Lighting Dash has been practicing for weeks for his final Flight Test. He wants to become Equestria's greatest flyer, but none of the teachers at Flight School can keep up with him. So, his parents reach out to a legendary mare for help. But what was supposed to be a simple overnight camping trip ends up becoming a wild ride of survival, and the young colt will discover just how much skill he truly has....
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This story takes place in the Legacy universe, 50 years after the events of MLP:FIM Season 4.
Artwork by LostInTheTrees
Chapters (1)
Since this is based off of another story, I won't read this one but I still wish you luck. I hope you have something planned out if you win a drawing. I bet you'll win for sure.
6094171 Thanks! And it isn't so much as based on another story, as part of the same timeline as my bigger one. I tried to write this to stand on its own. Reading the other will just fill in some details, but you really (I hope!) don't need to read it to understand this one. At least, that was my intention....
6094181
I see.
I'm glad we got five entries now. That's better than nothing at least.
This is an awesome story, and the idea is excellent. Although some parts feel too "chunky" and over detailed, you give us an excellent idea of what is happening on in this fic. Nevertheless, I would have a few questions for you:
Why did the fic need such a thorough description of places? Couldn't long chapters like these two:
“Sorry!” he called back, flying through the door and out into the large communal cavern beyond. It was a huge space, one that took almost a month to carve out, he was told. Oval in shape, with glow-strips mounted to the ceiling to light up the space, the cavern was easily large enough to hold several hundred ponies gathered on the floor. At the moment, several dozen were present, some flying in and out of various smaller caves and tunnels that opened into the cavern from different heights along the walls.
Banking to his left, Lightning flew along the floor, dodging around the Pegasus ponies that were busy pulling carts of food or other supplies. Most shouted as he darted between them, but the young flyer didn’t care. He was having too much fun!
Suddenly, the far wall of the cavern was right in front of him. While concentrating on dodging the carts, he had forgotten to pay attention to his surroundings. With a yell, the young colt managed to pull up at the last second, and ended up in a backwards loop that sent him careering away from the wall…
…and right into a large pile of empty crates.
“Ugh…” Lightning muttered, crawling out from the mess. Looking himself over revealed just a few bumps and bruises, but that was all. Lease I didn’t break anything this time, he thought.
Be simplified to this?
"Sorry!" He shouted, flying through the door into the large oval chamber.
Dashing through the glow strips and busy pegasi coming out of tunnels like bees in a beehive, he banked and rolled, almost touching the floor, showing his acrobatic skills. His mind was euphoric, Adrenalin being pumped up only by the sensation of speed and freedom.
All that made him ignore the wall just ahead, and he only saw it when he banged up hard on it, falling on a pile of empty crates. He moaned while looking at his bruises, but at least he didn't break anything...
Why can't LD be trained by Scootaloo? Did he already surpass her in flying skills?
Why only RD? Why is a 60+ old mare better than a younger pegasi who would have less experience but more energy?
Just a few questions to help you and help me to understand the story.
6094323 Thanks for the imput! And you're right, I prob over-did it a bit on descriptions. I guess you could say I'm still an amateur writer, that is, still learning. At the moment, this story is entered in the Poniverse 'Spring Has Sprung Contest', so I can't edit it, at least until the contest is over. Then will take your suggestion.
As for using Rainbow instead of Scootaloo or another Pegasus. An upcoming plot issue in my bigger story involves the Sonic Rainboom, and I've stuck with the premise that only Rainbow Dash has been able to pull it off. At least, until Lightning. That was the idea, that she has flying skills nopony else does, hence why she had to teach him. And you know somepony like Rainbow would have kept in shape over the years, lol.
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I'm sure she did, but even then, 50 years is a lot of wear on the body. All living bodies decay, and even though physical exercise is proven to keep muscular and bone mass, her body would still be more fragile than say Scootaloo, who is 20 something years younger.
There were things I very much liked and things I didn't like so much about this. First of all, thank you very much for taking the time to write this for the Poniverse Spring Has Sprung Contest, it's very much appreciated. On the plus side of things, I can say that aside from a few misspellings or misuse of words here and there, this is all in all very well written. I'm not acquainted with the Legacy universe, but you seemed very comfortable with the setting, and that's always a good thing.
On the more negative side of things, I won't go so far as to say that Lightning Dash was a Gary Stu, because he still had to work for what he got, but there were still Gary Stu-ish elements to him. I never was really worried just with the way he was written that anything wasn't going to turn out alright for him; in fact, I found myself more worried for Rainbow Dash than Lightning. And it was little things that took away my ability to worry about him, like how many times it got hit on the head that he's the fastest flyer not just among his peers but in the whole cave. When the biggest negative quality about your main character is that he's too good for his own good, that can be a bit of a stretch for some readers and get annoying to read. Let's take Star Wars, for example; the original trilogy didn't spend tons of time talking about what Luke could do, how super awesome he was, but rather people like Obi Wan or Yoda laid out for him what he had to do, and even then it wasn't always clear if he could do it, and sometimes he didn't even always do what they told him (like when he runs off to Cloud City at the end of Empire Strikes Back). Things were uncertain right up until the very end of Return of the Jedi because no one was sure if he would in the end come out on top. Contrast that to the prequel trilogy, where far too many bits are spent with Jedi talking about how "super-duper special" Anakin is, which just makes scenes where Hayden "He's Totally the Chosen One" Christensen pouts and whines like a bratty teenager all the harder to stomach, because we're supposed to believe that this guy is not only one of the greatest Jedi in the galaxy, but going to become Darth Vader. The one time that Christensen works in convincing audience members that he can be Darth Vader (something that reviewers like the Nostalgia Critic have pointed out) is when he isn't talking, but just using his body language to convey what he's feeling. So I'd say that in the future try harder to show, don't tell, your main character's abilities, especially if they are so much further ahead of their peers; if you are going to play up someone's abilities more blatantly, talk about their potential more than flat out saying "they can already do this or that." That's like if Frodo had been picked to carry the Ring to Mordor because everyone at the Council of Elrond determined unanimously that he was clearly the best choice to do it, there was obviously no one more qualified; obviously that's not what happened, yeah, they still chose him, but it was partly because he volunteered, and partly out of a leap of faith, going with their gut more than their head. I hope the length of this point doesn't suggest that I didn't enjoy this fic, I did, believe me; I'm just telling you this because there have been far too many writers on this site before who have written just some of the worst Mary Sues or Gary Stus ever. You're not there, believe me, you're not even close, but I'm just trying to help you nip in the bud whatever little worrisome elements there might be in your writing. Thank you again for writing this, and hope to see you participating in future competitions!