Bon Bon awakens one morning to find a timberwolf in her home. Learning that Lyra is the wolf, the two search for a way to turn Lyra back to a pony.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 13th May, 2013
- offline last seen May 3rd, 2021
Yoshi1990
Just a guy who loves the Nintendo character, Yoshi. (and ponies)
Yoshi1990
Joined 13th May, 2013 ·
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the headcanonn is strong in this one
Good story but the Dialogue is a bit dry. Some of it reads as if they're robots or something.
I'd go back and make 'em sound more organic.
... What?
This started out funny, then it got weird. Magical junk, k, cool. Weaponized candy, Roseluck being all Dr Who and shit, Colgate is god of time, and Crystalsis is chilling in the Crystal Empire?
Yeah, no thank you. I'm not going to sit here and try to figure this mess out of how this is.
5546636 It's impossible to please everyone.
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131028212517/mlp/images/a/a4/FANMADE_Pinkie_Pie_shrug.png
5546809
It's not so much about pleasing everyone as it is about writing a story that makes sense. This isn't a story with headcanon that goes against the normal grain, you're on a completely different piece of wood. You need to find an editor for this, work on dialogue and flow, and make it less full of weird headcanon.
Unless you really don't give a shit, then carry on.
5548778
The headcannon won't be leaving. So unless the editor is good at meshing headcannon into a story while making it less awkward, it will still be awkward to the reader. Getting an editor for the dialog (and maybe flow) would not be a problem. (I might have one by next weekend) I don't know if I could find an editor who would want to put enough effort into my stories to make my headcannon flow well with readers. And I'm not skilled in that department.
I'm just a low level author putting my created world onto a place where others can see some of it. I can't exactly explain my entire headcannon world, so what ya get is what ya get.
5549224 I wasn't going to say anything, but from the sounds of it, it looks like you're saying that you will just write any nonsense you can think of and dump all of the work on the editor to some how make it all work for the reader's by magic. You should at least try to think up a way to make sense to this story to the reader and not just be lazy and just dump all the work on an editor while you just randomly write any kind of contradictory nonsense and just hope the editor can make is work somehow someway, even if it's the most impossible thing in the world and just somehow make it work. It doesn't work like that. You can't just dump all of these head canon ideas all at one time and expect the reader to just say,"Oh, that makes perfect sense" even when it is the most convoluted and nonsensical thing in the world.
If you want someone to help you, you might need to change your attitude a bit and actually try and put effort and a thought process yourself and not expect someone else to do all the heavy lifting while you just sit back, that's not working as a team and you will never get an editor or a good story that way.
5647514 This is the first time I've had complaints about the headcannon. I know it can look like a bunch of nonsense, but it all has a reason and meaning and all connects, even if it's not specifically in this story. I can't explain all my headcannon in a small story, especially with my level of writing. I don't know how to explain it to the reader without it being an information dump that has no effect on the story. I can't practice what I don't know, I can't know it unless someone teaches me. so that's where an editor would come in, help me make changes, tell me how/why they are needed. Then I can practice that knowledge myself. I don't even want editors, but I need them if I am going to learn.
My lack of caring what others think about my stories is a problem, but I'll continue moving forward, and learning to write better. But I can't get better if I don't make mistakes, and I can't make mistakes if I don't experiment. It might not be fast, but I am getting better. Although it might not be visible from reading one story.
you would have met with a terrible fate. The notes go as follows, b-a-f---b-a-f---b-a-e-d-e?" I know a Zelda reference when I see one.
Bravo for throwing it in though
6326977 I like throwing in refrences to all the stuff I like, and I like the Zelda games.
5648041 I respect the fact that you're trying to learn and improve.
That's better than a lot of other authors on this site. 
I don't think I can give this an upvote, but I don't quite think I should give it a downvote either. It's just...meh. It needs work, as I know you know, from seeing your comments on here, author, but I've definitely seen worse...much worse...*shudders*
I hope maybe I can return some time to your story list and find you've written something great! Here's to growth!
6579464 It's always nice to see a new comment. Sadly I don't think I'll ever be able to write a "great" story. The way I think and process dose not translate too well onto readable formats. I really do wish I could have found editors for my stories. I've just been cursed with bad luck on finding/keeping editors.
6579865 That's too bad. You can always try your best to make improvements though!