Closet Pony

by DouglasTrotter

July 3rd

>>>July 3rd, 10:15 am<<<

I cried. I cried that day because I felt so helpless. At the time I worried about my mother's health, I also worried about my dog's deteriorating health. My beloved companion had seen me through a lot during those horrible years, always standing by my side, and then he was gone. Even worse, I wasn't there to say goodbye. I cried because it hurt so much and I couldn't do anything to stop it, and though I came to terms with his passing, like many things throughout my life, one thing I've never come to terms with is this fear, this sheer fear -- deep, deep down inside of me -- of losing those I cherish.

"There's always a light at the end of the tunnel," many would say, however, there is no light. The tunnel is an endless, twisting, turning road that never stops. Magic doesn't exist in our world, in the human world, so what good does it even do to make wishes. To that same extend, perhaps the same can be said for dreams. It feels like dreams are just born to die, so why even have them?

I guess another thing to accept and come to terms with is that I am a cynical, bitter person. That'll never change, not now not ever.

Right now, if magic were as all powerful as I thought it were/is, it'd be nice if the pony princess's little spell worked like magic. Or, that is to say, it'd be nice if it worked how she talked about it working, how I thought it should work.

In regards to Princess Celestia, it's saddening to say she's not herself. The princess seems rather aloof as of late, yet one admirable trait about Princess Celestia is her sheer godlike (goddess-like?) willpower. Despite the sense of wanting to be alone, the princess gives off a powerful aura. It's an aura that lets the world know she'll continue on no matter how troubled she becomes. That admirable trait of hers was on full display about two hours ago when a soft nudge came to my cheek, and I awoke to see two gentle eyes gazing at me.

After a few short minutes, I readied myself for the day, and, when I came out of the bathroom, the princess greeted me with a soft "good morning."

Princess Celestia stood in the room without her gold necklace and crown. The soft blue light from the sconces reflected off her eyes while she raised her hoof. Soon, the princess's gentle hoof pressed against my hand.

In a flash, the both of us were transported to the same captivating garden we had gone to over the past few days.

Inside, I stretched while the princess stretched. I meditated while Princess Celestia mediated. What amazed me was how Princess Celestia meditated on the spot. She could just sit down, close her eyes, and focus her mind instinctively. There's a long, long, LONG way to go before I can meditate like the princess.

"Are you ready?" Princess Celestia said. Her breathing, her eyes, the mind behind her eyes, all it remained calm, cool, and collected. The tall equine looked down at me, giving a polite smile.She extended a hoof. "One step at a time, ok."

The two of us moved onto the rock for our therapy session.

I clasped my hands together. My breathing slowed.

Water flowed into the rock's intricate channels. Those lines glowed in an ethereal light.

I closed my eyes.

"Now, we will begin..." Princess Celestia said. Her voice faded, like the previous times. The sound of the waterfall vanished. As my limbs began to lose their strength, two fine points pressed against the side of my head. "...."

Her final words were non-existent.

When those two points were removed from my head, the lesson ending just as it began, I opened my eyes.

"So, I'm not the only one who's afraid right now." I said. I opened my eyes to see Princess Celestia crying. It didn't occur to me tears were streaming down my cheek until I touched the left side of my face. The princess looked at me, "Like the Cutie Mark Crusaders, you're afraid of being stuck here.On a personal level, you're afraid you'll never see your family again."

"No, I just got a powerful cramp in my back hoof, that's all." Princess Celestia said.

"Now who's holding back." I said.

Princess Celestia stood up. She wiped away her tears with the tip of her wings, "...touché."

It took a little longer than usual for the two of us to gather our thoughts. In the past two days, we'd take a minute, maybe two at most. This time, it seemed more along the lines of twenty minutes. Pure, raw emotion had surged over us. There were no words. There were no mental images.

Once we were able to gather our thoughts, the session concluded with the walk back towards the portal to my room. It was along the way towards the portal in the garden I speculated about the therapy sessions.

I knew humans couldn't use magic, at least I still believe we can't use magic, so speculation was, and is, the best way to understand how the spell works. So far, my working theory is the spell acting as some form of cathartic release. Emotions on the subconscious level are allowed to flow. One side effect, or perhaps intended effect, comes from it working for both parties. Whatever crap reasoning, I'm just glad the sessions didn't make me pass out anymore.

"I just wanted to remind you those three are welcome in the garden anytime you wish.They just need to hold onto you." Princess Celestia said. The large, circular portal that led towards my room came into view. She placed her hoof on the left side of the portal, me placing my hand on the right. "This will always serve as your direct line back to your room if something were to ever happen to your watch in the garden. It always pays to be cautious."

Princess Celestia, that had to be the sixth time you reminded me, perhaps the eighth. It sounded like a bad omen. Still, it'd be a case of rather have it and not need it vs. needing it and not having it, I guess.

From the clock on my laptop, anywhere from thirty minutes to a full hour may have passed after I woke up and readied myself for our session in the garden.

"How about we take a break for the rest of the day," I said, rubbing my left arm. Princess Celestia came to a slow stop. "I'd be nice to relax a little bit, maybe have some fun. These sessions are important, I understand. I just want some 'me' time."

"You don't need to justify things. If you'd like to take a break, feel free to speak up and voice your opinion. Now," Princess Celestia turned around, "with that said, we cannot stop."

"I know, I know. We had two sessions yesterday with the second, mid-afternoon session being my 'breakthrough' moment. You still haven't told me what that moment was or what it involved." I said.

"And I'm quite curious how you 'knew' what I was thinking." Princess Celestia said.

"Lucky... guess." I said, shying away. When I told Princess Celestia I'm semi-normal, I didn't exactly lie to her. That's just the best cobbled together word I could use to describe myself. If I had to be honest, it wouldn't not be a lie either since I just told a half-truth. I cleared my throat and looked at Princess Celestia, "Well, still, I stand by what I said. I need a break."

"Alright. We'll skip the second session for today in favor of some downtime. I wouldn't mind some personal time myself." Princess Celestia said. She smiled, "Well now, it seems we have some visitors."

Several hoofsteps echoed in the bedroom. Soon, three sets of eyes greeted Princess Celestia and myself, and then three smiles.

"How'd the lesson go? Or is it a session?" Sweetie Belle said. The filly guided Princess Celestia and myself towards the garden. She levitated a blanket out of a basket while Apple Bloom and Scootaloo set out several plates and some snacks. "We finally managed to get some saplings to grow in the main garden. It'll look so beautiful when they're fully grown."

"Thank you for the breakfast, my little ponies. It is greatly appreciated." Princess Celestia said. She nibbled on a small pastry. The princess dabbed away some small crumbs from her lips before sipping some juice. "As for our friend's 'session,' they did rather well."

"That's great. Hope ya kick those issues right in the flank and send em so far away they never come back." Apple Bloom said. She munched on an apple. "Finally got enough electricity stored up in the batteries to use the mini-oven you bought for us. Thanks for getting it."

"Sure, no problem." I said. It didn't take a psychic to know I thought about a moth flying out of my wallet. Money for batteries, ten to fifteen solar panels, a converter, and some misc. components, felt like one of those D-day preppers on TV when the stuff was scanned at checkout. Wonder if I can rent myself out as a dunce people can throw tomatoes at for fun. Still need to do the finances to see if we'll break even this month, or, more likely, how far, far into the black we've gone. I forced myself to smile and said, "So, how are all of you set up here?"

"Great," Scootaloo flapped her wings, "we've got almost everything we need."

"Almost?" I said.

"Well, we just need a few, things... heh." Scootaloo said.

I raised my eyebrow. I extended two fingers, "You two have got a wish list too, don't you."

"Umm..." Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom said.

I turned toward Princess Celestia, "Ok, ok, what's on yours."

Princess Celestia swallowed the food in her mouth.She blushed, whistled an innocent tune, and gave a quick shy grin. "... it's just a few items."

I sighed. "I'll see what I can do."

Princess Celestia prepared to open her mouth.

I held up my right index finger, "Remember, I'm not selling your crown, nor your necklace. I hope I made that quite clear."

Princess Celestia nodded, "That you did, my friend."

"Anyways, I'm not rich, but I'll see what I can do." I said, and it's about right. I'm not swimming in money, but I do tend to exaggerate things. That's one thing I must admit to myself. I'm not destitute. Still, I'm not some millionaire who can afford everything to their heart's content. Careful planning -- thanks to my mother -- kept things in check. I looked at the others, "Now, back to the topic.How are all of you doing?"

The conversation turned toward the three fillies and their varying tales.

Apple Bloom spoke about how she tended the gardens various plants and trees. Scootaloo practiced flying around her room. Sweetie Belle used her training with Princess Celestia to assist Apple Bloom in the garden. It's rather heartwarming to know Princess Celestia's found a way to entertain herself. She enjoyed researching various aspects about the human world, staying within recommended guidelines of research.

"Hey, Princess Celestia, I've been meaning to ask you something. How do these crystals work?" Sweetie Belle said. She held the small crystal necklace in her hoof, "This isn't like any of the magic you've taught me."

"Ahh, therein lies the mystery, Sweetie Belle. Magic is one of the most fluid elements that exists. There are only a few, set, specific guidelines for magic, but even those specifics can have their own sense of fluidity." Princess Celestia said. She held Sweetie Belle's necklace in her hoof. "Though these crystals represent the simple idea of a key that goes to a lock, there's much, much more to it."

I swallowed my food.

It seemed Princess Celestia was right at home when she decided it was time for a lecture while the lot of us sat in front of her. Anyone could see the delight she took in teaching others.

"So, Apple Bloom can't use my crystal, and Sweetie Belle can't use your crystal.I guess that makes sense... wait, what about our friend?" Scootaloo said. She and the others turned towards me. "You can't use magic. At least, you say humans can't use magic."

"...?" I remained silent, raising a slow eyebrow.

"No, no, you aren't growing a tail." Princess Celestia chuckled.

Though I stopped looking at my butt -- I found myself thankful there were no obvious signs of a tail growing -- my concerns weren't alleviated.

The princess told me she had imbued the watch with magic, but it didn't register, not until the impromptu lesson. Did these creature's irradiate me... or if it's magic, did they magicate me, irradiating me with magic? Can humans die from exposure to magic?

"Hey, come on now, Ah'm curious." Apple Bloom said. She pointed towards the watch as Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo shrugged at each other. The earth pony filly gazed at me. Her hoof pressed against my right arm, left arm, and then my legs. "Ah don't get it. Can our friend use magic?"

The three fillies looked at each other. Apple Bloom's ears perked up. She nodded to her friends.

"..." I raised an eyebrow. The fillies gave a devilish grin towards me. It could only mean trouble.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders huddled together. Princess Celestia and I shrugged at each other while the three chatted amongst themselves. The fillies let out a boisterous sound, "Let's teach our friend magic! How about it?!"

"Girls, our friend said they didn't want to learn magic. Well, actually, I shouldn't speak so soon. What are your thoughts on the matter? Have you had a change of heart?" Princess Celestia said.

I rested my head on top of my hand, letting out an audible "hmm" to the small garden.

"I won't force you to try." Princess Celestia said.

"Well, my interest has kind grown. That said, I'm still concerned about the ramifications. May just be my own curiosity getting the better of me. As they say, curiosity killed the cat." I said.

Apple Bloom let out an audible gulp.Her eyes widened. "Glad Fluttershy isn't around to hear that saying. She'd go bananas."

I raised in eyebrow. "Who?"

"She's an animal lover. I mean she's 'really' into animals. There's a bunch of them shacked up in her cottage. Even a bear." Scootaloo said.

Ok, I'll be sure to watch myself around Fluttershy -- wait a minute, what the heck am I saying. I hope no other ponies come through that gate. Last thing this world needs is some psycho animal lover on Earth. This Fluttershy pony would rip the place apart seeing all the commercials for lamb, chicken, pork, steak, and such. Humanity's saving grace would be her passing out from fright at a plate of buffalo wings.

"Well, back to the matter at hoof. If you don't mind me asking, if your interest has been peaked, what did it? Is it the spell I've been using on you?"Princess Celestia said.

"Truth be told, kind of. I mean, I'm nervous. Don't get me wrong. Magic concerns me to no end since humans are a mixed bag of nutjobs. Some are dangerous while others can be downright violent." I said. I went further in my explanation. Some details, ok, many details were left out to spare the ponies the mental images of the atrocities humans have committed against one another, and yet what fueled my desires and peaked my interests were the thoughts about this watch, coupled together with the spell from the sessions. It gnawed at me. I mean, is it wrong to learn? "If I had to tell another truth, I'm wondering if those fairytales aren't just stories. There were many great legends, myths, folktales, and lore about humanity possessing magic with each story being unique to each place on earth. If you're willing to teach me, I don't mind giving it a shot."

Princess Celestia tapped a hoof against her chin. "I'll be honest. I have no idea what could happen to you and your body if we progress down this road? There are many variables and unknowns. That being said," Princess Celestia gave a gentle nod before she put her hoof down, "I will not deny a willing mind from learning, and it appears that you are in luck. Sweetie Belle is due for her magic lesson. You can sit in on it and we'll go from there."

"Nothing wrong with being curious, I guess. What's the harm?"I said.

With that matter settled, all of us continued to talk and chat about various things, finishing our meal about twenty minutes ago.

I've been given some time to write up this journal and rest a bit before we attempt anything, and, at this point, I'm shaking. So many ideas and notions have been written in these journal entries about my fears. Right now, what I know for sure is that I'm tired of this, this "weight" on my chest. I'm tired of my fears.

When I get some time, I think I need to speak with the princess and those three fillies about some issues, and what I know for certain is that one of those issues won't be so easy to talk about.

---End Entry---

>>>July 3rd, 12:35 pm<<<

"Now, before you...," I found my words too late. Scootaloo started, followed by Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. "O come on, not you too."

"I'm sorry, but that was a riot the way you swan dived into the pool." Princess Celestia said, covering her mouth with her hoof. "Ok, ok," she wiped away a tear, "that was funny."

There's not a hole deep enough in existence for me to bury my head into.

Unicorn magic, nope. Pegasus magic, OW, and nope. Earth pony magic, double OW, and double nope. It's just a good thing I did some minor, albeit stupid, tasks. I know, I know, to be scientific, you can't let one sample be the end all, be all judgment. That said, it didn't bode well for humanity with my abysmal performance. Felt like I could flunk an IQ test at that point. Still feels that way while writing this up.

"Now, being serious girls, we should take our friend's feeling into consideration." Princess Celestia said. The princess cleared her throat. She placed a soft wing over my shoulder. The princess gathered us for another lecture. "I do want tell all of you something. It's something I find puzzling."

The Cutie Mark Crusader's ears perked up. Princess Celestia pointed at Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and then Sweetie Belle.

"Right. Ah can't use Scoot's key just like Sweetie Belle can't use mine. They're tied to us." Apple Bloom said.

"Correct, and what's different? What's missing for our friend that we know about ourselves?" Princess Celestia said.

Scootaloo extended her wing ready to answer. She stopped. The pegasus filly rubbed her chin with her wing, "They're missing... a. Crystal?"

"Actually, there's already a crystal inside our friend's watch. To be more precise, it's a gem stone for ornamentation, but I used that instead of making a crystal for them." Princess Celestia said. The princess sat down on the soft grass."My little ponies, always remember that inside each of you is a powerful, unique magic. Those crystals around your necks are tuned towards that magic, your 'special' magic. Without even the slightest trace of magic, those crystals could never be used."

I wanted to relinquish my fear, but there are no easy battles. As my anxiety took hold, my mind, in that moment, imagined some kind of unknown entity inside of me that had developed. Even worse, my mind thought about the thing destroying me.

"To be more precise, I know for certain we cannot tie one of your crystals around a rock and chuck it towards the portal on Earth, expecting the rock to come through into Sanctuary. Well, unless the rock was imbued with magic to begin with, but that's getting off topic. Magic, innate or latent, must be present to utilize these crystals and the spell bound to them." Princess Celestia said.

The garden had an eerie bit of silence, more silent than usual.

"Well?" Scootaloo said.

"Beats me, Scootaloo." Apple Bloom said.

"Don't look at me." Sweetie Belle said. She turned towards me. "Though, I mean, I 'kinda' understand what Princess Celestia is trying to say. You're not even sure yourself, right."

Princess Celestia gave a firm nod. "I do apologize if my words appear flimsy or cryptic, but, like all of you, my interactions with humans are rather limited. It's quite the understatement to say all of this is new to me."

"Are ya ok? Hey, somepony catch them!" Apple Bloom said.

"It may be wise for you to rest right now and regain your strength." Princess Celestia said.

"I'm, I'm ok. I just felt a little weak there is all. It's nothing to worry about." I said.

Princess Celestia helped me stand up. She acted as a sturdy crutch. "Why don't you rest in bed for a bit. We'll give you some peace to write your journal entry."

"Thanks." I said, pulling back the covers.

"I apologize if this is rude, but I'd like some time to myself after I see the garden's progress. I'm hoping we can have some wonderful, fresh-off-the-vine salads for dinner tonight." Princess Celestia said.

Each of the pony left, one-by-one, from my bedroom. Things have been silent ever since our chat, all of that happening an hour ago. About the only thing making any noise in this room is the fan on this laptop.

Just have to admit there's nothing much that can be done. To conquer an illness takes time. Of the plethora of textbooks out there on recuperation and recovery, there's no set amount of time to get better. It can take several weeks, sometimes months. The mind can be a powerful influence on the body, and I have no doubt my mind has been influencing my body to a heavy degree.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I never got the chance to confess to those four about how I'm feeling right now. Though, while I've got these notes open, I will confess what I'm thinking.

In my previous notes, I rambled on and on like some lunatic. The first reason for my ramblings is due to the fact I was still sick/recovering. Not to mention I couldn't find the right way to describe it. The second was my own uncertainty, however, now I'm certain more than ever that Sanctuary is haunted.

As I recovered, I kept hearing voices. They didn't belong to the others. It's only now I realize it wasn't multiple voices. A single voice whispered in such a manner it echoed amongst the halls, giving the appearance of multiple voices. I'll also say there's another issue.

Unless Princess Celestia is known for playing some seriously scary, messed up, cruel pranks on her subjects, I'd almost swear there are two Princess Celestias running around Sanctuary. And it's that second Princess Celestia, she scares me.

I want to leave Sanctuary.

---End Entry---

>>>July 3rd, 7:34 pm<<<

Dinner time came. The gentle light of the crystal sconces illuminated the dining room. From the fresh placemats and silverware to the plates and the table itself, the setting looked stunning while we sat underneath the stars.

In my heart, I knew the time had come.

"Hey, I've... got a bit of an announcement to make." I said. The first problem came when I tried to figure out the words. It took me several minutes to find both the courage and the words to tell Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Princess Celestia. What sucks is that part turned out to be the easiest. The words were easier than the courage, but they both came. In terms of the second part, it took every ounce of willpower to maintain that courage to tell the others how I felt. "I'm leaving Sanctuary, and I don't know when I'll be returning."

"But why?!" The Cutie Mark Crusaders said in unison. Their pleas to stay made it all the more heartbreaking.

"I'm sorry girls. We must respect our friend's wishes. To force them to stay here in Sanctuary would be imprisonment, and that's not why I created Sanctuary." Princess Celestia said. She glanced around the grand entrance. "It is your choice. I won't force you to stay."

Though I explained my beliefs, Princess Celestia not brushing them off entirely, she remained committed to the home she had built, and I don't blame her. It's with her own two hands... well, with her magic and hooves that she built Sanctuary. If I were in the princess's place, I'd probably say the same thing.

"I can't stay. This place doesn't want me." I said. It didn't make sense to the others, at least I believe it didn't make sense, but it felt like perfect rationale to me. Sanctuary rejected me. I believed it wise to leave before something bad happened. "Up to you three if you'd like to come."

"I want to stay." Scootaloo said.

"Me too." Sweetie Belle said.

"Ah want our friend to stay with us." Apple Bloom said.

We reached an impasse, so Princess Celestia and myself discussed the options.

The fillies were given three choices. They could stay with the princess in Sanctuary, stay with me on Earth, or they could go back and forth, staying in both places.Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo looked at each other. After a quick discussion, they came to an affirmed agreement. They picked Princess Celestia's third option.

After dinner, I gathered my laptop from my bedroom, and then smiled at each of the ponies before I left for the main entrance.

"Sure ya don't wanna stay here? Any-pony in their right mind would be downright foolish to reject a place like this." Apple Bloom said, standing at the entrance.

"I'm sure. You coming along?" I said.

"Yea, I drew the short straw -- I mean, heh, that is to say, I don't mind going with you back to your house. It's nice." Apple Bloom said, ending with a nervous laugh.

I patted the filly on the head. "It's alright Apple Bloom. I just feel it best to head home right now."

All of that happened a little over half an hour ago.

It's hard to say who is keeping an eye on who at this point. What is certain, Apple Bloom isn't angry at me, but she's not happy either.

"You ok there, Apple Bloom?" I said. The filly had laid down on the wicker couch near the computer area.

I'm so, so sorry Apple Bloom. Despite its namesake, Sanctuary doesn't feel like a sanctuary to me. It doesn't feel safe.

"Yea, Ah'll be fine." She said, letting out a slow sigh. The filly tossed and turned several times before she stopped. "Mind if Ah ask ya a question?"

"Hmm?"

Apple Bloom hopped off the wicker couch, crept toward me, and sat down. "Do you hate Sanctuary?"

"I could never hate Sanctuary." I said.

"Then why in Equestria do you not want to be there?" Apple Bloom said.

"The first time we went with Princess Celestia, it was indescribable how wonderful Sanctuary looked, how it felt. I mean, being 100% honest, there were just no words to describe how it made me feel, but right now, I'm not getting that happy 'vibe' from Sanctuary. It feels dark, like Sanctuary itself is angry at me." I said. I didn't know how to tell Apple Bloom how I felt. It took me a few moments, and I said, "I know this is awkward, but you ever get a sense for things? I mean, it's similar to when you know something is off in a place you've become accustomed to in your life, you get this instinct about it. Sorry, guess I'm not giving a good description."

Apple Bloom shook her head. "Naw, ah get what yer sayin'. Somethin' was outta place in Sanctuary. Made ya feel downright uneasy. Now, Ah gotta ask ya the same question. Ya ok there? Look tad on the nervous side."

"That obvious, huh?" I said.

"Well, your arm is twitchin'. Only time ah saw that is when those police officers came over." Apple Bloom said. She placed a soft hoof on my arm. "Worried about the others?"

Even on earth, things felt silent.

Cars going by the house, helicopters flying overhead, planes taking off from the airport about six miles down the road, I heard all of it, and it didn't register.

"Yea, I am." I said.

"Know we just left but, if you're worried, how about we go back and check on the others." She said.

The little filly was right. A part of me was worried about the others. We'd been home for just a short amount of time and I already felt uneasy for leaving. Who knows, maybe I'm just screwed up in the head.

I'm taking a moment to chill for a second and type this entry up, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to check in on the others. Once I take the moment to type this up, I'm going to grab something before we leave. It's something I hope I don't have to use.

In the beginning of this entry I spoke about fear. Right now, I'm scared. I'm downright terrified to the point I'm just a little toddler ready to mess themselves. What I will do is swallow that fear and make it fear me because I'm not allowing harm to come to Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, or Princess Celestia.

Well, as the saying goes, "Fools rush in where angels fear to tread."

---End Entry---

>>>July 3rd, 11:59 pm<<<

The portal won't work.

How do we get back? I've been trying to use my watch non-stop to open the portal. Nothing works! Apple Bloom's crystal won't work either. Not good, this is not good. I don't know what to do!

I need to focus. I need to calm down. Ok, think. How can I --

---End Entry---

Comments

[Captain Absolution]

I going to keep on reading, but something about main main character I don't like.He whines about alout of stuff, well, thats the best word I know. I just just don't like him, at all. Plus, the whole name we don't know, it's annoying. I'll keep reading, but ya.