A Journey Beyond Sanity

by Darkwing Dust

Chapter Fifty-Eight: The Seeds of Affection

Been a while since I was last up here.

And for good reason, I think. Between hanging out with my friends and researching as much I can about balance, the time to rest upon this hill overlooking the town had been scarce nowadays. But today, I managed to find time, immediately arriving to this place after this morning's session was completed, so I can gather my thoughts and dwell on the topic that I've been admittedly trying to forget about for a while.

My... Crush... On Twilight.

Not that I was hesitant to admit that - To myself, anyway - but the reality of it still sounded overall surreal; more bizarre than being trapped in a world where its residents looked as though they've been through an exploded rainbow factory. I decided now was finally the time to think about this unwarranted situation, and how best to deal with it. Though I've been handling it just fine, apart from a few embarrassing stutters and nervous expressions here and there whenever around the oblivious mare.

However, my train of thought was derailed by the dragon who had accompany me here. "Hey Stardust?"

Forcibly pushing the unicorn to one side of my mind a moment, I leaned my head to the side. "Hm?"

Spike was lying down beside me, our gazes focused directly on the clear azure skies. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

Now where did that come from? "Yes, and I appreciate that, Spike."

"Just checking." I imagined the infant lizard shrugged. "Because you've been looking intense since we got here." Oh, so he noticed? "Something you wanna talk about?"

And possibly endanger my friendship with Twilight? Not just yet, my reptilian friend. "I'm fine, Spike." I said reassuringly. "It's nothing bad, I've just... Got a lot on my plate right now."

"Huh?"

"Meaning I'm dealing with a lot of things currently."

"Ah." And he stayed quiet for a while.

So where was I? Ah yes. My bizarre infatuation with the purple unicorn. Where do I even begin? Aside from the fact it's completely unholy and plain wrong, but in addition that Twilight deserved someone far greater than I. My species would probably kill me for having this high amount of affection towards an equine-

"Like what?"

God dammit.

"Nothing important." I almost snapped, taking a pause to breathe deeply,

Anyway, what benefit would to be gained by this crush on her? Twilight would never in her right mind return the feelings, let alone agree to date me; she's far too mature and intelligent to waste her affections on someone like me. The fact she's recently been behaving unusual as of late means nothing-

"Does it have something to do with Twilight?"

Spike...

"You know what?" I said, standing up briskly. Spike was startled at my abrupt movement, before following suit. "I'm hungry. Why don't we see how the Cakes are doing?" His hungry expression was the only answer I needed.

---

While the dragon was rushing ahead, eager to devour the savory dishes offered by Sugarcube Corner, I returned to my previous thoughts. As I was saying, the idea alone over Twilight and I dating is ludicrous enough; and that little picnic together during Valentine's Day didn't count. The mare was an intelligent, mature and independent hu- Individual, while I was an autistic manchild who relies heavily on others.

I mean, for a start, what did we have in common? My mind began drawing comparisons. We both love books and reading, that's a start. We both enjoy learning new things, there's that. We often grow exasperated over the antics of our friends. Plus we would both throw ourselves into danger for the safety of those we care about.

Apart from all that, nothing.

Additionally, another factor to consider was the fact that Twilight was more focused on studying the magic of friendship, still being a pupil of Celestia's. That I understood and often encouraged of her; her desire to learn and please her mentor was something I'd rather not interfere with, my dislike of Celestia aside. Romance would be the last thing on Twilight's mind right now, and I had no intention on distracting the determined unicorn from her priorities.

All in all, Twilight deserved the very best Equestria had to offer. As long as she was happy, then I'm happy.

An image of a certain blue-haired stereotype from the movies came to mind, which immediately incited my irritated frown. Okay, Twilight deserved way more than THAT too.

...Also, there's the fact that I don't even have a clue over Twilight's age. I never presumed to ask. I'm guessing fifteen or sixteen, though with her Birthday a while back it could be seventeen. Heaven forbid Celestia make a fifteen-year-old into a ruler of an entire town.

"Stardust?"

Once again, interrupted from my thought process.

To my left, I was approached by Bon Bon, Lyra and Derpy, who looked pleased to see me. The cream Earth Pony continued, frowning softly. "Are you okay? You look... Disturbed."

"What gave it away?" I asked dryly, before shaking my head. "I'm fine, thank you... How are you three?"

Before Bon Bon could inquire further, Derpy answered happily, "We're great! We're one our way to Sugarcube Corner to try out these rare muffins the Cakes had ordered just today! Wanna join us?" Lyra just beamed without a care in the world.

...Why not? It's been a while since I've last hung out with these three.

"Funny, I was heading there myself with Spike." Speak of the Devil. The dragon was waiting for us from the other end of the street, tapping his foot impatiently. I chuckled, "The boy has a craving for sugar, I swear."

"Don't all kids?" Bon Bon inquired jokingly, as we headed forward to join the waiting lizard. "So then, what's bothering you? And don't say it's nothing, Stardust, I know you well enough to notice otherwise." She added before I could answer with the automatic response.

"You know me well." I replied without humour. Christ, this dilemma must be causing me more distress than I thought. "I just... Well, it's... I..."

...Genius, Stardust.

"You sound nervous, Star." I frowned at the nickname, while Lyra simply smiled... Slyly, I might add. "Is it someone you're thinking about...?"

Before I could quickly deny the accurate accusation, another voice interjected, "I should think so."

Ohh just what I need right now.

Exhaling sharply, I glanced at the approaching Earth Pony. Octavia, in all her British stereotype glory, walked elegantly towards us. "Hello dear Stardust. Hello girls."

"Hi Octavia!" Lyra greeted.

"I see you've finally escaped the confines of the Golden Oak Library, Stardust." The classy voice continued, and I didn't bother even looking at the mare. That incited her huff, "No need for pretended annoyance, deary. I'd assume you would be happy to view a familiar face aside from Miss Sparkle."

You'd assume incorrectly.

Finally meeting that pink gaze, I forced a smile. "Forgive me, Octavia, but I'm not in the mood right now to be hit on by an... By anyone. So if you'll excuse me."

The grey Earth Pony blinked at my sudden departure, before pursuing, to my further annoyance. "You misunderstand, my dear Stardust." A low growl escaped my muzzle at the infuriating address, but she seemed not to have noticed. "I merely wished to interact with you once again, after I haven't seen you for quite a while, Hero of Canterlot."

That stopped me in my tracks.

"Hero of what now?" I heard Derpy ask from behind.

"Oh, you didn't know?" Octavia proceeded to explain. "Our handsome stallion here-" Please kill me right now. "- Was responsible for saving the royal wedding between Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Captain of the Royal Guards, Shining Armor. In addition, he has been instrumental in saving the kingdom time and time again, earning him the appropriate title."

Appropriate my [BEEP]. Glancing back, I said sharply, "I'm no hero." Before continuing on my way.

But God dammit, the Earth Pony refused to give up. "I respectfully disagree. Your continuous actions in Canterlot has earned you this remarkable reputation. Why, any mare would be fortunate enough to be with you-"

That does it.

"Look." I began after ceasing walking, turning swiftly to face the blinking mares. "I'm not a hero, and I'm not in the mood to date anyone, including you Octavia. If you want to be my friend, that's fine. But I do not see you that way, nor will I ever. To make you simply understand, I'll put it like this: I don't date ponies. Okay?"

The statement caused her to frown in confusion. "But, dear, you are a-"

"Stop. Calling. Me. That." Finally, she shut her mouth at my annoyed growl. Though even the others seemed stunned by my heated look and tone. "You know absolutely nothing about me, and it will stay that way until the end of time. If you have any intention of flirting with me still, then I respectfully insist that you simply sod off, before I get really [BEEP] off. Good day Octavia."

My work done, I returned to heading towards Spike, who looked a little concerned by the conversation just then. Behind me, I heard multiple stomping hoofs, indicating Bon Bon, Lyra and Derpy were accompanying us to Sugarcube Corner still.

"Don't worry about it." I reassured the lizard as he opened his mouth to ask, remnants of irritation leaking from my tone. "I just rid ourselves of an inconvenience."

God, I need a soda...

---

I just thought of another factor, one that should've been the most glaring obvious flaw. The fact that eventually I'll return to my home world, so dating Twilight would be pointless for the very beginning. And would I really want to potentially devastate the young mare like that for absolutely no reason?

Of course not.

After finishing spending time with the other mares and Spike, I managed to slip away, wishing to continue being by myself and my thoughts. And to do that I'd have to be away from the entire town a little, heading my way towards Sweet Apple Acres just to get some fresh air. Despite my initial dislike for farms in general, Applejack's place has a certain charm to it that you couldn't look at this place with disdain.

Not that much disdain, anyway.

Christ, I haven't been here since my training, preparing myself for the previous looming Changeling threat. Ever since Syphilis and her minions were defeated and banished from Canterlot, there was no further need for me to continue my exercises, despite my friend's protests otherwise. Nope, I was done with all that now, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to pay Applejack a visit, since I really didn't feel like going back to the library just yet and the farm was the closest residence-

Oh hello, what's this? If it ain't Tweedle-[BEEP] and Tweedle-[BEEP].

At the entrance of the farm gate, entering the place themselves were the snobbish Diamond Tiara and her glasses friend; whatever-the-[BEEP]-Her-Name-Was. Has something to do with a spoon? Ah who gives a [BEEP]? But still, what were they doing here? Why else, to pick on the three other fillies, I imagine.

Welp, better prevent that from happening. I followed after the two smug-looking children.

By the time I caught up - as I was in no hurry to - the two fillies were eavesdropping on something at the farmhouse, before entering the place beyond my sight. Walking over to their previous hiding spot, I listened in on what they were conversing about.

"It's a pumpkin." That proud voice belonged to Apple Bloom.

"Mm more like a lame-kin." Tiara replied, inciting my eye roll while her accomplice chuckled at the insult.

Scathing.

"Who's the new blank flank?" Oh, they have a visitor?

Apple Bloom responded for the new arrival, "She's my cousin, Babs." Babs... Babs... Hm, nope, can't seem to recall anyone named that. "She's from Manehattan."

Don't get me started on how stupid that pun name of a city is.

"Manehattan huh?" Tiara inquired with a hint of interest. "Well, I guess you have that going for you."

Impudent little brat...

Having half a mind to storm in there and scold the two unwelcome fillies, an unfamiliar voice spoke up. Evidently Tiara's pet friend, "Suppose you're gonna join their club, what's it called, the Cutie Mark Crusaders?"

A pause, before another unknown voice replied, "More like the Cutie Mark Crybabies." I frowned, sensing this was somehow all familiar.

Wait... Blank flank pony arrives in Ponyville, joins up with Tiara and her crony... Oh!

Oh right, yes, I've seen this episode. Christ, the more I stay here the more I keep forgetting about these things. I remember being basically indifferent to this episode, save for the fact the Crusaders practically rigging their ride for the upcoming parade with a bomb.

CRASH!

What the-?!

Finally peeking my head through the doorway, my eyes widened at the incoming object, a large round pumpkin which was presumably the ride, rolling its way out the farm. Oh no you don't! Quickly, I lunged forward and, with two limbs thrust forward, caught the rolling ride before it could possibly damage the farm, two firm hoofs keeping the groaning object in place.

...Heh, guess building those muscles for against the Changelings wasn't the only thing I needed them for. Slowly, while the thing felt quite heavy, I carefully pushed, rolling the thing back inside.

"Keep out the way." I informed the fillies within, passing by the happily surprised Crusaders, along with the annoyed-looking Tiara and her crony. The brown filly with a short pink mane, Babs of course, looked simply stunned. Rolling it to the end of the room, and placing it in a position where it wouldn't move on its own accord again, I released the pumpkin-shaped vehicle and stepped back, keeping my eyes on it just in case.

That was close.

"No one was hurt?" I asked after tearing my gaze from the machine.

"Nu-uh." Apple Bloom answered, shaking her head. "But what are ya doin' here, Stardust?"

Ignoring that question for a brief moment, my gaze turned directly on the other three fillies, who gulped at my expression. Pointing at the doorway, I addressed curtly towards Tiara and the grey filly, "I don't tolerate bullies, especially those who pick on my friend's sisters. Clear off, the pair of you."

The two happily obliged, sending one last sneering looks at the Crusaders before running off. "Woo!" Sweetie Belle sighed in relief. "Thanks Stardust. I thought we'd never get rid of them."

But I wasn't done yet, my attention then focused on the cowering tanned-looking Earth Pony, who quickly retreated behind the backs of the surprised Crusaders. My gaze did not falter, though my tone softened slightly, "No one likes a bully, kid. You're a relative of Apple Bloom's, I presume?"

The filly in question spoke for her scared cousin. "Yep, this here's my cousin Babs Seed." Glancing at the Earth Pony, she looked rather disgruntled at her relative, "Although, I'm not sure why she'd pick Diamond Tiara's side jus' then."

"She's responsible for this?" I inclined my head towards the damaged vehicle. At their nods, I nodded in turn. Thought so. "I have half a mind to inform Applejack about this."

"Don't we all?" Scootaloo asked rhetorically, while Babs looked rather frightened at the concept, prompting my annoyed gaze.

"You can't expect to get away with being a bully, Miss Seed." The young filly then muttered something. "What was that?"

She winced, before speaking more clearly, "The bullies at Manehattan sure do..."

...Ah.

"So that's what this is all about?" She looked away while I approached, the Crusaders stepping to the sides for me to address the young troubled filly more clearly. "Well, becoming a bully doesn't change things, nor does it make you any better than them. Is it hard for you to report this bullying to your teacher or parents?"

"Freak..."

No answer.

"...You shouldn't keep this kind of problem to yourself." Stardust you hypocrite. "Telling either a teacher or your parents will help stop that unwarranted bullying, you should never be afraid otherwise." She hesitantly glanced up, prompting my small smile. "Look, I know what you're going through, Miss Seed. I've been bullied for the majority of my life." The Crusader's eyes widened at this reveal, a part of my life than I haven't even divulged to Twilight. "It sucks, I know, and sometimes you feel as though nothing can be done about it. Like you, I tried to ignore the problem and handle it myself. But you know what?"

"Weirdo..."

"What...?" Babs asked, sounding genuinely curious, as I now had her and the Crusader's undivided attention.

"Attention seeker..."

"I managed to tell others, in the end. And they sorted it out, as your parents and teachers will do so too." I replied, restraining the urge to place a hoof of comfort on this kindred spirit. "Don't be afraid to tell others."

"[BEEP] weirdo..."

Wish those flashbacks would just [BEEP] off already...

"That's right!" Apple Bloom added in, now finally understanding the dilemma with her cousin. The three young fillies surrounded the uncertain Earth Pony. "You shouldn' have to deal with them bullies at Manehattan all by yerself. You've got your teachers and parents to help ya out!"

Sweetie Belle pitched in, "And also don't be afraid to let your friends help you. There will certainly be others there willing to stand up for you and be your friend."

Scootaloo concluded the words of encouragement, "You don't have to face your problems alone. And if they keep on bullying you, we'll head straight to Manehattan ourselves and give them a piece of our minds!"

"Mm-hm!" Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle hummed in agreement.

"...Well gee." Babs said while looking down, clearly ashamed. "I-I'm sorry, I just... Didn't want to be picked on here as well..."

"Ya won't be! Right girls?" The other two nodded at Apple Bloom, who beamed at her relative. "We'll be here to watch your back."

"R-Really...?" Hope was beginning to leak from Bab's quiet tone. At their smiles of encouragement, a small relived one spread across her muzzle. "I dunno what to say..."

"You can start by apologizing for wrecking their hard work." I supplied, before walking back towards the damaged vehicle and removing my cape. While I'm here, better help with repairs. "Then you can help me fix this thing in time for the parade."

---

What was the parade about again? Something in relation with summer and harvesting... Ah well, don't care. I'm just happy that we managed to fix the Crusader's ride in time for it.

And off they go, waving to the crowd from their open window of their giant yellow pumpkin-shaped vehicle, Babs Seed having made up with them and joined them in the parade. As they waved to me while passing by down the street, myself at one end of the crowd that was still being filled, I waved back, satisfied that everything was resolved without potential harm.

Like say, rigging the giant ride with a bomb.

Watching the back of the wooden-machine as it continued on its way with the other vegetable-shaped vehicles, I noticed five of the Mane Six - the exception being Pinkie Pie, who was driving one of those rides herself - feet away, all focusing happily on the parade passing by them. I tried my best not to stare transfixed on one particular mare.

Too late though, as Twilight obviously sensed that someone was observing her like a dumb teenage boy, and met my gaze from afar, smiling at the sight of me. And although I smiled back, rather nervously for whatever reason I might add, the unicorn then quickly looked down on the soil ground, looking positively flustered herself, inciting my frown. There she goes again, what the Hell keeps provoking such a reaction from her towards me-?

...No.

She didn't... Know, did she?

Glancing back at me, Twilight's smile turned rather meek, confirming these horrifying suspicions all the more. God dammit! I can't even be subtle when expressing these conflicting emotions! Immediately, I turned around and resolved to get away as quickly as possible. God forbid I have that awkward conversation with Twilight if she already knew about my emotions towards her.

"Hey Stardust! Wait up!"

The feminine accented voice caused me to halt. Thankfully - despite a small bit of disappointment was present - it didn't belong to Twilight.

"Applejack." I greeted without facing her, hearing her approaching footsteps. "Shouldn't you be watching your sister and cousin?"

"Already done so." The orange mare responded, walking around to see my reluctant face. The Earth Pony was positively beaming. "I just wanted to thank ya, again, for helpin' out my sister and cousin like that. I was worried that Babs' visit to Ponyville wouldn' have turned out so well, but you and the girls made sure she's havin' the time of her life."

"It was my pleasure." I replied flatly. Wow, what was with me today?

Applejack seemed to have noticed my dour mood as well. "Everythin' alright sugarcube?"

Not really. "I'm fine. I just..." Shaking my head, I proceeded to walk off, yet the mare followed.

"Somethin' obviously botherin', maybe I can help?"

"I'm fine, again, thank you Applejack. I just... Need some time to myself, from everyone." I admitted, not wanting to offend the Earth Pony in the least... Though a small part of my mind deemed that unimportant.

The Hell...?

"Ah, gotcha." Applejack winked in understanding, already turning around to return to the others. "Well, if ya wanna talk about it, just know that your friends are always here to help."

"Thanks Applejack." A strained smile overtook my muzzle as she nodded and walked off, followed by a mutter, "Though I highly doubt any of you can help me with this..."

Perhaps a little time away from the library and everyone else will do me some good.

Comments

[Darkheretic]

Don't know how to feel bout this chapter. Think I might know what's going on maybe

[Darkwing Dust]

7159303 Believe me, reading all those chapters from eons ago to my baby sister pointed out the many hiccups and mistake I've made. But honestly, I'm far too tardy to do anything about it right now; no one seems to be complaining too much about it anyway. :p

[Snow]

7159328 That's because overall it's written well enough to overlook them. Things like not butting in as a stupid 'seventh element of harmony' or other cheesey overdone tropes really help, too.

Then again, I haven't edited my own work that extensively either, and I'm a little silly for leaving them as is as sort of a... hmm. Oh dear I can't think of the word at the moment. I leave it as it is to act as sort of a benchmark of my writing, as well as because I I'm kinda happy with it just the way it is, errors and all. I suppose you might be the same way, really.

[Darkwing Dust]

7159456 Yes that's probably it. They also serve as a reminder over how I can improve and not to make the same mistakes.

And what can I say? I like to be creative. Exhibit A: My OC is an Earth Pony. XD

[Mix-up]

sorry for not commenting, on your story lately, I am very busy at the moment. Well, I find it interesting that you go so far to change the outcome of the episodes, so much with Stardust meddling, but still manages to keep the overall you manage to keep the overall moral of the story with something putting it in an interesting angle. being a fellow Autistic like Stardust, I know he pains of not having the social skills to make himself an easy target for bullies because of the fact that they are easily isolated from the rest of the group of children or otherwise. It is surprising how how i see of myself in Stardust's self-loathing, self-deprecation, and intense self-criticism; it has been the source of many grievances for me. I think it is perfectly understandably of Stardust reluctance to entertain the idea of loving a pony seeing that humans would see it automatically a bestiality, and wouldn't be tolerated. So, his personal struggles on the matter are perfectly justified and I am looking forward to see how he will resolve himself on the matter.

[Darkwing Dust]

7159763 Oh believe me, nothing would please myself or Stardust more than to solve everything and give the oh-so wise rulers of Equestria the middle finger, but there are always repercussions to consider. The thing is though, Stardust arrived in Equestria during a time when he- when I - hardly watched any of the episodes save for a couple in an incoherent line; he's forced to follow along until he can help change something either insignificant - say a filler episode - or an event he does recognize. Stardust may occasionally be impulsive with his actions and decisions, but he's still cautious enough to consider the consequences of his actions.

Reckless, but not stupid.

[Snow]

7159789 Well perhaps not Stardust himself but it's a trend in these kind of fics in general. And again, not 'solving'. Derailing. Wrecking the timeline beyond any semblance of itself and chance of recovery, short of actually killing or maiming somepony. And doing so on purpose.

[Darkwing Dust]

7161603 Tempting but I only ask others to make the covers for the story; I wouldn't dare overstep my boundaries by thinking my story deserves that much attention. XD

[Darkwing Dust]

7165944 It would mean a lot to him. :p

[Snow]

7165955 What I mean is, what he's revealing wouldn't mean much to Twilight, but I suppose the act would.

[Texus]

7165944 even if it is complicated, I don't see how she could not at least understand that he is really not normal, and not only the way she already noticed it, but not normal for his own standarts. I mean I ony knew that much about it and I still sort of know what it is.

What I mean is, it is not like someone needed to explain it to me in all the details.

[DerpyDucks]

My only problem with this story is the cheesy fights and the terrible kinda cringey doctor who refrences.

[Truthseeker]

Okay, I have to speak up here. The part he told Babs was absolute BULL. Telling teachers or parents NEVER solves bullying problems. Hell, 99% of the time it's the damn teachers who start the shit! I should know! Hell, my wife has a learning disability and one of her teachers fucking called her stupid to her face! Fuck the 'tell somebody' ideal. It does not work. You have to deal with the bullies yourself. Preferably with a baseball bat to the cranium! If you don't stand up for youself the bullying will get worse until the bullies try to fucking murder you if you don't do what they say. Fuck all bullies. I hope they all die.

[silvadel]

8877618
Actually there is another way. It is harder in a way, but it works. If you provoke the bully into actually beating you up and don't fight back the authority figures have no choice but to deal with it harshly as they can't let students end up potentially dead on their watch.