- Member Since 24th Oct, 2014
- offline last seen April 1st
Brony_Headbanger
Metal music, guitars, and model electric trains. Rainbow Dash is best pony!
Brony_Headbanger
Joined 24th Oct, 2014 ·
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If this wasn't just the same thing being copy pasted with a different character each time with short length, little to no story, and boring sex scenes it might be good. Till that time when it is good, no upvotes will be given from me.
5580008 No more wondering why it's so bad now.
(The comment is mostly to give some tips in an attempt to help you, always good to help fellow writers/readers.)
It did feel a bit fast, especially since there wasn't much past connection between the reader and Vinyl besides her spying on him. Perhaps you could've added where the reader had gone to the club a few times before and seen by Vinyl as she was playing the records but the reader never noticed her? Or anything else to give a bigger connection then simply spying on him after he's been around for less than a week.
Another note, but 100% optional, while it's good to not give the reader a name since that makes them feel more like they're in it, you can always use nicknames given by the other characters to them to help address them. But as I said this is completely optional and not required.
However, giving the reader a purpose in life, such as a job they have or ambition, is always good. It makes the story more realistic and realism can make a story more enjoyable. An example could be from my story Baby Cup, the reader wasn't given a name at all but had a job at the Supermarket so it implies the reader has gone through school and a job interview before. Just like you would in real life.
These are just a few things that came to my mind for second person stories. Even if you're writing a one-shot it doesn't mean it has to do super duper short. (though mine are rather short.) but a final tip:
This could be separated into two smaller paragraphs with only one added word, the word suddenly that's in red. So if you want you can add that word and separate the paragraph into two smaller ones as I did with it in the quote above. It tends to be a tad more appealing to readers if there isn't that much wall of text.
But above all, write what comes to your mind and then review over it and make additions, subtractions, and corrections where they're needed. By the way there are some grammar errors in the story, like right here in the same paragraph quoted above:
I should be you and wants should be wanted. I do hope I've been a help and not a bother.
If you'd like a proofreader or something for these is gladly led a hand...or hoof. Either one, the point is Second person stories is my main specialty out of all three PoV's and I'd be glad to help you out. Till next time!
(Holy hell this was long!)
5580239 No it didn't. BTW, you're one sad person.
5580239 Pfft BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA no you didn't
Hm? Wonder why his comment deleted?
5581371 you don't need to know
Love how this is suppose to be from the perspective of the reader, considering that you simply assumed any reader has male anatomy. I just had to stop reading after it started talking about the boner; that doesn't apply to everyone.
5613248
I can try. I did, Lyra like twice and they both turned out horrible. Bon Bon I haven't done yet. But I can try. Ideas are just hard to come up with now, if you know what I mean. Or if you read all of my "Alone With..." stories.
5616720 still waiting on alone with trixie
5628914
I know, man. You know how ideas are when you try to come up with them. LOL. But yeah. Haven't thought of anything yet. I know waiting's really hard. But you know what I mean.
5629314 yep
5629703
I got a really good idea for Trixie finally, man. I don't wanna tell you what it is, cause I will ruin the surprise. Once it gets approved in about a day or so. You'll find out.
5631123 ok man, thanks
Amazing story headbanger, I can't wait until the tenth story in the series! (I already read alone with trixie)
hhmmm... could you do a "alone with big mac" with human female
there isn't a lot of human female x male pony
5739454
I don't know if I can. I've never done a female human with a stallion before. Usually, I don't know what girls really feel. And it's also gonna be very tough. Ya know?
Do a Octavia one
Celestia or Luna heck both would be amazing! I'm guy so I can understand why you might be hesitant to make a human female x stallion , why not look up how it feels on the receiving end?
5944889
Eh, true.
Do one with the CMC.
7235048
I had planned on that before. But, the series has been discontinued sadly.
5739454 cause its mostly horny males reading this stuff
This is adorable