Violette is a hardcore pegasister who's ultimate dream is to hang out with the best pegasi around, so what happens when she wakes up as a...unicorn? What will she do once she finds out her dreams are shattered.
Chapters (2)
Violette
Joined 6th Dec, 2011 ·
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I saw your blog. Congratulations on making your May 10 deadline. Also, you have pretty good grammar and spelling.
And now some advice:
Putting the words in the center is slightly confusing. Traditional format is on the left with an indent at the begining of each paragraph.
The second chapter with all the character information detracts from the story. You might hear the phrase "Don't tell us, show us" thrown around. Don't just do an info dump. Give it to us in small bits that fit in with the narrative.
I see you have a few dislikes. Don't let it get you down. Writing your first story is tough. We've all been there. I typically offer help to all first-time writers. If you have questions or want advice, feel free to send me a PM.
It could at least have 1000 words average on each chapter... I hope it's not too much to ask. It's not a bad story, so I guess I'll like it.
I'm going to not only read this, but give this an instant like just because of the instant dislikes people gave this.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but...
This story...
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/128/622/KILL-IT-WITH-FIRE-FUNNY-FORUM-PICS.jpg
I will lay the nails of this coffin in neat little bullet points:
-Lack of any description other that a brief "You are here" and "Know these people" segments
-Don't give your readers a fucking list. I made that mistake before. You will loss half of you audience right there.
-Your character is a damn Sue.
-Your character (other than having a brief moment of 'what the hell?!') takes being a pony and being in another world a little to well
-There is very little conflict.
-The dialogue is shampoo drinkingly awful.
-Grammar. You needs it.
I could go deeper into detail but I don't want to scare off a new writer. Work on these things and we'll talk.
Keep on truckin',
All American
566194
Being contrary to popular opinion?
Does that make you some kind of...fanfiction hipster?
Sorry! Ack! Put down the M60, I didn't mean it!
Ehhh... the introduction of characters did not exist so I don't exactly have a feel for the characters. It's First person obiously, but I don't even feel attached to myself in this story!
566219
Not really. I just came here to deliver justice. Also to see why there were dislikes but after reading the first two chapters, I can see why it was downvoted. Well it doesn't matter much now. My work here is done.
gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs3/2070841_o.gif
I don't mean to be rude but i think maybe you rework the entire book.
You are great in terms of plot...but maybe you should restart back tothe beginning and go slowly. Literature is art and art need time.
It will make a lot of people happy
Good luck writer
Erh mer gerd. Best fic ever. I love the dynamic characterization. I can also relate to the themes of prejudice set in your story. The plot I've seen, but it's nice to see you put a fresh spin on it, though.
Wait. This isn't satire? I take that all back, then.
Thanks for reading what I have so far, it is very appreciated.
Thanks for all of the CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, it has all been taken on board.
Chapter 2 Deleted.
Not Centered
and as for grammar and spelling, sorry, it's not exactly my forte.
It feels far too rushed. You need to develop the Characters in the first chapter, not just throw them at the reader. Honestly it feel like you put some of them (Such as Alisha, John, Aaron, Ash, etc) in just to confuse people. You need more structure, more planning, not just words thrown onto a page. Everything may seem good in your head, but there must be a filter between pure imagination and the words on the page.
TL:DR, Refine the story, it's salvageable, but barely.
What can I say?
the idea is fairly original for a HIE, as the human is turned into something else than she had wished.
However, there are a lot of flaws in this story. It is hard to follow, (partially because it is second person while this story longs for a good-written protagonist in third/first person) it is unclear what happens and the grammar needs some doing
567073 yes I have editors so I will run this and the next four chapters (yes they are already typed out) by them again. Till then I will be inactive and I will delete these comments 'kay? Good.
556721 Truthfully I love the idea, and can't wait for the next chapter! Keep on going Violette!
567086
"hurf durf I don't like you so I'll censor you out"
You baby. Take your criticism like a proper lady. There's a reason why we even posted.
You sound like Tara Gilesbie. Except not hilarious (intentionally or not).
567386 Oh I'm sorry, did I ask for your opinion on how I talk to my brother? That would be a NO. I didn't want my sibling arguments on the internet for all the world to see. I always have my reasons, so just butt out.
567416
Whoa, calm down. He probably didn't look at your page and realize Elzipper7 is your brother. Please remember that everyone on the internet can see what you type, so just take a moment and make sure to choose your words carefully.
Love & Tolerance
567416
I'm more concerned that you delete comments, but whatever
568354 Fine, just stop insulting me with people I don't know.
That is 120% sad
Everyone thump up because this story rocks GREAT JOB Vi
569570
Have you got anger commets about your avitar being an alicorn they just bug me
569848 Well technically she is a unicorn. She just has mechanical wings!
That, and I'm going to change it to a picture I drew of heart pony violette anyway.
571883
Cute
573902 thanks!
Hmm.
First of all, your character isn't that bad. Yes, yes, internet haters who are about to dislike me, I know, she is a Sue. She only describes things as 'you are here,' there is very little conflict, the dialog is bad, and all those other problems that AllAmerican so kindly pointed out to us. But! For a first time story, this isn't awful. I'll admit it, my first attempts at writing stories sucked. And I mean massively. Like, 'shoot it, burn it, freeze it, cut it up because it's so bad' sucked.
Okay, it's constructive criticism time. When your character goes to Ponyville, it's best to have a 'OH MY GOSH I'M IN PONYVILLE NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY OH WAIT HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!!' moment. Don't just have a few lines of Violet flipping out, have a whole paragraph. Heck, have a whole page of her going about life in Ponyville and disbelieveing every second of it.
Personally, I think with a few changes, you story would be great. Here, let me show you. I've colored your text a different color to make it stand out:
"Hey Miss?” starts Sweetie Belle sitting up, “I hope you don't mind my asking but how did you get your cutie mark?” she asks, glancing expectantly at Violet. She was afraid of this. Violet turned to the side so that the Cutie Mark Cursaders could all see her cutie mark, that would be… if Violet had one. Everyone gasps in shock.
“You-You’re a blank flank?” asks Scootaloo.
“I gave up looking for my special talent ages ago.” Violet lies, head turning to the side.
Scootaloo cocks her head to the side, and Violet can almost see the lightbulb above her head. “Hey, Miss, do you have any ideas we could try out?”
“With what I’ve seen I’m surprised you guys aren’t the Cutie Mark Crusader Cake Eaters!” Violet laughs, before realizing that she's just met them in this world.
The Crusaders look at her quizzically for a moment before Applebloom speaks. “How did ya know ‘bout our club?” she asked, curiosity brimming her eyes.
“Well, the tales of three fillies who work hard all day trying to find out their special talents and earn their cutie marks have travelled very far, even to Canterlot!” Violet's starting to wonder how much she'll have to lie when it comes to knowledge of the My Little Pony cast.
“Oh, I never thought of that!” says Sweetie Belle, “That must be why you know us, because almost every unicorn I know has come from Canterlot. Well, bye Miss!” yells the foal, running back to her sister with the two Blank Flanks following.
Violet stares after Sweetie Belle confused before it hits her. The pegasister raises one hoof to her head and feel her forehead. Surely, enough she could feel a horn emerging from her head. Now her dreams of ever flying over the Everfree forest, scouting for any animals in distress to take to Fluttershy so that she could help her save animals and just be able to fly...were shattered.
Violet wanted to cry. She just want to curl up and cry. [Wh-why? Why do I have to be a unicorn? Unicorns can't fly...I... Violet looks up. seeing a wall-eyed mare walking up to your makeshift cake stand. She starts calm down. After all, she has cake to sell. [There'll be time to feel sorry for myself later.]
"Hey, Miss!" says the pony, "That cake looks really yummy! Oh, and by the way, my name's Derpy."[color]
Keep writing anyways! I love what you've done with the story so far.
579730 Thanks for that!
Oh! Do you mind if I edit that into what I have. It's way better then mine.
580436
No, I do not mind at all!
569570 That's why man invented Google! Also, when is the next update? I'm still waiting on that and looking forward to it.
601105 haha very funny. dun worry I'm workin on it.
Violette, do you need an editor? I could help you correct your story, if you want, and fix up the second chapter so that the point of view doesn't shift from third-person to second-person.
781851 Yes please! That would be great, as you can see this is not my specialty. Just a hobby for when I'm alone and it's two in the morning.