• Member Since 2nd Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Diamond Sparkle


I am pleased I joined here and hope to rp on YM with someone.

E

Diamond Tiara has a secret that she only trusts Silver Spoon with-she is secretly jealous of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, because of who they are and their personalities. Silver Spoon cheers her up.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 7 )

A new look that doesn't just portray them as selfish bitches but selfish bitches with some sadness at not being able to actually earn their wealth. Very enjoyable.

As much as I dislike Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, I love fanfics where they are portrayed as ponies with real emotions.

And then they kissed.

...

Come on, let me have that one. They're a good couple, and I like how you portrayed them.:yay:

This is gaert. :yay:

This has a good message, to be sure. However, this doesn't sound at all like Diamond or Silver, and I suppose that's fine too given that we can write the characters how we want - we have some creative freedom when we write side characters. But the dialogue doesn't fit a young character - she speaks like a wise old adult.

There's not a very strong connection in this story that shows Diamond actually caring about any of those things mentions. She does say that she has money and that's what she'll be known for, but the self reflection bit she does here never touches on herself directly - she seems to suggest that she has no potential because she's rich, and not because of who she is. She says she's spoil, but she doesn't mention any failed attempts at not being spoiled, almost like she believes she's spoiled because other ponies believe it too.

It's not a bad story, but it feels rough, like it could use some tweaking. Diamond and Silver don't come off as genuine, and that gets in the way of what is a very good message you're trying to give to the reader in this story. Keep at it, keep writing and experimenting with dialogue to make your characters come off as real and believable.

That's an interesting point. Can magic be used to directly scratch an itch? Does it have physical presence that would allow it to do that or would you have to grab something and scratch with that? I guess only unicorns truly know.

I think you've improved since the last piece I've read of yours. This one makes its point through dialogue instead of directly through narration. I'd suggest spacing your paragraphs out a bit more. Rule of thumb is the paragraph changes whenever the speaker does.

Also, why does Diamond call her dad by his full name? Is he her stepdad in this universe? That might be an interesting twist actually. Just think of how that would make her feel about her inherited wealth.

980232 LOL I second that! DiamondSpoon forever!

BUMP, BUMP, SUGARLUMP, RUMP! :twilightsmile:

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