting up.

“But I’ve sheen him… where would he—”

“He hides it away.”

Caramel looked down at his slowly emptying cider mug. “How big?”

Mac smirked. “Huge!”

“Howdy, Princess Twilight,” Mac said with a slight bow as he entered the castle main hall. It had been ten years since she’d arrived in this town, but it was still hard to believe his sister and her friends owned a timeshare in a crystal castle, of all things. Big Mac would have just taken the boat.

“Big Mac,” the Princess replied, coolly.

Big Mac was slightly taken aback. They had always had their little back and forth for years now, even before he had started dating Spike. He’d give a little bow, call her ‘Princess’, then she’d say she is happy to be ‘just Twilight’ to her friends.

Now she stared at him with cold, appraising eyes, intimidating him with every inch of height she had gained since her ascension.

“Uhh, is S-Spike here?” he stuttered.

Twilight turned her head from the stallion, and lit her horn.

“Spike, your coltfriend is here,” she called, her voice magically echoing through the hallways.

Big Mac stood in silence, deliberately avoiding the gaze Princess Twilight was giving him right now (as it was very much a Princess gaze, capitalised, emphasised and terrorised!) Thankfully, in the deathly silence between them, he could hear the rhythmic click-clack of Spike’s claws on the crystalline floor approaching them.

He wasn’t alone.

“No, Rarity!” Spike growled, as he stalked towards the Princess and the farmer. “You don’t get to play that game with me anymore.”

“But Spikey-Wike—”

“No!” Spike clamped her muzzle shut with a slight pinch of his claws. “Now, I am going to go and have a lovely afternoon with my coltfriend—” He shot Twilight a dirty look as he said this. “—and we will discuss this later.”

The way Spike’s deep baritone voice reverberated through the hall rivaled even the Princess’ magically amplified voice. It spoke one thing: finality.

Spike’s foul demeanor lifted as he turned to meet his coltfriend’s gaze. He lumbered forward, pulling Big Mac into a passionate kiss… which Mac happily reciprocated, despite any glowering the alicorn was doing.

“How are you doing, hon?” Spike asked.

“Much better now yer here,” Mac replied, nuzzling the side of Spike’s scaly neck.

“Spike—” Twilight started, only to be cut off by the dragon.

“I said, later.” Spike held a claw out to Big Mac. “Ready?”

Big Mac stared nervously at the claw. While they had been dating for a few months, they had never held hooves… or claws… or hoof and claw (Big Mac cared not for the semantics of it!) in public. This would be it, the final declaration, to Ponyville proper, that he and the drake were dating.

Swallowing the dry lump that had formed in his throat, Big Mac held his hoof out and placed it in Spike’s palm. The stallion’s heart fluttered when he was rewarded with a goofy grin from the dragon.

“Let’s go!”

Big Mac tried to ignore the stares that he and Spike were getting from many of the residents of Ponyville. Whilst some were out of shock (it wasn’t often you saw such a blatant public display of affection outside Hearts and Hooves day), he noted there were several that were rather unfriendly in their gaze.

The Cakes were sitting outside the front of the bakery. Carrot seemed to be helping Pound and Pumpkin with some schoolwork, when Cup got his attention and pointed towards Big Mac and Spike.

Feeling a little nervous, Big Mac tilted his head back in acknowledgement of the Cakes, as it was a little hard to wave when one hoof was already in Spike’s claw.

Big Mac felt his heart sink as both Carrot and Cup frowned, then started packing the foals’ homework up and moved inside.

It wasn’t fair. He had been reasonably close acquaintances of Carrot and Cup for years, After all, it was Sweet Apple Acres that supplied half the town’s businesses with their apples. It was hard to not form a friendship with the ponies he worked with.

But a single stroll with his drakefriend, and it all seemed to be going to pit. Would publically dating a male, and a dragon at that… was he risking the family business?

The sole surprise he had gotten was from Diamond Tiara, who had smiled and winked at him as they walked past, before returning to her date with Silver Spoon.

It wasn’t fair! An anger welled up inside Big Mac as he festered on the issue. Nopony had even batted an eye over anypony his sister had dated. Heck, any dalliance she had, no matter how short they had been, were inevitably plastered in every tabloid magazine from here to Hoofington! And yet that only seemed to drive up business for the farm.

Was Mac not allowed to have his own happiness, even if it was found, admittedly, in one of the strangest places he could ever imagine?

Spike made him happy, and he made Spike happy. Wasn’t that enough?

“Hi, I have a reservation for two… under ‘Spike’.”

Big Mac looked up— he hadn’t realised they had made it all the way to the Gilded Carat while he had been ruminating.

The maître d’ took a single look at them, before turning his nose up at them. “I am sorry, sir, but we don’t serve your kind here.”

Big Mac stood flabbergasted. Spike was, understandably, holding his rage in check. Big Mac could feel the dragon’s muscles twitching beneath the surface.

“Let’s not bother, Spike,” Big Mac said quickly. “If he don’t want our kind, then Ah sure don’t wanna eat at his restaurant!”

Big Mac chuckled as Spike blew out a stream of hot air from his nostrils that blew the maître d’s mustache off. Like everything about the pretentious Prench restaurant, it was a fake.

The more time they spent in town, the more Big Mac felt the eyes of everypony upon him.

Judging.

Hating.

He didn’t enjoy coming to town often, outside coming to visit Spike, the occasional trip to the bar with Caramel, and whenever it was his turn to attend the market stand.

Spike was, valiantly, trying to keep the mood of the date alive. They had long stopped holding hooves… claws… claw and hoof… whatever— and Spike had bought them both ice cream. Being ever the gentledrake, Spike had been holding the cone for Big Mac (something Mac would have had a few problems with himself!) and had been making certain flirtatious motions with his own ice cream.

Normally, this would have had Mac very hot under the collar, but the damper the rest of the town had put on his mood had all but quashed any hopes Spike had of seducing the somber stallion.

“Okay, what’s up?” Spike asked, breaking the silence.

Big Mac shrugged, not daring to speak.

Spike licked his claws clean, then placed an arm over Big Mac’s shoulder. “Please don’t shrug it off… talk to me.”

Big Mac looked up to the warm, caring eyes of his drakefriend. Despite their reptilian nature, they always held a softness when Spike had looked at him, one that would assure the stallion that all would be okay.

Would everything be okay?

“Ah… Ah guess Ah’m just a little upset… ya saw how ponyfolk were lookin’ at us today?”

Spike nodded.

“Ah dunno. Ah thought they were our friends… Ah thought they’d be happy fer us.”

Spike pulled the stallion into a deep hug, laying his chin across the poll of Mac’s head. Being such a large stallion, the simple act of being spooned was rare… but Spike leaning over his back and enveloping the stallion in his muscular arms helped make Big Mac feel safe and comforted.

Big Mac closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of his partner.

Maybe things could be alright.

“Do you want to go back to the farm?” Spike asked.

Big Mac nodded. “Ah guess Ah would. Ah would really love t’ be around family right now.”

“Then come on. I’ll take you home, and we can try again—”

Big Mac pulled the dragon’s snout down towards his lips, and pressed against them. He darted his tongue out of his mouth, gently asking the dragon’s permission to open. Spike obliged, and Big Mac slipped his tongue into the dragon’s mouth, carefully avoiding his razor-sharp teeth.

Pulling away for a breath, Big Mac whispered, “Ah was hopin’ ya might stay tonight.”

He kissed the dragon gently on the cheek. “Yer part of mah family, Spike. An’ nothin’ nopony says’ll change that.”

Big Mac sat next to Spike at the Apple family table. Applejack and Granny Smith sat across from them, whilst Apple Bloom sat to Mac’s right.

Big Mac faltered under the gaze that both Granny Smith and Applejack were levelling at him.

He had hoped by bringing Spike home… that they could have a nice meal with the family. While Big Mac had never openly told his sisters or his grandmother that he and Spike had been dating… he had always assumed they’d known.

They’d always been mighty friendly to Spike— AJ even counted him as one of her friends. Granny Smith and Apple Bloom had never said anything when Big Mac and Spike had gone on their ‘camping trips’ out to White Tail, and he was certain they must have overheard the two of them at some time in Mac’s bedroom—

Granny Smith shook her head. “Ah can’t believe it. Ah thought Ah raised ya better than this!”

Big Mac sunk low in his chair.

“Ah know th’ farm has its troubles, Mac, but this…” Applejack growled. “This is beyond low!”

Apple Bloom stared blankly at Spike and Big Mac, as if trying to work out what was going on.

Big Mac’s ears perked up as he turned towards his sister. “Uhhh, what’s th’ farm got anything to do with me an’ Spike?”

Applejack scowled even harder. “Yer a right low-down varmit! Ah could understand if it was t’ save th’ farm, but fer yerself?”

“What are ya’ll even talkin’ about?” Big Mac yelled, slamming his hoof on the table. “Ah thought Ah’d get some support from mah family, but Ah come home an’ Ah get th’ same hateful treatment Ah been gettin’ in town all day! Ah love Spike, an’ if y’all can’t accept that—”

“Spike, don’t ya believe a word that comes outta this one’s mouth!” Applejack rounded on her brother. “Oh, Ah heard all about what yer lookin’ fer in this fine dragon! Rares heard ya in th’ pub, an’ couldn’t wait t’ tell everypony how yer just after Spike’s hoard!”

Spike started coughing and spluttering, whilst Big Mac felt his ears begin to burn.

“An’ Ah don’t care if Rarity wants t’ get her hooves all over it an’ see if he’s got somethin’ she might want… but an Apple should be better than that! Ah’m ashamed of ya, Mac!”

Apple Bloom burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny, Bloom?” Applejack hissed.

“Ya know how thin th’ walls are between Mac’s room an’ mine, sis?” Apple Bloom asked, wiping a tear from her eye.

Big Mac sunk his head in his hooves, praying to Celestia that the ground might swallow him up whole, right then and there. He silently begged that his sister wouldn’t finish—

“Yeah, ‘hoard’ is their code word for Spike’s d—”

Author's Note:

I MAKE NO APOLOGIES!

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PhycoKrusk

PhycoKrusk #1 · Feb 9th, 2015 · 3 · ·

What do you call something that's kind of like fridge horror, only instead of realizing something horrifying after the fact, you realize something comedic, or at least obvious?

Like a certain someone in the story who smiled and then scrunched her nose.

You know who you are.

MoonMirror

MoonMirror #2 · Feb 9th, 2015 · 5 · 2 ·

Man, I should have seen that coming, I got the hoard/you know what reference right at the start, but didn't expect the ponies not to get it and instead take it literally. Thanks for the chuckle, but now I want a longer romance/slice of life fic between the two.

Lionblaze103

Lionblaze103 #3 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · ·

I just want to say two things. One, Apple bloom was hilarious. And two, I've always thought of Diamond Tiara as the kinda person, who when she grew up and matured, would really mellow out.

DraconequusMaximus