The world is slowly dying, eaten away by an unseen force bent upon the utter destruction of Equestria. Celestia had pinned her hopes on a pony that was meant to save the world. Somewhere along the way everything went astray.
Far to the south Chrysalis amasses her armies for the final battle between pony and changeling. Through the aid of a negative energy crystal a new breed of changeling has arrived. The world shall burn before the might of the Undying Swarm. Death has come for Equestria on pellucid wings.
Prior knowledge of the "The Stormlight Archive" isn't needed.
Artwork by viwrastupr.
http://viwrastupr.deviantart.com/
Chapters (1)
I think you can find the obvious errors if you gave it a second read-through, so I'm skipping the grammar part.
Gotta say, even for somebody who has read the Stormlight books, it's a bit confusing. Not sure why the Parshendi people and the Shin clothes have been combined with the Alethi Thrill.
I'm gonna guess that Blueblood's a Lightweaver, though it's strange that he's actually a good guy so far.
So is there going to be spren and stormlight? Gonna be interesting if so.
5597123 Thanks for the feedback.
About the clarity issue I'll go through it another time and try to hammer out the details a bit more.
Since you have read the series I'm sure you are familiar with the Cosmere. This isn't just a Stormlight crossover as I'll be taking parts from the whole cosmere, and adding them in ways I feel wouldn't take away from MLP to much.
The main ideas I'm adding are allomancy for the griffons and stormlight for the ponies. The changeling are the Listeners from the Stormlight Archives series
The spren will start making an appearance in chapter 2 and 3. When I introduce Twilight and Celestia's chapters.
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Allomantic griffons?!
mlpforums.com/uploads/monthly_05_2014/post-22402-0-19384500-1400940476.jpg
5598097 The problem is that if you want griffons to present a real challenge against a fortified army of magical ponies lead by a demigod they need more than just physical strength. I also think minotaurs would work well with a feruchemy system. We'll see though as it's just some ideas I've been working with.
Oh by the Lord Ruler...
Either she's exceptionally lonely, or someone is rioting her.
I'm guessing you're combining themes more than characters. I say this because I was looking forward to a bit of dialogue along the lines of, "'What am I?' Szeth whispered, a bit of Light leaking from his lips as he looked past the man down the hallway. 'I'm... sorry.'"
Szeth is a favorite of mine. I can't wait for his book. '
I gotta say. You're braver than I am. I wouldn't touch writing Cosmere fanfiction with a ten-foot pole simply because, knowing how Brandon writes, we know literally nothing of the "Big Picture."
This will be interesting to see where it goes. Keep up the good work!
5601473 Being a huge fan of his work I'm hoping I can do it justice. It will be difficult. Thankfully he has enough open to interpretation that I can work with it a little and try and make it believable in the MLP universe. I'll have to take some things out as they won't be needed. Seekers and smokers are one thing that won't really be useful, so I'll have to remove them or change them. Maybe a sense life/conceal kind of thing, idk yet.
I'll be adding an ars arcanum in a few days that may help shed light on the various magic systems of the ponies, changelings, minotaurs, and griffons.
I really wanted to have the Lord Ruler in MLP and after seeing AssassinMonkey's first contact I decided on the Griffon Empire. Although they won't present a real threat until later.
I'm really looking forward to reading Szeth's book too. I can't wait to see how him and Nightblood will work together.
Although he will be having a crisis of faith in time I wanted him to start as a troubled character caught up in loss (revenge) and duty. You will see what made him into the cold killer unlike his brother.
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By him I assume you mean Alik'vid, correct? Also, are we going to have a surrogate for Hoid? You can't have a Cosmere story without Hoid.
5603677 Hoid would be a hard one to do with only a single world. I may fool around with the idea.
5601473 You will have to wait and see.
5609388
" to everything—especially conflicting theories—or do what Brandon does and give them a RAFO (read and find out).
While I'm happy to see that I can still identify the effects of a rioting I have one word of advice, Midboss, don't tell a reader that their speculations are right. It partially undercuts the fun of the reader being able to shout "Called it!" later, and having a reader guess the correct outcome of a plot point is not a bad thing, it just means you did a good job foreshadowing. Seriously, I'm likely one of the few people who would have picked out that detail. I always give them a cheeky "Maybe,
Also, have you watched Brandon's lecture videos? I recommend them whenever I get the chance. They are phenomenal!!! If you haven't start here.
I hope you find them helpful!
5609579 Thanks for the advice. New to this so I appreciate it.
I didn't know he uploaded his lectures. I am so going to watch them.
Hey, do you think allomancy works on shardplate? Just wondering.
5611215 Due to shardplate shattering and reforming rather than denting or bending I feel that, at least, when empowered by gemstones it changes its properties. Allomancy can effect it slightly when cracked as it starts to regain its metal properties. The more damaged the shardplate the more power an Allomancer's powers can effect them. Even so due to the way pushing and pulling work and the sheer weight of a shardbearer it wouldn't be of much use.
Due to shardblades being a living metal they cannot be effected. Just as internal metals cannot be pulled or pushed.
Seven what?
I think it would be better to use "Dominion's so-called intelligence network".
How can she make sound untidy?
Should probably replace the period with a comma.
I think you need to clear this up. How does shaking her head give a baby a short journey?
I don't think 'brave' is the word you're looking for here. Maybe erase it. Also, considering it's not been properly introduced yet, only Stormlight readers will get what shardplate is. Also, 'baring' should be 'bearing' (though I'm not sure about this one).
Wrong emphasis.
Should break up 'Dodge Junction' and '50 miles'. And usually the Badlands is a place, unless your making it just a general area.
The mention of pavilions comes out of nowhere from the description of white tents, and the two rows bit is hard to visualize when we don't even know what the rows are for or where they are.
Should probably describe the quality of the maps instead of just stating that they were old. Like, were they old in actual physical age and their quality shows that, or just out-of-date?
I don't think we need to know this, since we already know that the Wonderbolts are aces.
I could rag on about how this seems illogical, but it's not important.
'Across'
There should be a comma after 'shocked'. Also, it's unclear which pegasus walked out.
I think this information can be conveyed less clunkily.
Also, if somebody is saying numbers, then they should be written as said. (e.g. 12,000 becomes twelve-thousand)
'provisions'
Should be a comma after 'magic'.
Comma after 'week'.
Now it's just confusing. You're interjecting with Celestia's actual thoughts, but then adding in things from Celestia's perspective, which is confusing when the part is not written entirely in Celestia's perspective, while also changing to present tense without italics, so now it's unclear whether it's Celestia's direct thoughts or just an idle observation.
Comma after 'case'.
'definitely'
Period after border.
Period after 'saluted', Capitalize the 'yes'.
Now Celestia's jumping to conclusions.
Period after 'sighed'.
Do you mean the Moon? Or is this something else?
'collapsed'
Filly's what?
I just find this line somewhat un-Trixie. I mean, it's possible, but it just doesn't feel right.
Final thoughts: there's a lot of sentences that need a comma placed somewhere, but I am not going to quote them all here. The use of dates and places don't make sense; how does Celestia know it was 4000 years ago, since it's from her perspective? And the Trixie flashback doesn't need a date and place, since these could be integrated later. The war camp could use a little more description in terms of layout. Also, there are places where perspective and direct thoughts get unclear and confusing.
5617279 Wow, you really gave me some excellent feedback. Sorry about the half-baked release. Some assignments are coming due this weekend, and I'll be out of town next weekend. I wanted to get a chapter out before moving on to rl stuff.
I really appreciate you taking the time to give such an in-depth response.
I've made the corrections you brought to my attention, and will look for anymore when I have time.
As for the Trixie's addition and dialogue in the story. She is the only real character in the show that is a major liar. She also has very little background canon making her perfect for the tragic role of Shallan.
With most dialogue I try to mimic the "master transcripts" from the episodes, so it shouldn't be to far off. Her third person speech is only used around an audience, though she does keep a somewhat refined vocab even in personal conversations. Her refined manner is to be expected considering she also went to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns.
5617279 The date placement is from the fact that it's not the first time Celestia has been there. Also that she knows the city by a merely glance should lend to this. There is a lot in Celestia's dream that should throw up red flags on this topic.
Trixie's "dream" is of a specific event from her past so she would know the location and date.
However, like you said they aren't really needed.
The reason I put the date so far back is that written history can arguably to dated back for thousands of years. Moreover, there is history from before Celestia and Luna came to (or born in) Equestria. Hearth's Warming Eve showed a time before the sisters, and even than they had a library. Which would contain even earlier histories.
Hold on! Blueblood and Luna?! Isn't he Celestia's nephew? Isn't that incest?! Not that I mind a little shipping like that here and there, but
I got lost in the last part. Weird names and weird magic thingy. I'm going to need a short summary on why they wish to kill the night goddess.
Nobody points out these typos! Well, insane mind, looks like we have to Grammar Natzi our way through another one.
Need an s at the end of beast.
Need a t at the end of though to make it the word thought.
Should that not be spelt slightest and not slightly?
5627233 Haha, well considering their last blood relation was roughly 1040 years ago (being 52 times removed) on Celestia's mother's side of the family, there would be little to no real blood relation anymore, so it could hardly be called incest.
http://comments.deviantart.com/4/1603670/1932962564
Plus I could say more but I don't want to give away plot. Let's just say I don't like Blueblood.
The names arent meant to be like other pony names. The the last two scenes should give hints about who these characters are. I put a lot of subtext throughout the prologue and chapter one, but I feel I was too vague.
The weapon that he is wielding is a shardblade, they can cut through any normal object with as little resistance as running your hand through water. That is why her armor and weapon didn't save her. Shardblades sever the soul from living flesh. More will be explained by Twilight's research into the assassin and his strange weapon and armor.
His armor is Shardplate (btw Celestia is wearing Shardplate and wielding a shardblade in the cover art), it is formed and powered by Stormlight enchanted gems. It is nearly indestructible by conventional means, and also enhances the wearers strength and speed. However, two hits from a shardblade will shatter the armor.
After all what chance would a unicorn have up against a dimigod without an enchanted weapon and armor.
Thanks for pointing out those errors. I'll fix them in the morning.
Sorry if there are typos in this. Replying from my phone at 2:30 am.
Alicorn city? Enslaved mortals? Bloodthirsty beings? What the fuck am I reading?! Dear, God I need another chapter of this. I can't take it any more, I need to know what happens next.
5627875 Thanks for clearing a bit of the last part up, but the prologue and the first chapter leave so many damn questions. I'm going to have a hard time waiting for the next chapter. You wouldn't happen to have a rough release date?
5627956 I'm roughly 3,500 words into the next chapter, but I have a lot of homework and a conference next weekend. I'll probably release it in two weeks. It's going to focus on twilight's investigation and leading up to the battle between Celestia and the changelings.
I found this picture on Deviant art and thought to myself, "Why that looks like the Shattered Plains..." And now when I found out it was a commission I've found myself here. It needs to be read!
5675279 Haha.
How does this not have more likes? It's amazing!
I am sorry to say that I am not going to read this fic as I consider any parody of the Stormlight Archives sacrilege. However, I must applaud and give a full toast to your class in knowing this book, and your bravery for being willing to attempt to not quite improve, but not quite worsen, the greatest book series ever written.
Also, I'm saving that pic.
I seem to be in the weird situation where a bunch of chapters used to be here but aren't anymore. Kinda sucks cause this looks great.
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Really, that is a shame, if anyone has a backup or the author sees this, I would love to see them.