Safety In Numbness
Frozen North – Outside Crystal Imperial Borders – Entrance to the Mirror Caverns
An aurora had freshly formed over the darkening sky. Its tapering bands reflected green and orange light off the thick layers of snow clinging to the mountainside and the surrounding tundra to the south. A dense camp had been built right outside the dark craggy entrance to the Landmark. Hundreds of crystal ponies in blue-plated armor marched to and fro while others reinforced a defensive perimeter—with spears and crossbows and other weapons trained collectively at the mouth of the cave. Off to the side, wagons rolled in, carrying supplies that were swiftly unloaded by countless members of the Imperial Defense Force working in tandem.
An earth pony in a thick jacket stood with a microphone. He squinted past errant streams of snow, struggling to face a bulky field camera being aimed at him by a mobile news crew.
"If you look behind me, you'll see that a wagon full of fresh supplies has just now arrived!" The stallion raised his voice to speak above the blistering cold winds and the marching of hooves. Soldiers shouted to one another as they repositioned themselves for an inevitable exchange. "Satin, these supplies are in fact the so-called 'gifts' gathered by the stewards of the Crystal Kingdom in order to meet the increasingly eccentric demands of the twelve militants who are holding the innocent civilians hostage inside. Reports are mixed at the moment, but several sources have suggested that the yaks in the Mirror Caverns—not satisfied with being refused a guarantee for land reappropriation—are demanding excessive quantities of food, mead, and other so-called 'luxuries' or else they have threatened to—and I quote: 'Kill all of the puny pony children and urge all yak brothers in Yakyakistan to declare war on dumb horses everywhere.'"
Barking orders to one another, crystal and non-crystal ponies unloaded the materials off the wagon and affixed them to a large dolley on wheels. They pushed the items into a large tent under close supervision of armored guards.
"Now... if you look off in the distance..." The reporter turned and pointed. "...towards the mouth of the cave—you see the pale figure in the silver armor? We believe that to be none other than Prince Shining Armor himself, current Second Steward of the Crystal Empire who also serves as Captain of the Crystal Imperial Defense Force. And that figure that he is speaking to—we believe—is none other than the self-proclaimed leader of the Yakyakistani militants: Damn Thickerhoof. For the past eight days straight, Shining Armor has been working double-time, negotiating with the militants while establishing a defense perimeter around the Mirror Caverns. When approached multiple times about the ultimate fate of the hostages, Prince Shining Armor has insisted that the Stewards are doing everything in their power to assure that this situation is resolved as peacefully and harmoniously as possible—"
Commanding shouts broke the snowy air. Crystal soldiers stood at attention, forming a line while a shiny carriage rolled up.
The reported pivoted, gesturing for the news crew to aim their field camera at the device.
"Hold on, Satin!" He spoke into the mic. "A new development here, it would seem. The royal carriage of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza has just arrived! The Chief Reigning Steward of the Crystal Empire has been in constant communication with the ambassador situated at the Imperial Yakyakistani Embassy. It has been the hope of Princess Cadance that a reasonable agreement can be made between the two frozen kingdoms to intervene on behalf of the hostages, but so far there has been no public declaration of any sort from the ruling bodies within the capital of Yakyakistan. Could this mean that negotiations will continue to be at an impasse for another straight week? Stay tuned for any and all developments as we continue to document this situation live from the Frozen North..."
Princess Cadance stepped out of the carriage, bleary-eyed and sighing. The alicorn winced—for the big hairy creature exiting the same carriage behind her continued to grunt and belch with bombastic fervor:
"The yak senate in Yakyakistan makes no promises. The yak senate in Yakyakistan is full of yak senators who believe that non-yak ponies are weak! If non-yak ponies cannot help themselves when dealing with yak situations, then yak senate does not see why they should speak to hunting yaks inside cave!"
"I know where your government stands, ambassador," Cadance slurred, marching across the snow while several crystal guards rushed up to escort her. She paused to rub her aching head. "You've told this to me several times, and I have paid close heed on every occasion. But forgive me for me if I feel as though you haven't quite delivered the details of our position back to your Yakyakistani comrades with equal emphasis."
"Do you call a yak ambassador a liar?!" the dignitary in bundled furs hissed. "Embassy yaks have told government yaks all about the weak ponies and their weak attempt to make progress!""
"There is nothing weak about wanting to do things peacefully, ambassador," Cadance said, turning to frown at him in the snowy air. "What you call 'weakness,' I call restraint. We understand that the migratory hunters who took to capturing the ponies inside this landmark have very important desires that they wish to be met. We, on the other hoof, simply want our citizens back. This entire situation is a coming-together of like-minded souls who want everything to end without unnecessary casualties. The fewer the casualties... the longer both our societies can continue to coexist healthily... fruitfully. Don't you agree?"
"Pink pony speaks with too many words!" the ambassador snorted. "Yaks want action! Yaks want results!" He pointed at the cave ahead of them. "Give yaks what they want and yaks will respond!"
"And ambassador... we have given them what they want!" Cadance exclaimed. "We've given them more than enough to meet their demands! And yet—at every turn—they just demand more and more things!" Her ears and wings drooped. "If they won't show their gratitude to us, then perhaps they'll show their respect to the Yakyakistani senate. Please... I'm asking you... begging you... won't you find a way to bridge direct communication between your government and these militants? Find a way to get them to give up our loved ones?"
"Hrmmmm..." The yak leaned back, stroking his layers and layers of blinding beards. "Pink princess pony's words are like little child's. So fragile... easy to crush under one's hoof. Nevertheless!" He spat into the frozen air. "Puny ponies have gone out of their way to make yaks happy... even at the cost of their own comfort! That, yaks suppose, is a strong act in and of itself." A deep breath. "I will speak to the yak senate again. Try to convince them to tell hunting yaks to leave pony cave."
Princess Cadance sighed with relief. "Thank you... thank you, ambassador—"
"Yak makes no guarantee that yak senate will comply!" he roared. "Terribly angry bunch, yak governors! If you test their patience, yak will go to war! If you insult their intelligence, yak will go to war! If you show them the color pink... ... ...yak will go to war!"
"Well..." Cadance shuddered. "It's a good thing that you're speaking to them in my stead. Now, if you will kindly excuse me..." She curtsied, then turned towards the cave, trotting off. "...I have to check on my husband."
"I have sliced open the bellies of blue hydras wading in the frozen yak seas!" Damn Thickerhoof shouted. The ringlets of his beard rattled as his beady eyes flickered red. "I have chewed the entrails straight out of yeti bellies!" Schiiiing! Brandishing an axe, he leaned out of the mouth of the cave. "I have survived thirteen battles against sarosian pirates in the bleakest months of winter! Fighting on their turf! In blood-stained tepid darkness!" Inhaling with a guttural snort, he gripped the hilt of his axe to the point of breaking. "I will not... and I repeat will not be treated with such horrible disrespect by you puny, sanctimonious lumps of horse meat!"
Captain Shining Armor teetered. He fought to keep his eyes opened. A thick scratchy five o'clock shadow loomed beneath his helmeted face. "Mrmmmmmmff..." His nostrils flared as he summoned the strenght to speak in a respectful tone. "...and how can I win back your respect, Mr. Thickerhoof—"
"The name is Damn Thickerhoof the Turgid, you insufferably weak glue stick!" the yak shouted, his voice echoing against the mouth of the Mirror Caverns. "Say it right or I will remove your prissy pony vocal cords!"
Shining cleared his throat, helmet rattling. "What is it that I can do for you this time, Damn Thickerhoof the Turgid?"
"The milk chocolate candy morsels!" Damn Thickerhoof growled, pointing nebulously at thin-air. "They must all be the matching color!"
"Mrmmmm-hmmm... and what color is that?"
"GREEN!" Damn Thickerhoof pounded his chest. "The color of vengeance!" Several yak voices grunted agreeably from deep inside the cavern behind him.
Shining Armor sighed. "I will make sure that the candies are all of a matching green color," he said. His eyebrow raised. "Would you like me to make the mead green to?"
"Yak mead is fine the color that it is! Everything comes yellow out of yak anyways. Unlike puny ponies who store all the yellow inside! We can see it through their bellies!"
Chuckles echoed from within the cavern.
"Mrmmmff... very well." Shining Armor stood straight. "The supplies have arrived and are on their way." He exhaled. "Now... about releasing the hostages—"
"Puny pony children will stay in yak custody until yaks get what yaks want!" Damn Thickerhoof hollered. "Damn Thickerhoof the Turgid will get the land that's owed to him!" His nostrils flared. "All yaks will get the land that's owed to them!"
"And as we've stated before, Damn Thickerhoof the Turgid..." Princess Cadance trotted up, stealing the attention of both her husband and the militant leader. "...the matter of our territories is up to negotiations between the Crystal Empire and the Yakyakistani government."
"HRMMMF!" The yak waved his axe. "I am yak with axe! I am yak government in wilderness!" His eyes shot daggers at Shining Armor. "And this is wilderness, no matter how many prissy ponies stain it with their pink and their singing!"
"I have spoken once again with the ambassador of Yakyakistan," Cadance said. "Soon, he will bring word back from the senate, and they will open direct communication with you."
"And Damn Thickerhoof will get his land, right?!"
"The governors of Yakyakistan will help to facilitate a solution that is in your best interest—and in the best interest of your friends." Cadance took a deep breath. "We have taken many... many measures to assist you. Now... will you please help us by releasing some of our loved ones from your possession?"
"Hrmmf! Typical ponies! All talk and no yak sacks!" Damn Thickerhoof spat on the ground. "Yaks will release horse hostages only when yaks want to! Until then, we will feed puny ponies inside with your horse food... but you must give us what yaks want—or we go to war!" He sneered. "Keep army outside of Mirror Caverns—or we go to war! Leave sun and moon horses out of this—or we go to war!" With a grunt, he turned tail and marched back into the cave, dragging his axe. "We will be expecting our supplies in ten yak minutes or everypony inside dies." His entrance was received with many cheers and headbutts as the militants inside growled, laughed, and hollered.
Cadance exhaled. "Well..." A faint smile. "We seem to be making progress. He's no longer referring to Princess Celestia or Luna as gross sexual metaphors."
"Yeah..." Shining Armor took off his helmet and rubbed his forehead. "...at this rate, we'll get the hostages out in a century."
"One step at a time, Shining," Cadance said. "Remember, this is for the foals' safety."
"Not to mention the safety of the entire Empire." Clearing his throat, Shining turned to gesture at the perimeter. "I've distanced the defense line by about ten meters so as not to arouse suspicion from the militants."
"Shining..."
"I've also concealed most of the crossbows so that we don't accidentally trigger a firefight," Shining remarked. "Also, yaks don't like the color red, so I've replaced the royal banners with—"
"Shining... my love." Cadance leaned in and placed a hoof on his shoulder. "You're doing wonderfully. You don't have to convince me with an excessively detailed report."
The stallion sighed, rubbing his stubbled chin. "The last thing I want is to throw our entire kingdom into war with Yakyakistan." He gazed at her, ears drooping. "You're a wise ruler, Cadance... but you operate by peace. And if one wrong move screws this whole operation up... then it's all on me."
"You won't bring chaos to the Frozen North," Cadance said. "Not on your watch." She smiled. "I married the best guard in all of Equestria, after all."
Shining smiled back. The two nuzzled, during which he murmured: "Flurry Heart... how... how is she? I've been at this for so long, I... I miss her so much..."
"Shhhhh..." Cadance nuzzled him back. "Our daughter is fine. Sunburst is looking after her. She was asleep last time I checked."
"Mmmm... he's a good stallion," Shining Armor said. "I'm almost tempted to ask for his advice at this point. We could really use a magic trick to get through this debacle without a body count."
"For the last time, Shining, we are not going to war. We just have to... find a way to appease these yaks," Cadance said, nevertheless shuddering. "We owe it to the Crystal ponies to get their children out safely. I'm sure that... given time... the yaks will listen to reason."
"And if they don't?"
Cadance bit her lip. "Let's just... focus on keeping them h-happy for now."
Shining sighed. "You're the ambassador," he managed with a weak smile.
"Are the supplies assembled?"
"Yes. They're being examined in the tent as we speak."
"Who do we have delivering the materials into the cave this time?"
Shining Armor turned to gaze across the defensive perimeter. "Only my finest..."
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Y'know, I'm a very tolerant, open-minded, peace-loving kind of person, but... these yaks, whether canon or fanon... I just wanna reach for a flame-thrower and do Equestria a favor.
One: Glue Stick!!
Two: Shining's finest better be Flash Sentry. You write him so well.
7370992 Fanatic Xenophobes... can't live with them, can't purge them with fire because you're not a fanatic xenophobe.
See, all you need to do is direct a changeling swarm at the yaks.
So, wait. The Empire is more or less an ally or Protectorate of Equestria, right? How big is Yakyakistan that going to war with them is a daunting task? A few divine threats from Celestia on sitting the sun right above their land until all they built with ice and snow is puddles of water and Yaks die of heat stroke under all their fur... failing that, just straight up crushing them and reminding EVERYONE that while Equestria loves peace this clearly isn't the first time Equestria's had to deal with international hostilities and yet they're still around.
7371085
What we need are the Angry Marines
orig03.deviantart.net/9a44/f/2012/271/8/0/angrymarine_poster_by_alex_kazuki-d5g4k8i.jpg
Yaks want Angry?
I say we give them Angry.
Send Fluttershy in.
7370099 And here's a quote from his blog.
And given the present word count and pacing, I'd say the story is right where it needs to be anyways.
The Mirror Caverns may be a landmark, but they are not the Landmark.
strength
Also, I can't help but suspect that the diplomatic situation with Yakyakistan would actually take a turn for the better if Shiny sent a letter to Twilight asking her to teleport inside the caverns and mash all of the militants against the walls until they're so much red putty.
Yeeeaaah... they're being played. They're being played so hard that the tape is wearing thin. There comes a time when one must face that the other party isn't being rational, isn't negotiating in good faith, and just plain isn't interested in peace. The yaks' entire culture is opposed to a peaceful resolution. Still, Cadance and Shining need to try, for the sakea of the hostages and, rather less importantly, of public image.
Flash Sentry!
7371371
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'll keep reading it because I like Lyra but this damn well better be going somewhere.
After catching up to these recent 3 chapters, all I can say is "they mad bro".
On an unrelated note, something seems off to me about this hostage situation. Maybe I'm hallucinating Chekov guns. Maybe the Yak's don't actually have any hostages. Maybe they're just a distraction for something else entirely.
Also, I chuckled at the gray-winged plot device continuing Lyra's suffering last chapter.
25 chapters and counting "for the intro" of the main plot , maybe by the chapter 100 lyra
will go to appleloosa, and by chapter 150 Chrysalis will be latching on lyra, the history is good its take too long for any advance in the storyline.
7371208 maybe. of course this would only hold true if the princesses are actually as ridiculous overpowered as the fandom likes to PRETEND them to be. however considering the season six opening outright proved that they are utterly useless in fighting the bad weather around the crystal empire, the same are yak yakistan is located in, i might see a few problem with your plan.
Combine that with the fact that we have no idea of what weaponry the yaks use and you should be a bit more careful in your tactics.
Oh look another story that presents the yaks as brainless savages, how original. I wish people would pay actual attention to their behaviour in the episode. If they did they might notice that the yaks are actually not as bad as they may appear at first sight. But whom i'm kidding it’s not as if people actually cared about something trival as that
Skirts laid Ellipsis against the wall with a loving tenderness, caressing its now-topmost dot with a pair of skilled fingers and whispering to it sweetly where they liked to imagine an ear. Across the living room, Full Stop groaned and took another swig of whiskey, dropping itself straight into the bottle to absorb the alcoholic beverage directly. By the time Full Stop managed to crawl out the neck of the container some minutes later, Comma hovered before it, making sharp tut-tut sounds.
“Don’t you fucking start, Comma,” Full Stop snarled, struggling to keep its rolling path straight as it moved to the furthest corner it could from Skirts. “And you, Skirts! Have you no shame, macking on my kid right in front of me?! It’s like leaving me wasn’t bad enough!”
As Skirts continued to ignore the other punctuation, Comma wrapped its tail gently around its sibling dot. “Come on, Stops. It’s not like it’s you they’re replacing.” Full Stop tore itself out of Comma’s embrace furiously.
“I told you not to start, arsehole!” it shouted, giving Comma a rough bump. “Skirts and me, we had a thing going! Now they won’t even look at me when I’m talking to them!”
“At least they still use you,” Comma said, an irritable edge in its tone, as Skirts dragged Ellipsis to the floor and pawed at it, as though removing imaginary clothing. Grimacing, the other marks retreated behind the couch to avoid the spectacle that had ensued every night for months. “You want to know loss, walk a mile in my shoes.”
“You don’t have shoes. Or feet,” Full Stop said.
“It’s a metaphor, jackass. You know who’s really got the right to feel left out in the cold?” Comma whirled on Full Stop in anger. “Skirts may be porking a body pillow of your kid, but I’m the one they don’t touch anymore. Our half-sibling Semicolon, too. And you know what? Semicolon and I got over ourselves, we got the hell over More Dots Now over there, and we both get on fine without your SP&A.”
“The fuck is SP&A?”
“Self-Pity and Alcohol, like I told you the last fourteen times you got yourself sloshed.” Muttering under the escalating volume of moans from the other side of the room, Comma added, “By Emdash’s length, you’re thick.”
“I can hear you, arsehole,” Full Stop growled. Then, it shouted, “And I can hear you too! For fuck’s sake, at least try to keep the volume down when you go for a round of rumpy-pumpy with my kid in my living room!”
“I know you can hear me,” Comma said, as Skirts continued to ignore Full Stop’s complaints. “But really, what did you expect when you got involved with an author? They’re all punctuamorous, most of them are exhibitionists, and none are very particular about who’s related. Did you not know this, or is it just that time of—”
“If you finish that joke, or any bloody period joke, I will cut your tail off and see how you like it,” Full Stop snarled.
Comma laughed. “It’s like you don’t even listen to yourself, Stops. Never change.”
I couldn't help myself, and I'm not even a little bit sorry.
I love you and the names you pick. I really do.
~Skeeter The Lurker
How....has the nation of Yakyakistan survived? If this is how they act their nation would have been purged a long time ago or at least be in a constant state of war with some one because no one in their right mind would put up with this type if behavior from any diplomat or ambassador unless they are a doormat.
7473751
You really are just a little ray of sunshine, ain't ya?
https://youtu.be/k_7kg5ZzDZo
Cadance...love and tolerate are all well and good, but when your neighbors are basically braindead Klingons, war is probably gonna have to fit in there at some point.
Heck, just let Luna take over. I'm sure things will go much quicker after she turns Dumb Thickhead inside out and threatens to do the same to anyone who even thinks of harming the hostages...