Chapter 3 - Facing the Music
The Traveling Tutor and the Royal Exam
Facing the Music
“She bit me!”
Prince Blueblood twisted in agony as the Royal Physician — who was far more used to treating his various pique related slights — dabbed a little bit of disinfectant over the battle wound. In terms of Royal Guard training injuries, the bite fell quite well into the category of “You had better get that looked at, sir,” although the angle and intensity of the vivid bruise could have been quite serious if Princess Sparkle had actually been trained in hoof-to-hoof combat, a deficiency in her upbringing that the physician made a mental note to bring up the next time Prince Consort Shining Armor was sitting in the treatment room.
“Do alicorns have any kind of venom? I’m feeling a little woozy. Or maybe she’s ill. Do you think it’s contagious?”
The Royal Physician considered his words carefully, moderating them in light of what he had learned from his nurse just a few moments before the officious ponce had come stumbling into the office, wailing as if he had been mortally wounded.
“Don’t worry, Your Highness. I’m pretty sure you can’t catch what she has.”
Resisting an overwhelming urge to fill Blueblood’s mouth full of cotton swabs, the physician listened to the prince rant on about his perfectly planned marriage proposal while he took his time applying a sufficient amount of attention to the battle wounds as to reassure His Highness with his attention to detail. After all, the physician had patience and a lot of free time. Throughout his appointment to the post, the physical needs of the Princesses of Equestria had been limited to a few aspirin during tax season and a yearly exam for each one that had him wishing for a rubber stamp labelled, ‘Healthy as a Horse.’ Despite having to occasionally deal with Blueblood, the plum position of Royal Physician had always been considered sine cura, a leisurely position where a doctor could spend a few years penning their memoirs or writing a detailed treatise on some obscure ailment or disease, although with the introduction of the infant Princess Mi Amore Cadenza two decades ago, the position briefly grew to include a number of pediatric specialists in all three major pony races.
His current stint as physician in residence had run for nearly two years, starting shortly before the abrupt reappearance of Princess Luna and her interesting reaction to immunizations. Still, other than that embarrassing incident which led to the subsequent rebuilding of the Royal Physician office and quiet un-stoning of his nurse, his duties had not changed significantly, since three times nothing was just as much work as two times nothing. This was bound to change with the sudden ascension of Princess Twilight Sparkle, the only princess he had ever treated who had actually talked all the way through the examination including the gynecological portion. Which, come to think of it in hindsight, had been missing one very important test.
He would miss the position when he retired and went back to his hospital residency, but from the excited reaction of his nurse to the news she had brought, it seemed time to bring in a gynecological obstetrician and a pediatric specialist. And talkative ones too, from the number of questions Princess Sparkle would have as she worked her way through the perilous process of precocious prenuptial panic-prone princess pregnancy and proper parenthood procedures postpartum.
Still, there was something about the obnoxious prince’s posture and behavior that reminded him entirely too much of Princess Luna’s rather dramatic rejection of Blueblood’s badly-timed wedding proposal, although the physical symptoms seemed somewhat different now. After one last dab of disinfectant and a proper sized bandage, the doctor took a step back and decided to assuage his curiosity with a question.
“So other than that, My Prince, how did your proposal to Princess Twilight Sparkle go? Did she accept your ring?”
Blueblood held his hind legs together and tucked his tail tightly to his rear. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
* ♥ *
Celestia was fully aware of the common folk saying: “Rumors ride on many wings.” That was not to say pegasi were sources of gossip, but rather the means by which it spread to the farthest corners of Equestria at speeds that sometimes boggled even her ancient and extremely sharp mind. Several centuries ago on a whim, she had put the folk saying to the test by passing a particularly juicy bit of gossip to a close feathered confidant, then flying as fast as she possibly could to the other end of Equestria. The rumor beat her there by several minutes, and she still had not figured out just exactly how, or even if she wanted to know.
The Princess Twilight Sparkle Early Warning System had been implemented — with Luna’s help — to bring order to the chaos involved in an unexpected arrival of her student in the capital, or at least give the various ministers and secretaries in the bureaucracy an hour or two warning to brace themselves. It was a temporary stop-gap measure to cover for the few times that Spike did not pass along a warning of his own, but it cut down the stress on the overworked castle staff on a scale of about forty gallons of tea and a dozen packages of chocolate biscuits per visit. The Civil Service always got so worked up about such trivial things, and Celestia was more than happy to take measures to reward their loyal service.
Somehow those measures always seemed to involve tea.
The two hours worth of warning she received this morning had allowed Papercut, her Trainee Appointment Secretary, time to invite Lady Chickadee in for the informal discussion (with tea, of course) she had requested several days ago. Chickadee was a brilliant yellow and bluish-black pegasus from one of the noble pegasus houses who volunteered to escort the birds back to Canterlot every year during Winter-Wrap Up. Celestia found it quite pleasant to settle onto a cushion and talk with the middle-aged mare about her beloved tits for an hour or two, but once Chickadee had warmed to her subject, it became well-nigh impossible to get a word in edgewise between the tits. It was best to entertain her tit-loving friend only at times when she could fall back upon an ‘unexpected’ interruption to provide a needed break.
The interruption she had been expecting was unexpectedly late, and Celestia had begun to worry.
As the Princess of the Sun, Celestia did not need a clock to tell the time. Indeed, it was not unusual for either of the Royal Sisters to stop suddenly during a walk through the castle for the purpose of adjusting an incorrect timepiece, although Celestia drew the line at adjusting watches (Luna did not, much to the embarrassment of several nobles and guards). As the conversation rolled onwards, she was acutely aware that Twilight was five, no, now six minutes late for her anticipated arrival, and Celestia began seeking a small hesitation in Chickadee’s rather enthusiastic recitation about the homing instincts in mated pairs of tits, perhaps during a breath where she could politely dispatch her young appointment secretary to investigate.
Papercut had remained as a patch of dark green just on the outskirts of her vision, dealing with visitors as they came to the door and slipped him little pieces of paper to integrate into her schedule, but none of the whispers she heard belonged to her former student.
She was just on the edge of rudely interrupting Lady Chickadee’s long dissertation on the perfect aerodynamic shape of homing tits when the clatter of fast-moving hooves could be heard coming up the corridor. The doors slammed open with an explosive bang, tossing guards to either side and leaving a startled Papercut looking down the hallway with one hoof up as if he were going to stop the rapidly-moving young alicorn by force of authority alone. Celestia grabbed her appointment secretary in her magic and tossed him to safety just a split-second before Twilight Sparkle burst through the open doorway, her wings snapping open as she flung herself forward in a crushing tackle that impacted on Princess Celestia’s neck in a sobbing damp mass of despondent princess tears.
Lady Chickadee took a few moments of blinking at the scene before she stood up with a nod and a smile, sitting her teacup back down on the table which had miraculously avoided being upset during Twilight’s dive for comfort.
“Thank you, Princess Celestia. I’ll see myself out.”
* ♥ *
Papercut closed the doors and took his place outside the room just before Crosswind came panting down the hallway. The frivolous featherbrain had that look of impending panic that pegasi always got when things did not go the way they expected, and the addition of wings to Twilight Sparkle seemed to have added that unwelcome bit of pegasus psychology to the otherwise sensible unicorn physiology during the process⁽*⁾. Crosswind skidded to a halt a mere hoofs-length away from both him and the two Royal Guards in a fashion that she knew was a constant source of irritation for him, and panted out, “Twilight been here?”
(*) Papercut had very little experience with Twilight Sparkle before she became a princess, and tended to view the stories other castle servants told about her previous behavior as scurrilous gossip. He should have at least paid attention to the occasional scorch marks on the walls, or the way that the third floor of the Royal Residence did not quite line up with the fourth floor.
—
Raising one eyebrow, Papercut took a moment to run a hoof through his impeccably-groomed brown mane before giving the shortest of nods. “Her Highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle is presently in private discussion with Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia.”
A sobbing wail of pure misery filtered out from under the doors, followed by an impassioned, “I’m sorry!” that made the two door guards put on their most impassive faces, and caused Papercut to twitch his nose and take a deep breath.
“Their discussion is to be a private one. Could we travel down the corridor a short distance and resume this communication, ma’am?”
Once they had gotten out of earshot of the guards, Papercut lowered his voice. “So, Featherbrain. Is the rumor true?”
“You’re going to have to be a little more specific, Needle—” Crosswind glanced at the two unicorn guards at the end of the hallway and changed her next word “—Nose. Blueblood caught her downstairs and trapped her in one of the reception rooms for a couple of minutes, but she looked pretty upset before that. I thought you were going to keep that ponce out of her mane when she was in town?”
“Me?” hissed Papercut. “Apparently you let her get into His Royal Selfness’ bed earlier, or this disaster wouldn’t have happened.”
Crosswind blinked and waved a wing. “Wait a sec. Go back and tell me what you heard first.”
“Well…” Papercut lowered his voice even more and got very close, putting his nose almost directly against Crosswind’s wind-tossed mane despite the possibility of a tickle-induced sneeze. He never would have admitted it to anypony, but the conditioner she used was rather nice, and reminded him of spring rains for some reason. “Just a few minutes ago, I heard that Twilight Sparkle is pregnant.”
Another plaintive wail of absolute angst and depression echoed down the corridor, trailing off in a “...not on the checklist…”
“Oh!” Both of Crosswind’s fluffy eyebrows shot up, as well as her wings. “That explains the red welt on Blueblood’s neck. Pregnant mares bite when another stallion attempts to get too close. If she is displaying that symptom and she’s just noticing, that would put her at about… Hm… Two months or so, with delivery around late winter.”
“Hm.” Papercut frowned and pulled a schedule out of his chest pocket, scribbling down a few notes. “Drat. That leaves Blueblood out of the parenting picture, as he was in Manehattan chasing fashion models during the entire month of the Crystal Empire discovery. You don’t think Princess Sparkle found a special somepony there, do you?”
“Don’t get your hopes up, Horny. The only unicorn up there would have been King Sombra, and from what I heard, the sexy sextet kicked his flank into the mountains. The place is wall-to-wall with earth ponies, just like Greenie, only shiny.”
Papercut winced, and a shudder rippled down his own dark forest-green hide, quite different and a very much more appropriate color for a proper gentlecolt than the rather shaggy faded green of Lord Green Grass. He always made Papercut think of an avocado for some reason, maybe because of the squishing noise he would make if the earth pony were to be ‘accidently’ bumped out of a high window someday.
“Well, perhaps this will make the princess see reason for a change. Turning up pregnant without a fiancé displays a great lack of forethought, and I’m certain the situation will be rectified shortly with an appropriate stallion of proper breeding.”
Crosswind did not look convinced. “I dunno, Princess Twilight seems to be pretty stuck to the snarky green oaf.”
Making one final mark before tucking his notes away, Papercut shook his head. “You misunderstand. Princess Twilight is not the one in charge of this matter. The real Princess is far older and wiser than her young protege. No doubt she is talking her out of her foolish decision and presenting a list of proper candidates even as we speak.”
* ♥ *
“There, there, Twilight.” Princess Celestia repeated her compassionate words and patted her former student on the back while trying to figure out just exactly what had set her off this time. Admittedly, Celestia bore a great deal of the blame for her current stressed condition. Almost all of Twilight’s overwhelming experiences of the last year and some months could be placed squarely at her own royal hooves. After all, Starswirl had worked for years on that cursed spell, and Celestia had no idea that Twilight was going to be able to crack the secret in one single day. Then Celestia had foolishly scheduled a simple Princess Summit at the Crystal Empire with the intent of giving all six of the Elements and Spike a peaceful time to vacation while being adored for freeing the crystal ponies from King Sombra a few months earlier. Everything had been going so well that Celestia should have known that her former student was going to visit for a bit of light thievery. Papercut had even underlined the portal opening date on her schedule twice.
And the less said about her brilliant decision to rehabilitate Discord, the better.
They were all tests — in one way or another — designed to give Twilight the opportunity to grow into her full potential and then some. Now she had become the powerful and loved princess that Celestia had seen inside that shy and bookish filly. Potential of that magnitude came around so infrequently that suppressing it would be a crime against Equestria, but more than once, Celestia had feared for the worst. The feeling of tears against her chest reminded her of far too many years of her own spent away from Luna with no other princess to throw herself onto and cry like Twilight was doing now.
A lump rose in her throat at the thought of someday Twilight having to face the same tragic situation. Immortal did not mean eternal, and the constant flow of mortal lives could wear crevices into even the hardest alicorn hearts. Today it was best to simply be there for Twilight in her hour of need, for someday, Celestia might not.
A cold patch of tears and snot on her neck was beginning to dribble down her chest as Twilight continued to cry, although with smaller sobs that no longer echoed through the room and threatened to awaken Luna several stories above them in her bedroom.
“I’m p-p-p-pregnant!” sniffled Twilight, curling up in a shuddering heap against Celestia’s soggy neck and pulling one huge white wing over her head like a security blanket.
Oh, me.
Celestia’s horn lit up briefly for two quick tasks, the second of which floated a large box of tissues over for proper princess nose-blowing and tear-wiping. Applying the tissues to her student, no, to her fellow princess, was a delicate job, and she talked in soothing tones while wiping.
“Don’t worry, Twilight. I’ve called for Luna to join us so we can discuss this together. We’re both here for you.”
* ♥ *
Princess Luna stirred under the blazing rays of the sun, throwing one foreleg over her face before groping for the curtains with her magic. “Tia, turn down thy sun. It is far too bright this—”
With a sudden dazzled blink, Luna realized the curtains she was reaching for were gone, as was the curtain rod, two chairs, a potted plant, and many panes out of her beautiful window, which now fairly blazed under the unmuted power of the sun with such intensity that sections of the bedding had begun to smolder. Although Celestia often enjoyed the little stunt of pulling back her curtains in the morning just as much as Luna enjoyed the occasional filling of her sister’s room with nighttime moths, the clatter and tinkle of her bedroom furnishings on the cobblestones far below indicated this was not in line with a simple prank, and the Princess of the Moon burst out of her damaged window in a flurry of wings to rise against whatever threat had driven her sister to use such desperate measures.
After a quick trip back inside her room for a set of much-needed sunglasses.
* ♥ *
“So,” started Celestia once Luna had settled down at her side and Twilight had gotten back under control enough not to have her face buried in tissues. “How did this happen?”
“Well,” said Twilight with a sniffle as her voice firmed into lecture mode, although with that wavering vague tone that indicated her mind was heavily preoccupied with other thoughts. “When a mare and a stallion love each other very much—”
“No,” said Celestia quite firmly despite the sudden snort of suppressed laughter from her sister. “I mean, are you sure you’re — pregnant?”
Her magical aura formed around the purple saddlebags and Twilight floated out a little piece of plastic with a plus sign, which she placed in front of Celestia like a confession of ultimate guilt and betrayal.
“It is but one test, Twilight Sparkle,” said Luna, managing with great effort to look serious as she examined the little scrap of plastic. “As I understand, there can be what are called ‘False Positives’ that can skew—”
Luna cut off as Twilight dumped the rest of her saddlebags on the floor, and dozens of little pieces of plastic spilled out in front of them, all with the same little plus sign. “Oh. We see.”
“Ah,” said Celestia.
Then, “Yes.”
And after a while, “Um…”
Gathering her courage, she continued, “Do you know when you—” Celestia paused, trying to come up with a word that implied a mutual meeting of love and passion that led to conception, but the only words that she could think of at the moment started with ‘F.’
“When was the act of procreation that planted the blessed seeds of life in thy womb, Twilight Sparkle?” said Luna in a commanding-yet-soft tone that failed to hide a tiny thread of fascination. Her sister always did have a weakness for newborn creatures, in particular the kinds that could be played with and then given back when they became hungry/wet/dirty/cranky.
“Well,” started Twilight with a thoughtful frown, coming ever so slightly out of her preoccupied state with the need to make a verbal report, “I don’t have my notes, but it could have been when we first walked into the observatory. I got a little… carried away, probably because I hadn’t seen him in so long. Or it could have been right after that, because it had been a long time. Then there was on top of the telescope, and after we had dinner, and after the first bottle of wine. Then there was midnight when the stars were shining down and filled the entire observatory with a glow that mixed with the aurora from the Crystal Empire. It was so beautiful we couldn’t help ourselves. And last there was the sunrise with just the two of us still curled up on the blanket. I hope it was that time. That was the most special, between the darkness and the day.”
“No, Twilight,” said Celestia, fighting to keep a hoof off her forehead. “What day?”
Still lost in her memory, Twilight’s voice drifted with a musical lilt. “Oh, they were all the same day. Or night. Does it count if they’re over the whole night, or does that count as two days?”
“Ah,” said Luna with an indulgent smile. “The night after you returned from defeating King Sombra. I was feeling unusually inspired that evening.” She paused, counting. “Seven?”
“It would have been eight, but everypony was waking up and we didn’t want to take the chance of somepony walking in on us.” Twilight giggled a little before snuggling deeper into Celestia’s warm neck, taking several deep breaths as if she were going to store the air inside for later.
A small tremble traveled through Equestria’s newest princess, followed by a sharp inhalation as she closed both eyes. After a count of three and a wipe of one tissue, Twilight opened her eyes again and looked between the Royal Sisters with her usual alertness. “Now what?”
“The decision is thine,” said Luna with a nod. “We shall assist thee in thy time of need to any extent, but if I may suggest one thing, it is that you inform your paramour of your condition post haste.”
“Ahh, Luna?” said Celestia, unable to stop her sister as Twilight stiffened by her side and began to tremble.
“Certes he shall rush to be at thy side in this moment of discovery, eager to wed thee before thy blessing becomes obvious to the world.”
“Luna, can we talk a moment?” asked Celestia, waving a hoof at her sister.
“Thy wedding shall be a marvelous thing, conducted under my beautiful stars and attended by every important pony in Equestria, and all other races from beyond. Yea, they shall flock to be at thy side and share thy blessed night of joy in a riot of feasting and song that most certainly shall cause another wave of blessed events in another eleven mo—”
“LUNA!”
The Princess of the Night broke off from her reverie to glare at her sister. “Nay, dear sister. Thou hast conducted the last Royal Wedding, and tis my turn now. Besides, I can do a much better job than thou didst.”
Princess Celestia did not have to say a word. She just gave a short nod in the direction of the paralyzed pregnant princess tucked under her chin, who seemed to be silently mouthing words like ‘Mom’ and ‘Wedding’ under her breath.
“Oh.” A quick glance between sisters passed more information than an entire stack of encyclopedias, causing Luna to stand up and put a wing over Twilight, escorting her out of the room in small, steady steps and talking all the while. “Come, Twilight Sparkle. Let us be off to our upstairs common room where we shall sit and dine amidst a mountain of delicious comestibles. I would tend to believe thou forgot to eat breakfast this morn, and a few snacks from our sister’s ample stores of chocolate should improve your mood to great measure. My sister shall take care of the trivialities of the Day and be with us in short order, so that we may meet your troubles together.”
Celestia stood and watched them go before gesturing to the two ponies who peeked into the reception room as if they expected to see bloodshed and destruction, instead of the Princess of the Sun with a caked smear of snot down one side of her neck and a quill firmly in her magic as she wrote.
“Crosswind, I have a few notes that I shall need you to deliver with great haste.” A thin trail of smoke began to drift upwards from the quill, moving in a near blur as a number of written notes quickly assembled at her side. “Please use the utmost discretion, for the subject is of a sensitive nature. Now go.” Crosswind was just opening her mouth to ask a question when the entire stack of smoldering notes was shoved in her face. The mouthful of paper knocked her back through the open doors which promptly closed the moment her tail was clear, leaving only Papercut in the room with Celestia.
* ♥ *
The sight of his princess all rumpled from physical contact and mopping her soggy neck with a clump of tissues did not faze Papercut, for it was the duty of a proper servant to rise above such trivialities. Drawing out her schedule and holding it in front of him in preparation for the changes that would certainly be forthcoming, he bent into a short bow and said, “My Princess?”
Celestia paused momentarily in the cleaning of her soggy neck as if she had been unaware of her appointment secretary’s location, magiking the last few wet tissues over to a trash can while seeming lost in her own thoughts. “Wonderful news, Papercut. We have another Royal Wedding to plan.”
“Delightful news, Princess. Does this mean you have decided to accept the Saddle Arabian ambassador’s open invitation to become his third wife?”
It always gave him a little bubble of pleasure to see that royal tranquility twitch when Celestia was faced by an unexpected response, provided the response was not too unexpected. Her twitch was almost invisible as she responded in the most pleasant tone imaginable, “Twilight.”
“Wonderful.” Papercut fairly beamed as he flipped through the schedule. “I presume one of the unicorn royal families has finally convinced you to permit one of their fine stallions to woo and wed the fair Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
“No.” Her aura of tranquility shifted slightly as Celestia took a deep breath. “Lord Green Grass.”
Papercut looked up from the schedule with a raised eyebrow. “The earth pony?”
“No, the alicorn prince without a horn or wings.” The Princess of the Sun breathed out a sigh of frustration. “Yes, he’s an earth pony.”
“Oh.” One page flipped up on the schedule as Papercut consulted his notes. “From the unicorn House Minor Chrysanthemum, I see. Are you certain one of the other unicorn royal families would not care to send one of their more respectable eligible bachelor stallions for the wedding instead? Perhaps the Pansies, or even the Butterbells could—”
“No.”
Undaunted at the blunt response, Papercut flipped a page. “There’s always the royalty among the pegasus clans. Stormfront has an extremely handsome son who seems quite—”
“No.” An idea seemed to spring to mind as she frowned slightly and looked upwards. “Perhaps it is a bit premature to plan all of their wedding for them. Although it would be perfect if she could have it at the Summer Sun Festival,” she added as her thoughtful frown grew. She shook her head after a moment and that perfect aura of tranquility returned. “It shall be Princess Twilight’s decision, but we should be prepared. Under the circumstances, I don’t believe she will wait more than two months. Block off a week on my schedule around the summer solstice, please.”
“Excellent idea, Your Highness. Shall I prepare letters to the respective royal families requesting a number of applicants for the position of…” Papercut trailed off as he noticed the look he was getting from the Princess of the Sun. It had gotten distinctly warm in the reception room, and from the glimpse he had of Celestia’s expression before that mask of tranquility dropped back over her face, he had a very good idea why. He swallowed through a suddenly dry throat and made an issue of leafing through the schedule again. “It seems quite short notice. Since Princess Cadence and Prince-Consort Shining Armor were married at the fall equinox, perhaps a winter wedding at the solstice would be more appropriate for Princess Twilight and… him?”
“No.” There was an inevitability to that word, as if it had been chiseled out of Canterlot granite, polished to a scintillating gleam, and dropped from several stories up in front of Papercut. Still, after saying it, Princess Celestia did take a contemplative breath and continue in a much calmer voice.
“Although a winter wedding would be divine, I’m afraid we don’t want the bride going into labor during the ceremony.”
Papercut stood for a brief period, attempting to gainsay an insight into the princess’ thoughts by examining her expression, an activity that generations of failed diplomats could have told him was an exercise in futility. Finally he hazarded a cautious, “I understand that to be a quaint tradition among earth pon—”
“No. Two months. No more.” Celestia paused again with the most peculiar twitch at the corner of her mouth. “And you shall not speak of her gravid nature.”
Somehow Papercut managed to make the dead silence that surrounded them into the Guilt of Unconfessed Sins instead of the respectful silence of Keeping His Big Mouth Shut that he intended. Celestia did not even have to look at him for Papercut to realize his error, and he cringed inside as the princess sighed again before speaking.
“Who else knows?”
“Well, I heard an unsubstantiated rumor from the Third Underbutler when he flew up the seating arrangements for a diplomatic dinner, and he heard it from an aide to Minister Downbottom’s office, who I believe overheard a—”
“Am I always the last to find out things in this castle?” huffed Celestia with a frown.
“Oh, no,” said Papercut. “I don’t believe the Night Guard has heard the news yet. Would you care to go speak with them?”
For a brief but somehow infinite period of time, Papercut thought the Princess had been turned to stone. She did not breathe, or blink, and even the slow cascade of colors down her ethereal mane had flowed to a halt. Finally she breathed in, and Papercut released a breath he did not realize he was holding.
That perpetual mask of tranquility slipped over the royal personage in a blink as Celestia turned to her appointment secretary and asked, “Papercut, do you believe the rest of the Canterlot nobility will be as resistant as yourself to the concept of Lord Green Grass becoming Prince Consort Green Grass?”
“Ah…” For a moment, he wanted nothing more than to stuff as many weasely ‘There exists a possibility’ and ‘Not that I would presume to know the thoughts of the peerage’ phrases into his answer as could possibly fit, but the moment quickly passed with the suspicion that the question would simply be asked again, only instead of the quiet smile the Princess was wearing now, there might be another, less pleasant expression he would have to face.
“Yes, Ma’am. In particular you might wish to speak with your nephew, Prince Blueblood, because last week he removed his ancestral engagement ring from the Department of Royal Regalia⁽¹⁾ vaults again.” As a chilling sense of enlightenment crept over him like cold tar, Papercut continued in a somewhat slower voice, “In particular, that might be the reason, or at least one of the reasons your student is so upset right now.”
“So you disapprove of the idea of my nephew wedding Princess Twilight Sparkle?”
“Ah…” Not a single muscle changed in Celestia’s tranquil expression as Papercut tried to phrase ‘Your nephew is a blithering ponce, but he’s slightly better than an earth pony’ in more diplomatic language, but apparently Celestia was able to read the answer right off his forehead as she continued.
“Do you know what your ranking was among the forty-five finalists who applied to be my appointment secretary once Kibitz announced his upcoming retirement?”
“First, I would think,” said Papercut without thinking, although once the words were out, he felt an unreasonable urge to pull them back and consider possible replacements.
“Forty-fifth,” replied Celestia. “Although the selection criteria was very tight at that point, and the difference between first and last was only a few points. Do you know why I selected you as my personal appointment secretary, Mister Papercut?”
“Ah… You appreciated my ability to cut through red tape? My personality? On advice from one of the other servants? Chance?” Papercut’s nervous babble slowed to a halt as Celestia wrote out another note. His eye was drawn to her quill, progressing across the page with swoops and flourishes, and the occasional “hmmm” before she folded the paper up and sealed it with a security spell. Almost positive that he had just seen his letter of resignation written, he was jolted out of his depression when Princess Celestia turned to him with a soft, loving smile.
“I have some small experience in recognizing untapped potential, young colt,” said Celestia while floating the note over to Papercut and tucking it into his pocket like one would with a child. “Princess Twilight Sparkle is only one example. Great potential such as hers can’t be taught, but it can be brought to the surface by adversity. Whether it’s a general who discovers their ability in the middle of a battle, or a bitless entrepreneur who finds himself with extra mouths to feed, sometimes it just takes that extra bit of bad to bring out all the good in them.
Celestia’s magic roamed over Papercut’s rumpled suit and tie, adjusting and tightening where his impromptu flight across the room had disturbed his normally well-groomed exterior. With one final stroke through his glossy brown mane, she looked him over and gave a slight nod much like his mother used to do right before sending him to Magic Kindergarten. The only thing missing was a glob of mom-spit to stick down the errant piece of mane that always stuck up on the top of his head and that he could feel ever so slowly beginning to pop up even now.
“Other times, all it takes is a little education, some exposure to experiences the individual may not normally have reason to become familiar with, or even a task that might prove more of a learning experience than expected. Please pass that note on to Lord Green Grass when he arrives, and take care that the instructions are carried out exactly, would you Papercut?”
Papercut straightened up and nodded sharply, patting the letter once as if to ensure it had not evaporated out of his pocket while he was not looking. “Yes, of course, Your Highness. Just…” He checked the schedule and looked back up. “He’s not supposed to get back to the Ponyville train station for two days.”
Celestia opened the door and trotted out, calling back over her shoulder, “I would imagine you will be able to run into him this afternoon outside the Orange Puzzle Room upstairs. There will be a number of visitors arriving there shortly, so if you would be so kind as to escort them in as they arrive while we are waiting for him.”
The silence inside the reception room was a much calmer silence once the Princess had departed, and Papercut took a moment to float the letter out of his pocket and look at it briefly before tucking it away and proceeding on his appointed task. On some level, even after a year of training under Celestia’s tutelage, he should not have been surprised at how easily the Princess of the Sun had turned his good intentions inside-out. However, not everything under her sun turned to Celestia’s will, and perhaps there was still a string or two he could pull in the months left before Princess Twilight Sparkle were to be fully committed to her poor decision.
Even if those strings were connected to Blueblood.
(1) The Department of Royal Regalia (DRR) is a branch office of the Royal Mint, which in turn is a branch of the Royal⁽²⁾ Treasury used to securely store unused crowns, tiaras, scepters, and from earth pony Royals, family potato mashers. For centuries, it has become a quiet place in the bureaucracy to stick some of the more difficult employees as to get them out of the way where they could not do any damage, although there have been some recent difficulties.
When Princess Mi Amore Cadenza was discovered, the office suffered a half-dozen heart attacks and strokes among the aged staff before it was announced that the new princess had brought her own crown. When Princess Luna returned, Princess Celestia made a special point to send the DRR immediate notification that Luna also had retained her old crown and did not need a replacement, potentially saving several lives. Princess Twilight’s ascension caused the DRR to classify the Element of Magic as a tiara, also saving the department from engaging in the job for which they had been created, although for her coronation, it took a personal visit by Princess Celestia to pry loose three ‘official’ crowns for the officiating alicorns, and even then it was rumored that she had just grabbed the first three in the vault and left.
The department had recently stated that in the event that Princess Twilight’s foal was an alicorn, that she would most likely emerge with her own regalia, no matter how unlikely the theory was considered by the rest of Equestria.
—
(2) Despite the fact that the entire Equestrian government is in effect Princess Celestia and Princess Luna’s household staff, greatly expanded, the position of the Office of Princess and the actual alicorns who hold the position are completely different legal entities. In general, while the Office of Princess can order a million bits to be expended on a public works project, Princess Celestia could not simply walk into the mint and help herself. This dichotomy has caused relatively minor issues recently, but none so severe as what the return of Princess Luna did to the Office of Correspondence. Every single form, letterhead, memo and directive in use by the Monarchy had to be revised to the new Diarchy, and ‘es’ added to ‘Princess’ in countless signs across the castle. To their credit⁽³⁾, the task was complete within one week at significant overtime expense (and enough tea to fill the Celestial Bathing Chambers twice over), although one frazzled Civil Service employee did corner Princess Luna and make her swear she was going to stay in office until after his retirement.
—
(3) Some small portion of the credit should also be given to the Office of Unexplained Contingency Planning, whose occupants were formerly criticized for churning out detailed White Papers with unlikely titles such as In The Event of Solar Luminosity Failure or Large-Scale Reintegration of Citizens Into Equestria After Centuries of Chronological Suspension. Still, the plan had assumed Princess Cadence would be elevated to the Office of Princess, and the resulting minor glitches still crop up at times, causing the two princesses to meet monthly for coffee and to swap misdelivered mail.
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Papercut is about to be educated.
No one's going to want that ring after that, Blueblood.
Loving this story. Thank you for sharing it.
5701163 - Indeed... one does not involve themselves in the amores of Alicorns for they are fickle and easy to anger and so insanely powerful that they could reduce you to sub-atomic particles and probably not notice.
Hey, look, a nice noble!
Is Fluttershy related to a noble house? Perhaps the one that just appeared?
Oh yeah... SO QUICK!
Ah... one chapter every
2days?Rumors fly on wings of Surprises.
Office of Unexplained Contingency Planning... I was going to say something... like... Twilight should know about them... but I'm sure that wasn't it?
Huh, I would have thought Lady Chickadee would be prouder of her boobies than her tits.
I get the feeling that a LOT of ponies are about to be... 'educated'. Hmm, I can see the education now.
'How about this strapping Lord Borezoni of th-'
"I see nopony there. Just a bush."
'Uhhh... There is Prince Strapping all th-'
"Curious, I see another cactus."
'The most handsome Lord-'
"This will help brighten up the castle gardens! My, where ever did you find so many varied and useful plants?"
'Princess! Please recon-'
"Oh look. A pinecone. I think I need a new secretary. My own seems to have...vanished."
Earth Ponies really seem to be looked down upon by almost all of the staff don't they?
Although they do seem to have certain advantages over the other tribes.
5700199 Ding ding ding! That's one thing she indeed do to Bloodblood! Have a moustache for your correct guess!
5701348 *beats head against desk*
Another hilarious and slightly frustrating chapter (in terms of politics, not writing). Can't wait to see more. Much more.
ALL THE WORDS!
I knew it was coming and still I laughed.
5701348 Ah, bird based double entendres... have a thumbs up!
5701243
Indeed.
, for apparently Twilight shoved Blueblood's massive ring right where Princess Celestia's Sun and Princess Luna's Moon don't shine... in other words right up his darkgovernment.com/news/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/laughing-donkey.jpg ! [Edit: The image is very SFW, btw.]
5701375 Yeah, looks like all that jogging Twilight got Greenie doing really boosted his stamina. So to that, all I gotta say is:
Papercut needs to stop pushing his luck or he's gonna be out of a job. I love the bitey pregnant princess, lol.
I would also love to see a visual representation of poor Luna and her room as she is summoned by Celestia. Hehehe.
Well, Celestia's teeth are often laced with theobromine after she's been in the chocolate reserve, but I don't think that's what Blueblood meant...
It is a well-established fact that tea is the lubricant that keeps the gears of Equestria turning.
Well, that raises questions about Rainbow Dash. Or Twilight's perception of her.
And Paperclip, you poor, poor fool. Unless this is part of the plan. Still, if I was told my boss hired me after I was ranked dead last, I'd do exactly what she told me to. Especially if that boss was personally responsible for the local naturally occurring fusion reactor.
Oh, and the Office of Unexplained Contingency Planning is a thing of beauty. I love quirky yet functional subdepartments of the Equestrian government, and that is an exquisite one.
5701348
Or her hooters.
There's only one way we should deal with the Canterlot nobility at this moment. And that would to release.... THEM
Cutie Mark Crusaders, Racism Erasers! YAAAAAAAY!
5701469
5701640
Perhaps her husband's 'pecker, too.
One thing that gets me though is how in some stories is how unicorns (most of the time) and pegasus (rare but still there) are rather bigoted against Earth ponies. Really? The ones that can grow food and a probably, due to working with their hooves, engineers are the ones you look down on? Now, I know this story has a comical side to it but still, is it just the Canterlot mindset to spit on others or do people place a superiority complex on unicorns?
Silly Papercut, of course not - they soon you might wish it did. Luna, for instance, has been known to be quite willful and difficult to manage. And seems quite giddy about the prospect of hosting this wedding and playing its patron. And might (in the same way Twilight might ace a magic test) react rather ... spiritedly ... upon any intrusions on her plans.
Dang, you go, Twilight! I guess she is, ahem, enjoying that earth pony stamina for all its worth
I'm surprised Twilight didn't actually run to Cadence first and foremost - she has the most familiarity (and thus likely feels the most comfortable) with her after all, and whom better to consult in such matters than the alicorn of love.
5701674
I don wonder if in the next chapter we're get the earth pony opinion of the other tribes and find it to be just as bad? To go round the whole group.
5701767
I guess the issue is that Cadence is all the way up in the Crystal Empire, I think she be more likely to talk to her actual mother rather than her mother substitute instead.
Office of Unexplained Contingency Planning. Huh. So I guess we know where Pinkie Pie is actually getting all her bits.
5701375 well, no, so far we only have two racists. And Blueblood.
5701163
A typical day in the Office of Unexplained Contingency Planning…
sluggy.com/images/comics/020408a.gif
sluggy.com/images/comics/020417a.gif
5701648
I approve of this idea.
Anyone else want to ...do something highly unpleasant... to Papercut?
I'm really not sure, Georg. You write well, and on the whole I find your stories enjoyable, but the way every third chapter or so makes me cringe puts a little damper on things.
...it's likely my fault. Finding a romcom that balances saccharine sweetness and head-pounding misunderstanding against just the right amount of ridiculous humor is tricky, since this genre isn't exactly my speed. You do pretty well.
I'll track this for now.
I'm not sure what's more distressing: Papercut's well-meaning yet exceptionally dimwitted intentions, or the fact that such behavior is based on actual events.
Which is to say, that kind of thinking and behavior was at one point, and perhaps still is, not only common among the upper echelons of society, but was expected, and perhaps is why it seems so backwards, rude, and really, uncivilized by us plebeians who would be very much inclined to explain why we don't want that kind of lead in our lives by threatening to lead with our lefts.
Well, except for me, obviously. I lead with my right.
5702020
I'm actually not so sure about that - from what we have seen, Twilight doesn't seem to be particularly close to her family. Not saying she's on bad terms with them or anything, but I don't get the impression they would be on the top of her list when she's seeking emotional comfort.
Cadence probably tops that list, followed by Celestia (the Princess' opinion means the world to her) - so yeah, if we assume Cadence was out of immediate reach, I can see Twilight's next urge be to dash to Celestia for approval/comfort, rather than her parents who typically don't really seem to factor in her everyday life.
Something tells me that we're on the verge of Celestia finally losing her temper and having a clear-out of the racists in Canterlot.
Papercut has made one important point plain to Celestia. Canterlot Castle, because of its role in government, is doubtless an impenetrable web of rumour, innuendo and gossip. It must be virtually impossible to keep a secret in that place unless it is placed under the strongest geass and also the gentlest, most loving smile Tia can manage of Luna's most emotionless scowl is used to communicate the need for secrecy.
Yeah, this one is going to be full of politics. If the strain doesn't make poor Twi miscarry, I'll be genuinely surprised.
5704183
Hm, I dunno - I mean, the mutterings about her and Green Grass have been there all the time and Twilight doesn't seem to give them much thought. And by spending most of her time in Ponville she doesn't even have to pay them attention - out of sight, out of mind as they say.
Besides, Celestia seems pretty firm on the issue and about to take some action ... and I have a feeling she is already one step ahead of the game Papercut is trying to play - after all, she never did tell him why she selected him as her secretary. Oh, she did ramble on about how she likes to nurture talent and all that, but she never said that's the reason she selected him to be her aide, though the conversation did, no doubt intentionally, make him feel like that was the case.
No - I have a feeling Celestia selected him because he is predictable. And as was shown, Celestia had no problems reading him like an open book. She probably expected him to do his own thing, and I imagine that the message is crafted with that in mind, in order to get everyone moving in a direction she desires (aka running in circles).
Ahh, so biting. Makes sense, and Blueblood probably deserved it on general principle.
*snerk*
I feel like this sentence deserves a medal.
Bwhahahahaha!
I don't know much about this Chickadee pony, but I really like her.
Oh goddesses, the checklist!
The "sexy sextet"? That sounds like a phrase that could get middle management bureaucrats into a lot of trouble.
Hah!
Wow, those are some very open curtains. And windows.
Oh my! /takai
Seven? Daaamn.
It would seem Papercut is planning on trying really hard at proving Celestia wrong about that whole "untapped potential" business. Also, the members of the Office of Unexplained Contingency Planning apparently do some fine work.
The Further Education of Misthinking Tribalist Ponies!
'Princess Cadance, would you perchance have a most suitable suitor in mind for the upcoming marriage of Princess Twilight?'
"Why of course! Lord Greengrass!"
'You must be mistaken, he is an earthp-' *pop!*
"Oh dear, another failure. Time to dispose of the disappointments. Oh Shiny! Get Chryssy on the phone! We have more leftovers for her!"
5701640
There is no superscript tag, Georg was using Unicode’s superscript characters.
Well that ring is worthless now. And if that's all she shoved up there he's lucky. I'd have turned something into a large cactus like this one:
cl.jroo.me/z3/b/b/K/e/a.baa-giant-cactus-lol.jpg
Given that Twilight is all about friendship... I'd love to see her reaction to ponies insulting her best friends' tribes like they are in their heads. I think some ponies would get a LECTURE.
5701648 GENIUS!!!! And I'm fairly sure Discord would help just for giggles.
5702016 The Earth Pony opinion is this: they've got their heads buried in their plots.
5702630 Typically when I get a papercut I poor rubbing alchohol on it
5717418 If I had the chance to go to Equestria, Blue Blood would find this in his face vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/uncharted/images/3/30/MP40.gif/revision/latest?cb=20091003210244
Loaded with a drum magazine. For maximum bullets in him.
Or perhaps one of these olive-drab.com/images/firearms_mg_m2_04.jpg
I wouldn't know which to choose... My favorite submachine gun or the Browning 50 caliber machine gun for maximum destruction...
I love a chap willing to write a story containing the word Blithering, it's my favourite word, but criminally underused.
I am guessing that the Royal Staff has no clue how much that the Sisters value Twilight's happiness, and also Green Grass as a pony. I'm surprised that Papercut didn't end up a sunburned smear against the wall lol
Since Tutor Tuesday is coming up, I thought I should answer questions:
5719031 Think of it as an educational experience.
5717627 Just remember, Celestia loves Blueblood an immense amount or he wouldn't still be in Canterlot. After all, theres a vacancy at the Lunar Hotel.
5717453 The ring still has value. It's the owner who's worthless...
5716694 I'm a lazy⁽¹⁾ bastard too.
(1) If you go to my Home Page, you will see a line of Unicode superscript characters that looks like this: ⁽⁰⁾ ⁽¹⁾ ⁽²⁾ ⁽³⁾ ⁽⁴⁾ ⁽⁵⁾... I copy/paste from there, because it is so much easier than the long BBS code it takes to make a reasonable superscript. I keep a couple of my frequently misspelled words there too.
5705040 One of my editors came up with most of that line, and I can't remember which one. I'll credit 'em all, because they're great people.
5704271 Just *one* step ahead of the game Papercut is playing?
5704183 One must realize the ability of Celestia to use her chess pieces to their best advantage. Twilight is stressed and the Canterlot Royals are going to have a tizzy over an earth pony suitor, so what better way to de-tizzy them but to force them to deal with only him for the next six weeks while Twilight rests and comes to grip with her future motherhood in the company of her friends in Ponyville?
5703935 Well, who she goes to depends on the problem. You're going to see *both* of them tag-team Twilight.
5703808 I must admit, the British Royals make it darned difficult to write something so outlandish that it's obviously fiction, but that they have not done already.
5702790 I love cringes. And cliffhangers. And innuendo.
5702630 Well, he's already Celestia's appointment secretary trainee. To really drive home the point, you have to assign him to somepony that he would truely hate to work for. Now who could that be?
5702108 They're not really racists, per se. There are strong cultural boundries related to the pony tribe individuals belong to. There are few farmer pegasi, magic-studying earth ponies, or flying unicorns. GG just happens to be one of these odd ducks. And Celestia runs the whole flock.
5701767 Cadence at this point is in the Crystal Empire, quite a few hours away by train and in the direction of a rather unsubtle big brother, who might react... badly to the news. Remember, she planned on keeping this a secret, and the plan might have worked, if not for Blueblood.
5701640 See (1) above.
5701537 Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all month, on Tuesday/Wed/Thursdays.
5701665 Sigh. I just write like this to attract chicks.
5701277 Or worse. They may decide you're amusing, and keep you.
5701323 More like 3 chapters a week. One must also consider that the Office of Unexplained Contingency Planning is, by nature, Unexplained.
5719731
Ah, of course, I get it. They don't like the other races because they can't relate to them, don't actually bother to try, and think of the others as inferior as a result.
So they're racists.
5719731
Big Brother gets turned in to a potted plant and put in the corner, out of the way, so he doesn't intrude on the Girl Talk
Well, she does have a rather lengthy stride compared to normal ponies
5719731
I love the way your mind works
5719731 Yeah, Celestia does love him. That or she's just in the dark and doesn't know. I would expect if she knew she would have had a nice little talk with him about how to properly conduct himself, especially towards mares.
His professional opinion: she didn't bite him quite hard enough?
Oh boy. The rumour mill is already working
Having fun yet, Georg?
Stuff it where the sun don't shine!
They're all very lucky she can't teleport herself that far, and prefers taking the train.
Looks like Twi went back to her abandoned Plan A.
I'm... not sure he knows Celestia all that well
Really, Celestia? Really?
Pfff. What an asshole
Remarks and corrections:
> fiance
Should be "fiancé" :p
5717627
ma duce forever!
5702108
Blueblood isn't a raciest he hates everypony without worrying about race. Except for that lovely Stallion in the mirror.
5701348
That's Lady Bluefoot.
5701396 And if you carefully read Celestia's words to Papercut, you can see just exactly why she did what she did to Blueblood in the final chapter.
“Other times, all it takes is a little education, some exposure to experiences the individual may not normally have reason to become familiar with, or even a task that might prove more of a learning experience than expected."
do Office of Unexplained Contingency Planning has plans for everything: even for the new babies alicorns
To Papercut
Dude, I would point out that Twilight's response to the return of Nightmare Moon was to
Grab 5 near strangers
Head into the most horror infested woods in Equestria in the middle of the nigh
Hope lost magic artifacts are still where they were 1000 years ago
Pray that they still work
Try to figure out HOW they work and
Guess where the last one is so you can complete the set & try to use them
Don't bother to gather supplies or try to find a guide. Why ever would you need these things?
Does this sound like the reasoned actions of a sane person? I'd say you would have to be an idiot to expect Twilight to be reasonable but I don't think most idiots are that stupid.