Short Flights And Failed Takeoffs

by Snakeskin Ducttape

Pony People With Pony Names

NEW author's notes, now with color! So, like, the original is the one at the bottom, which it seems like Orbiting Kettle likes (thanks, man ). Then he thought it could benefit from some polish, which if you'll read it, you'll find out is the case. However, since this story was a bit of a time-trial for me, I thought I might as well keep my old little one-shot, and include Kettle's new suggestion

So, Orbiting Kettle new and improved version of Pony People With Pony Names (and I hope my over-clarification doesn't come across as sarcasm, I just haven't had anyone building on something I've written before, this is actually really exciting ):

Tommy Gun leaned back in his chair with a satisfied grin. His grand plan was still going on despite the traitors and backstabbers that had been hiding among his own ponies. But that was the past. His new second had cleaned up the shop, brought the grunts back on track and was leading the pigs on a merry chase far away form the Westside Laundry business. He had to admit it, that stallion had an uncanny skill in staying always one step ahead of the cops and ratting out turncoats. Tommy Gun grabbed a cigar and lighted it, a smug grin as skewed as his tax-forms on his muzzle. Hiring Sting Operation has been the best thing he had ever done.

That's was Kettle's improved version, here's my intentionally rushed original:

In a mansion overlooking an old suburb of Manehatten, Tommygun leaned back in his chair. Everything was going according to plan. His operations had taken a hit after the ousting of several traitors among his old guard. But the pigs had been running around like clueless foals after he placed his new wiseguy in charge of several operations, the same stallion who had busted the aforementioned traitors. In just a few months, he had managed to fool the cops away from the money laundering on westside completely. With any luck, his recent losses would be recuperated and then some. Yeah, Tommygun thought with satisfaction, that stallion, Sting Operation, has an uncanny ability to stay ahead of the law. He was the best damn enforcer he had ever hired.

Author's Note:

I wanted a short story with only one paragraph. I had to cheat.

Comments

[Orbiting Kettle]

Hmmm, I quite liked this las idea but I feel it somehow should be articulated in a bit of a different way.

[Snakeskin Ducttape]

7289937 If you're talking about Pony People With Pony Names in particular, I was just gonna see how fast I could write a short fic with a single joke. I think it was somewhere around 250 seconds

How would you articulate it?

[Orbiting Kettle]

Well, kudos for that then. I'm a very slow writer and in 250 seconds I can barely put together a half coherent sentence. For my own five sentence story (nothing pony related) I needed about an hour.

As for Pony People With Pony Names, I think I would cut out a few parts to make it flow faster. Currently I think I got the joke before the punchline, which diminished the effect (just to be clear, I still like it). I think you need to be as lean as possible so that reading and comprehension go along at more or less the same rate.

[ssokolow]

That name makes me think of "Angels With Filthy Souls" (The fake gangster movie in Home Alone).

[DerpTape]

I have had the headcanon that ponies are magically oblivious to the fact that their names are connected to their personalities/jobs/special talents. Even if it were to be pointed out, it would simply go over their heads.

[Snakeskin Ducttape]

10003937
Heh, that's an interesting take on it. I guess a human fic could become pretty funny if that's the case. A human would be be able to become a pretty skilled fortune teller, especially if they also don't realize that their cutie marks are pretty obvious give-aways as well.

"The name's Applejack," said pony proudly declared.

"Let me guess," the human said. "You work with apples?"

Applejack, and everypony around her, looked at each other and murmured a bit nervously. "Uncanny."