38: Discord Makes Toast!
The object towered over Princess Celestia like a brooding monolith. It was a mass of metal; shiny and bold. The object, some sort of rectangular structure of enigmatic simplicity, cast a shadow over the room. Its dark silhouette blanketed the throne room in a deep despair and yet its mystery begged wonder. As the object was pushed slowly towards her an excited male voice sang. “DUUUUUUUUUH! DAAAAAAAAA! DUUUUUUUUH!” The object stopped right in front of Celestia, the early morning sun was visible overhead, casting a soft orange light on the metal. “DUH! NAAAAAAAA…! Boom! Bum! Boom! Bum! Boom! Bum! Boom! Bum!” Discord’s face appeared next to the monolith with a large smile.
Celestia’s curiosity got the better of her. “What… is it?”
Discord made an undignified sound of excitement. “It is a toaster!” He clutched the side of the box and winced. “Oh, I’m so sorry, my dear. I didn’t mean to be rude. I couldn’t possibly compare you to the common rabble.” He turned back to face Celestia. “It is the greatest toaster in the universe. The Master Toaster, if you will.”
“What?”
“I had the entire population of Quaaga telepathically linked so they could spend their time thinking up solutions to the world’s problems. You know, in the interest of world peace. Though chaos. Though careful deliberation the Quaagan think-tank produced two viable solutions to the world’s problems. The first of which was cheese. Manehatten cheddar, to be precise. I’m not sure exactly what they wanted me to do with that particular dairy product, but they demanded cheese and lots of it.” Discord coughed a few times. “Anyway, this is the second thing they came up with, and I think as you’ll soon see, it’s a real winner. The Master Toaster! This bad boy can toast not only toast, but bread as well.” He leaned down and pinched Celestia’s cheeks. “Think of the possibilities! It draws over eight hundred billion watts of magic to run. If it were hooked up to the magic electrical grid it would cost four thousand sixty seven bits to power this toaster… for five seconds.”
“Lovely.” Celestia said, deadpan.
“Oh, Celestia. You’re so stolid. You we’re never like that before your mother died.” Discord pulled the edges of Celestia’s mouth into a creepily wide grin. “Come on and smile, smile, smile! Please? Won’t you fill my heart up with sunshine? I mean, I know that soon my revenge will be complete and you’ll be doomed to a life of failure and misery with only the fond memories of how peaceful your kingdom once was to keep you from melting into a puddle of sobbing fur, feathers, and hooves every night. Forced to spend the rest of eternity wallowing in… whatever ponies are supposed to wallow in… but really, Celestia, you should get your chuckles in now before it’s too late.” Celestia snapped her jaw at Discord’s claws. “Oh! Still feisty. Good.” Discord leaned in and his eyes ignited into hot flames. His voice dropped an octave and he snarled. “That’s going to make breaking your spirit even more enjoyable.”
“Just try it.” Celestia whispered. “I’m not beaten yet.”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Please, Celestia, the only thing I’m worried about by this point is how much my sides are going to hurt from my victory laugh.” Discord placed his paw in front of his mouth and cleared his throat. “HAHAHAHA! Ha ha! Ha hum ha! Ha….” He smiled widely. “But not to worry. As you can plainly see, I’ve been practicing. Stretching my diaphragm, doing breathing exercises, the whole nine yards. I’m fairly confident I won’t blow a lung when the time comes.”
“How can you be so confident that your victory is assured?” Celestia said as she pressed back into Discord’s gaze. “I think you’re underestimating me and my student. Perhaps you forget that we have triumphed over you twice so far. Perhaps you forget Twilight thwarted your last plan in no greater than the timespan of one afternoon. What makes your current plan so great?”
Discord sat down next to the alicorn and sighed. He leaned against the pony and gazed up at the magic mirror that took up most of the room. “Celestia, look for a moment.” His tail pressed a button of a small crystal device. The magic mirror flashed to life and images of the world in chaos filled its surface. “If you’re talking about if I’ll plummet the world into madness then you’re late to the party. I’ve done that. No, my plan is nothing short of breaking your spirit. Taking your little heart and crushing it in my metaphorical claw. I’ve not made my intentions a secret. You of all ponies should know by now.” He clicked the remote again and the mirror turned blank. With a heavy sigh he leaned his weight against the pony. “What you don’t know is how I’m planning on doing it. So to put your mind at ease.” Discord leaned in to the pony’s ear. “I was thinking…” He said quietly. “Perhaps I should tell you…” His serpent-like tongue was a hair’s width away from her ear. “That my plan is…” He whispered into her ear.
Celestia’s eyes widened as she listened to what the draconequus said. She felt her breath stop as his hissing words tickled her ear. She felt her other ear fold downwards and her eye twitch as the ramifications of his words embedded themselves in her thoughts. Her mouth fell slightly agape, something that in nearly two thousand years, had not happened. As his hissing explanation finished, Celestia could only say a few words. “Twilight would never…” She whispered.
Discord leaned backwards and smiled. “Oh, she will. I’ve seen her dreams. I’ve changed around some of them too. She most certainly will.”
“But… Luna wouldn’t wish for that. She’s selfish, but she wouldn’t let Twilight go through with that…” Celestia said quietly.
“It doesn’t matter what little Lulu wants. It’s not her decision. It’s Twilight’s.” Discord gently patted Celestia’s withers. “And that’s all that matters really. Luna has already turned on you and your little alicorn code. You’ve been dethroned and abandoned by all the ponies you care about. With the exception of one little purple unicorn. An exception that won’t last long.”
“Twilight would never. It wouldn’t just be about abandoning me… she would be…”
“Love is a powerful thing, Celestia.” He picked up the chain that held the alicorn to the throne. “Enough to break through my magic even. But sadly… in Twilight’s case… misplaced and unfocused. A very powerful thing indeed. And very chaotic.”
“Lies…” Celestia hissed.
“And when she’s abandoned you, when everyone has abandoned you… when everypony has casted you off like some forgotten statue to gather bird waste in some garden… you’ll be broken.”
Celestia looked up at the creature. “Is that what this is all about? You want me to feel how you felt all those years ago? You went mad, Discord. I may have done some terrible things but I’m not the only one at fault here. You went insane. Everything you were you stopped being and you became this monster.”
“I’M NOT A MONSTER!” Discord bellowed. His features gradually calmed back down and he whispered back to the pony. “I am not a monster.”
“I see now….” Celestia chuckled darkly. “Is that what you want? An apology for leaving you?”
“Now there’s a thought….” Discord floated backwards and leaned against his toaster. He looked up at the ceiling pensively. “Hm…. Could the unfathomably proud Celestia actually give an apology?”
Celestia inhaled deeply. “Yes.... Happy?”
Discord shook his head. “You didn’t say the actual words. I’m afraid it doesn’t count.”
“I’m…” Celestia gulped. “So… Sor…. I’m bucking sorry, okay?” Discord did not react to her comment. “For… leaving you. For letting you suffer.”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Better than nothing, I suppose. And I’m sorry for turning the world into a bowl of chaotic soup.” He gave her a weak smile and a wink. “Though it was a bowl full of fun if you ask me.”
“Apology… accepted.” Celestia winced.
“Well.” Discord huffed, fighting back a sob. “I suppose now that we’ve both apologized for our actions that’s it then?” He raised his claw and prepared to snap his fingers. “I suppose I should put the world back to the way it was. It’s clearly better my way but… I’ll admit it’s probably just a tiny bit inconvenient for the rest of the populace. They don’t have the power to warp reality after all so…” Discord’s eyes watered.
Celestia looked upwards at the draconequus hopefully. “Really?”
Discord nodded with a gentle smile. He snapped his fingers. There was a brilliant flash of light. A single flower, possessing a beauty beyond all imagination, sprouted and reached its petals up towards the sun. At that moment Celestia’s heart fluttered with hope. The moment was shattered when she noticed the flower was growing out of her ear.
Discord bellowed. “Of course not! I want the world this way. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I’m Discord, the master of chaos! You think you can boss Discord around? You think I’m just going to turn all this back because you say so? Because if I don’t I’ll lose the one friend I ever had?” Discord broke in to a fit of laughter. He pointed to the flower growing out of Celestia’s ear. “Do you have manure for brains, Celestia?” He rolled around on the ground, kicking his feet in the air. “I don’t need friends when I have you, Twilight, and Lulu to play with. Oh you should see the look on your face. Priceless! You actually for a moment thought I cared about all that stuff in the past? Bahaha! That’s too good.” He clutched at his sides. “Ohohoh! My laughing parts. They hurt so much. I guess I still need to do more diaphragm stretching. I wasn’t prepared for how sad that little mug of yours looked when you actually thought… Oh, dear chaos! That’s rich.”
“Then why so much trouble for revenge?” Celestia said with a huff.
“Because it’s fun! Honestly, haven’t you noticed that’s why I do everything? Bah, but enough of this idle chatter. I’m going to make breakfast!” Discord pushed the overly large toaster, with some effort, over to the other side of the throne room. “Brainwashed ponies! Fetch me some bread to make toast!”
“Hm… we’ll see whose sides hurt from a victory laugh. I’m not beaten yet.” Celestia huddled over fragments of metal that were in a pile on the floor. She glanced up at Discord who was preoccupied with his toaster. Quietly and quickly the alicorn worked on sliding the pieces of metal around on the floor with her hooves. She lowered her head down close to the pile of metal, squinting at the pieces and inspecting every detail of them. She rotated one of the pieces to try and fit in together with another one. She glanced up from her work to catch a pony walking past her. “Pst! Wind Strider, over here!”
The desaturated pink pegasus turned around slowly. “Me?” Celestia nodded. “Discord says that we’re not supposed to talk to alicorns.”
“Then don’t talk. Just listen. Two can play at your game, Discord.” Celestia said as she put a hoof around the pegasus. “Now, Commander Wind Strider, I want you to think. Think about who you really are and remember. You were Shining Armor’s protégé. You were going to replace him when he retired from being the captain of the guard. You’re the pony that everypony turns to when they need a smile. You make jokes, you love to bring ponies out of their shells.”
Wind Strider nodded, his eyes rolling around in his head. A bit of color twinkled on his hooves. “Uh….”
“You who would sit in the gardens and write sweet love poems to some mare you hadn’t met yet, then practice reciting them to the statuary. You who always eats a daisy sandwich every day for lunch in the courtyard. You who were almost rejected from joining the royal guard because at training you tripped and fell into my Hearts and Hooves Day cake.”
With an audible pop, Wind Strider’s color retuned and his vacant expression vanished. “I… uh… What’s going on? What happened? Dear Celestia! What happened to you, Princess Celestia?! You look terri… good. You look good. Never better actually. Why do you have your leg around me?”
Celestia pushed Wind Strider away slightly. “Listen carefully. Discord has brainwashed the castle staff and taken over Equestria. I need your help to defeat him.”
Wind Strider looked over at the draconequus, who was peering inside the large toaster. “The Elements of Harmony… I’ll fetch them from the chamber and somehow get them to….”
“Twilight Sparkle already has the Elements. However I fear they may not be of any use this time.” Celestia thought for a moment. “At least not in their conventional use…. Yes…” With a threat as great as Discord we must all do our parts to protect Equestria. Worry not; I have an idea.”
“What must I do?”
Celestia quickly uncovered the shards of metal she was sitting on. “This is what is left of the Amulet of Silence. Princess Luna smashed it to prevent its use on me, however I believe I might be able to repair it.”
“I thought you said no pony could repair centuarian magitek? You told Storm Dancer that when you smashed the Amulet of Null!”
“I lied. I… tend to do that often, unfortunately. I have spent thousands of years studying these artifacts and I think I can fix this one. I don’t think I can restore the amulet to what it was, but I think I can use the magical essence it has to create something new. Something that might just save the world.” Celestia leaned in and whispered. “However I will need a few supplies. I am currently chained to this throne, but because Discord thinks you are brainwashed you are free to walk about the castle.”
“Whatever you need, your highness, I’ll get it for you. I promise.” In the background a loud gong sounded. Discord clapped his hands together and pulled a slice of toast out of the toaster.
“Good. First there’s something I need you to fetch for me. Over there, on the couch made of feathers and syrup is a small device Discord uses to control the giant mirror he uses to watch over Equestria. Go get me that device. With it, I can use the mirror when Discord isn’t around. We’ll need it to understand what Twilight is up to and how we can best help her.”
“I will fetch it posthaste!”
“Remember, focus on keeping Discord fooled. He mustn’t know you have left his ranks. We need to bide time until I can turn my idea into a full-fledged plan. Go! He mustn’t see us talking.”
Discord held the piece of toast in his claws. “Hm….” He said with a puzzled expression. “It still needs something…. Ah! I know.” Discord snapped his fingers. With a flash of light a school-aged filly appeared next to him.
“Wha…? Where I am?” The frightened filly whimpered.
“Ah good. Little Diamond Tiara, correct?” The tiny pony cowered in fear under the shadow of the large mismatched creature. “So sorry to disturb you, but I have a quick quiz.”
“Q… Quiz?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“Yes. Say, if your teacher took your class on a… shall we say, excursion? Yes. If Miss Cheerielee took your class on an excursion to Manehatten to see the sights what would you call such an activity?”
“A… field trip?” The small pony said with confusion. Suddenly the room was shaken by thunder. Clouds appeared and green rain poured into the throne room.
“Ah, good. Guacamole rain. The perfect topping to dry toast.” Discord smiled as he snapped his fingers. “Very well. You may go now.” A trap door opened up underneath Diamond Tiara and she plummeted off into darkness. Celestia gasped. Discord looked over his shoulder and smiled. “No need to worry. She’ll be fine. I’m pretty sure that chute ends in pillows.” A violent scream emitted from the chute. “Oh… or sharks. It might have been sharks.” A puff of feathers billowed up from the trap door. “Ah! I remember now. Pillow Sharks. Sharks made of pillows. They’ve got cushions for fins and tassels for teeth.” Discord giggled. “I love being me.”
“Rise and shine, everypony!” Twilight Sparkle shouted as she shook each of her friends awake. “Today’s the day! Today’s the day we defeat Discord!” The unicorn’s cheery voice was met with a various assortment of groans and grunts from her friends. Applejack yawned as she walked away from the airship’s steering wheel and collapsed asleep in the corner of the room. “Come on, come on! Up and at ‘em, everypony!” Twilight engulfed her friends in her magic and gave them a quick shake in the air.
“Oh, come on!” Rainbow Dash moaned. “The sun is barely up, Twi. Just five more minutes.”
Pinkie Pie yawned. “Even I’m not this energetic in the morning.” The pudgy pink pony giggled. “Unless it’s funny.”
Twilight nodded. “Alright! I’ve got your assignments for the day. Rarity, you’ll be helping Fluttershy fly the airship. Applejack, you’ll be in charge of making sure the engine keeps running. Dashie, you’re going to be my personal assistant for researching this Icosaflux thing since Spike is back in Ponyville. And Pie, you’ll be the ship’s cook. So go make breakfast.” Twilight stared at her friends’ unmoving bodies for a moment. Her left eye twitched. “Move it!” The other ponies jumped up at Twilight’s yell and scurried around the room to their duties.
Pinkie Pie leaned over from the doorframe and smiled. “Okay, breakfast. Doesn’t anypony else have a strange craving for guacamole toast right now?”
“Just go make something!” Twilight barked back, and with that remark the pink baker pony vanished from view. The other ponies all departed the room in search of their tasks for the day, with the exception of Fluttershy and Rarity, who were posted to the navigation room. Once satisfied with her leadership, Twilight walked down the staircase out of the navigation room and into the cargo hold, where her books and chalkboard were kept. She nodded at Rainbow Dash as she enter the room and made haste to bury her snout in the ancient tome once more.
Rainbow Dash approached her friend’s side slowly, as if she were a timid woodland creature she was trying not to scare. The cyan pegasus sat down next to Twilight and smiled. “Uh, hi.”
“Yes, Dash?” Twilight said with some irritation.
“I was just checking to see how you were doing today?”
“The day just started. I’m doing fine. Why does everypony keep asking me that?” Twilight turned to face Rainbow Dash. “And everypony yesterday was so nice to me.”
Rainbow chuckled. “Shouldn’t we be nice to you, Twilight? You are our friend after all.”
“Well sure. But it’s like all of you think I’m this fragile little filly right now. I’m fine. I mean… probably when this is all over I have some thinking to…” Twilight shook her head. “No. I’m fine. End of story, thanks for asking.”
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “If you say so. Though, Twilight, if you ever want somepony to talk to I’d be more than happy to….”
“Thanks, Dash. But I really am fine.” Twilight nodded.
“Well just in case you aren’t, I have a surprise for you.” Rainbow Dash leaned over and picked up a wrapped object. “A present. Kind of.” The pegasus slid a large rectangular panel over to Twilight.
Twilight’s ears folded back and she shook her head. “I’m not really in the mood for surprises right now, Dash.” Twilight pulled the wrapper of the object partially. She stopped removing the paper when she recognized what it was immediately. She suddenly found herself at her own face, surrounded by the woods of the Everfree Forest. “This is…”
Rainbow smiled with pride. “Yeah. I thought you could use some cheering up. I grabbed it from the library before we took off.”
“Why did you bring this here?”
“I thought it might remind you of Princess Luna. You know, everypony needs something to fight for, right? And who knows? If the power of friendship can’t help this time, maybe the power of love or whatever can.” Rainbow leaned over and inspected the painting. “She sure can paint, can’t she? I especially like what she did with your eyes. Very beautiful.”
“Beaut….”
Rainbow Dash quickly interrupted Twilight. “I mean the painting is top notch. High quality stuff.”
Twilight flipped the painting over. Come find me in the courtyard was still scribbled on the back in dark ink. She shuddered as the violent images of that day filled her mind. “She painted this the day that monster Storm Dancer attacked us. Or rather he attacked me to get to her.” Twilight sighed and replaced the wrapper on the painting.
Rainbow’s ears folded back with concern. “What’s the matter? Don’t you want to look at it?”
Twilight shook her head. “I’ve sure had rotten luck recently. Perhaps… not all of it was random chance….”
Princess Luna soared though the sky. She had already been to Ponyville in search of Twilight Sparkle. She had roamed about aimlessly looking for her fillyfriend only to be informed from Applebloom that Twilight had go off to Tartarus in search of some “artsy-fact” as the young filly had put it. Luna winced at the thought of Twilight braving the dangers of Tartarus. It was not that she doubted her fillyfriend’s capabilities or thought her weak, but Luna had been witness to many of the dangerous beasts her sister had locked away in that pit. She tried her best to keep the pictures out of her head. Despite her best efforts she still was haunted by images of the Jabberwocky’s teeth cutting through a purple coat, or the giant spiders slowly wrapping Twilight in a cocoon. She shook her head to clear her thoughts.
With a mighty thump Luna landed on the checkered ground. She bent her head back to nurse her sore wings. Between making the flight from Canterlot to Ponyville and starting the flight to Tartarus she was very tired. She spread one of her wings out and began picking at the feathers, pulling on the primaries and straining the rest. She glanced upwards at the sky. “Oh, Twilight. Where are you?” She squinted and scanned the horizon for the airship Applebloom had told her contained her love, but the skyline was empty. Just as she craned her neck around to look again she heard a small sound.
Tink! Tink!
She glanced downward and gasped. Surrounding her hooves were several tiny bipedal creatures that were holding spears. The creatures began to shout with their tiny high-pitched voices and attack, rather futilely, at Luna’s hooves. “Surrender giant! We have you surrounded!” A rather eager one of the creatures jabbed his spear into the side of Luna’s hoof, until the spear was embedded in the hoof.
“Ow!” Luna said as she lifted her injured hoof up. “What was that for?”
The one with the broken spear yelled. “We have slayed you, giant!”
Luna glanced around for a moment. “Slayed?”
The tiny creature, who appeared to speak for the group, pounded the butt of his spear on the ground and shouted far too loudly for his size. “Yes! Slayed! Slew! Now fall down and finish dying!”
Luna leaned down and brought her snout close to the small creature as the rest of the swarm continued to attack her hooves. “Are you little tiny creatures made of… marshmallow?”
The leader creature huffed as though he was offended. “We are the Minimarshmillions of the Endless Checkered Fields! We have been placed in charge of guarding Tartarus! Now fall and die!”
Luna smiled for a bit. “Tartarus! My friends are traveling to there; have you seen which way their airship went?”
“Of course we saw the airship! We Minimarshmillions see everything!” The leader of the swarm proudly boasted as he drove a spear into the top of Luna’s snout.
“Then you must tell… Ow! That hurts!”
“You have not died yet? How have you survived my mighty spear? Are you an immortal goddess?”
“Well… yes…. Now about my friends….” Luna asked with a pleading voice.
“Your friends are irrelevant! You will come with us and be our queen!” The tiny creatures began to climb up Luna’s legs. She felt herself tip and fall on her side. The creatures hoisted her off the ground and began to drag her. If anything, she was impressed with their strength for such a small size.
“WHAT?” Luna said as she struggled to remove the tiny creatures’ hands from her mane. “I don’t even know you. You… said you were trying to kill me! What are you? Why do you need a queen? You’re little marshmallow creatures!”
The leader of the swarm jumped atop Luna’s snout and shouted at her eyeballs. “We are the Minimarshmillions of the Endless Checkered Fields! We were created by the unfathomably handsome god of chaos to—”
The swarm chanted over top of its leader. “—All hail Discord!”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Oh… that explains everything.”
All at once, all of the Minimarshmillions saluted and shouted. “All hail Discord!” They tapped their spears on the ground twice in rhythmic percussion and then looked up at Luna pleadingly.
“All… hail… Discord?” Luna said with some uncertainty.
The leader of the swarm crossed his arms and nodded. “Yes, hail Discord. We were created by him to—”
“—Hail him!” The swarm shouted with stomps and spear slams.
The leader shouted back at the swarm from atop Luna’s snout. “—Yes! Hail! Right! We were created by him to guard Tartarus and let no pony enter! Unfortunately, the great and powerful Discord—”
“—All hail—” said a voice from the back of the swarm.
“—Thank you!” The leader shouted back. “He forgot to create for us a queen. Until our queen is found I, Minimarshmillion number forty-seven, have taken the role of leadership.”
The crowd stomped and hollered. “All pay respect in a way that is significantly less than that of hailing to number forty-seven!”
“Respect!” A voice from the back of the swarm shouted a bit off-tempo.
Smoke blew out of the leader’s ears. “Yesthankyou! But now our search is over! We have found our queen!”
Luna shook her head. “Me? I’m not a queen. I am a princess.”
The leader of the Minimarshmillion swarm let his jaw drop. “Bah! This one was not worthy of becoming a queen? You are defective? We have no use for princesses! Slay the beast, again!”
Luna pushed a few of the members of the swarm off her mane as they pricked her with spears. “Well I wouldn’t say ‘not worthy’ exactly…. And I don’t think you actually know what the word ‘slay’ means.”
The swarm shouted back. “Not worthy!”
A voice from the back of the swarm shouted with vigor “She’s pretty! I mean… not worthy!”
Luna looked down at the leader of the swarm and lifted her head up high to make herself look imposing. “Now look here… Ow! That’s a royal ear you just stabbed! Look here, number seventy-four....”
“Number forty-seven!” The leader corrected.
“All pay respect in a way that is significantly less than that of hailing to number forty-seven!” The swarm bellowed.
“Would you shut up?! Now look here, marshmallow creature. I’m just looking for my friends. They were in an airship headed to Tartarus. Now did they pass by here and if so which way did they go?”
The “We are the Minimarshmillions of the Endless Checkered Fields! We will never talk! Fellow Minimarshmillions, set your pointy-sticks to maximum pain!”
“I swear on my sister’s fat sunburnt flank I will eat you in one bite if you don’t answer my question!”
“You would not! We are far too mighty!”
“Do not underestimate the raw power of the gullet of the night!”
“We are the mighty Minimarsh—Oh! Put me down! Put me down! Don’t eat me! Don’t eat meeeeeeeeeee!” The tiny creature wiggled against Luna’s lips as she lifted him high in the air.
“Now…” Luna said as she tried to talk around the creature in her mouth. “Tell me where the airship went!”
“Never! You obviously seek to venture to Tartarus as well and we are in charge of guarding it for the god of… Gah! Teeth! Your teeth are crushing me! I submit! The airship is flying south! The wind keeps blowing it off course and we’re fairly certain that the pilot doesn’t have the faintest idea how to fly that contraption! Now spit me out! Spit me out!”
“Spit him out!” The swarm chanted.
“Swallow him!” A voice from the back of the swarm said. “Then make number thirty three the leader!”
“Phft!” Luna said as she spit the leader out of her mouth. “Fine then. Thank you for your help. Hopefully this can bring our two kingdoms closer together… blah blah blah….”
The leader rubbed the spot where he landed. “What kingdom do you have? You are only a princess! A defective queen!”
“Arrogant whelp! Straight to the gullet with thou!” Luna said as she leapt downwards to bite the creature.
“No wait! The Minimarshmillions of the Endless Checkered Fields apologize! Besides your friends will never get over the Great Wall of Gelatin we built around Tartarus!”
Luna quickly sized up the small creature. “I’m fairly certain an airship can make it over a wall built by something as small as you.”
“Do not underestimate our power! We will be back! With a queen and better pointy pony pokey sticks!” And with a dull purple flash the tiny creatures were gone.
Luna stood dumbfounded. “They can… teleport? I never understand what goes through Discord’s mind when thinks up these things.” Luna looked to the southern skyline. “I’m on my way, my love.”
The airship groaned on as it soared through the sky. Multicolored clouds shaped like various fruits buzzed around the airship like flies near a bowl of processed sugar. Fluttershy carefully worked the controls to avoid colliding with the floating obstacles. The airship leaned back and forth as it swerved around the clouds. Rarity winced and chattered endlessly about the quality of Fluttershy’s piloting as she leaned against the window that looked out of the front of the navigation cabin.
Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash climbed the stairs into the navigation cabin together and were greeted energetically by Pinkie Pie. The purple unicorn hefted the large tome full of descriptions of magical artifacts. She set the tome down in a corner of the room and trotted over to where Fluttershy was standing. “Are we back on course yet, Fluttershy?” She asked the yellow pegasus. The airship wobbled as Fluttershy leaned into the controls, startled by Twilight’s volume.
“Oh… I’m trying, Twilight, but there’s these strong winds that keep changing directions and all of these obstacles in the sky. It’s been difficult to keep the ship flying in straight line.”
Rarity leaned back from the windowsill and sighed. “The poor dear isn’t exaggerating, Twilight. We’ve been dodging fruit flies and various backwards facing birds the size of small houses. I think there was a storm of apple pies raining upwards at one point. Though that might have been a hunger hallucination.” Rarity said as her stomach growled.
Twilight nodded. “Go take a break and get something to eat for lunch, Rarity. I’ll take over watching for airborne obstacles.”
“Why thank you, Twilight Sparkle! My eyes were getting a bit dreary from all that squinting at the horizon.” Rarity turned to leave.
Pinkie Pie held up a hoof and stopped Rarity from leaving. “Hold on! You can’t let her do that! Twilight is emotionally and physically exhausted from all of the bad juju that’s been happening lately.”
“Tur… Pie… That’s not true. Look at me! I’m as fit as a fiddle and happy to boot!” Twilight grinned widely.
Rainbow Dash put a hoof on Twilight’s withers. “Nah, Twi. They’re right, let me take over for Rarity. You’ve been under a lot of stress lately. Go rest.”
“I’m fine, Dash.” Twilight said as she gently removed Rainbow’s hoof from her back. “Really I am. I’m don’t know what it is, but lately I’ve been just carefree. Odd, right, considering all the chaos that’s going on right now?”
“That’s just it, Twi.” Rainbow said trying her best to mimic Twilight’s lecture tone. “We have been thinking…” Rainbow leaned over and eyed Rarity who sheepishly rubbed her hooves together. “We all have been thinking that perhaps you’ve checked out a bit. Not to say that this whole optimism isn’t working or welcome, but it’s just that…”
Applejack poked her head up from the staircase as she entered the room. “Ya been a mite too cheery today considerin’ the circumstances.”
Twilight blinked a few times. “So you’re saying I’m too happy? And that’s a bad thing?”
Applejack nervously tapper her hooves on the ground as she withered underneath Twilight’s harsh gaze. “We’re just saying that it’s a bit unnatural, considerin’. Ya had a whole lotta responsibility thrown on yer shoulders and on top of that ya didn’t leave things with Luna in what one might call a ‘stable condition’. We’re just worried that you’re pushing down your emotions and that ain’t healthy.”
Twilight’s left eye twitched. “I’m fine. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Rainbow Dash jutted a hoof in Twilight’s direction. “And your eye keeps doing that blink-y thing.”
“I’m perfectly fine!” Twilight shouted. “In fact I’m far better than…” Twilight’s mouth clamped closed when she was interrupted by a loud knocking sound. The ponies of the room fell silent and glanced around the cabin of the airship. “Is… somepony at the door?” Twilight stared over at the entrance of the cabin. “We’re high up in the air. How could anypony be at the door?”
Rainbow Dash wiggled her wings in front of Twilight’s face. “Uh. Duh. Pegasi probably.” Rainbow moved towards the door and opened it.
Twilight stood dumbfounded as she stared at the open doorway. Wind rushed in from the outside of the airship. Twilight’s left eye twitched. “Luna…!”
“Twilight….” Princess Luna began as she stepped into the cabin. Rarity shut the door behind the alicorn, upset with what the wind was doing to her mane. “I… uh…. Hello.” Luna said timidly.
“What…?” Twilight looked confused.
Luna looked down at the floor. “Am I doing here? I’m here to help, Twilight.”
“Well nice of you to show up and help.” Twilight said with a huff. “Nice of you to care. After sitting in the castle moping for five days.”
Luna blinked a few times. Her face mirrored Twilight’s earlier confusion. After a short pause, she tilted her head and spoke quietly. “Nice of you to be the tiniest bit grateful or at least show concern for my safety. I had to run from Discord to get here, I’ll have you know.” Luna put on a pout, trying her best to look adorable. She wasn’t sure exactly what game they were currently playing, but she was sure she was not liking it.
Twilight flicked a hoof in the air. “Well it sure seems that the royal sarcasm is perfectly safe to me!”
Rarity quickly glanced at the others. “Oh d-dear.” She said with a noticeable quaver in her voice. The white unicorn gathered up all the ponies except Twilight and Luna and hastily shoved the down the stairs into the engine room of the airship. “Twilight and the Princess are going to need some space. Let’s just… retire to this room for a bit….”
Luna waited for the other ponies. “You’re upset?” Luna said with a surprised tone.
“Of course I’m upset! I’ve been through Tartarus and back… and… and… that’s about to be literally true as well. I’ve been drugged, nearly stabbed to death, witnessed my hometown destroyed, my mentor since I was a little filly doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me anymore! I’ve tried to make concessions for you, but, Luna, you lied to me about Nightmare Moon. Princess Cel…”
“Oh here it comes. Nightmare Moon this and Nightmare Moon that. Of course I lied to you about her existence! Everypony thinks I’m a monster! You think I wanted that to get in the way of what we have?” Luna placed a hoof to her mouth and thought for a moment. “And, for the record, I didn’t lie to you about her. You never once asked me if she was still around. You didn’t really ask anything about me.”
“That’s not true at all!” Twilight stomped on the floor in anger. “I asked all about your past but you wouldn’t tell me any of it until you felt bad for…you know… DESTORYING A CITY!”
Luna shook her hoof at Twilight as she stuttered. “That’s…. that’s not true. I told you a few things before then!”
“Oh yeah… your time on the moon was soooo interesting.” Twilight paused briefly. “Actually, come to think of it, it was incredibly informative. It was a rare peek into how disturbed your mind was. I should have taken it as hint and abandoned ship!”
“Abandon... Twilight, what’s going on?”
Twilight began to pace around the room. “Maybe my brother was right. I’m just a toy. By Tartarus! I could even just be a way to stick it to your sister.” Twilight cowered on the ground and winced. “You probably don’t even care about me.”
“Hey! I do care deeply about you, Twilight! I protected you from that maniac, Storm Dancer. Even though I was nearly drained of magic and beaten to a pulp I did everything I could to keep you safe.”
Twilight’s eye twitched. “Storm Dancer was your fault! He was only after you! If we weren’t dating he would have never even bothered me! I could have died, just by being associated with you!”
“Surely you don’t think I’m at fault for the actions of one crazy pony, do you? You’re being ridiculous!”
Twilight threw her hooves up in the air. “Oh, so now I’m ridiculous? Stupid, also, right? Hysterical?”
“You’re putting words in my mouth! I didn’t say…. I protected you from him! I risked…!”
“You didn’t risk anything!” Twilight said, turning her back to Luna. “You’re immortal. You were perfectly safe the whole time. I was the only one in danger of serious injury. This whole ordeal has been one giant train wreck. If our love was so forbidden by alicorn law, which thanks for telling me, by the way, was so Celestia-damned important that a city could be destroyed over it, why did you start anything in the first place?! Why drag me down into this nightmare?”
Luna scoffed. “Thou art thick! Don’t you remember? You kissed me! I didn’t start this. I didn’t want to act on those feelings. I was content just being by myself! Then you went and forced it.” Luna turned around in place and the jutted a hoof at Twilight. “And how darest thou usest the term, ‘nightmare’!? Thou knowest nothing about the dreams of infernal beasts!”
Twilight stumbled on her hooves. “What?!” Twilight used her magic to make her mane appear to flow freely in the air as if she were a royal. “Oh lookest at me-est! I art Luna, creature of despair and sorrow.” Twilight said in a mockingly high whine. “I’m so tortured and deep and mysterious and BLAH! Get over yourself! Yes, you we’re bucking banished. Now you’re back. Yes, I agree your foalhood was terrible. But you’re four-thousand years old. Act your age, please.”
Luna scoffed again. “Act my age? This from you? You’re acting like a little foal!”
“Well you would know, great-great-great-great-great-great grandma!”
“Oh, now you’re just being petty.” Luna said in a catty tone.
“How dare you? How dare you call me petty? This from the pony that nearly killed the whole world because ponies used the nighttime for sleeping.”
Luna took a few steps backwards. Her ears folded down and she looked as though she was about to cry. “Why are you attacking me like this? I’m sorry. I wish I could do more to fix the past, but I can’t. I said I was sorry. Before you left for Ponyville. When you spent the night next to me… I thought… that night….” Luna lowered herself down to the ground and nearly curled up into a shambling mess of sobs.
Twilight looked down at the sight and winced. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’m just… I just can’t do this anymore.”
Luna’s lip quivered. “Everything is not okay between us… is it?”
Twilight gave a heavy sigh as a response and avoided Luna’s glance. “Luna… Today I’ve been thinking.”
Luna crawled forward and attempted to drape a wing around the unicorn. “Twilight, please don’t do this. Don’t just…”
Twilight brushed Luna’s wing aside and sighed. “You see, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this morning. It had to be this morning, because I tried everything possible to keep from thinking about this beforehand. Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. It’s not like I can keep ignoring all this. Even after I learned about the sun stuck in the sky, I just put off thinking through my feelings.”
Luna shuddered. “Oh, by Nótt don’t do this, Twilight!” The larger pony tried to press up against the unicorn’s side. “Listen we can….”
“It’s just everything got so complicated. I’m starting to think… even though I care for you a lot.” Twilight looked up at Luna and wrapped her hoof around the larger pony’s own. “And I do, by the way, care for you a lot. I just think we’re better off.... What I mean to say is…. Things became so complicated. Look at what our relationship has wrought: enough chaos to break the seal on Discord, for Celestia’s sake! It’s just… with that stupid Code of the Alicorns in the way….”
Luna jumped backwards and lowered her head to Twilight’s eye level. “I told you we should have just kept it a secret! We didn’t need to tell her! We could have lied! When we went to see her…”
“I don’t understand why you didn’t just break up with me then! If that’s what the consequences would have been… why didn’t you just… end it? I know I told you I didn’t want to leave you, but you should have done the right thing. We could have avoided all this.”
Luna slammed her hoof on the floor. Despite her lack of magic, thunder crashed outside. “Perhaps because when a pony is around Twilight Sparkle they get swept off their hooves. They feel loved once again after thousands of years of loneliness. They learn that even dark secrets of the past don’t seem to bother that perfect purple pony. That she’s accepting when all others would not be. That almost everything they do is adored and respected, producing a warm glow in their cheeks. A feeling that they had always thought they would never have.” Luna was crying. “I love….”
“Then I’m sorry to break it to you, Princess Luna.” Twilight bowed her head as Luna winced at the use of her title. “But I’m not perfect. I have my limits. And I just…. I just can’t do this anymore.” Twilight turned away from Luna. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But I can’t. Not anymore.”
Some sort of beverage sprayed all over the surface of the mirror. “PFFFT! They broke up?!” Discord shouted at the mirror with rage. “Impossible!” Discord stood up from the sofa he was lounging on and quickly flipped the coffee table he had only moments ago been resting his feet on. “No!” He paced around the room and then threw his arms out with rage. “NO! No! No! No! Dear chaos, no!” His eyes burst into flames and he stomped his hoof on the ground rumbling the whole castle. “Noooooooooo!” The room shook violently and bits of stone fell from the ceiling. Discord reached down and picked up a small remote control like device that Wind Strider had been inching his hoof towards and the draconequus tossed it at the mirror. “Unbelievable.” He said under his breath. “Now I kept my cool when those idiots, Storm Dancer and Rising Star, almost ruined everything by attempting to murder Twilight Sparkle…. But then that smart-flank Applejack has the unmitigated gall to take the deal without putting Twilight through the paces! Then! And then! That cheeky little purple mare refused my offer of unlimited power! Now THIS?!” Discord slammed his tail into the side of the large toaster tipping it over. “Why can’t anypony stay on script?!” He reached down and wrapped his claw around a nearby Rising Star. He lifted her up by her neck and snarled. “Honestly! It’s as though I’m the only one who ACTUALLY CARES if this evil plan works or not!”
“Can’t… breathe…” Rising Star said in a zombie-like moan.
Discord gave the pony a squeeze and growled at her. “It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.” He ran a claw through his mane. “Right, Rising Star? It’s going to be fine because this is my greatest plan ever. My greatest revenge. Eternal ramifications! The very existence of the planet lies in the balance. The fates of not one but potentially two universes could be hanging in the balance! This is my Mare-a Liza! My Horseshoe de Triumph! My Canterlot Chapel! My little macaroni craft that goes up on the refrigerator!” He looked at the small pony’s eyes and then shook her violently. “Or at least it would be if the IDIOT CONVENTION known as my staff COULD DO ONE! THING! RIGHT!”
Celestia chuckled. “Oh dear, is somepony a tad mad?” She said with a singsong tone.
“Raaaah!” Discord tossed Rising Star in Celestia’s direction and the smaller pony collided with the alicorn forcefully. Discord huffed and heaved for a moment before placing his hand on his chest and exhaling dramatically. “Inhale… and exhale… ahhhh….” He sighed loudly.
“What are you doing?” Celestia asked as she rubbed her head. The impact of the tossed pony would be something she would be feeling for weeks.
Discord answered in a soft tone with his eyes closed. “Breathing exercises to calm the nerves and de-stress. It’s something Princess Cadence taught me.” He exhaled loudly. “And it’s working wonders. It’s as though all my worries are just gone.” He opened his eyes and his expression fell flat. “Oh no wait. You’re still here. Well most of my worries are gone.”
Celestia shook her head. “You’ve been talking to Cadence? When in Equestria did you ever have time for that?”
Discord picked up a conveniently placed rock at his hooves. He pitched the stone in Celestia’s direction causing her to flinch. Though she soon opened her eyes when she realized the rock was traveling through the air at an alarmingly slow speed. “Localized Time Dilation. Honestly, Celestia, please! Do try to keep up.” Discord began to pace around the room. “Still that leaves the matter at hoof. Hm…. There must be something brilliant that I could come up with to… Ah ha!” A light bulb appeared above Discord’s head sucking all the light out of the room. Discord reached up and pulled on the chain, turning the light bulb off and restoring light to the throne room. “That… is, of course, the answer.” Discord laughed. “Oh, this will be brilliant. Come, Celestia, cheer with me for my brilliance!”
“You told her to ‘dump her flank’?” Applejack generously applied the surface of her hoof directly to her forehead. Unfortunately do to the airship’s motion, Applejack hit herself a tad harder than she had meant. “Dash, the last thing we need now is the drama of a break up.” She said as she rubbed her head.
Rainbow Dash held up a hoof. “Okay, listen! I was telling her to dump Luna using reverse psychology.”
“So your actual words were, ‘Twilight, don’t dump Luna’?” Applejack asked with a tilt of her head.
“Well no. My actual words were… uh…” Rainbow Dash ruffled her mane. “‘Dump her. From Cloudsdale to the ground.’”
“Dash, that ain’t no fancy psychology. That’s just plum bad advice.”
“No, see… she said she was going to try and fix things between her! This isn’t my fault. I don’t know why Twilight went off the deep end. You know her, she’s unstable.”
“And I know you and you’re as dumb as a pile of bricks.” Applejack pulled the brim of her hat over her eyes. “How are we going to fix this? Eternal chaos is no time fighting a moping amongst friends. Even if we’re not going to be using the Elements of Harmony against Discord. It can’t be good for this here group’s success.”
“Don’t worry, AJ. I can fix this.” Rainbow said as she placed a hoof on her chest. Her face was adorned with a look so smug only a pony like Rainbow Dash could pull it off without looking foolhardy. “I’ll just have to take one for the team and be Twilight’s rebound mare.”
Applejack’s jaw fell to the ground. “WHAT?!”
“Yeah. There’s no faster way over a mare than in the sweet embrace of another mare. It’s a proven fact. I’m pretty sure Twilight’s already read like… dozens of books on it.” Applejack lifted up her hoof and, with careful aim, delivered a strong smack to the side of Rainbow Dash’s face. “Buck! That hurt! Why did you…?”
Applejack shouted in Rainbow Dash’s face. “What in the name of Celestia’s holy hindquarters is wrong with you?”
Rainbow rubbed her cheek. “Oh… ow…. You’ve got a good right hoof…. Owwww….”
“Since when do you even like Twilight?” Applejack asked.
“I don’t know… a little while…. What’s not to like about her? She’s smart, cute, and like it or not she’s the leader of our group. And Tur… I mean… Dash always dates winners. I mean, if she spontaneously grew wings she’d be perfect. Why? Are you jealous or something?” Applejack lifted her hoof up again. “Ah! Please don’t slap me again!”
“I swear I will if you cause trouble, RD.” Applejack sighed loudly. “What is your problem, anyway? You’ve been acting crazy ever since the party the princess threw. You’ve been spying on me, making faces. Now you’re going all gooey-eyed over Twilight.” Applejack placed a hoof on her friend’s withers. “I don’t know what’s going on in that turquoise head of yours but.... You better get it under control real soon. If you cause one hair of trouble then I promise I will….” Applejack was interrupted by the airship colliding with something. “What in tarnation?”
Rarity peered out the window. “I… think a royal chariot just landed on the front of the airship.”
Rainbow Dash shook her head. “Twice in one day? How many ponies are flying up here?” The door to the outside burst open.
Rarity pointed at the pony that had kicked the door down. “Commander Wind Strider! What are you doing here?” Another pony walked up next to Wind Strider causing the group to gasp collectively.
The second stallion, a unicorn, frowned at the room. The large white stallion’s eyes narrowed as he spoke. “Where’s Twily?”
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FUCKING REFERENCES EVERYWHERE
....Now I have to wait another month..
2238274
Like this Season 3 finale reference...
Noooooo they mustn't break up!
Meh, I'm still hoping for a happy ending for both Equestria and TwiLuna 
Anyway, great chapter! This is my favorite story even though I normally dont like reading unfinished fics, it even inspired me to write my own story. It's the only story I've read so far that gives me goosebumps, makes me laugh and even brought tears to my eyes.
Keep up the good work!
Discord is portrayed so perfectly in this story.
2238335 I know!
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/crying_derpy_by_keanno-d4ixrdo.gif
2238360
In all honestly, I don't think that one should count. If it's in the show it's not really a reference, it's just part of the fic.
And I prefer to think of them as... "Shout Outs".
Rarity is obviously the future queen of the marshmallow people.
All shout with something slightly less than a hail for the fair Queen Rarity.
RESPECT
Discord, of course, is still perfect. All hail Discord!
Onto the wall of gelatin.
Fun fact: gelatin is used in marshmallows and many other produces, but it is an animal product, usually made from pigs. The question then becomes, where are ponies getting it?
At last, the conclusion to the field trip-guacamole saga!
This had me cracking smiles all over the place.
All these references are hilarious.
I don't even know whats going on anymore. I am so confused but I will keep reading if only to see if the TwiLuna will be saved. Dash is playing a very dangerous Game here, if that results in a good Luna Show of Power flip out Scene then fine.
...You just took Discord's little speech from Keep Calm and Flutter On, turned it on it's head, and made so that it wouldn't work even if Celestia tried to "reform" him. That. Was. Awesome! Do it again! I LOVE THIS FANFIC!!!
2240130
Anything I can clarify? 
You don't know what's going on anymore?
2240343
Thanks!
2239786
Yes.... That's a very good question.
The only thing making this game of thrones an more amazingly horrific train wreck would be incest and a the beheading of a beloved character...
also, Celly, you think that discord doesn't at all expect you to try something? Come on, he's an immortal jerk who trolls people by using the same philosophy Cave Johnson uses on Science on the nature! On a tangentially related note, wonder how Twilight will feel when Celestia was just under an enchantment and that's why she wasn't doing jack...
2241068 I meant that more as a shocking reaction that Twilight and Luna have broken up again or are in a flux in their relationship and they just can't catch a break in all that is happening.
I mirrored Discords reaction perfectly after the breakup Scene and now Dash being the Jerk she is tries to go between them and profit of this Situation. Good for AJ to give her a good bucking there.
Luna should have a good talk with Dash explain to her what her claim on Twilight is and make it perfectly clear were the line is drawn on the BS she is willing to take from everyone.
I personally, after this, think you should die in a fire.
It better not end this way foo.
2254773
Worry not, this is a TwiLuna fic that has no tragedy, dark, or sad tag. I don't think it's too spoilerriffic to say Twilight gets the girl in the end.
Plus, I've been stacking fire resist items for this precise occasion.
Read every word of this! Amazing, fantastic, magnificent!
2263259
Aw thanks!
I saw you working the way through the story with your comments. I was afraid I wouldn't hear from you once you hit the flashback chapters. Welcome to the other side. It's chaos here.
I went to bed two hours late the other day while reading Timelines, and my roommate was calling me Twilight as he tried to get me to eat something every time I opened the fic back up
So many references.... this was amazing.
2327074
I use that one too... much later on. Although, iirc it's much more subtle. "I used to be an army officer, until I took a Griffin talon to the carpal bone." Which is almost like a pony knee.
But congrats on being the first person to notice that reference!
Well, it's interesting to see Discord completely loose it.
WHOA! Where did Shining come from?
2391568
I'm glad someone finally commented on that.
2391767
Which part? Shining or Discord loosing it?
You would Dash....
2392416
Shining Armor
Dash......
Still, least she has good taste. 
And Luna, interesting entrance scene.
I have a suggestion/idea: make more references/shout outs/whatever to season three, similar to the way that you did with Discord's little speech from Keep Calm and Flutter On.
In terms of percentages, (ex:10%) how close is the next chapter to this fanfic to being completed?
2592493
So, I'm going to be an ass about answering this, because I'm that kind of guy.
I could give you a percentage but the problem is, what metric do I use to measure?
Say I use time between chapters: I'd like to say since I've already taken 2 months that I'm 90% done and should have it out very soon. But the problem with that is time doesn't directly correlate to effort spent. I've taken so long on this chapter not because its a difficult one to write (Though, it's up there. I'm having trouble getting the scene between Shining Armor and Twilight the way I want it to sound). I've taken so long because I've started a new job and the commute is tiring. I just can't seem to get in the writing mood.
So say I use number of words: I know how many words I've written so far, but I'm not sure of the total needed to convey this chapter's events. To be nice I'm going to guess and say this chapter is looking like a 10k-er If that's the case then I'm 38% done with it. But how quickly I write words verries drastically. A scene with just Luna or Discord, I can crank out 4k in an hour easy. A scene between Twilight and Luna? That's going to be like 1k after three days. It just depends.
The only thing I'm certain of is what state each of the storylines are in at the end of the chapter. I.E. Celestia/Discord are doing X, Luna/Twilight are doing X, Rainbow and all the rest are doing X. I'm not sure how many words it will take to get there, but I'm working on it. Hang in there!
Im with you hun, and I love this story!
2592671
you just made my day, er night
Quote from Q! Except that he didn't say before your mother died...
Clearly a reference to the Heavy, from the free-to-play: Team Fortress 2.
Oh, come on! Your not even trying anymore!