Closet Pony

by DouglasTrotter

June 30th

>>>June 30th, 3:42 AM<<<

It's so hard to put my fingers to the keys. Anymore, anymore I just want to sleep. I just... want to sleep away each day.

Looks like today will be rough. Or is it night? That desolate, dark landscape doesn't make things easy. Though the time is in the right bottom corner of the laptop, those numbers are hard to trust. It'd be akin to someone locked away in a cave with a digital clock. How much can they trust the time on the display? What light that exists comes from those weird gems floating above the sconces in this bedroom. On the positive side, the light easy on the eyes. The gems don't have the constant annoying hum of a fluorescent light, nor do they cause that unpleasant eye strain. It'd be hard to admit this to Princess Celestia's face, but Sanctuary is quite the astounding place, heh.

On the down-side, despite Sanctuary's serenity, this anxiety won't go away, and the last three days haven't been easy. Anxious, nervous, disturbed, upset, or any other choice of words someone could look up in a thesaurus would describe things right now. My thoughts turn to the past each time I close my eyes.The worst are my mother's final moments.

What I remember is the warmth of my mother's hand. It was the same warm, gentle hand that comforted me when I was young. That made it even harder when the warmth left her hand, little-by-little. Those cherished memories made things painful when the time came to let go of that hand. Feels like it happened two hours ago vs. three years.

They say the best thing to do is to be by someone's side in their time of need, and I loathe that saying. Despite being by my mother's side, I felt powerless.

---End Entry---

>>>June 30th, 5:55 AM<<<

Stupid diary, I need to fix it.The thing ends an entry if it doesn't get a keystroke within ten minutes. Whatever, I don't care at this point. It's what I get for not programming it right.

Sanctuary is so quiet, feels like it's playing tricks on me.

Well, the dear princess who's slept near my side -- who's been my nursemaid for almost a month -- she's still there for me. More than once the watchful pony parent has checked on me. Princess Celestia became a nurse overnight, which isn't fair to her. The poor equine has her own troubles. Her little "friends help out each other" axiom doesn't quite justify this level of care, but her patient is in no condition to argue.

Of course, looks as though three addition have joined the princess, after I dozed off. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo have perched themselves in some sleeping bags near Princess Celestia. The Cutie Mark Crusader's ears twitch ever-so-slightly; their back legs move in a similar fashion to that of a dreaming dog. I hope all of them are dreaming of home or getting home.

---End Entry---

>>>June 30th, 6:45 AM<<<

Feel asleep... again.

I feel so alone right now. There's an overwhelming sense of emptiness despite these four being near me. I'm probably one of the few people in the world who would feel alone at a party in their honor. Despite the fact these four are so kind-hearted and welcoming, there's a small portion of me that just feels so isolated. It's afraid. No, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to reach out to them.

I hate to be rude, but the gift Princess Celestia gave me is rather creepy. Sanctuary is nothing more than a gigantic version of that empty house on Earth I call home.Not to mention its sense of happiness and openness is long gone. This sounds paranoid, and a bit corny, but those two joyous emotions have been replaced by this, this "thing" I can't even fathom. It's something rather dark.

Anymore, I just want to be left alone.

---End Entry---

>>>June 30th, 11:45 AM<<<

"Well, you don't have a fever, so that's good." Scootaloo said with a smile.

"Can I take the thermometer out of my ear now, please?" I said.

"You typically place it under the tongue, Scootaloo.Though I have read --" Princess Celestia said.

"Don't. Finish. That. Sentence." I said.

Princess Celestia looked the other way while Apple Bloom snickered.

"What's so funny?" Scootaloo said.

"Ah think it's best if ya don't know, Scoot." Apple Bloom said. The filly patted her friend on the back. "Anyways, ya'll look way, way better than ya did a couple weeks ago. Had us worried sick.Still look a bit on the flushed side though."

My nurse and her three little helpers had been up since eight-thirty this morning. Princess Celestia was the first to rise. She used the restroom then returned to check on me with Sweetie Belle being the next to wake up, followed by Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. Swear they must have rehearsed their actions. Each of them clams up when the first week I got sick is mentioned. These equines are dead-set on focusing on the present vs. the past, so there's little option.

I don't know what to do.

"I know this is sudden, but would you please follow me?" Princess Celestia said.

"Ok..." I said.

---End Entry---

>>>June 30th, 3:25 PM<<<

Time.It is one of the most fascinating, if not "the" most fascinating things in existence. Due to the varying laws that exist, laws humans know about for now at least, time can be perceived in different ways, influenced by different things in our world. An enjoyable hour can be a minute while a painful second can be an eternity. There are times where, well, time seems alive. The intangible element will allow itself to move forward at its own whims and wishes. Perhaps it is time that eludes me. It's the only way to describe what happened.

Princess Celestia asked the three fillies to go play while the two of us journeyed down a long hallway. From that point on, there was no perception of time as Princess Celestia led me deeper into Sanctuary.

We traveled on and on, further and further. Down a flight of steps we moved then up another.

To me, Princess Celestia was stalling. I believed she didn't know where she was going or what she was doing. I was wrong.

"I want to help." Princess Celestia said. Her hoof rose into the air. It seemed to press into nothingness, but a small, golden, horseshoe-shaped mark appeared in thin air. What materialized around us was a garden that nearly rivaled the beauty of Sanctuary itself. She nodded towards me. "This way, please."

The waterfall, perhaps twenty-feet high, didn't roar or make any kind of sound; water just fell from the top towards the bottom. The water moved into different channels where it glowed in a gentle light. Princess Celestia and I sat on a circular rock surrounded by the seemingly magical water.

Inside the lush garden, the princess guided me towards a tranquil spot where the both of us sat down.

Though the ambient temperature of the room was pleasant, my arm, my left arm felt cold, almost numb. No matter how much I rubbed my arm, it refused to stay warm.

"I added the finishing touches while you recuperated." Princess Celestia said. The corner of her mouth raised while she closed her eyes. Her quick slight smile faded before she let out a deep, nervous sigh. The princess looked around the room with such a forlorn expression. She turned toward me. She raised her hoof and held it up for a few seconds, and then put it down."I fear for the sake of my little ponies who are trapped here. It haunts my dreams. These three, three precious fillies must get back to their families. I also want to get back to my family."

The numbness traveled down my arm and into my hand.

"In all of Equestria, if my wishes reach my home, I hope this never happens, however, if you were to become ill again -- and not recover -- the four of us may be lost forever." Princess Celestia said. She touched a gentle hoof to my chin. Her eyes locked onto mine. "We need you. Please, I implore you to let me help."

"..." I couldn't form the words. With Princess Celestia's hoof removed from my chin, my head and eyes gravitated towards the ground. While the princess remained silent, those same thoughts came back. There was no way to get rid of them. Though it was hopeless, the smallest part of my core, of my soul caused me to sigh then lift of my head, "Are you going to do something weird to me? Or have you already done something weird to me?"

Princess Celestia removed her crown. She placed the golden object on the ground, the same being done with the object around her neck."The look in your eyes is the same I've seen in so many of my little ponies when they grieved for their lost loved ones. Not to mention it is the same look that greeted me whenever I looked in the mirror each morning after I had banished my sister to the moon."

I bit down on my lip. My clenched fist refused to relax." I hope you didn't use your magic to 'change' something inside of me."

Princess Celestia placed a gentle hoof on my knee, "No magic -- no matter how strong -- can ever heal those kinds of afflictions."

I pulled away and clenched my fist.

"Do you trust me?"Princess Celestia said.

"..." My body grew colder the more I looked at Princess Celestia. What thoughts swirled around inside that brain of mine, at the time, kept focusing on the past, and it hurt. I didn't want those memories to go away, but I wanted the pain to go away. It didn't make sense.It made no sense! "... I do."

What lights existed in the garden dimmed. The faint, gentle light of water around us intensified.

"I believe we can ease the stress on your mind, body, and soul." Princess Celestia said.

The water around us flowed into several channels where it formed different, smooth patterns in the stone we sat on. At that point, my eyes started to grow heavy.

"Contrary to your literature and movies, I will not 'bore' into your mind. Memories cannot be taken away, re-written, nor undone. They are etched into the stone of one's mind. All I will do is help you come to terms with your grief." Princess Celestia said. She illuminated her horn, and then her eyes glowed in a brilliant light. The princess's voice became strange, almost soothing when she spoke. "I'm right here with you. I'm here for you, my dear friend..."

As said, time is quite the fickle thing. Princess Celestia's voice became quiet, almost non-existent. My heavy eyes closed, and I woke up to her cradling my head between her front hooves.

"..."

"You alright there?" I said. Several tears landed on my forehead. "What happened?"

Princess Celestia's lower lip quivered. We both got up, however, the princess turned away. "I... n-need some time alone.Pl-Please follow me."

After Princess Celestia placed her crown and circlet back on, the time it took to venture away from that garden paled in comparison to the eternity it took for us to reach it. Now I sit here, in my bed, writing this up. I'm sad to say I still feel the same, except now I feel as though I hurt Princess Celestia. What made her cry confounds me. All I can do is hope it wasn't something I did to her, or my past.

---End Entry---

>>>June 30th,8:15 PM<<<

Right now, I'm just sitting in the garden, gazing out towards the endless black sea of space, and, and right now, I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep.

For the lack of a better word, Princess Celestia has vanished. Five hours and there's not a trace of her. She wanted to be alone. The pony princess just wanted to take some time to herself, yet it's hard to see if it is best to leave her alone.

"Hey," She said.

"Hey yourself," I said.

"It's time for dinner. Hope you aren't angry, but we decided to order pizza... again." Sweetie Belle said.

I raised an eyebrow. "How many times have you ordered pizza?"

"Four times... in the past three days." she said.

"I suppose you aren't growing fruits and vegetables here in Sanctuary, are you?" I said.

The filly unicorn twirled the tip of her hoof against the ground. "Well... to be honest, Apple Bloom can't use alchemy since she's not familiar with your stuff.It's -- hey, what's up?"

"Hrmm?"

"There's nothing there." Sweetie Belle said.

"Sorry, I'm just kinda dazed right now. Pizza is fine as long as you didn't order a hundred dollars worth of food." I said.

"The voice on the other end of the phone said it was ninety-five dollars and seventy-seven cents."Sweetie Belle said.

I leaned back, hand planted firm against my face.

Jeez. Four times they've ordered pizza.That stuff ain't cheap. I mean, if they ordered ninety-six bucks per pizza run on average, I mean a quick bit of fuzzy math tells me that's almost four-hundred dollars. Fine, fine, there's no use crying over it.

"Ok, we'll have to take it easy on the credit-card. That thing has a limit. Maybe what we can do is get some seeds from the local home-improvement store. I can get you all started on some things to help us keep down the food bill." I said.

Apple Bloom walked up. "Dinner's served. We got the table all set and ready ta go."

"Anyways, if ya see Princess Celestia, try to let her know dinner is ready. I haven't seen her since you two left down that hallway." Sweetie Belle said.

"Ok, I'll tell her." I said. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle headed towards the elevator, and, after those two left, my bedroom in Sanctuary was silent. The garden off to its side remained equally quiet. There was no wind to rustle against the tree leaves. Apart from the small water fountain, there was little to no ambient noise to break the almost oxymoron-esk, "deafeningly quiet" scene. "You know it's creepy to spy on people."

A figure faded into existence.

"... How? I mean, were you able to sense me?" she said.

"Humans are quite the empathetic creatures. We have a sixth sense about us. There are some humans who have a wide range of other abilities." I said. She came closer, maintaining a trained eye on me.

"Are you ok?!" Princess Celestia said, bolting towards me as I held onto my side.

"Sorry, it hurts to laugh. I barely managed to keep a straight face while saying that bit." I said. The princess rolled her eyes at me. "I hate to disappoint, but I'm just a normal human, well, semi-normal."

"Hmph!"Princess Celestia said. She turned away, "Well, can you explain how you knew I was here, if you didn't sense my presence."

I pointed towards the ground beneath Princess Celestia. "For one thing, there are four rather heavy hoof-prints in the ground next to where Apple Bloom stood. They weren't there when she showed up. Not to mention, you smell."

All words carry consequences, and I soon found myself in an empty room.

"Ok, ok, sorry. You don't have to disappear on me. What I meant to say is that you have a particular aroma." I said. I rolled my eyes. "Fine, I'm sorry I said you smell. I wasn't implying that you stink."

"Apology accepted." Princess Celestia said, materializing behind me. Her back pressed against mine when she sat down. Through my shirt, I felt her withers twitching. "..."

"What did you see that made you cry?" I said.

"I don't know. It's not so much what I saw, but, in a cliché term, what I felt that disturbs me. A true sense of despair, coupled with an almost endless sensation of sorrow. " Princess Celestia said. Her withers stopped twitching when I placed my hand on her back."Are you really sick of living?"

Her statement caused my hand to recoil."Please don't make me talk about that subject."

"Life is a beautiful, wondrous gift. It's a miracle bestowed upon all who are born. When a child opens their eyes for the first time, that moment is beyond precious." Princess Celestia said. She faced me. "I cannot understand why any creature, pony or human or otherwise, would hate their life so much when there's so much wonder and happiness. When there's...."

The pony's tears were so warm against my cold hands. She rested her head on my shoulder.

"The thing about humans, though we're born into a world of wonder, it can be a living nightmare. All that talk of 'we're all created equal' is just a lie told to make our childhoods better. Not all of us start out on equal footing."I said. That's about the one explanation I could muster. I'm a cynical, bitter individual who's angry at life, and what infuriates me are those, those people, those pieces of trash who just -- why do I bother. It's so hard to fight anymore. I'm just tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying to scrape together what little bit of a life exists for me, but, but perhaps that's where I'm --

"There's no shame in crying." Princess Celestia said. She brought me close with her wing. "I'm right here, my friend."

I took my time.

Two tissues levitated in front of me when I raised my head. "We should eat something. Don't want to go to bed on an empty stomach."

"We need to --" Princess Celestia stopped.

"Get something to eat. I can say right now, my stomach doesn't howl. It just groans." I said.

Princess Celestia blushed. She rubbed a soft wing against my head, and then stood up. "You're not off the hook. We'll eat and take a bit of a reprieve from your session, but I am not giving up on you right now. You need to believe in yourself. It's not just for my sake and those three fillies. It is for your own sake."

Belief... belief is one word I've come to loathe, but, but perhaps Princess Celestia is right.

All I can do right now is moved forward on my own two legs, as weak or strong as they might be, and see what the future holds.

---End Entry---

Author's Note:

Writer's block is an evil thing. Also, I wanted to make this chapter rather special.

I hope everyone enjoy sit. If there's anything that needs tweaking/fixing, I'm open.