Chapter 34 - By Dawn's Early Moonlight
The Traveling Tutor and the Royal Exam
By Dawn's Early Moonlight
Time: 10:05 A.M. 9 Hours, 55 minutes until Zero Hour
Scheduled Event: Retaliatory Ambush (with cake) - Cancelled
State of Groom Anxiety: Dread
"All personnel, this is Captain… I mean Prince Shining Armor. Mooncheeks and Sunburn are missing. Repeat, Mooncheeks and Sunburn are missing. Switch to Condition Yellow, wake up the off-shift, and begin standard search procedures, starting in the dessert storeroom, as usual. I want double the guards on Lovebug and Bookworm until we have this under control."
Green Grass had never felt more useless. One moment, he had burst into the room with Shining Armor at his side and enough chocolate cakes to fight a war. The next moment, nothing. No alicorns, no sign or trace that they had ever been there other than a thin coating of grit under his hooves that set his nerves on edge. Shining Armor had taken less than a heartbeat to turn on the door guard, and after a few brisk questions, almost brutally yanked the helmet off the guard to begin barking out orders over the Royal Guard communication crystal contained within. The balcony window was still slick to the touch from Cadence's shield spell, but the pink alicorn in question fluttered down to hover outside the window with her eyes sparkling in anticipation of seeing Luna and Celestia covered in cake when Green Grass waved.
The second half of the shield spell went away with a quiet popping sound as Cadence fluttered down to a graceful landing on the balcony, far different than Twilight's normal awkward thud. "Where did they go?" she asked, looking around the inside of the suite with a puzzled frown.
"I was going to ask you the same thing," said Green Grass. "Do they vanish like this often?"
"No."
Cadence went over to Shining Armor and exchanged a few quiet words while Green Grass looked out the window and felt useless-er. The castle grounds appeared as if a circus was about to open, with tents and booths all around the lawn and the hustle and bustle of ponies who had tasks to complete for the upcoming wedding of a beloved Equestrian Princess to some green schlub. The Royals hated him, the servants did not care if he lived or died, and Twilight… was the only pony who counted in the whole country. With her, he had a purpose far more than just teaching little unicorns how to use their first magic. He was a husband, a soon-to-be father, and an irreplaceable part of Equestria. And most probably would be teaching an itty-bitty alicorn her first magic in a few years too. Or maybe two or three in the years to come.
Although he still needed to get through today first.
Looking for an activity to keep him busy and hold back his pre-wedding jitters, he caught a glimpse of something interesting in the preparations downstairs around the lawn. Several of the gardeners were stalking around the grass with shovels and hoes gripped firmly in their teeth. Every once in a while, one of them would stop and jab at the grass, being joined by all of his fellow groundskeepers until whatever they were stabbing went away, or at least underground again. It seemed odd, and when combined with the odd disappearance of Celestia and Luna, worth checking out.
Still, Shining Armor did not let him run around without a caretaker. A burly crystal earth pony dressed in the armor of the Crystal Guard tagged along after him like a pet rock, only topaz in color and considerably more dangerous in appearance. Gneiss was at least familiar, and Green Grass politely asked the crystal guard pony about his daughter and just what plans had been made for her future magical education. He tried to offer advice on balancing the value of his own Canterlot education with the importance of a home and family nearby, but all he could come up with was a mismatched muddle. After all, he had not been able to manage his own life, so it was stupid to think he could manage the future of Gneiss' little crystal unicorn daughter and the rest of the guard's family in the Crystal Empire.
After a few minutes out in the garden trying to help the gardeners with their elusive weed problem, Green Grass reluctantly gave back the hoe and strolled through the wedding preparations with the false air of knowing what was going on and who needed to do what. He was really trying to feel sorry for himself, and was failing badly as every servant or volunteer made a point of welcoming him to the preparations or congratulating him on his upcoming wedding. It helped, particularly when a few young mares of various races would slip up beside him and whisper a quick story or two about Prince Blueblood, then give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him to pass it on to Twilight.
Of course, something had to come up. In this case, it was the moon.
"That's new," said Green Grass, feeling a little disconnected at the sight of the moon rising up to hover at the side of its sister celestial orb. With both moon and sun in the sky at once, and several hours ahead of schedule, the sounds of panic began to echo all around the grassy yard.
"What does this mean?" gasped a young servant nearby who had been hanging green and lilac bunting on a short hedge.
"It means my marefriend is going to have to go kick some serious flank. Twilight's not going to be happy that somebody's messing with her wedding." Of course, nopony in the vicinity could hear him. There was too much running around and screaming that started almost immediately due to the thorny vines that began bursting up out of the ground all around them.
"Sir!" bellowed the crystalline form of Gneiss as the guard forced his way to Green Grass' side. "We need to get you to a safe place!"
"Really?" gasped Green Grass, ducking away from a spiked vine that seemed to have carnal intentions on him. "Like in there?"
A set of vines coiled out of a nearby window, clutching onto a screaming housekeeper who was trying to beat it to death with a featherduster. Most of the castle windows had acquired at least a vine or two, many of which were struggling with the castle servants or guards. The ponies who seemed to be getting the worst of the exchange were the unicorns, as their magic was twisting on them, reversing whatever improvised weapons they were trying to use against the vines. Gneiss only spent a second gaping at the attacking vines before clamping his jaws onto a smaller vine that had been sneaking up on them.
"The Vault," blurted out Green Grass, taking off at a brisk trot. Gneiss was no more than a step behind, spitting out the remnants of the vine as he picked up his pace. It was hard moderating his pace to appear determined instead of panicked and calling out encouragement to the ponies weeding the unexpected plants, but there were already enough panicked ponies in the vicinity without adding any. The servants and staff of the castle were taking the vine invasion with mixed reactions, from the scrawny goat in the chef's hat who was laying around him with a cleaver as if he were making Equestria's most dangerous salad, to several scandalously-clad maids who were screaming while running away from the clutching vines, much as if they had plenty of practice running away from groping politicians.
The Vault of the Impressive Door⁽*⁾ was currently only besieged by a few small vines, which Green Grass and his guard immediately began to bite and stomp while waiting. Running here had been just a hunch, but when Twilight Sparkle came galloping up a few minutes later with a couple of curlers still wound into her mane and only one hoof polished, he felt vaguely vindicated, in addition to his incipient panic. Both Stonehoof and Axe had stuck right with Twilight during her dash through the castle, although soaked to the knees in plant juices and with Axe's axe dripping in vegetable gore.
(*) After being requested to name the vault, Princess Celestia was never asked to name another. She was perfectly happy with that.
—
"Are you taking the Elements of Harmony to Ponyville to find out what’s causing this?" gasped Green Grass while hopping up and down on a stubborn vine.
"Yes! The vines are coming from the Everfree Forest. Are you going to be okay without me?" Twilight Sparkle stopped panting long enough to jam her horn into the hole in the vault door and mutter something under her breath. A sharp crack echoed around the area and the golden doors swung open, leaving Twilight to fend off an exploring vine while Spike jumped off her back and grabbed a box from the vault.
"As long as you don't lose Spike," said Green Grass, putting one last hoof down as a vine tried to come up through a crack in the pavement. "He's got the rings for this evening. Buckle up, little bro."
"Yeah, yeah," said Spike, checking the contents of the box as he climbed back on board his transportation. "Five gems, two rings and a crowney thing." He slapped the Element of Magic on Twilight's head and settled down on her back, applying the seat belt in question. "Hoardmaster Spike, all inventory accounted for and ready for takeoff!"
"Love you," said Twilight, stretching her wings and looking up in the sky where spiked clouds seemed to be maneuvering to block her path. "I'm going to need a boost." She stole a quick kiss from Green Grass and a smile broke through her intense look of concentration. "Some of that too."
"I'll be where I'm supposed to be on time, dear," said Green Grass, bracing himself in the throwing stance that Spike The Brave And Glorious had told him about. He had practiced the technique with Rainbow Dash several times, although he tried his best not to think about any weight disparity between the two ponies as he hefted up his hefty wife-to-be. "Love you too. Ready when you are. Boys, if you would make a hole, please?"
"For the Princess!" bellowed Stonehoof as he swooped up into the sky and slammed into a spiked cloud with his brother-in-arms a mere wingflap behind. Two pegasi impacting on the stubborn cloud moved it far enough for a brief window of blue to appear, and Green Grass crouched.
"Let me just get my checkliiiiiiiiiiisissst—" Twilight's voice faded away as Green Grass boosted her up into the air. Despite her unexpected launch, the Alicorn of Fast Flight and Friendship zipped between two clouds and began a rapid descent in the direction of Ponyville, which seemed to be a lot greener and viney-er than before.
"And hurry back," he whispered, watching the last hint of purple vanish into the distance.
~ ~ ♥ ~ ~
Time: 12:25 P.M. 7 Hours, 35 minutes until Zero Hour
Scheduled Event: Postponed
State of Groom Anxiety: Strangely elated
There was a certain poetic beauty that would lean towards calling the battle against the vines something silly like The War of the Roses, or Weed War One, but as time wore on, the phrase 'Royal Weeding' tended to be used by the more snarky of the castle staff. Thorny vines would pop up in waves, interspaced with periods of almost eerie inactivity that the ponies used to regroup and grab a quick drink or bite of wedding cake. Princess Cadence and Shining Armor crossed paths with him several times as they tried to keep a handle on the panic-prone ponies preparing for the wedding, which Green Grass insisted was still on schedule, whatever the schedule was at the moment.
"Yes, Papercut, I'm sure." Between the two of them, Green Grass and his servant were bending a vine away from a trapped elderly socialite, who had been trapped between it and a particularly thorny rose bush. "She's going to be back in time, even if she has to travel backwards in time to do it. This is Twilight Sparkle we're talking about."
"Certainly, sir. I’m merely hedging my bets, as they say." Papercut braced his back against the vine and tried not to wince at the feeling of thorns digging into his second-best jacket, his first-best jacket having been condemned to the fire after the memorable griffon dinner. With only one jacket in his closet left unpunctured and unsoiled, he was counting the moments until perhaps a bolt of lightning would strike his apartment across Canterlot and leave him with nothing but his own skin to dress in for the wedding. "One must — pardon me, Madam, but that was my hoof you stepped on — be prepared for all possibilities."
"And in all possibilities, we're going to be there. Together." Green Grass sagged against one of the refreshment tables scattered around the lawn. Several of them had been tipped over by aggressive vines, but the few that still were upright attracted both Royals and servants in a complete breakdown of social boundaries. Most of the castle had been evacuated to the outside, as the vines seemed to prefer the darkness and had little respect for solid stone or the physical impossibility of growing up inside an enclosed space. There were still teams probing — and he winced at the word — the interior of the castle, looking for servants or visitors cut off from escape. Even the various fractious diplomats had chipped in their assistance, from Senior Ambassador Burros, who had an uncanny grasp on the layout of the castle and the small places where ponies might be hiding, to Gauntlet Steely Resolve, who was having the absolute time of his life. The elderly minotaur was flinging himself on every emerging thorned vine with reckless disregard for his own safety, hacking and hewing away with a double-bitted axe until the threat had receded or been chopped into chips, then galloping across the yard with a battle cry to the next fight.
The next Royal Wedding was going to have a waiting list of minotaur guests several pages long.
The sensible thing for ponies to do would have been to evacuate the castle grounds and leave the rescue efforts to the professionals. Canterlot was displaying a considerable lack of sense, and Green Grass was feeling just as senseless as the rest of the ponies who flooded into the castle with hoes and pruning hooks if they were able, and supplies for supporting the other ponies if they were not.
The only parties missing at the dance were the griffons, still gathered together on the Indomitable in silent rows and looking down at the ongoing struggle. More than a few envious looks were directed at the massive airship and all of the feathered inhabitants whose assistance would have been appreciated, but since the Griffons were still in mourning and the situation seemed to be relatively under control as much as anything in Canterlot was ever under control, there were only a few disgruntled mutterings between the waves of weeds.
* ✹ ☾ *
Time: 2:40 P.M. 5 Hours, 20 minutes until Zero Hour
Scheduled Event: Mourning
State of Griffon Anxiety: Upset
“We should be down there,” muttered Prince Sky, gathered with the rest of the emperor’s retinue in the observation lounge while looking down at the tangled vines attempting to take over the castle’s yard.
“Shh!” warned Princess Sun Shines, up on the tips of her paws in order to peer out the window. “Emperor Ripping Claw will hear you. We’re supposed to be in mourning for—” Sunny swallowed and snapped her beak “—Stellar Screeching.” She ruffled her feathers and rested her beak against the window with a faint click. “I wish I could be down there too,” she whispered.
“Prince Sky?” A slim pegasus dressed in the golden torc that designated him as an Imperial Messenger bowed before the young griffon. “I have a verbal intelligence report for your father, but he is currently in discussion with the Wingmaster Council.” The pegasus gave only a brief glance at the close grouping of several huge griffons, all of which had their feathers up on end and looking nearly twice their size even if their voices were held down to near-silent chirps and squawks. Not even an armored Imperial Guard would be foolish enough to interrupt them, and the unarmored pegasus seemed perfectly comfortable with keeping his distance.
“I am no longer my father’s Heir,” said Sky, continuing as he saw the pegasus shoot a nervous glance at the emperor, “but I shall pass along your report so you do not need to endanger yourself.”
“Thank you, Prince Sky.” The pegasus bowed his head again. “The situation on the ground is unchanged. The Princess of the Day and the Princess of the Night are still both missing. The Princess of Friendship has arrived in the besieged town of Ponyville according to the Imperial Security section in the observation annex, although they cannot make out any details at this range.” The pegasus coughed into one hoof. “Colonel Sleeting Down asked that I pass on his repeated request for a larger telescope.”
“And what of the Crystal Princess?”
“Still in the midst of things, sir. Rallying the ponies and coordinating the rescue efforts. There seems to be a certain reluctance on behalf of all of the ponies to abandon the castle or the wedding. Imperial Security noted that a goat and several cooks organized a counterattack into the castle bakery and rescued the wedding cake before heading back in after the cream puffs.”
“Very well. You are dismis—” Sky paused as he noticed a bloody scratch down the side of the messenger, most probably from one of the aggressive spiked clouds that were still stalking around the sky. “Just one moment. Report to the infirmary and get that treated before returning to duty.”
The pegasus seemed surprised for a moment. “I can still carry out my duties, sir.”
“No arguments, Courier.” Sky frowned. “You and the rest of the airship staff are not expendable. We’re going to be leaving Equestria in a little more than an hour, and I don’t want to lose anygriffon or anypony.”
* ✹ ☾ *
Time: 4:10 P.M. 3 Hours, 50 minutes until Zero Hour
Scheduled Event: Griffon airship departure (delayed)
State of Groom Anxiety: Frazzled
“Every new wave of vines just get bigger and stronger!” Green Grass clamped his jaws down on the crosscut saw he and Papercut had found in the Royal Gardens maintenance shed and began to saw through the base of the hefty vine that was chasing guests around the wrecked yard.
“Very astute, sir.” Papercut’s reply was somewhat muted, as the other end of the saw in his teeth kept him from the degree of biting sarcasm that he wanted to use. The remains of his jacket decorated the thorns of a pile of previously severed vines, although he had managed to keep his bow tie, even as gooey and stained as it had become. After all, without it he would have been naked, and somehow Green Grass had managed to keep his hat up to this point, which counted for more metaphorical points. Once the vine had been sawed through and began to wither, Papercut spit out the saw and asked, “Have you considered an alternate location for your vows, sir? Perhaps the Equestrian Wrestling Association would be willing to free up a cage.”
“You know who really needs a cage?” Green Grass sat down in the ripped-up lawn and wiped his forehead. “The individual behind this.”
“You don’t mean…” Papercut paused after delivering the line. After all, dramatic timing was part of his training when he became Princess Celestia’s interim Appointment Secretary, and Green Grass had much the same cues.
“Who else could it be? There’s only one individual who could have come up with a plan this devious to wreck our wedding.”
“Oh, there you are, darling.” ‘Ambassador Honey Bear’ trotted across the uneven lawn and took a detour around a stack of twitching vines. “I just wanted to drop this off before the wedding, but I can’t find the gift table, so here. Make sure your minion gives it to Little Miss Purplesmart.” The disguised changeling removed a thick hardback book from her satchel and hoofed it over to Papercut, who passed it on with considerable skepticism.
“You know, it’s traditional to wrap a wedding present, Your Majesty,” said Green Grass, looking at the thin red ribbon around the book. “Daring Do and the Legend of the Lost Art.” He flipped it over. “Property of Rainbow Dash.”
The disguised changeling waved a dismissive hoof. “You may want to stand back when you show that to her. By the way, has she returned yet?” Her smile became nearly vulpine and she leaned closer. “Or do you need a stand-in?”
Green changeling magic flared around Chrysalis, but when it faded out, the pony standing there was most definitely not Twilight Sparkle, unless she had dyed her coat orange, put on a clown wig, and was wearing four of the most immense shoes.
“By the way, madam,” said Papercut. “You may wish to restrain yourself from any sort of magic for a while. The chaos magic in the vines affect it in a negative fashion.”
“What?” Chrysalis held up one giant floppy foot and stared. “What!” she repeated.
“As I was saying,” started Green Grass, “there is only one individual who could have come up with a plan this devious to wreck our wedding, and that is—”
A vine that had just shot up out of the ground opened up with a cheery elevator-like ‘ding’ and Discord stepped out. “First floor, wedding apparel, garden supplies and… clown costumes. Very nice outfit, Chryssy. I didn’t realize this wedding had a dress code.” He grabbed his mustache and pulled downwards like a roll-up blind, revealing a brilliant orange tuxedo with knee-high pants and bright yellow socks blinking ‘Kiss me in the dark, baby.’
“Very impressive.” Green Grass sat down on his rump and clapped his forehooves. “How much longer until Twilight and her friends uproot whatever giant weed of yours is behind this?”
“Oh, it’s just a matter of time.” Discord snickered while doing something with his hands. “I do so enjoy watching Twilight wind herself up into knots. She’s like my own little knitting project.” With a flick of the wrist, the draconequus produced a crocheted alicorn on strings, which he made to dance a little jig.
Green Grass coughed into a dirty hoof. “While I’ve got your attention for a moment, I just wanted to pass along a change in the seating arrangements. You used to be seated over there—” Green Grass pointed to a section of the castle lawn that looked like it had been used for a tug-of-war between bulldozers “—in the Reformed Villains section, right next to the Not-Quite Reformed Villains Section where all the changelings are supposed to sit.”
“Wait a minute!” exclaimed Queen Chrysalis, stomping over to Green Grass on giant floppy hooves that gave out little honking noises with every step. “I didn’t get an invitation.”
“Must have gotten lost in the mail,” explained Green Grass. “Make sure to bring Peep Sprout. The Crusaders were asking about him. I’m sorry in advance. He probably should pack a helmet. Anyway, with this latest event of yours, I think Twilight is going to want to seat you in the Unreformed Villains Section.”
“Moi?” A halo appeared above the draconequus, which was slightly offset by the checkered suit and the name tag of ‘Dis Chord, Quality Used Wagons.’ “I shall protest this unjust action to the highest court of the land.”
“Which is run by Alicorns, two of whom had something happen to them because of your vines.”
“Well, really! Where is this Unreformed Villains Section anyway?” Discord unfolded a dusty Equestrian road map and proceeded to origami it into a tiny little castle, complete with a wedding party in the lawn and a tiny origami Discord folding a tiny roadmap.
Green Grass turned him around and pointed towards the distant horizon. “Do you see that tiny little mountain, way, way over there, with the snowpacked peaks?”
“I think so. Let me check.” Discord reached up and twisted the air in front of Green Grass, and almost instantly the two of them were alone on a snow-swept peak with a pair of stone chairs carved out of the mountain, both of which had little ‘Reserved’ signs on the name tags, one of which was labeled ‘Discord’ and the other ‘Queen Chrysalis.’ True to what Twilight Sparkle had told him, Green Grass could still see Canterlot from here, if he squinted and looked really hard at the distant horizon, but Discord simply scowled and pointed. “I can’t even see the wedding from here,” he complained.
“I’ll have Twilight bring you a telescope.” Green Grass took a step back from the sharp cliff edge. “Most likely coin-operated.”
Discord crossed his mismatched arms and huffed. “And after all I’m doing for you.”
His immediate response was almost to snap, “Like what?” It took a moment and turning the events upside-down in his head for Green Grass to see what the god of chaos was talking about.
“Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the social classes in Canterlot work together like this before,” said Green Grass. “Even the royals who hate my guts are out there weeding like crazy. Maybe they think of the vines as me.”
“I did make sure to match the colors,” said Discord, holding a book of fabric swatches next to Green Grass with one labeled ‘Plundervine Green.’ “Sweet Rarity would have been so upset if they had been plaid or something more interesting.”
After a long moment of consideration, Green Grass said, “So it’s just a matter of time, like you said. Assuming you’re telling the truth, like a good friend would, the vines are not something that you are doing, but the result of something you did before, right?”
Discord seated himself on a throne with one paw on a stack of comic books and the other claw held up in the air. “I swear I’m telling the truth. I have had nothing to do with those plundervines since dear sweet Fluttershy became my friend. Oh, and your little bride too.”
“That’s really too bad,” started Green Grass, carefully picking his way through the verbal minefield. “I haven’t seen the various social classes so united in ever.”
“I’m sure it’s just a temporary thing,” said Discord. “Tomorrow they’ll be putting frogs in each other’s tea just like normal again.”
“Does Twilight seem to be enjoying herself, wherever or whenever she is?” asked Green Grass, trying not to remember many years ago what his mother said when she found a frog in her tea and just how Discord knew about his youthful pranks.
“Having the time of her life!” said Discord, unfolding a travel guide with ‘Visit The Historic Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters’ written in glitter across the top. “You might even say she’s on an educational trip, learning all about her teacher. I do hope she brings back some souvenirs from that era. Would you like one?”
The god of chaos reached around behind himself and produced a small, batwinged colt with big yellow eyes, who promptly sniffled as if he was about to cry. “Whoops,” said Discord. “I think this one is under the limit.” He produced a tape measure and stretched it around his own head before yanking an orange pacifier out of midair, sticking into the crying foal’s mouth, and making the little nocturne colt vanish just as fast as it had appeared.
“I… think we should be getting back,” said Green Grass, trying to figure out how he would get down the isolated mountain if Discord decided to jaunt off by himself. He was fairly sure Twilight would find him afterwards, but being unable to help the rest of the Canterlot ponies fighting against the vine invasion would have been uncomfortable, to say the least. “This sounds funny, but thank you.”
“I’m afraid I didn’t get that.” Discord held a microphone under Green Grass’ nose while an entire recording studio worth of lights, cameras, and boom microphones unfolded behind him, each of them held by a smaller Discord. “Could you repeat it?”
“After the wedding,” said Green Grass, pushing away the microphone and looking at the distant mountain city with the griffon emperor’s zeppelin bobbing above it.” I just wish I knew why the griffons haven’t left yet.”
“That, I may have had a small part in,” admitted Discord, holding his claws a microscopic distance from each other.
~ ~ ♥ ~ ~
Time: 4:30 P.M. 3 Hours, 30 minutes until Zero Hour
Scheduled Event: Griffon airship departure (considerably delayed)
State of Groom Anxiety: Too busy fighting vines to notice
“Captain!” bellowed Emperor Ripping Claw in a voice that could most likely be heard at the other end of the massive zeppelin despite Captain Even Keel standing just a few claws away. “Why are you delaying our departure! What kind of blithering incompetents are running my airship!”
The stocky earth pony leaned into the blast of words with a fierce scowl, returning his emperor’s words with nearly the same volume. “Get off my plot, Your Majesty! I’ve told you before, the Indomitable will weigh anchor and depart the moment we get the engines running and not one moment before! I’ve got my whole engineering team tearing down Engine One to find out just why it won’t start, and all the bellowing you do won’t change a damned thing, so unless you want to get out and push, I respectfully suggest you stick a cork in it!” The one remaining blue eye that was not covered by the captain’s eyepatch glittered with aggression that would have been perfectly in place on one of the emperor’s griffon wingmasters, and the rest of the earth pony’s stance with rear hooves planted wide and bent forelegs mirrored the pose of a griffon in full rage who had been pushed to the limit. The only non-Equestrian accommodation that the earth pony had made to his griffon superiors was the standard emergency parachute in Imperial colors that snugged between his shoulderblades just in case he were to fall (or be thrown) out of the airship.
Their mutual glare was interrupted by the youthful cry of “Captain! Captain!” as a young unicorn came galloping into the bridge. “We found the problem with the engines, Captain Keel. Look!”
A dripping fuel filter floated forward in the colt’s magical field, and the griffon emperor snatched it right out of the air for a closer inspection. “What is this?” With a flick of a talon, Ripping Claw brushed a talon along the gooey filter and brought some of the dark substance up to his tongue, where he sampled it with several introspective clicks of his beak. “Jelly?”
“Jam, sir!” The young colt saluted so briskly the edge of his hoof knocked against his horn. “It’s packed all through the fuel lines on all four engines. We’re unstowing the spare filters, but the jam has to be cleared and the lines purged before we can try a restart, or the seeds will play holy tartarus in the pistons.”
Captain Even Keel returned the salute with a fierce frown. “Aircolt Cabin, report back to the engineering team. Have them put all effort into clearing one of the lines, I don’t care which one, just as long as we get one of the engines running. We can clear out the rest of the fuel lines while making quarter speed on the way to Manehattan. Dismissed.”
The departing clatter of young hooves had not died out by the time the captain returned his attention to His Royal Majesty, who was holding the jammed fuel filter and looking out of the bridge windows with a certain perplexed expression. “Captain Even Keel, son of Admiral Nail, grandson of Nail Biter, I believe I owe you an apology.”
“No, sir!” snapped the stocky earth pony. “We serve the Empire.” Despite his best efforts, the captain’s remaining eye glanced to the emperor’s side where the dark nocturne had normally maintained his tense crouch for the last few hours. Now the Emperor’s newest Imperial Guard was simply sitting perfectly immobile, looking rather cross-eyed at the orange pacifier between his lips.
“No, Captain. I believe the blame for our delayed departure can be placed fully on someone else.” The emperor plucked the pacifier out of Pumpernickel’s mouth and waved it against the thick glass of the bridge window, watching down below in the chaotic castle yard full of scurrying ponies and twisting spiked vines where a certain draconequus returned his wave with a blown kiss. It really did not surprise Emperor Ripping Claw when a pair of lips flew up from the ground, made several trips around the zeppelin, and smacked against the glass outside with a rousing “Pppppphhhhhppppttthhhh!!”
“After all, there’s only one creature in Equestria who would dare to give me the raspberry.”
~ ~ ♥ ~ ~
Time: 5:35 P.M. 2 Hours, 25 minutes until Zero Hour
Scheduled Event: Royal Equestrian Combat Band Concert (somewhat delayed)
State of Groom Anxiety: Bemused
“I had no idea that the Royal Guard had a combat concert band,” said Green Grass, taking a few moments of relaxation between waves of spiked vines. The castle yard looked more like a war zone than a wedding in the process of gathering guests and entertaining them. A little over twenty ponies in Royal Guard armor sat/stood in the destroyed remains of a bandstand, honking and tooting away on brass instruments, most of which had bayonets or swords attached in various places. After each musical number, there was a brief break where curious vines were discouraged from interfering with the concert, after which the band would break into another number.
“Originally, that’s the branch of service I was interested in,” admitted Shining Armor, who had also taken advantage of the momentary lull in order to sit and listen. “Without the pun.”
“Gotta love a stallion who can play the flugelhorn,” giggled Princess Cadence, stealing a kiss from her husband. “Gives ‘em strong lips. Not like wimpy clarinet players.”
“Clarinets are perfectly legitimate band instruments,” protested Green Grass, although after a brief inspection of the military band he had to add, “They just don’t have as many weaponry mounting points.”
“Looks like the vines are starting up again,” said Shining Armor. He lifted one steel-clad hoof and ground it into a sprouting vine, only to have two more pop up right after it. “Come on, sis. What’s keeping you?”
“Don’t worry,” said Green Grass while grabbing one of the smaller vines in his teeth and tugging. “Twilight will get these vines down. We just have to give her more time.”
Both of the older Royal Couple gave matching facehoofs.
“Geek!” declared Cadence with a giggle.
“Nerd!” added Shining Armor.
And then the vines began to burst up out of the remaining ground, and there was no time for a witty response, even if he could think of one. All around the three of them, more spiked vines than had ever attacked before waved in the air, grabbed at ponies, and broke wedding tables like twigs. In return, the ponies who had crowded into the lawn from Canterlot fought back with teeth, hoof, and the occasional chainsaw.
The volunteers from the city had brought far more than mere garden tools to the fight. Retiring guards and soldiers for the last several centuries had fed private collections across the city with an array of weapons that would have driven many peace activists into a collective case of the vapors. Bill hooks and pikes clutched in pony jaws and hooves crashed through vines with vegetative splatters of gore, while even small colts and fillies had outfitted themselves with historical weapons, jabbing and cutting away with sharp knives which had once been wielded by their long-dead ancestors.
“Sir!” gasped a battered and splattered Royal Guard who staggered up to Shining Armor. “The infirmary has been cut off! We’ve got over a dozen wounded in there and the vines are too thick to chop our way in.”
“Ponyfeathers!” swore Shining Armor. He ground another vine underhoof and surveyed the battlefield. “Don’t we have anypony in there to help defend it?”
“Uh…” The guard glanced over his shoulder at the vines coiling out of the fourth-floor window and the cluster of sword-wielding pegasi attempting to chop their way through. “Prince Blueblood is in there somewhere.”
“Sergeant Capricorn, do the vines fill up the entire corridors?” asked Green Grass.
“No, but they’re packed in too tight for us to squeeze by,” said the pegasus guard.
“Peep!” screamed Green Grass, taking a quick breath as the small brownish earth pony colt holding a short sword in his mouth darted over. “Peep, can I get you to do me a favor? I’ll owe you one.”
“What is it, guv’nor?” The small disguised changeling spat out the sword and saluted with a mischievous grin. Behind him, an array of glittering small crystal ponies — who most likely had staged a breakout from the foalsitting coral — each held a bladed weapon of their own clutched in tiny jaws. Manestyles and hats had been cast aside for the glorious coatings of plant sap and chopped aggressive veggies, revealing more than a few small horns among the sparkling diminutive horde, as well as one or two more cutie marks than Green Grass remembered among his glittering students.
“Fourth floor in the castle, in the infirmary. We’ve got a bunch of ponies cut off who need your help. Gather every weapon you can carry and follow Sergeant Capricorn here. See if you can slip through the vines in the corridors until you reach the infirmary, then distribute the weapons and hold the vines off until we can send help. Got it?”
“Will it be dangerous?” asked Peep Sprout, his little eyes glittering with joy.
“Very much so,” said Green Grass.
“Can I bring my new friends?”
“Ahhh…” Green Grass took another look at the vine-tangled yard and the screaming chaos that had filled it up to the walls. “Yes. But be careful!”
“Cool!” The little changeling and his mini-army bounded off behind a confused guard while Shining Armor backed up into Green Grass.
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” snapped Shining Armor through a mouthful of vine.
“I haven’t known what I’m doing for over a year now,” snapped Green Grass after biting off the stretched vine near the ground. “After all, I’m marrying your sister!”
“Point!” declared Shining Armor.
The attacking vines only grew thicker, and Green Grass was thankful that Shining Armor seemed to approve of him as a brother-in-law, because there were several moments where he could have easily and ‘accidentally’ let the future groom vanish under a wave of violent violets. It would have only made sense for the ponies to abandon the yard to the vicious vegetables and retreat back to the rest of the city, which did not seem to be affected by the vines at all. All that Twilight was fond of saying about Ponyville seemed twice as applicable to Canterlot: “Everypony in this town is crazy!”
The diplomatic contingent seemed to be just as affected by the regional insanity as the ponies. He had expected the minotaurs to not back down from a fight, but armed and armored donkeys cut through the vines with deadly focus, and even the sphinx was… doing whatever the sphinx was doing. As an indication of just how things were going, when Chrysalis threw away her disguise and began laying around her with holey hoof and jagged horn, there was a cheer from all of the ponies around, even the minotaurs. Green Grass could understand why the Queen of Changelings would not want to have a bunch of plants upstage her failed attempt at disrupting a Royal Wedding, and even nudged his future in-laws to cheer on her efforts.
They were still losing.
One at a time, Green Grass could see ponies vanishing underneath the vines faster than the rest of the volunteers could cut, bite, claw, and saw them free. The mixture of sun and moonlight may have been discouraging the vines, and ponies still flooded into the yard from the rest of the city, but animal was losing against vegetable.
“Why won’t the Griffons help?” snapped Shining Armor, looking up at the stationary zeppelin which seemed to be completely covered in multicolored feathers from the number of observers.
“Rhetorical question,” said Green Grass. “You know as well as I do that Emperor Ripping Claw is restricted by treaty from engaging in any military operations on Equestrian soil without the express consent of Princess Celestia or Princess Luna.”
“My aunts aren’t here!” shouted Cadence, stomping repeatedly on a thick vine that was groping for something it should not have been. “Can’t I send them a letter or something? I can forge Celestia’s signature fairly well.”
“We better do something fast before we’re all overrun,” said Shining Armor through a mouthful of sword hilt. He brought the family sword down on a vine and stomped the severed end before it could withdraw under the ground. “We’re losing too many ponies, and I’m not calling for a retreat without them.”
“That’s it!” Green Grass lunged away from a vine and pulled Shining Armor closer. “Cadence! Head for the bandstand! Right now! We need a flugelhorn!”
* ✹ ☾ *
Time: 5:57 P.M. 2 Hours, 3 minutes until Zero Hour
Scheduled Event: Chaos
State of Emperor’s Anxiety: Fury
“I am your Emperor!” bellowed Emperor Ripping Claw. “Once that engine starts, we will be away from here.”
“The ponies need our help!” bellowed Prince Sky right back at his father and only a beaklength away.
“We signed a treaty!” screeched the emperor. “We pledged our word of honor!”
The crowd of griffons that had packed themselves into the open platform beneath the zeppelin looked back and forth, much like the audience at a tennis game. The argument between father and son had gone through several increasingly strident repetitions as the writhing carpet of vines had grown thicker below and the ponies had begun to vanish from sight.
“They will die without our help, Father! Celestia and Luna are not available to call for us, and the ponies refuse to give ground to their attacker! Will we let our closest ally perish beneath mere plants because of a few words written on paper? Will we allow their bravery against the odds to stand while we cringe from the fight? We may not be ready to soar at their sides in the sky, but we are Griffons, bone and blood! We rise to the conflict no matter the cost! We—”
All shouting and even breathing cut off as the sound of a trumpet floated up through the air. “To arms! To arms!” was the strident cry, much as the notes of a bugle had sounded centuries ago while the few surviving griffons still huddled in their frozen nests had prepared to meet their end.
Griffon history would record the specifics about Prince Sky's dramatic speech in the air above Canterlot before leading the flock in a reckless plunge into the growing fight, how he rallied their confidence with powerful words in defense of the beleaguered ponies fighting a losing battle against overwhelming odds. Honor and Duty featured highly in his strident exhortation, calling for the noble race of Griffons to strike forth in the memory of Commander Hurricane and once again fight alongside the ponies against their enemies to bring honor to their ancestors.
History lies.
Moments after the sound of the trumpet's call echoed through the sky, the young griffon prince flung himself over the zeppelin railing side by side with Sunny, giving a loud mutual cry of "For the Princess!" For one heartbeat, silence reigned aboard the zeppelin, then every single griffon leapt at the same time, making the massive vessel lurch as the griffons plunged down out of the Canterlot sky with talons and beaks extended and a bellowing roar in unison.
“For the Princess!”
A wave of glittering steel and razor-sharp talons swept through the writhing vines like a mad threshing machine, leaving freed and cheering ponies as the griffons swung back for another pass. Grasping vines went flying as the section of ground around Princess Cadence was nearly mowed level with the uneven ground and two familiar Royal Guard Cadets dropped down to protect her sides from any counterattack. Griffons were still yanked out of the air by aggressive vines, but drawing attention in that fashion led to almost immediate retaliation and a bad case of Induced Salad Syndrome.
Pairing themselves up with the few Royal Guards still in the sky, combined teams of ponies and griffons spread out across every corner of the wedding area with swords and claws running green from the destruction, and cheering ponies left free in their wake. Even the sphinx, who had vanished under a pile of vines much earlier, managed to fight free when several teams of flying extreme gardeners descended on his/her/its vegetative lump, leaving behind what looked like for all intents and purposes, Equestria’s largest tossed salad.
It could have been hours later or only minutes when Green Grass started to notice the sky beginning to clear and the vines withering away to nothing, but after a while it became obvious, particularly when the vast feathered bulk of the griffon emperor swept down to clap him on the back with a bellowed greeting. All around the raw earth and splintered bleachers, ponies and griffons rose up to clutch each other in hugs and even kisses. The off-key notes of a few musical instruments wobbled up into the air, combined with a rousing cheer when the moon slid down under the horizon while the sun remained in approximately the correct position for the day.
Graphite came staggering up to his brother, covered in sap and vegetable gore with an unbreakable grin and a friendly head-noogie that knocked his hat to one side. “Grassy! What does it take to get your hat off, bro?”
“Bedtime,” declared Green Grass, arranging his dirty hat back in place. “Which is still several hours away. Can I get a boost, bro?”
Minutes later, the amplified voice of the groom boomed out over the celebration. “Gentlesapients of all races, may I have your attention?” As the cheering and talking died down, Green Grass stood on the tallest section of uneven dirt in the Canterlot castle yard and beamed in overwhelming joy. “In just a few hours, I will be standing right here with Princess Twilight Sparkle, exchanging our wedding vows. We would like to thank you all for your assistance so far, and welcome everyone to the ceremony, regardless of any seating chart. So until then, I’ll be helping clean up and I’ll be grateful for the assistance of anyone who wishes to stay and pitch in.”
He grinned as a wave of applause swept around the courtyard, but raised his hoof before it could go on too long. “First, we have a few important priorities. There are still some ponies trapped in the castle, so if the search and rescue teams could please coordinate with the Royal Guards over by the main gate. Also, and this is very important. There are two griffons guarding a rather large pile of bushes and trees over there—” Green Grass waved a hoof and rolled his eyes “—and I believe Her Highness and His Highness of the Crystal Empire are currently having a personal moment behind them that we really don’t want to interrupt.”
Once the applause and laughter had died down, Green Grass continued, “Next, we’re going to need some help with…”
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Did anypony else just hear an alicorn egg drop?
FYI: I wanted to show the Zeppelin crew parachuting and sliding down the anchor cable too, but I could not fit it in.
Flugelhorn and clarinet. I wonder what Greenie and Twiley's first dance might be.
Yes, I heard it.
This day, Pony and Griffon blood was spilled together against a common foe once more. This day, the alliance of the two races was reforged and a new era of their friendship has begun. This day, Prince Sky gained the right to demand his father stand down on the grounds of age-induced enfeeblement and/or cowardice and, thus, the crown passed to a young Griffon who had proven his friendship for Equestria and his courage in battle in a way that no Griffon Emperor had since legendary times.
And I do believe that this was all in accord with Ripping Claw's hastily-formed plan.
Discord is ancient, powerful and wise beyond mortal imagining. One wonders if he, too, had an agenda here and it is for this reason that he did not just magic the Plunderseeds away.
Meanwhile, I suspect that nobles who once refused to even acknowledge Green Grass's existence will be calling him 'Your Highness' and already be creating their personal family legend about how they stood at the side of the greatest general of the Earth Ponies on the day of the Battle of the Vines. How they witnessed his reproof of the Dark God of Chaos, Discord and how he refused to take rest until the post-battle was done.
Wait, you're not going to...
Of course you are...and I love it.
Very nice fight scene. Also good to see Sky make an about face. The anchor scene would have been hilarious...
Well. That was glorious. Especially nice was how Discord found a way to make this look less bad. And of course, the wife toss. Really, this whole chapter was fantastic. Twilight's need of a new crown will have to be thrown on the to-do pile. (I suppose she could still wear her current tiara, but it just looks kind of sad without the Element of Magic.)
And we all know why Blueblood wasn't able to protect the medical wing...
Plunderweed Vines: Giggity Giggity Goo!
Someone's a fan of Mel Brooks...
6687241 Considering they gave up the jewels and not the jewelry they were set in, you'd think they would have just commissioned a few fresh cut gems for replacements. Sure, they still wouldn't work anymore, but it would still be a better sight than that spiky thing Twilight wears to replace it...
Mental headline: "Latest chapter made of win, deserves moustache"
6687190 Eh, at least Discord will be part of the wedding still.... which fits just well with that 'writer's training camp' short chapter Georg did a while back (I won't link it because I have a feeling a link for it will appear in the next chapter).
6687212 Oh yes, yes he did. And that one creature who would dare.... is Lonestar! Er, I mean, Discord! (But in all seriousness, that movie is my second favorite Mel Brooks movie of all time.... first place is a tie between Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles).
I will say I am very proud of Prince Sky in the chapter.... he has taken off the blinders (no pun intended) that kept him from seeing how much better it is to be friends with the ponies instead of shunning them.
Everything about this chapter was perfect. Just, perfect. I'd do my usual quote and comment, but it would be more or less the entire chapter.
/standing ovation
6687241 Oh my God you managed to make your avatar better.
I don't quite understand why this only has 357 likes with how amazing this story is. We need to get it out to more readers. Great chapters as always. Looking forward to the wedding.
Clif hanger cliff hangers.. DANG it my paws are getting sore hanging on for the next update
Hah, "carnal intentions"
Ah yes. Celestia's unique style of naming rears its head again
Punsplosion!
Oi! That cake is for after the wedding!
I can imagine
Did Chrysalis steal a book from Rainbow Dash as wedding present?
Oh, sublime! It messes up changeling transformation!
Balls of fricking adamantium.
Ahh. They've been jammed. The good old Spaceballs classic
Dammit, Discord
For those who didn't quite get the Spaceballs reference yet
Chrysalis: 0, Discord: 1
Uh-oh. You know it's bad when the solution involves flugelhorns.
Oh.
Oh my.
Aw yiss
Are those the Highnesses I think it are? Rip and Celestia?
Remarks and corrections:
> “Do you see that tiny little mountain, way, way over there, with the snowpacked peaks.
Missing end quote. Should probably also have a question mark.
6688382 fixed, and changed to —and I believe Her Highness and His Highness of the Crystal Empire in order to make it more specific.
Ponies in the Griffon Empire are a little more... assertive than their Equestrian counterparts. Particularly the son of Admiral Nails, son of Nail Biter. (seriously, nobody caught that?)
6688244 Only one more posting. I'm posting the last chapter and Errata on the same day. Then the day after that, My Niece, The Star.
6687920 Thought you had /standing ovulation there for a minute.
6687365 I'm certain Curator Stuffy Fossil will be burning horseshoes for the Archives the moment he notices Princess Twilight is short one crown. After all, Green Grass might still have that 'other' one around somewhere, and it does say #1mOm on the front of it.
6687241 I was kinda sorta wondering how the Hasbro team settled on a crown that looked like that with 5 red gems, other than it right/left flips well with Flash animation. Diamond Tiara's crown is also a 5 pointer that flips too.
6687214 Yeah, that's why I shied away from it. It took away from the seriousness of the moment. I may see if I can wedge it in someday when I'm feeling retcon-ish.
6687190 Minor flaw in that idea. Prince Shining Armor has been leading the fight and called for the griffons. He's going to get a lot more love and attention from the Unicorn Royals than the scroungy green earth pony. On the other hoof, the grand mess of servants, guests, and diplomats may be more favorably inclined to the groom. Watch next chapter.
6688534
I always figured the symbolism of the Replacement Tiara of Friendship was one jewel for each other Bearer, recognizing all they did to help Twilight get where she is. Granted, that snubs Spike, but it's not like it recognizes Celestia, Shining Armor, Twilight's parents...
Of course, that's a Watsonian explanation. The Doylist one is likely, as you noted, symmetry. Also, it kind of looks like her cutie mark with all of the acute angles.
6688204 Probably a lot of people waiting to upvote/fav until the end.
6688534
There sure are a lot of Highnesses going around
Awesome army of Future Badasses here, the next Sombra to pop up is going to regret messing with the Crystal Empire.
Cue Ride of the Valkyries
And Sunny joins in. I can totally see her landing by the Crusaders and the four of them ending up covered in plant guts but grinning happily.
6687302 Couldn't happen to a more wretched piece of filth. I bet any mares he harassed that ended up in that wing were shouting tips and pouring the vines drinks.
Merchandising! Merchandising!
Travelling Tutor the flame-thrower!
(The CMC will love this one.)
The placement of the plundervines is a bit odd since you mentioned events that took place later in S4.
I'm sure Cheese Sandwich was mentioned and that happened after they returned the elements.
6698073 I have altered the order of the episodes. Pray that I do not alter them further. (couldn't resist)
Considering the prevalence of the joke, I'm guessing she was muttering "Bananas bananas bananas."
EDIT: adding in this chunk.
Everytime I read this:
I think it should be this:
pre15.deviantart.net/41d2/th/pre/f/2012/197/9/0/908380f183cc4c5b7c6d2a2c1a002e28-d57gxsz.png
I'm finishing my third or fourth reading of this story, and I still don't understand this part. Georg, mind explaining the joke I don't understand?
8160739 Really? Turn in your Nerd badge. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (4:01 minutes into the clip, since Fimfiction doesn't do time tags in YouTube links)
I found that far funnier than I should have.
...Immediate suspicion of Reference.
Target confirmed. Reference identification verified. INCOMING!!!
Might want to check with Operator Jack Backwards on the condition of the MaDaR(*) system.
* Magical Detection and Ranging
(cross-eyed burro pops head up from hatch in floor) "I'm having some problems with it, sir! I've lost the bleeps:
the sweeps:
and the creeps:
"Oh don't worry.
I've been here the whole time."
....I think I get this one, Endor looked like a nice place. (once you get rid of the natives)
Me: "What?" *looks at the thunderclouds I had been accumulating above Papercut's apartment* "Fine." *moves the jacket to Crosswind's room before letting Derpy loose*
Don't be silly, Greenie, it won't be pages long..... It will be several books long
Well, my guess was close. I would have guessed Lumpy's unborn foal. Never would have guessed an age reduced Lumpy himself.
9587691
What you talking about? You've never seen Endor.
Sky seems to have taken his lessons to heart!
With the emphasis on trip, of course. Imbibing strange alchemical substances in order to induce visions on your wedding day, Sparky? Tsk, tsk!
LONESTAR!!!