Chapter 2 - Popping the Question
The Traveling Tutor and the Royal Exam
Popping the Question
The Canterlot train station seemed empty despite the crowds of ponies pushing and shoving to get on and off trains as Crosswind sat patiently at the edge of the station and waited on Princess Twilight Sparkle to emerge from the train. She was on the train, of all things. Instead of using her wings to fly to Canterlot, Princess Twilight Sparkle was riding the train. She could have sent a note to Canterlot by dragonfire and a Royal Guard chariot would have been in Ponyville within the hour to fly her away to wherever she wanted to go, but no. Princess Twilight Sparkle had to ride the train. How could she stand to crawl across the ground on such a beautiful day when she could be zooming through the clouds on a perfectly good set of wings? But no. She had to ride the train.
At least the Princess Twilight Sparkle Early Warning System had performed perfectly, as always. Upon watching her board the train in Ponyville and recording the event in his log, the stationmaster had raised a purple flag on top of the train station. Less than five minutes later, the Watch Guard in Canterlot had spotted the flag through his telescope and passed the news on. Five minutes after that, the Appointment Secretary to Her Royal Highness, Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, Bearer of the Element of Magic, et al, had been flagged down from a particularly fun flight to put on her work saddlebags and wait at the train station.
She really could not complain. The Royal Guard had paid Crosswind’s way through medical school and her career track to becoming a Wonderbolt Medical Officer (probationary) was well underway before the Student of the Sun abruptly sprouted wings one day and the sudden need for a trained pegasus had become apparent. The Royal Guard — pushed by a very unsubtle big brother — had argued for one of their combat veterans in full armor and weapons to be at her side to defend her every moment of the day, which would have tied up at least a dozen guards in rotation due to leave requirements and such.
Not to be outdone, the various royalty in the upper house of Parliament had ‘suggested’ that one of their number — either a unicorn or a pegasus depending on which number was talking — be assigned to her side on a rather permanent fashion that had little to do with romance but much to do with marriage, children, and inheritances. Oh, and a certain amount of family access to the Royal Treasury.
And Princess Celestia, in her own special way, had simply sent a single note to Cloudsdale requesting Spitfire to inquire about Crosswind’s availability to come to Canterlot for a ‘special opportunity.’ Well, a note from Celestia carried about the same weight as either one of the heavenly bodies the Royal Sisters tossed around on a daily basis, so less than a day later, Crosswind found herself in front of two someponies she had never expected to see up close, saying words like ‘Yes, Your Highness’ and ‘Of course, Your Highness’ as they described Twilight Sparkle and her special situation. It seemed perfectly rational at the time she agreed to the job, but afterwards, Crosswind had some serious reservations.
First of all, Princess Twilight could barely fly, although that particular deficiency was being remedied by one of the hottest fliers Crosswind had ever had the pleasure of wrapping a sprain for. Secondly, Crosswind had spent her entire life in Cloudsdale, and Canterlot was just so… pointy. She had seen unicorns before, but being surrounded by so many floating objects that were not flying on their own was more than a little distracting. And thirdly was… him.
A proper princess should attract a proper prince, in particular one of the nobility of the warrior pegasus clans who could trace their lineage back to Commander Hurricane. If that was not to Princess Twilight Sparkle’s taste, the least she could have done was troll through the vast collection of pointy-headed unicorn nobility who theoretically were required to track their lineage back to Princess Platinum. Either would be a proud stallion of noble pedigree and bearing who would carry themselves in the high circles of culture, both throwing and attending parties as well as all the other things that the nobility did.
A princess should not attract a mere school teacher who had a scroungy green coat the color of a neighties couch, as well as the ugliest hat that had ever brought dishonor to the concept of formal headwear. It was the weathered hat which had almost convinced Crosswind that he was a unicorn who was suffering from premature baldness or hiding his horn for some reason. That theory held until the earth pony had hung up his hat in a restaurant, at which point she had gone outside for a quick calming flight with the excuse of giving the mismatched couple some privacy.
It was a great relief to see Princess Twilight trot out of her train car this morning without her shabby green companion, although she carried a set of stuffed saddlebags with a look of perpetual worry that was becoming familiar. Crosswind had learned that a combination of these two signs was an indication that things were about to go weird in a hurry, and it was best to help her along or the weirdness would rub off on anypony nearby, frequently in a way that involved explosions.
“Good morning, Princess Twilight,” said Crosswind with a practiced smile, landing beside her fast-moving charge on the train station platform. “Are you planning some shopping in Canterlot today, or just picking up a book order?” Crosswind pulled out Twilight’s schedule and made a show of studying it, even though she already knew there were no previous appointments in town for Equestria’s newest princess.
“No, I just need to get to Princess Celestia right away.”
“Great! Fly with me to the castle then.” Crosswind tucked away her clipboard and took to the air, pausing in hidden disgust as Twilight continued to trot at a fairly good clip in the direction of the castle. With a flick of her wings, Crosswind landed beside the still ground-bound Princess of Friendship and began trotting alongside with little suggestive glances up into the air that were supposed to remind her charge about her own wings and their ability to actually make “right away” a much shorter time. The gestures did little good other than to encourage the young alicorn to break into a fast canter, at which Crosswind winced in anticipation of just how sore her hooves were going to be at the end of the day.
~ ~ ♥ ~ ~
The path Twilight took between the train station and the castle was a familiar comfort to her hooves, which galloped along the cobbled streets with very little input needed from her overloaded mind. Everything in the entire universe seemed to be crowded into her head at the moment and all of it yammered endlessly for her full attention. It took a calm and reasoned mind to teleport with any accuracy, and with everything stuffed into her synapses this morning, she did not even dare to make the attempt for fear of winding up back in the safe and quiet library, under her sheets, and next to her now-depleted stash of emergency chocolate.
It normally was such a pleasure to greet Crosswind at the train station and chat as they trotted along to one of Twilight’s regular appointments in the castle, but today she could only hear the derisive laughter of the Royals and the disappointed sigh of Princess Celestia as they heard the news. Engagement came before the announcement of a pregnancy, or the foal would not be considered a legitimate product of the marriage. According to her mother, the question of Shining Armor’s legitimacy had been only by a matter of minutes. It seems that when Twilight Velvet had showed up with Uncle Shining Sword carrying the family sword behind her, Night Light had whipped out the engagement ring and proposed before she could even get a single word out. Twilight’s uncle had been terribly disappointed, as he had been practicing his threatening speech all day. Maybe if she asked her uncle nicely, he would drop by Green Grass’ home and give the reluctant stallion a little nudge. Without the sword, that is. But no, that would just be forcing his hoof, and they had agreed not to push each other any farther in their relationship than each was mutually willing to go. Of course, that was before seven.
She picked up the pace a little with a flick of her tail, trying to distract her mind from that evening and most of that night, as well as part of the morning. There were an uncomfortable number of books on… procreation in the Ponyville library, and as a unicorn, Twilight had heard a lot about the… habits of earth ponies being nearly, but not quite as… active as pegasi. Some of that theoretical information had been bolstered by indirect experience long ago when she was Princess Celestia’s student, as there had been one or two rare occasions out stargazing in the middle of the night when an occupied cloud would drift in front of their observations of a particularly interesting heavenly body. While Pegasi were noted for their romantic interludes in the clouds, Nocturne pegasi lived up to their reputation and then some, being both more energetic in such nighttime activities and fairly comfortable in the inability of the ponies of the day to be able to see just exactly what was going on up in the night sky. Whatever Princess Celestia had been lecturing to her student about that evening in the Royal Observatory was lost to history, but Twilight had been glued to the telescope while taking a dozen pages of notes just as fast as she could move a quill, and kept those notes at the very bottom of her desk drawer for several years afterwards.
The number of weeks after she had returned from her trip with her friends to the Crystal Empire when they defeated King Sombra and the symptoms that had driven her to Rich’s Barnyard Bargains pharmacy department matched almost exactly against the library’s reference section, although every time the thought rotated through her mind, it tied yet another muscle into knots. She was irritable when the book said she was supposed to be overly sensitive, had cramps on exactly the same weeks it had mentioned, and she had even gotten a teensy bit… bite-y around the library over the last few weeks. Although Rainbow Dash deserved it for dropping by and trying to steal the last blueberry muffin at breakfast yesterday.
She took the twelve steps up the Septenary Entrance of the castle at a near run, her wings stuck out only a little for balance so as not to knock the two guards on duty into the rosebushes like the last time, made the sharp corner at the bottom of the staircase without sliding the rug down the hallway again, and was up the stairs two at a time. This close to her goal, she had an almost unstoppable urge to break into a frantic gallop and catch Celestia around her warm middle, crying like she did during that one thunderstorm the first night she spent at the castle as a student. But she was a princess now. She was supposed to be a model for the rest of Equestria. When the familiar castle corridor in front of her was filled with several ponies moving unusually large boxes and her route back was blocked in the same way, as much as she wanted to just scream in frustration at the workponies and Prince Blueblood, she just held herself together and took some deep—
Prince Blueblood?
“Ah, Princess Twilight. What a coincidence we both happen to be trapped in this corridor at the same time.” The prince fairly twinkled in the hallway light that cascaded in through the skylights, with his soft, white coat curried to a glossy shine, and his blonde mane thrown back in the most perfect hyperbolic curve that manespray could manage. With a glow of his golden magic, a side door opened and the prince gestured inside. “As fortune would have it, I’ve been unable to catch you during any of your other trips to Canterlot, and there’s something that I would really like to ask you in private. If you would walk this way, Princess?”
A certain non-ladylike word nearly fought its way to the surface as Twilight bit her bottom lip and trotted into the room, casting a despairing look backwards at the squabble her appointment secretary was having with the work ponies moving the boxes. Apparently Crosswind was verbalizing quite loudly the opinion that none of the workponies had parents who were married before they were born, which only churned Twilight’s nervous gut into more of a froth.
The room was one of the smaller exquisite meeting rooms off the Royal Quarter in which Princess Celestia had tea with supplicants, royalty, and on occasion the odd castle employee who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and who just happened to look like they were suffering from a lack of tea with biscuits. Celestia had explained the importance of the tea in such meetings as being the solvent into which all of the reagents of a conflict could dissolve without any unfortunate explosions or meltdowns, and although Twilight had nodded and taken note of the strange analogy, she had never really understood the reasoning behind it until now. With Prince Blueblood in the room gesturing to a soft cushion in just exactly her shade of purple, she had never felt the need for a cup of nice soothing jasmine tea more than at this exact minute, no matter what effect it might have on her… test.
“Princess Twilight Sparkle, or may I just call you Twilight, between us?” Not even pausing for a response, Blueblood continued. “Over the last few years, I can’t help but think of all the times I’ve marveled at your grace and beauty, so close to my own. Why, you’ve even been elevated to the peerage like my noble ancestor, Princess Platinum, although you do have quite a bit of commoner in your bloodline. Still, I’m certain the rest of the nobility will properly recognize my decision, despite your background.
“But before I go any further, has that rather ratty little earth pony colt that has been sniffing around actually proposed to you yet?”
“No!” blurted out Twilight in a panic. If Green Grass had already asked Prince Blueblood to be a groomstallion, did that mean he was going to propose when he arrived in Ponyville in three days? If he was asking royalty to be in the wedding already, did that mean she was supposed to ask Cadence to be a bridlemaid? The wedding couldn’t be happening this soon! There were pages worth of preparations that needed to be checkmarked before this stage! Green Grass had skipped a page, no, he had skipped several pages in their planning template. Her wedding was supposed to be an organized affair, with the proposal first, then the announcements and the invitations and the planning and maybe foals later as they had rather obscurely hinted to each other every time they had recently met. This was as bad as Shining Armor sending her a bucking note about his own upcoming wedding, even if he was mind-controlled by a nasty bug. Did this mean Green Grass had been replaced by a changeling? Had one of his students Flared and turned him into something that couldn’t be fixed? Was he dying? Had he been sent to another dimension? Had she accidently reversed time somehow again? The panic and worry stirred her mind into such a blur that she barely heard Prince Blueblood’s voice as he continued.
“Good, so we won’t have to duel for the honor of your hoof. After all, a true prince deserves a princess, no matter her humble origin.” Pulling a velvet box out from under the table with his magic, he opened the top to reveal an extraordinary ring: a thick band of gold that looked more like a manacle than an ornament for a mare’s horn sparkled with hundreds of tiny diamonds and rubies crafted together in shapes that looked like repeating patterns of ‘BB,’ and topped with a diamond so garish and large it could have gagged Spike for at least a minute.
“Princess Twilight Sparkle, will you accede to the honor of becoming my wife?” The golden aura of his magic floated the ring up past her nose as he stepped forward, frowning in concentration as he attempted to put the heavy object on a reluctant horn that kept darting back and forth.
Twilight was trying not to panic, but the close quarters of the room and the stress were making her breath come in short pants, and her impending panic was not reduced even the slightest by Blueblood’s clumsy attempts to cram that huge ring over her horn. Even the sight of that weighty mass of metal made the knots in her neck tie themselves into spasms. Walking around with that… thing on her horn would be like carrying Spike on her head, even without the consequences of accepting Blueblood’s offer.
Wait. His what?
The world took on a surreal aspect as all of her worries tangled together into one huge incomprehensible lump, blocking out any attempt at conscious thought or even respiration. She could see Blueblood’s lips moving, his soft, moist lips that smelled of raspberry lip gloss while saying words her ears refused to hear. His head darted from one side to another in front of her eyes like some sort of metronome every time he would attempt to push the ring onto her horn. The moment that giant lump of gold and crystallized carbon touched her horn, the world would end. He would move forward and try to kiss her as the future Princess Blueblood. It was too much for her mind to handle.
Twilight did the only thing she could think of doing.
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Poor Blueblood...
I sense more explosions in the future. More explosions, with Blueblood in close proximity, are always a good thing.
"My dear student, can you explain to me why there is a Blueblood-shaped hole in the roof of the main waiting chamber? I only ask for the record, of course. Personally, I've wanted to do that for years and I've lost count of the number of times I've persuaded Luna not to do it. She will be jealous that you beat her to it, you know!"
Oh hell no.
I hope she destroyed him.
Let us hope that dear Blueblood is only slightly crispy and blackened around the edges. It will sear the douchey juices into him fully, and make for excellent antagonistic follies in the coming chapters.
5697328 Not the way he's acting here.
5697328 Considering what all I know happens... he deserves every bit of it.
I'll say 50/50 chance of either slamming Blueblood into the furniture/wall/ceiling/mountain, or a teleport.
Georg you're such a tease, I can't wait to see the other Princesses' reactions to this.
TO THE FOUNTAIN WITH THE GIT!
Appendum: THE PONYVILLE FOUNTAIN!
Oh why do you tease us so with these horrible delicious cliffhangers and side plots. *throws self on drama couch*
On an unrelated note, are all the chapter titles going to have a variation of the word "pop" in them? Because there's this rather immature German pun that I can't get out of my head now, thank y'all kindly.
5697398 5697428 5697572 5697594
Gentleman, gentleman! You are all thinking... rather inside the box. Destroying him (via telekinetic crush or vaporization) is not a thing a princess just does to clods like him no matter how tempting; besides, she wouldn't want to upset the Princesses with repair bills for the walls/ceilings or leave the lingering scent of burnt hair/flesh/fop to wrinkle the noses of the innocent cleaning crews and maids. Nor would she just teleport him as that's a rather "tame" way to handle an ego such as his that needs to be taken down a peg or two (million).
No, what she will do to him will be one (or more) things that will haunt him for the rest of his days (no matter how short they may be, given how he is going about things) and make him BEG for the good ole days when all he had to worry about was cake in his coat and mane.
Ah, yes. Earth ponies' pre-Equestrian democratic traditions mean that they didn't really have any nobility when the three tribes unified. And now they're woefully underrepresented in the upper tiers of society... to whatever extent that actually matters. That's rather variable.
Also, we have our conflict. Declaring the engagement wasn't scheduled yet, and so Twilight needs to race to cover her rump. After all, I'm sure she's already thought of a dozen disaster scenarios stemming from an illegitimate royal birth.
And as for Blueblood, well, wrong place, wrong time, and most especially wrong pony. Unless, of course, you're playing with our expectations. I look forward to seeing his fate.
Also:
"Rainbow, I'm so sorry!"
"Nah, it's cool. So when does my horn grow in?"
"... What?"
"Duh. Bitten by an alicorn? That's the origin of, like, five different superheroes. Are you radioactive right now?"
"In the sense of black body radiation, yes, but—"
"Make that nine superheroes. I'm gonna need to think of a name."
She turned him into a potted plant?
Or else she teleported away.
Cool. I love it when Blueblood gets hospitalized.
Just wanted to add: Am I the only one who was shocked by the frankly shameless level of racism in Crosswind's internal monologue?
Well I don't think he'll be siring any heirs any time soon.
5697594
No! That fountain has very romantic imagery for her now.
5698104
It does seem like an Earth Pony's lot is not a happy one in Equestria
5697968 Who doesn't? Especially after acting like a total b!tch towards Rarity, even though she ain't on the top of my fav list if I lived in Equestria Blue Blood would be on my hit list.
Well, if I am any judge, there will be a Royal Proclamation soon, to be announced by town criers the length and breadth of the land.
"HEAR YE, HEAR YE, LET IT BE KNOWN IN REFERENCE TO ALL MARRIAGE PROPOSALS TO HER ROYAL HIGHNESS PRINCESS TWILIGHT, THAT HENCE FORTH, BARRING EXCEPTIONAL CIRCUMSTANCES, THE OFFICIAL ANSWER SHALL BE "GET KNOTTED"! HEAR YE, HEAR YE...".
5698104 Oh, there is another JUST like her but for a different tribe of pony coming soon. But yeah, she is quite stuck on her cloud of "High and Mighty pegasus" looking down upon the groundbounders.
I think the first thing she is gonna do is vomit all over Blueblood. After that however...
Somebody go get me a mop and a bucket of that industrial cleaner. This pool of blood and broken teeth isn't going to clean itself, you know?
Nooooooo!! How could you leave it there?? Right there? Forget the cliffhanger, I think you just pushed us all off. Well, not as far as BB just pushed Twilight. But I don't think it's possible to push farther than that.....lol.
I'll laugh so hard if she disintegrates the ring.
5697725
Oh? Too inside the box? Alright then. I can think outside the box. *clears keyboard*
Part One:
The Most High & Royal Court was crowded this day, with the exception of the shaft of light that shone upon a lone and chained unicorn by the name of Blueblood. With eyes brimming with barely held tears, he looked up to his beloved Auntie Celestia, whom was looking down upon Blueblood as one would upon an unsightly spot that needed to be bleached with all the fury of a nuclear inferno.
With a gentle stroke of her magnificent wing, Princess Celestia quietly soothed the trembling form of Twilight Sparkle. "Oh Celestia, it was terrible! He, he tried to force his unwanted advances upon me!" the young princess cried out as the audience that had gathered this day in court gasped in astonished shock upon hearing this most blasphemous of actions.
"Oh my dearest Twilight, perhaps it was all a grave misunderstanding? Come, my Nephew, do speak of what you meant. Is this all but a mere misunderstanding?"
"Ye-"
"I have heard enough!" Celestia proclaimed as the rising sun calls to the morning. "I am related by the merest slivers of infinitesimally abysmal occurrence of tragic goblet of wine some thousand years past from a cousin's ill-advised indiscretion, and thus cannot be called to give a fittingly unbiased punishment. Whom here can proclaim a fitting justice to my most spoiled and misbegotten nephew?"
A grand door opened, and a parade of animate cakes of all shapes and sized did hop in time to some unheard music derived from the dark and howling depths of Pandemonium. The grand and carnivorous cakes chanted their abyssal song as they surrounded the chained prince who shivered in fear of having frosting stain his coat. Held aloft on a palanquin of cotton candy, did Pinkie Pie enter the sacred court. With a cheery squeak she spoke, "Oh Princess Celestia, I would say we should make cupcakes of him, but I fear the otherwise delicious confections would spread plague and most unsightly rashes with he as the main ingredient!"
Blueblood sighed in relief at this.
"So instead, we should have him attend clown college and work full-time entertaining at foals birthday parties! With no free cake for him!"
Blueblood blanched at this.
Then another door opened, and into the court did erupt a burgeoning cloud of darkest storm and cracking thunder. From terrible gales did issue forth a white chariot pulled by a dozen pegasi composed of pure lightning. From the chariot did stand Rainbow Dash, who proclaimed, "As the twerp is not even two-percent as cool as Tirek getting relief cream from the pharmacy for bowel incontinence, I say we shave his coat off, tie him up, and use him as bait for hydra spotting in the upcoming televised wild discovery series!"
Blueblood's teeth chattered in worry at this.
A door appeared, and from it did a most calm and radiant maiden did lightly step forth. Heralded by neither insane cakes nor intimidating storms, Fluttershy simply and gently trotted her way to the center of the room. With a most bright and gentle set of eyes did the fair maiden of Ponyville sweetly suggest, "May I recommend him as a new slumville for a set of particularly excruciatingly painful set of skin-devouring parasites? They get so awfully hungry and they would very much like a nice place to call home where they can raise their itty bitty little babies. Um, if that's okay?"
Blueblood tried to squirm towards the carnivorous cakes. They seemed suddenly merciful.
5699318 Reads what is written and applauds vigorously. Not what will happen in the story, of course, but definitely a thumping good read that gave him the chuckles. "I say, old bean, I give that a solid "thumbs up"!" Eagerly awaits "part two".
Gonna be so hard not spoilering this for folks, but satisfying.
I sincerely hope whatever it is, it involves punching Blueblood in the face so hard that all his teeth fall out and running away.
I rather like the idea that Twilight has staff in Canterlot that mostly just keep to their own devices. Not so much this Crosswind character specifically, she seems a bit speciest. I'm sure Celestia knew what she was doing in selecting her for the job, so maybe first looks are deceiving.
*record scratch*
For Blueblood's dumb sake, I'm hoping for teleport.
Well, she has been a bit bite-y the past few days...
Let's see if inter-story post links will work...
5673408
Yay! They work!
I wonder how you check a user's posts...
This was great.
Wait... is Rainbow lez in this universe?
3... 2... 1...
Blueblood, prepare to have something large and painful shoved up where the sun don't shine. Or get sent to the Moon.
5698351 LOL.
5698254 Rarity isn't my favorite pony either... but Blueblood is my favorite designated target because of his treatment of her.
5699318 Where is the rest??? And will Shining Armor get a turn???? Big Brother protective tendancies should have Blueblood begging for the punishments from the Mane 6.
Damn I can't believe I missed the betting pool for the next chapter
Um. Maaaaybe because she spent her whole life without said wings, and isn't quite comfortable with them?
Ugh. Yes. He seriously needs one.
Oh... my.
Nooo... "f*** off" was perfectly applicable here, Twilight
It takes two to tango, Princess. I'm fairly sure you skipped those particular pages together
No, but, excellent suggestion
Fleeing? Or kicking him in the face and then fleeing?
Or just teleporting. Ohey, back in Ponyville
5697725 Oh, it is far, far worse than that. And coming next week when I start publishing long-delayed chapters.
Pretty certain that you mean trawl as in "trawl through the vast collection", not troll, the difference one being method of fishing where you drag a large net along the sea bed and hope to catch bottom feeders, and the other being the actual bottom feeders you're trying to catch.
Dictionary Definition: trawl
6903601 Naa, if she did that, I'm pretty sure it would be trolling. And she certainly would come up with some amazing bottom-feeders
(the other definition of Trolling fits too) troll (trōl/Submit) troll2 carefully and systematically search an area for something.
"a group of companies trolling for partnership opportunities"
Do I see an "Explosivo Castrado" in blueballs's future?
Still a jerk, surprise surprise...
So. Right cross?
Left?
Both?!
10302227
She said she was "rather bite-y"