justanotherfan
Joined 7th Oct, 2013 ·
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This was very cute, but it has one flaw. It is way to short. And at least I want to know what the foal looks like. But have a like!
Hey, not a bad story you have here! Very cute and satisfying! I will agree with The Frank here, however, and say that this story is too short. Your idea has the potential to become a long multi-chapter epic if you willed it so. While you don't actually have to do that, the story as it stands could still do with some more character development and more florid description. Rainbow's not certain that she could be a mother? Or she's being a mother only for Fluttershy's sake? That's a potential nucleus for conflict and development.
Your writing conventions are quite solid overall, so kudos to you there. Often when I see stories with multiple sub-1,000 word chapters, they aren't written very well, but this is a fair step up from the usual stuff I find! I will, however, direct you attention to one particular line:
This is a "Teen" rated story, so I see why you would need to "pan over the sex," so to speak, but there are better ways of doing it than rather blatantly telling your readers just that. Doing that is a sure way to break the immersion your readers are in.
Twilight is embarrassed about watching two of her friends "go to town"? Describe that! Start with description of kissing, then hugging, then heated kissing, then rolling about on the bed. When things start getting too heated for Twilight, turn her head away from the bed and pointedly stop describing the scene, focusing on Twilight's embarrassment instead. That way, you don't have to describe the explicit bits. Have Twilight glance back from time to time, wait for a convenient time to cast the spell, then have her do that. With her eyes closed! Again, a convenient way to avoid describing mature bits.
This is just one idea, but there are dozens more you could think up that would make the scene engaging and appropriate.
In any case, nice job with the story as a whole! I quite enjoyed it!
“No, but,” the blonde pegasus
Fluttershy isn't blonde
It's like the abridged series of Trials of Starting a Family. XD I agree that it's too short, but it's well written nonetheless, and it made me laugh.
5583802
Her coat is blonde, more specifically, but you're right. Her mane and tail need to be blonde for it to count.
Pace is a bit quick here. Get used to over-stretching it with details so that each chapter can be a hefty two or three thousand words. That way you'll have an engaging experience for the reader that's almost like watching the TV show. Skipping through the basic outcomes can sometimes shoot down the image being created by the reader. And also, I want to point out this one part:
Try to avoid doing things like that. I had a pretty fluid image going in my head up to this point until it was completely ripped to shreds by this fourth-wall moment. Keep the flow; don't let it break suddenly with an embedded author message.
Other than some of that stuff, it really isn't bad! I wrote a one-shot sort of like this last year, and it got a lot of approval. If you like, you could check it out if you want to see some of what I mean by "details."
Here's the link. It's a little stranger than this, though. It puts less emphasis on the sort-of 'heartwarming love' style, and focuses more on ironic hilarity. I really think you'd like it.
This story is very cute
To cute
.
What rhymes with lore? MOAR!
Idk anymore... Have a like
Great story. Left me with a nice feeling.
I'm putting this in my favorites because it made me question an aspect of me and my religious beliefs I had never thought of before. Most YA books nowadays can't accomplish that. And also for Flutterdash. I'm watching you because you write well, and you have earned my respect. And how you did just blows me away.
The chapters are way too short but it was still good.
5583802 What? Does it matter? Though, it is more buttercream..
“How can I get Fluttershy pregnant?" Now that is golden
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It has so much potential for longer story than only few really short chapters
but still great read
a good first chapter, I must say
a bit quick on the question, eh rainbow?
Fluttershy is really intent on having a foal, but I'm enjoying the story, even with some typos here and there, but as they say "don't judge a book by its cover,"