• Published 13th Mar 2015
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Sunny, Moonie, Twily - Jetto



Twilight Sparkle, Sunset Shimmer and Moondancer are best friends, living in a dorm together.

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29. Moonbutts Unite, part 5: Some Ponies Like To Get Away (by Eyeswirl the Weirded)

A little while after abandoning the mess in the kitchen, Sunset found herself standing outside the bathroom and being serenaded with the sounds of Twilight losing her lunch.

"HUUURRK!!"

She rolled her eyes. "C'mon, you lightweight, you only had one bite."

"H-ho-hack!! ...How can you tolerate that kind of poison in your body?!"

"Well, for starters, I didn't make the rookie mistake of eating four cinnamon rolls in an attempt to wash out the taste."

There was a short series of retching noises before the next reply. "...You said you couldn't back home, right? Wash out the taste, I mean? B-because everything-"

"Was pretty much more of the same, yes." After a moment's silence, Sunset glared at the door. "Don't give me that pitying look!!"

"Wha-how-wha-"

"Urgh, just, wrap up in there and let's head back, I think we've taken more than enough of a break now."

Once again, the two spent the better part of the evening hard at work, but this time they set an alarm clock to enforce a cut-off point. About three hours later, they remembered that it had meant that they were supposed to stop.

When morning came, neither really felt like cards or board games, so both meandered out of their room, neither having even brushed their manes yet.

Sunset blinked somewhat groggily. "Coffee?"

With a little yawn, Twilight nodded. "Yes. To coffee."

And off they went. Unbeknownst to both, a lone stallion had seen them exit their room together that morning. He stood at a distance, his hooves all but rooted in place as he witnessed the two mares, their hair messy and fatigue clear in their expressions and body language. He didn't quite know what to make of what he saw, but he was dumbly following a ways behind them as they went for...

HOT COFFEE

Red Hope had thought he'd finally worked up the courage to ask Twilight out, but his heart, stomach, spleen, and a few other major organs froze solid when he saw her with... the other her. He didn't have to be a student in CSFGU to know who Sunset Shimmer was, nor that she was not someone you wanted to mess with.

I don't think I've ever understood that phrase. Is there anypony in the world you DO want to mess with? Like, someone that, once you've ticked them off, they'll smile and say "Oh, thank you, kind aggravator, allow me to shower you with cake and money!"?

He shook his head and took a sip of the cup of coffee he'd ordered while sitting at a table at Gustav's Outdoor Delights, reasonably distant from that of Twilight and Sunset. He watched them eating a light breakfast, Twilight taking hold of her cup in both hooves as she lifted it to her muzzle, which left just a little puff of foam on the tip of her nose when she set it down again. Sunset seemed to notice this, saying something Red couldn't hear from where he was as she dabbed the foam off. The action looked so caring, so tender, that he could only imagine what they were saying to each other at that very moment.

---

"You've got something right here."

"Huh? Oh. Thanks, Sunset."

"Mhm. You gonna finish that scone?"

"Eh, you take it."

---

Red Hope watched Sunset lift something from Twilight's plate, and eat it herself! They even shared their meals!

---

Twilight smiled a little. "How is it?"

Sunset shrugged. "It's... a scone? Buttery and stuff." Twilight looked just a little too happy. "What? Did you spit on it or something?"

"Wha-no!! I was just thinking that you probably needed something tasty after-" Twilight got a strawberry muffin telekinetically jammed into her mouth.

Sunset was only frowning a little as the light of her horn flickered out. "I told you to quit pitying me, dammit."

---

Gasp!

They were feeding each other! Sunset just popped a muffin into Twilight's mouth like a flirty dinner date!

---

Gulping down the last of the muffin, Twilight scowled a bit. "Geez, sorry if I care that you suffered through a long, miserable foalhood of stomachaches and deadened taste-buds!"

Propping her head up with a foreleg on the table, Sunset rolled her eyes. "It's not like every meal was as bad as that cake."

Twilight brightened a little. "Oh?"

"Yup."

As the realization that Sunset wasn't telling anything further sunk in, Twilight's ears slowly lowered on her head. She made a sad face. "That's all?"

Sunset's eyes narrowed. "That's all."

---

Red Hope could only watch in astonishment. They even have lover's quarrels!

---

Her scientific curiosity unsated, Twilight got an idea that made her smile. Widely.

Sunset got a bad feeling. "No." Twilight just kept staring at her with that wide, expectant grin. "Oh, come on," she muttered, "it's too early for this."

Twilight kept smiling. "...Please?"

With a pained grimace, Sunset gave in. "Urgh... Fine, as a rich girl back home, I could afford something edible on its own once in a while, and when I couldn't, I experimented. Most of what grows in Southern Equestria isn't the most appealing stuff to begin with, so the cooks make due with whatever they've got. I managed to work around the inherent nastiness of what they called bread over there to make stuff that was just decent.

Twilight made the mental note not to abuse Moondancer's method too often. There was a limit before cajoling information out of someone stopped being curiosity or concern for a friend and started being prying. "I've read up a little on the economics of the region, do they really prohibit importing food from other parts of Equestria?"

"Pretty much." It got to the point that about a fifth of those arrested in Southern Equestria were sentenced for inclusion with the Underground Food Market, but Twilight didn't ask about that. Luckily, such ponies were never held for longer than a few months.

Twilight blinked slowly, then started to smile. "So... I'm friends with one of the greatest cooks in Southern Equestria?"

Despite clenching her jaw, Sunset couldn't keep the corners of her mouth from rising half an inch. "Don't make it sound like I had much real competition, it's not much of an accomplishment if hardly anypony else even put up a fight." Though now that she thought about it, starting a food fight back home was considered a full-scale declaration of war in the right circumstances.

It was hard to keep just a little amusement out of Twilight's voice, along with the hint of a teasing smile on her face. "Do you think you could make something for Moondancer and me some time?"

Crossing her forelegs, Sunset scowled. "No, I-" She stopped, mouth hanging open as she trailed off for a few seconds. And then she grinned, widely and wickedly. "Actually, yes, I'd be happy to prepare you both some authentic Southern Equestria cuisine."

Twilight blanched, already getting flashbacks. "Ah, uh, th-that's, um, that's okay, I wasn't really-"

"I could prepare you a full-course meal so that the juices stick in your guts for days, lingering on your teeth, and the sheer smell of it-"

Twilight conjured up a white flag to wave in the air. "Okay, okay, uncle, enough, I'm sorry I pried, can we please forget this whole conversation?!"

Taking another sip of coffee, Sunset smirked. "Deal." She couldn't help giggling a little, which Twilight joined in despite herself.

---

They even tease each other and laugh it off like it's nothing.

Red Hope sighed, finished his coffee, stood up, and walked away, forgoing his plan to ask Twilight out entirely. Remembering his friends(?) in S.A.S.S., he figured he should at least break the news to them. Who knew, maybe some of them would relieved to hear it?

---

"ALL IS PAIN AND DESPAIR!!"

All around him, Red Hope watched as grown stallions openly wept like fillies, those that weren't were instead facehoofing, banging their heads against a wall, swearing under their breaths, or curling into balls and gibbering to themselves. All with the exception of Daemon Bash, who pronked in place with an ear-to-ear grin, giggling like... well, like a filly. But a happy one.

Red Hope, for lack of a better idea, hesitantly decided to engage Bash in conversation. "Why are you so happy about this?"

"Heeheeheeheehee! Bodies," he replied, "gonna be so many bodies to experiment on soon!"

"Ah, of course..."

Amid the wailing and heartbreak, one member of S.A.S.S. collected himself. Taking a deep breath, High Roller spoke up. "Maybe, this is a good thing." In short order, he had the attention of everyone gathered, most of them quieting down to hear his elaboration. "I mean, with this, we finally know the reason all of our efforts were in vain; it wasn't just that we weren't good enough, it's that we never had a chance with her to begin with. For different reasons than we've been thinking."

There were a few chuckles from those listening, even if at their own expense.

"Maybe he's right," offered Con, "all this time we've bemoaned our awful luck with that purple cutie with the nice flank, and for what? Pain, despair, loneliness, the occasional cold shower, and..." Looking around, he started to smile. "Actually, maybe we've gotten a little more out of all this. We've all tried to get her attention, except Red over there, but let's be honest, that was never going to work out anyway,"

"HEY!!" That there were several sage nods only irritated Red Hope further.

"but in trying," Con went on, "all of us share a bond, a common experience in being shot down one way or another by the most oblivious filly in Canterlot, and I think, together, we're all closer for it." He smiled widely, serenely, as though a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders, many of those around him hesitantly doing the same. "Yes, I dare say that the lot of us don't need Twilight Sparkle, because the friendship we share now is more meaningful than a one-night stand or a few dates, or even a lasting relationship with her! With this, the legend of the Sweet Lavender Flank of Despair can finally come to a clo-"

The door opened and Red Velvet, S.A.S.S.'s only female member, cheerfully trotted in. "Hey, guys! Sorry I'm late, did I miss anything?" She was quickly filled in, but when the explanation concluded, she giggled as though they'd told her a really silly joke. "Nah."

Red Hope tilted his head. "...'Nah'?"

Velvet nodded. "Yea, I'm guessing whatever you saw wasn't what it looked like, because Twilight's not gay, and neither is Sunset Shimmer. I've checked. That's the reason I'm in this group, y'know?" The many looks of disbelief said it was story time. "Well, basically..."

GIRLS KISS NO TWILIGHT

There was a road between Celestia's School For Gifted Unicorns and Donut Joe's that was lined with a particular kind of tree. For most of the year, they were nothing special, but for a few weeks in the spring, their leaves turned pink and dropped off. Yes, they were cherry blossoms! The slow fall of those leaves provided an amazing romantic effect, so much so that Red Velvet, dressed in a white shirt with a red necktie and blue, pleated skirt, was sure this would be the day! She was even dressed to look like a student from CSFGU! At least according to the clerk at that costume shop she went to.

Twilight Sparkle approached, indicating she'd gotten the letter. Velvet wasted no time, stepping forward. "Twilight Sparkle, I love you, please go out with me!"

Blinking twice, she was afraid to ask what the schoolgirl outfit (Moondancer had a similar one) was about. "Umm, I'm sorry, I can't..."

Velvet's heart sank. "Oh no, please don't tell me..."

Twilight smiled apologetically. "I'm afraid I'm..."

"You're already dating Sunset Shimmer?"

"WHAT?!"

Sighing, Velvet shook her head. "I saw how two you acted together, but I thought, I hoped, that you were just very good friends. I guess I was kidding myself."

Twilight turned pinker than the cherry blossoms. "N-no, we're not dating! I'm just not into mares, I swear! And neither is she!"

"Oh." There was a pause as the situation sunk in. "Well, this is awkward."

"...Yes. Yes, it is."

Cherry leaves fell in silence.

Velvet glanced away. "I'd better go now."

Twilight was all too happy to flee the scene. "Yeah, me too, bye!"

---

Her tale complete, Red Velvet looked around the room full of slack-jawed, twitchy-eyed stallions and shrugged. She looked at Daemon Bash. "You got any soda?"

"Snack table, usual spot. Also, can I have your sou-"

She cut him off. "Groovy, thanks!"

As she enjoyed a fizzy drink, the room burst into swears, tears, and head-banging, for rather different reasons than before. Looking around, Bash shrugged and got back to pronking in place as he sing-songed. "Bodies, bodies, gonna be some bodies~!"

---

Breakfast was odd for the moon-flanked trio, primarily when Trixie was startled by the sudden appearance of a couple of stallions in suits.

"Hello," was as far as one of them got before Trixie dove behind Princess Luna Moon Sky for cover. "Oh," he said, "and there she is."

Moondancer paced over, concerned. "Uh, hey, what's goin' on here?"

One of the strangers turned to her. "We were sent to find a mare thought to reside here in the hopes that she could fill in for somepony in tonight's performance."

Moon Sky, whom Trixie was still worriedly standing behind like a filly hiding behind her mother in the face of scary strangers, raised an eyebrow. "Performance?"

Suit Pony #1 nodded. "One of the stars, Broken Leg, has cancelled at the last minute, something about a lucky break in another city. As such, Show Time, the director of Manehattan's Broadhay division-"


Heart did a backflip. "BROADH-"

"Not now," snapped Brain.


"-sent us here to look for a blue mare he met the other night, one he felt would be a perfect fit for the vacant role in The Tragedy of Nightmare Moon. Does any of this sound familiar?"

Moon Sky stood rooted in place, wide-eyed and very quiet. She almost jumped out of her skin when Moondancer spoke up.

"Wow. Isn't that the show Fan's putting on later? You'd have the frontiest front-row seats, Moonbutt!"

"Trixie concurs," she said from Moon Sky's other side, now that it was clear these colts weren't the first bounty hunters to sneak up on her in a while. In hindsight, maybe she owed Beaten Bush a tiny 'thank you.' "It's a rare opportunity that anypony should be cast for a role they've not auditioned for. What do you think?"

It was twenty-three minutes, two cups of decaf, and a plate of donuts (the Broadhay ponies were happy to grab a bite) before Moon Sky could articulate properly, her face very passive. "I... Yes."

Suit Pony #2 smiled. "You'll do it?" There was a slow nod. "That's great! We should set off right away, much to go over before the show tonight." And away they went, Moon Sky in tow.

Trixie smiled. "And thus does Trixie know another Broadhay star."

Moondancer giggled. "Keeping count?"

"Not exactly, but having famous friends will only help Trixie if she is to impress her prince."

"Yea, I gue-waihuh?!"

With a haughty chuckle, Trixie bobbed her mane twice. "Surprised? Yes, the apple of Trixie's eye is none other than Ponyville's Most Handsome Marathon Runner, The Pony with the Shiniest Teeth in the Manliest Jaw, Heir of Studliness, Hair of Cuddliness, Every Filly's Dream, Master of Telepor-"

"Prince Blueblood?"

Darn it all! "Yes, him." She noticed that Moondancer looked exceptionally nervous about something. She was even starting to sweat! Her Great and Powerful mind quickly worked out the reason. "Worry not, Fair Moondancer, Trixie knows some ponies cannot help themselves when imagining Trixie's Beloved in all his-"

"We've met."

"Huh?"

Moondancer smiled sheepishly. "Blueblood and me? I've, eh... run into him at a few parties." Trixie stared back her, eyes wide, but otherwise expressionless. "We've, uh, I-I mean, I haven't seen him in a long while now, but, yea. You okay, Trixie?"

There was a long silence. "When you say... run into...?"

Moondancer gulped. "Eh... Yep."

"I see." There was another silence. Moondancer felt a deathly chill as time seemed to slow down, the ambient noise of the room and the city as a whole grew quieter, roaring monsters in Tartarus may have unanimously gone silent, and the very planet lost speed in its spin. And then Trixie smiled, her face and tone nothing but confident. "That's fine!"

"Uh... R-really?"

"Yes," Trixie said with an affable giggle, "Trixie fully understands that Her Darling is a stallion with needs, and it bothers her not if he should choose to fill them with other mares until the day she is ready to make him hers. Just another demonstration of his irresistible masculinity!" Then she raised an eyebrow, looking curious. "That said, Trixie is a little surprised you've been acquainted."

"I first saw him at one of those champagne-and-tiny-cheese-sticks get-togethers. Don't remember what the party was about, but he looked all bored and lonely, I didn't need to be anywhere in the next hour, so, uh..." This was perhaps the first time Trixie had seen Moondancer even remotely uncomfortable when admitting to deeds of seedy nature, but she turned red just the same. "Well, let's just say I'd heard of Blueblood before and indulged a bit of scientific curiosity."

Ooh, brain-wham! Twilight might not like to admit it, but she can't stand not knowing things. If I worded it right, would she do some research too?

Trixie looked a little surprised, holding a hoof to her chin in thought. "You were drawn to him too, huh?"

Moondancer shrugged. "I'm a colt-obsessed filly that grew up in Canterlot, why wouldn't I have fantasies about him?"

"...Trixie accepts that logic. However, she has questions!"

"Eh, sure."

Trixie got a little closer than Moondancer was comfortable with, delivering her questions in rapid-fire fashion. "When did you first meet him? What time of day was it? Was he with anypony else at the time? Who were they and how many? How many times have you 'met,' and in what circumstances? Was there ever a relationship or were these strictly multiple one-time flings? What did he smell like when last you-"

"Woah, woah!" cried Moondancer, holding up a hoof in weak defense, "please, calm down!"

Trixie took a breath. "My apologies, Fair Moondancer, but information is a valuable commodity when it comes to Trixie's Beloved."

"Yea, I got that." She scratched the back of her head. "Still, yeesh! I wasn't expecting the Horspanish Inquisition."

There was a flare of dramatic music. "NOPONY EXPECTS THE HORSPANISH INQUISITION!"

Trixie and Moondancer turned in unison to see a trio of stallions in red robes. One bore a wide-brimmed hat, one an aviator's cap, and the last just wearing a plain, red cloth that might have been a stand-in for a hood.

Trixie facehoofed. "Oh for the love of Celestia's plot."

Moondancer quirked an eyebrow. "You know these guys?"

"Trixie doesn't want to talk about this."

"We have caught you with our greatest weapon,” announced the leader, “and that weapon is surprise! Surprise and devotion to our cause, which is two things, we have caught you with our two greatest weapons; surprise and devotion to our cause, and-"

Aviator Cap spoke up. "Oh, they've buggered off!"

Taking quick stock of the area, the lead inquisitor couldn't help agreeing. "Quick, after them!"


Outside the motel, Moondancer's tone betrayed a hint of nervousness. "I know you said you didn't want to talk about this, but I thought the bounty hunters didn't come after you here?"

"Most of them are smart enough not to," Trixie grumbled. She quickly looked around, smirking when she spotted a police officer. "This bunch will just have to figure out why..."



When her pursuers caught up, Trixie pointed at them, making teary, pitiful expression. "There they are, officer, those are the colts that want to 'initiate Trixie into their faith'!"

"Bah," protested Wide-Brim, "rrrrubbish she speaks! There is no place for the likes of her in the Horspanish Inquisition!"

The cop took one long look at the stallions in red robes (and an aviator hat), opened his mouth, closed it again, turned away, said "Nope." with finality, and walked off.

Quickly looking back and forth between him and the bounty hunters, Trixie sputtered. "Um, h-hello?! Aren't you going to arrest them or something?!"

He kept walking. "Nope."

Trixie trotted after, feeling just a smidge indignant. "And why not?!"

He stopped. "Ma'am, I'd love to help, but after the Tartarus that the Paladins of the Sun dragged through this city borne of an unprecedented political situation that arose as a result of one of their members getting arrested after making a scene, I and everypony in this city am content to ignore religious loons like those guys. You're a resourceful pony, Miss Lulamoon, so I'm sure you'll be okay. As for me? NOPE!!" And then he bolted, gone in seconds.

Standing still for a moment, Trixie turned back toward Moondancer and the waiting bounty hunters. "Moondancer? A word?"

Quickly glancing at the ponies in red, Moondancer caught them giving her an impatient look, as if to say 'Well? She's waiting on you.' It seemed polite of them, at least. She trotted over to Trixie. "Yea?" Trixie motioned for her to come a little closer. Closer. Closer still. Trixie leaned over to whisper into her ear.

"Run!"

And then they bolted, the inquisitors right on their tails. As per the usual tactic when all else failed, Trixie opted to run like a timberwolf on fire, darting through an alley with Moondancer right beside her.

"No offense is meant regarding your athletic ability, Fair Moondancer, but Trixie is faintly surprised you can keep up with her so easily!"

Moondancer smirked. "I do cardio! You think I keep a body like this sitting around reading books all day?"

"Makes sense. Wait, isn't that what Sunset Shimmer and the other one do? How is it they they maintain healthy figures?"

"Well," began Moondancer as they rounded a corner, "it's funny you should ask. You see, they-"

The two stopped dead, finding themselves in the middle of a four-way intersection of alleyways and surrounded by a small army of bounty hunters. To their left was a band of goons in purple and grey armor not interesting enough to dwell on, to their right were many ordinary-looking ponies in a wide variety of silly hats, and in front of them-

"YOU ARE SURROUNDED, TRIXIE LULAMOON!"

-were the ponies in suits.

Trixie smiled. "Thank you for always announcing your presence, it is most helpful!"

"YOU ARE QUITE WELCOME!" Beaten Bush was swiftly dope-slapped by his fellow bounty hunters.

Turning around, Trixie and and Moondancer found themselves boxed in when the inquisitors caught up. Making careful note of this, Moondancer raised an eyebrow while looking at the stallion in the wide-brimmed hat. "What, did you round up everypony that's ever come after her for some kind of hunter legion of doom?"

Wide-Brim shrugged lightly. "Everypony within the postcode, yes. With all of them sworn in as honorary members of the covenant, the authorities shall not dissuade us all in our holiest of missions!"

As Trixie looked increasingly nervous while mentally running down her list of options in this situation, Moondancer did what she was best at for times like these; stall for time. "Holiest of missions?"

"Yes, to apprehend the hated witch for her cardinal sin among our order!"

He stepped forward to make good on that claim, but stopped the second Moondancer opened her mouth again. "Cardinal sin?"

"Yes! For trilling her r's without them being the first letter in the spoken word! Do not ask why," he added quickly, "for why is a closely-guarded secret, and our order is an order of one thing; an order of secrets!"

"And words," added Aviator Cap.

"Yes, right, thank you, ours is an order of two things; an order of secrets and words and diligence, and that's three things, our order, is an order of-"

"Oh, for goodness sake," cried one of the suit ponies, "will you get on with it?!"

"Hush thy tongue, initiate!" Wide-Brim straightened his hat, perhaps meaningfully. "So long as you wish to remain unmolested by the local police, you will adhere to the rules of the Inquisitors!"

Trixie narrowed her eyes. "And what do 'the Inquisitors' want with Trixie this time?"

The three of them spoke in unison. "We're glad you asked!" Arranging themselves into a circle, the four teams of bounty hunters, at the request/demand of at least one faction, and began to sing. Trixie appeared only slightly surprised.

[youtube=CcW2iOsaGZ8]

We're sent by the Lulamoons!

We'll have you home really soon!

You've been away, you've gone astray,

so we'll send you to your room!

We'll take you back to Canterlot,

because your parents, they rant'r lot!

Some of them were now standing on their hind legs, locking forehooves around the shoulders of those next to them to perform a group can-can.

We're sent by the Lulamoons!

We don't, have time, for cartoons!

We sing this song, so come along,

or we'll feed you to baboons!

We're taking you to Canterlot,

because we're getting paid'r-lot!

Only about thirty seconds into their routine, Aviator Cap stopped and called out to the rest. "Oh, they've buggered off again!"

One of the suits complained again. "I told you they'd just run if we did the musical number!"

"Quiet," retorted Wide-Brim, "or we'll give you... the rrrrrack!"

The third inquisitor spoke up. "We didn't bring it, sir."

"Oh, bollocks to it, then, let us chase them!"

"Yes," declared an earth pony wearing a miner's helmet, complete with a little light, "without the local authorities in our way, we will be free to apprehend her and claim that sizeable reward at last!"

A pegasus wearing a traffic cone on her head gave him an unsure look. "Who's that guy? I don't remember him in the group before."

"New recruit," answered a unicorn stallion wearing a top hat, "picked him up yesterday, name's Red Capsule, but we've been calling him Re-Cap."

"Oh," said the yet-unnamed pegasus, "thanks for the explanation, Easy Answer!"

"Any time, Miss-"

"ENOUGH OF YOUR POINTLESS EXPOSITION," cried a suit pony who could probably due with some identification himself, "let's chase them already!"

And so they did.

Author's Note:

And now I hope to add another timeless-until-it's-answered Stallionverse question; "How do Sunset and Twilight keep fit?" Maybe Doctor knows.

Moondancer is a master of the Metal Gear method of dragging things out. Not that it takes much practice.

Jetto says: I still can't believe I allowed Monthy Python into this story.

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