• Member Since 27th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen October 13th

Jay David


Just a guy who loves MLP.

E
Source

Rainbow Dash has taken it upon herself to write her very own fanfiction. Naturally, being Rainbow, she thinks it's awesome, and thus wants Twilight to read it. Unfortunately, Twilight is less than thrilled with her friend's creation. And as Twilight soon learns, she isn't the only one of her friends to take this up as a hobby.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 82 )

Great writers have to go through a lot of duds before they make something ponies like

Dan Brown's still working through the dud phase. :scootangel:

Good story. Ending was cute. :twilightsmile:

Rainbow sure has an... interesting fanfic

Two through 34 -- what she doesn't have in quality, she makes up for in quantity. This can be a good thing -- go dash go -- pump out those BAD words... If you write enough bad words, eventually you will start to write some good ones also.

............................

I think these are unnecessary (or, at least, very ugly). At the very least use a page divider, instead. :x

[ hr ]

I think we've all been where Rainbow Dash is now. Thankfully, with a little hard work and some constructive criticism, we get better. :twilightsmile:

I could not contain the unstoppable chuckles I got reading from this.

I am hooked. I want number two to thirty-four NAOOOOO! :applecry:

Neat little story. I'll admit it isn't anything original; the premise of one character (usually Rainbow Dash) presenting a horrible fanfic to another character (I don't think I've ever seen anyone other than Twilight used here) has been done quite a few times. That said, it was a harmless and fun story which had a very funny ending (I like the fact that Rainbow had already written so many chapters). Also, I apologize in advance about how long this comment will probably be, but I enjoyed the story and think you could do even better! :pinkiehappy:

It also isn't without its own problems. Honestly one thing that amused me about this story is that it suffered from pretty much every mistake Rainbow made in her own story, and I'm not entirely sure if that was done on purpose or not. For example, while you did pretty good with showing instead of telling, you also had several places where you did the complete opposite right after. Meaning you used too much telling instead of showing, and it was redundant as well. Example:

Twilight chuckled at her friend’s behaviour, but nevertheless gave her a short nod and a smile, letting her know that she was willing to do this for her.

After a while of this, the two calmed down and Rainbow gave her friend a quick pat on her shoulder with her hoof, nodding to her and silently letting her know that she appreciated what she did for her.

See the two parts I quoted above? At first, they show instead of tell by using body language and other actions to convey thoughts and feelings. In the first quote, Twilight smiling and nodding shows both Rainbow and the reader that she intends to help out. In the second quote, Rainbow nodding to Twilight and patting her on the shoulder shows both Twilight and the reader that Rainbow appreciated Twilight's help. So that's fine. The problem is that in both cases, you immediately follow up by outright telling us what the actions meant, rendering the previous part completely pointless. In the first quote, you said that the smile let Rainbow know she wanted to help (even though the part before then did the exact same thing), and the same is true for the second quote. Do you see how that is redundant? You use body language and other such things ("Showing") to convey a message without just outright stating it ("Telling"), and then immediately do the exact opposite.

Another issue is that some of Twilight's criticism wasn't really valid, and quite a bit of it was just nitpicking (which, funny enough, is kind of what I'm doing right now :rainbowlaugh:). For example:

After having read that, Twilight suddenly considered something, as shown by the raised eyebrow she now bore.
"Wait...why doesn't Dash just try and escape from them?"

In this case, you have to consider the character involved. Yes, she technically could simply fly away, but considering that this is a self-insert of Rainbow Dash of all ponies, would it really be in-character for her to avoid a fight like that? Especially if she was confident she could win? Not only that, but if you used that logic with all the fights she could potentially get into, then you're left with a story where the main character runs away at every sign of trouble (Brave, brave Sir Robin!), which doesn't sound very enjoyable.

Now, let me end here on a positive note. I seriously enjoyed how in-character both Twilight and Rainbow were in this story. I especially love how you didn't make Rainbow an idiot by having her make a blatantly horrible fic in every way, and then have her be unable to realize why it was bad. Instead, you made her make some very believable mistakes and then had her act understanding about how she could improve, while also letting her realize some mistakes she had made without Twilight's help (realizing you need to go over your work again and check for spelling mistakes is something every author has to go through). So, on that note, the premise here is actually more original than I gave it credit for. Many other stories like this just make Rainbow out-of-character with how terrible her story is, and then has her never willing to admit to any of the mistakes made (all for the sake of comedy). This story has the comedy without having to sacrifice characterization, and as far as I'm concerned that by itself makes this story stand above the others.

Good job, and I wish you luck with any future stories you have. :twilightsmile:

It was an awesome day, and Dash Rainbows was...

:rainbowlaugh: oh boy...

5588325

Hah! I had forgot about that scene. Thanks for the link. :twilightsmile:

It's not really the same thing (she wasn't actually writing fanfiction), but it's easy to see her either starting out writing fanfiction, or doing so along with her "novel."

5588325 I always loved AJ's "Oh crap, she found out about that?" reaction.

VGI

Awwww, you have achieved to make us all emphatic towards RD and Scoots, and even Twi, with this wonderful idea of RD and Scoots writing fanfiction of Daring Do, and Twi pre-reading. Sweet...

So sweet, I am touched. To actually have the canon characters do something that we do here in fimfiction.net, oh yes, I am touched.

Thumbs upping, and shelving.



Now, to the matters at hand. Possible corrections:
1. Twilight had, until la few moments ago, been quietly minding her own business, just reading a good book on one of the many park benches in the middle of Ponyville.

2. "Oh, I'll say! Guess what I've just done?"
- If I am not mistaken, "Guess what I've just done" is not a question. You are requesting someone to guess. An "!" is the right thing to use.

5589257 With that 'la' part I thought she was going French. Oh la la!

5590649 Yes.

(looks at you confused, unsure what you're 'seriously' about...)

VGI

5590664 Um, ok...
I'm just wondering how the reader would have known that she was going French with nothing but "la" as the clue.

5590698 I'm British, my awful country has sucked the comedy out of my soul. It's not my fault that joke was bad.

I've seen the whole "Twilight reads/critiques Rainbow Dash's fanfic" done a lot, at this point it needs a twist to be an interesting story. Here it's Scootaloo, I wish we had focused more on her in this story. I would have loved to have read her review of the fanfic, or seen her try to convince her friends or others to read it.

just flat-out says she wasn't to go on an adventure with a mare she's only just met.

Looks like Rainbow Dash isn't the only one with spelling errors.

Twilight had, until la few moments ago, been quietly minding her own business,

a
____________

Your interpretation just has her arrive out of nowhere, for no reason, and just flat-out says she wasn't to go on an adventure with a mare she's only just met."

wants
___________


Maybe Dash should have offered to help Scoots. Still that was pretty cool that Rainbow Dash would take a blow to her ego for he sake of her honorary little sister.

Atleast she didn't write clop, Twi...

5587036 That line made this the most meta fic I have ever read. It was almost like this fic was a direct message to a couple of people. It's good advise though, so I gotts give it a pass.

"Duh! She's surrounded!"

Twilight stared at her in silence for a moment before speaking up again.

"But she can fly."

This was the part of the fanfic that Scootaloo wrote.

In Twilight's dialogue: "just flat-out says she wasn't to go on an adventure" - maybe you meant "wants" instead of "wasn't"?

Dash wrote ANOTHER bad fanfic?

She's done that frequently... :rainbowhuh:

AND THEN THEY TOUCHED DICKS.
THEY TOUCHED DICKS, RIGHT?

5593814 Not exactly...

Love that little twist at the end. :)

VGI

5590700 Hmmm...one of my editors is British. Might explain alot...

Anyways, England has one of the most impressive navies in the world. Wish my country had such a navy, considering that we are, geographically speaking, a "tropical version" of Britain.

5594589 And yet we constantly make more trouble for ourselves than is needed. XD

5594589 Anyways, let's jump to a random cutaway gag and join Sonic the Hedgehog as he embarks on a new adventure.

VGI

5594593 Same here. :ajsleepy:

Actually, blame it on our politicians! :twilightangry2:

As for the Sonic gag...did you...make that?

Also, do you have two FimFic accounts? Cuz I'm kinda confused who to follow.

Also, I love your youtube vids.

She didn't want to dash her friend's desire

That pun needs to somehow be incorporated into the show

Emerald Flight, that is just wrong. Disappointed.:trixieshiftright:

If this story isn't canon to the show, it should be. It deffinately follows the shows canon at least. RD is a huge Daring Doo fan (if Daring Don't is anything to go by) and I'm pretty sure I remember her saying In an episode (I don't remember which one) that she'd written a DD fan fiction. Regardless though, this story should be considered required reading for any other writer on this site.

Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.

5596483 From "Spike at Your Service:"

Rainbow Dash: Sweet! What are you having him do? Wash your laundry? Clean your room? Help you with your unfinished novel? Mine's about this awesome Pegasus who's the best flyer ever and becomes the captain of the Wonderbolts!
Rarity: [sarcastic] How ever did you come up with that ingeniously woven intricate plot line?
Rainbow Dash: Just came to me.

Is that what you mean?

Wow. I loved this. It's also funny how it points at every part of a bad fan fiction. Or should I say, Fimfiction?! :pinkiehappy:

:rainbowhuh:

:derpyderp1:

:facehoof:

Ok, fine.

5592709 So much Scootabuse. :scootangel:

"But...wouldn't readers just take our word for it?"

Dash, all you need to so is write a vampony fic where the vamponies are lesbians named Vinyl and Octavia (who could also be a werewolf, because that makes it more interesting, apparently). No one will care about anything else and you'll get over 4,000 likes.

And the saddest part is that I'm not even joking. :facehoof:

I loved the way this has been written: perfect example of well-practised writing. Excellent stuff.
Just a few minor technical things, the most glaring was at one point it said 'he' instead of 'she' =)

5587036 Christopher Paolini never got through the dud phase.

And yet, somehow, having one of her closest friends standing and smiling at her eagerly, as Rainbow Dash was currently doing, managed to trump every single one of those experiences.

It's the same logic as 'the most frightening thing in the world is your crush talking to you.'

"Wow, Rainbow. I'll be honest, I never took you for the type to write your own stories."

Remember? She's working on her own novel.

Twilight reasoned that this might actually be a fun read, and so began taking up a more comfortable position on the bench before starting to read her friend's story.

This is gonna get ugly.

"I'm sorry...it's just...you just said she was awesome, but then didn't do anything afterwards."

Dash Rainbows is awesome simply by existing, she would be awesome even when she's dead, gone and forgotten.

"Ha! If oyu htink this is gonna scare me, htink again!"

They are not looking to scare you, just eat you. Do timberwolves eat meat? They are plants to begin with so...I don't get.

"Awesome! I knew you'd write a good one! So...does this mean we can try her out with volumes two to thirty-four?"

Twilight hears her laundry calling her. Gotta go.

Gotta love the characterizations in the story. I love how Rainbow accepts Twilight's criticism and realizes her mistakes than defending her badly written story. :twilightsmile:

5601374 Really. I'm not joking. At all. :facehoof:

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