• Member Since 30th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen November 27th


Comments ( 4 )

Welcome to the FoE community, if you need help please feel free to consult Interloper's guide, if that does not provide the needed answer's, please ask the forum.

Welcome to the wasteland, and I wish you luck.

It looks good except for a few things:
- paragraphs: you do a good amount of spacing, but many of the paragraphs - especially at the start - are still too huge. 6-7 lines per paragraph look fine, professional and still won't give the reader a wall-of-text feeling, but >10 lines is almost as bad to the reading experience as no spacing at all. Break down the bigger paragraphs, it just looks much better.

- description: your description doesn't tell us anything about your story except that it is Fallout Equestria connected. In the description, you should give information about what the reader has to expect and lure him or her in. The thing that is your description should be an author's note under the first chapter, if written down at all.
Use the description to show potential readers what great story awaits them if the click the button.

- author's note: I would recommend making author's notes at the chapter's end only. An author's note should only be at the start of a chapter if the story is [everyone]-rated and said chapter features a very graphic violence or any other adult content. But that's just a personal liking of mine.

- prologue: that isn't a prologue. What you wrote is a first chapter. It has action, a cliffhanger, the main characters doing main character stuff... not a prologue. So there is no need to call it a prologue. I would recommend changing that.

But apart from that, keep on writing. And welcome to the awesome world of Fallout Equestria and Fallout Equestria byproducts.

5565714 Your critiques been have duly noted and I made said alterations, hopefully this has improved it and I've not done it incorrectly.
Thank you for the honest and descriptive critique on what to improve it's always appreciated.

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