A Journey Beyond Sanity

by Darkwing Dust

Chapter 161: Walking Disaster

By God I looked so out of place.

Like, it's a detail I've noticed since returning to human form, glaringly obvious every time I see any of my body parts in line of sight, but it's almost mesmerizing how uncanny valley I was in contrast to the vibrant and fictional-like surroundings. As opposed to the realistic human form I was walking around in then.

I took a moment to admire my hands, twirling them in wonder at the bizarre contrast, a short break from the heavy work Applejack has bestowed upon me.

"Somethin' wrong sugarcube?"

Speaking of which. I quickly called out to the orange mare peeking her head through the red doors. "No, everything's fine, sorry." I added with an unconvincing grin. With a perked brow, Applejack left the stables and prompted me to get back to work, picking up the stacked bale of hay with a heavy grunt.

Heave-ho. Hay; stronger than it looks. It almost felt like my back was gonna break by this lifting.

Anyway, uncanny valley. Imagine if, all those years ago, I first arrived in Equestria as a human first and interacted with the locals, who do you think would've been more freaked out? The human talking to the colourful vocal equines or the inhabitants towards the two-legged hairless ape? My money's on the ponies, considering how easily skittish they were towards anything new and unexplained.

Jesus, looking at myself was so jarring, even from the mirror I past by. You'd have to blink twice at the realism interacting with the fiction, even when I'm literally doing so right now it's still a hard image to maintain.

Ya best start believin' in cartoons, Mr. Wright. You're in one.

Ha! Thanks Barbossa.

"Here ya go." Oh, Applejack decided to check up again with a glass of apple juice to the side, the farmer smiling lightly. "Freshly squeezed and on the house! Figured ya needed it."

Setting the next bale down, I grinned appreciatively and took the glass, taking a big gulp followed with a light grimace. Ugh... Pure apple juice. Strong flavour, to put it mildly. "Cheers." I managed to say as the taste lingered on my tongue.

"Least I could do with the extra help." Applejack beamed, cheerfully oblivious to my small plight. "Thanks again for helpin' out around the farm Star. With Apple Bloom busy with that school project of hers, it was mighty kind of yer to volunteer."

Why was I doing this, you might have some incentive to ask? Why else? Twilight. The lovable Princess continued against buying my bull[BEEP] about staying indoors and closed off from society for the time being, remarking that I haven't really been spending enough time with my friends in a while, my current condition being no excuse not to see my good said friends.

So here I was, carrying around hay and working at a disgusting disease-infested farm like my father a long time ago. I'll tell you what, I did not envy the man.

"How you feelin'?"

I shrugged whilst wincing at the weight being picked up from my hands. "A little strained, but nothing I can't handle..."

"Heh. Not that." Applejack seemed to hesitate briefly, watching me cautiously as I walked by like a penguin because of this damn bale. "I meant, how ya feelin' as... Y'know?"

Oh...

"Could be worse." I muttered, unable to shrug again at the moment. "So what's Apple Bloom's school project about?"

Of course, that was a shoddy attempt of changing the conversation, especially against arguably the most stubborn mare of my group of friends. "Writin' a report about somepony she idolizes." The humoured Earth Pony played along for the moment.

"Who of?"

"Well, it wouldn't be of someone desperately tryin' to change the conversation." Hmph. Applejack's gaze softened faintly. "Seriously though sugarcube. If you don't wanna talk about it, that's fine. Just don't make it a repeat of when you were so hopelessly stubborn against expressin' yerself like long ago, okay?"

"There's an irony..." This bale was really beginning to put a strain on me.

Applejack ignored the remark, planting an orange hoof on my leg as I prepared to fling the stack of hay over the next. The mare was smiling with encouragement. "We're here for you Star. Just remember that."

Yeah, you constantly remind me- Oof!

Alright, that's a sensation...!

"Stardust? What's wrong?" Applejack inquired suddenly from my rather abrupt reaction to pain, something in my back popping negatively and prompting me to clutch my hip, other hand gripped around the edge of hay.

Yep, this was bound to happen!

Immediately the mare suspected what was going on, helping me sit down against the hay with observation. "Guess you must've strained yerself too much." And unhelpfully added. "Gosh, ya should consider workin' on that there muscle of yours partner."

Thanks Applejack, always knowing what to say...

---

"Maybe recommending you to helping out Applejack wasn't the wisest choice at present..."

"Oh, you don't say... Ow!"

"At least you still have your dignity." Starlight pointed out with good humour, both mares tending to my internally pained body for no reason, Starlight carrying the supplies as Twilight pulled out the right tools to nurse my back and ankle.

Oh, how did I sprain my ankle you ask? Funny story, Big Mac was kind enough to to carry me back to the castle, leaving me by the front steps. Limping up caused me to trip and sprain my ankle.

...Actually, not a funny story.

"You're not usually this accident prone." Starlight continued with a light smile. "What's next, you'll stub your toe?" Oh God, don't jinx it for me! You joke my dear, but stubbed toes are arguably the worst sensation in the universe. Count yourselves lucky!

"Humans have a tendency for self-harm than most." Twilight muttered beside me, half her body in line of sight since she was focused on healing my sore back. "Maybe Rarity would've been the better alternative. Can't imagine sewing some clothes would do you further harm."

Um, you're kidding right? "One, Twilight, I don't sew." I counted from my fingers for emphasis. Hey if I have these things might as well use them. "And two, even if I did sew, you can easily prick your fingers doing so. Doesn't sound appealing in the slightest."

"Maybe baking with Pinkie Pie should be the next option." Starlight considered out-loud. "It's probably least capable of putting you in anymore pain, and you do enjoy baking Stardust."

"That, or you want more of my brownies." I had the wit at least to make that comment.

The unicorn shrugged with a coy smile. "They're really delicious, what can I say?"

Hm- Ugh!

"All done." The Princess and my girlfriend announced cheerfully, proceeding step off the couch and guiding me downwards, warm fuzzy hoofs pushing a bare chest to lay comfortably on soft material. "Lie down and rest for a while; your internal injuries should heal by later evening." And added with an extra cushion beneath my head followed with a bag of ice applied directly around my ankle, causing my brief flinch.

"Anything else, Nurse Friendship?"

Twilight smirked. "Well, now that you've mentioned it." Oh boy. "Aside from straining yourself today, how were you doing at Sweet Apple Acres?"

My fingers interlocked, resting on my stomach as I answered casually. "Fine, I guess." I mean, Granny Smith shrieked and fainted at the sight of me and Big Mac threatened to kick me into a wagon on sight. But aside from that, all went fine.

The purple alicorn nodded. "That's good at least." At least? "I was worried you'd have refused to help Applejack at all. I'm still impressed by your display with making that animal sanctuary all by yourself for Fluttershy."

"Don't make it sound like I'm totally inefficient love, sheesh..."

A lavender hoof brushed against dark strands of hair. "I'm not." The mare's tender voice replied, Twilight's breathtaking eyes staring down at me with a knowing expression. "I just don't want you to become so distant from everyone again, not after all the progress you've made. The progress we've made together." Just a moment before Twilight added suddenly. "I know you want to reassure us that everything's okay Jack, but that only makes us worry more. This current condition is affecting you more than you'd care to share, I can still pick up on that. That's why I have to ask Jack... Do you want to talk about it?"

...You're too good for me love. Far more than I deserved...

"I'm fine love, really." Twilight barely looked persuaded for a second. I reached up, gently stroking the mare's cheek in my palm with a faint grin. "Don't let my own plight interfere with more important uses of your time."

The Princess cracked a smile at that. "Nothing's more important than helping my special somepony through his plight... Or special somebody." And graced a warm peck to my forehead, unseeming to care about the spots resting atop it. "Get some rest, okay? I'll come back later." And walked slowly out of sight, as if reluctant to.

Starlight lingered for a moment, having watched the exchange with a foreign expression, but gave me a sheepish grin before hurriedly following after her former teacher. Leaving me in a silent bedroom with my own thoughts and empty sensation of already missing Twilight.

There is no shame in admitting weakness.

I scoffed lightly, regarding the blue ceiling idly. I know that, Starswirl, just as they know me enough to see through my bull[BEEP]. But why should I bring them enough angsty feelings now?

They're simply concerned towards their best friend, my student. And the Princess wasn't incorrect regarding your feelings against your condition... And something else.

There was a half a mind to look away at the TV or something, but that'd be pointless against an invisible spirit whom can read your every thought. That's a subject I'd prefer against talking about, teacher.

It wasn't your fault-

What did I just say...?

...Very well. He gracefully conceded, to my gratification. But I'm here for you as much as your friends are, remember that.

---

Three days.

I had spent three days trapped in my room.

Now, I was free to wander again. And my exploration took me outside around the castle, there the training area typically reserved for me was... Gathering dust. The obstacles course and punching bags unused and just... Sitting there. I walked - well, more limped really - and reached one pole, sighing whilst wiping off the dust threatening to overtake the whole course. Just another crude reminder of how long since I've become this again...

It's been, what, weeks now...?

"You miss it, huh?" My hazel eyes turned to the sympathetic expression of Starlight Glimmer, whom nodded to the course around us. "It's kinda surreal. I'm just as use to seeing you practice here daily."

Gaze dropped, I only shrugged helplessly.

Starlight continued after that with a soft voice. "It must feel awful; feeling so powerless and unreliable for losing your magic." I winced, Pretty much the case. "But Twilight's doing everything she can to fix this. We just gotta have faith in her."

"I do." There was never a moment since our relationship where I wouldn't trust Twilight with figuring out this type of mess. I looked back up with a determined frown. "I trust Twilight to help make things right, as much as I trust you to try cheering your good friend and brother up."

Starlight blinked at that, before catching on with a "Oh!" And grinned sheepishly. "You really consider us all some big family, huh?" I shrugged again, this time with a coy smile, and the mare giggled behind her hoof. "Heheheh, that's okay. I don't mind, makes me feel good inside... Like I belong, you know."

"You do belong." Despite what many of the fanbase may claim. "You've done so much for us all, Starlight. You're part of this big dysfunctional family whether you like it or not."

"See, I get the feeling that I should be saying such to you, Stardust." Starlight perked a humorous brow. "Or should I start calling you 'big bro' now, instead?"

"If you don't mind me calling you 'little sis' in turn."

"Hmm, on second thought, maybe we'll just stick to calling ourselves by our real names... Oh, that's right." The unicorn grinned knowingly. "Only Twilight can call you that."

We shared chuckles, allowing the tension of the air to remove a little. Well, Starlight was certainly helping with her blunt approach to matters. Once the laughter subsided, the unicorn tilted her head with a certain smile.

"Twilight knows what she's doing, Stardust. All we have to do is wait until she finds the perfect solution to this problem." Don't I know it. "Meanwhile, there's something I wanted to ask."

"Oh?" I raised an eyebrow at the shift in expression.

Clearing her throat, Starlight looked me in the eye and inquired seriously, "What did you mean when you said you left your world because you were afraid?"

Oh... That-

But a certain wise voice quickly intervened.

Grab onto that pole tightly, now!

And a noise tore from my throat, "Agh!"

"Stardust!" I heard the surprised mare exclaimed by my newfound collapsing state, both hands clutching onto the wooden sturdy pole quickly. My body knelt, teeth grinding and eyes clenching shut by the sudden lack of oxygen and explosive pain coursing through my body.

Not... Again...!

This was... The same as... The graveyard...!

Keep holding on Jack, the pain will subside soon!

Didn't... Feel that way... To me... Ah...!

"Ahh!"

One hand latched off the pole to clutch my chest, almost falling off if two certain hoofs hadn't caught me by the shoulder. Through teary eyes, I forced my lids open to meet Starlight's petrified expression, lilac eyes observing me in uncertainty and complete worry. My voice managed to hiss what my the only salvation which first came to mind was.

"Get... Twilight... Ah!"

Starlight needed no further incentive, nodding while stepping back, gone in a flash. My fingers dug into clothed skin, where we heart was beating rapidly to make up for the fact I had heavy trouble breathing. The pain racked against my sides and chest, swirling around in an unkempt storm and prepared to tear me asunder.

Oh God... I was gonna die...!

You won't die if I have anything to say about it, my child... Keep holding on.

My other hand was unable to keep a tight grip on the wood any longer, my knelt body falling onto grassy ground with my head turned to one side, struggling to keep them open. The pain killing me within was a contrast to the breathtaking landscape of Equestria... A peaceful utopia Zagreus will destroy if I died here and now...!

Not... Gonna...

"Jack? JACK!"

I vaguely heard the Princess, forcing myself to sit upwards with one hand pushing me up. Then, feeling multiple hoofs and claws on me before my arm could collapse through sheer agony, I tearfully glanced upwards and meeting the head-on sparkling eyes of a terrified Twilight Sparkle.

My pained voice barely whispered, "Help..."

And it felt as though a nuclear bomb went off in my stomach.

---

I was getting really sick of getting knocked out all the time.

"Surely there has to be something we're missing!" The incredulous voice of Rarity called out from my left. "You're saying that there's no sign of damage anywhere inside our friend?"

My girlfriend shook her head, motioning towards the blackboard presented at the end of my bed. "According to the doctors, there are no visible signs of any interior damage. Whatever caused Jack so much distress..." Twilight hesitated for a moment. "It didn't occur through normal means."

So after that episode where I endured an episode of complete inward pain like my organs were twisting around everywhere, my eyes first woke up to a hospital bed surrounded by my good friends. All whom expressed utter concern and relief that I seemingly was fine, for the moment, and according to the medical staff here, there was nothing indicating towards that horrific sensation I went through earlier. My friends were half-relieved, and half-worried about that mystery, mine moreso on the latter.

Applejack frowned. "So then, what did cause 'im to collapse like that?"

Twilight shared her friend's look. "I'm not certain." And with one wing gestured to the board written with small notes and a drawn diagram of the human body. Very accurately so. "This isn't a common happening even in Jack's world, I checked. And according to Jack this supposed phantom pain has never occurred before in his life, isn't that right?"

"Well..." My only position here was shrugging. "I've experienced invisible chest pains before, but never to the point of making me unconscious." Twilight frowned, this information clearly news for her, prompting me to add quickly. "Hasn't happened since I became a pony though, so you never had to worry then."

"But you're a not a pony now." Starlight pointed out with concern. "So could this be related to that phantom pain?"

"And if it is, how do we stop it from happening again?" Fluttershy inquired next, fright reflecting in her clear blue orbs when glancing to me. "It sounded really awful what you went through earlier..."

"That's what we're attempting to deduce, Fluttershy." Twilight said reassuringly towards the pegasus. She looked back to the blackboard with a thoughtful glare. "But from how it sounds, it may just simply be the pent-up pain released after being restrained from Jack's Equestrian body, triggering an explosive pain coursing through his body for a few minutes."

Although, something in Twilight's voice indicated her skepticism by that voiced speculation. And you know what? I could fault her. I too found this notion questionable. Something in Starswirl's voice earlier also reinforced this disbelief...

The Princess turned to me. "Did you have these phantom pains often?"

I answered honestly, "Over the years, though they have been decreasing a lot." Ever since I left school, in fact.

"So that's it then?" Rainbow asked in absurdity. "Just invisible pain Stardust is use to getting? I thought it was something worst!"

"I must say, this revelation is rather refreshing to hear." Rarity added with a bright smile, as though the crisis was suddenly averted. "My mind speculated far worst scenarios. This clarification is relieving to know, darling."

"Does that mean he can leave the hospital now?" Spike then asked in earnest, having been sat beside my leg with a hopeful grin. Twilight, meanwhile, shook her head with a wry expression.

"Just because he's accustomed to this pain doesn't mean all is well. In fact, it's just another thing we have to deal with and help him overcome." That last part sounded like a bitter mutter. Inspecting the blackboard again, Twilight nodded after a moment and smiled humouredly towards her son. "I'll speak to the doctor and see if Jack can be released early. Spike, could you go fetch him for me?"

"Sure!" And Spike grinned back to me with newfound relief. "Glad you're all better now Dad!" And jumped off the bed before I could pet his scales, rushing off out the door with eagerness. The others looked back to me with warm smiles.

"And here I thought you were gonna stick around for a while. Ah well, have this get-well muffin I baked for you anyway!" Pinkie happily thrusted the small treat into my hands. "White chocolate, your favourite!"

Ha, certainly was. I smiled graciously to the beaming Earth Pony, setting the cupcake on the drawer for the moment. Starlight then addressed everyone with a humoured smirk. "Okay, I think we should leave Stardust to get changed, since humans prefer not to be seen without clothes for some reason."

Oh dear Lord. "Twilight, love." I called out towards the alicorn. "Please educate Starlight about that."

Flushing a little, the mare nodded with a fond smile and motioned for the others to follow, magically pushing the blackboard outside with her. After my friends expressed their relief before leaving, only one unicorn lingered. Starlight waited until they were from sight and looked to me with a new look.

"It's not just phantom pain, is it?" I blinked. "I noticed your doubtful look when Twilight guessed that, and I'm guessing she thinks there's more to it too." Starlight regarded me with concerned curiosity. "What do you think is going on?"

"...I'm not sure yet." But I was going to find out in a moment. But before that, I smiled lightly with a nod to the mare. "Thanks for getting Twilight back there."

Starlight smiled slightly back. "The least I could do... Better catch up with them, see you soon." And hurried after the mares, leaving me once again to my own thoughts and memories of that earlier hurricane of pain.

I waited until the coast was completely clear, the enthused voices of my friends dying out by the corridors outside.

...Okay Starswirl, spill the beans. You know what's happening to me.

I heard nothing... Followed with a short huff. Let me start of by expressing how relieved I am that you survived that experience completely. Your will is strong, my good pupil.

Yeah, thanks. Information please.

A warm chuckle, though it sounded rather strained. Very well. He conceded tiredly as I got out of bed carefully. Clothes are in the bottom drawer, meanwhile.

You all right, teacher... You sound exhausted?

The penalty from the energy I've been demanding from the realm. Starswirl responded wearily, as I began putting on my socks and underwear after pulling the curtain for some privacy by the visible eye. I had to attain much magic to keep your body from succumbing to duress through enduring this world's laws.

So... What actually happened to me back there...? It was awful, felt like my whole body was on fire.

And I can't apologize enough for that.

Hm?

As you're aware, it is my magic which barely keeps you from submitting to death on the spot. The contrast between your form now and the world you choose to inhabit would instantly bring your own demise. I have to borrow enough pure magic from my realm in order to keep your body functioning and healthy. But there are... Repercussions to utilizing magic so.

Yeah... I'm listening...?

The amount of magic in question is... Excessive. Starswirl confessed rather regrettably. Understand, I may have been a figure of my time, but my magic in folklore was often exaggerated. Even in this realm, I am but one pony. One unicorn draining far too much magic than the average equine can maintain. In consequence, there will be moments like earlier, and back at the grave town, where that link to magic will... Slip.

'Slip'?

I paused from pulling up my trousers, raising a brow to the clean ceiling expectantly. Something about that hesitation had me on edge.

Starswirl sighed again. In essence, there will emerge moments of the magic halting from sustaining your being, temporary if I can help it. But the further you remain in this form, the more magic I must borrow in order to maintain your health. Unfortunately...

...It won't last forever.

No.

So that sensation before will become a regular occurrence the longer I stay in this body... And the more it continues, the magic keeping me alive will eventually cease and... And...

Your oxygen supply will cut off completely, and your body shut down.

So the longer I stay as human, I will die...

...I am so, so sorry Jack...

No... No don't blame yourself, Starswirl. You never accounted for this event happening... Heh, if anything, this can all be blamed on Twilight's own mentor...

"Jack? Are you still getting changed?"

Speaking of which... "Yeah." I called out rather weakly from behind the curtain, the disquieting revelation Starswirl shared making me sit down with unzipped trousers, forehead grasped by two pale hands, feeling as though all colour drained from my face.

"Is everything okay?"

No, no it wasn't. "Yeah, everything's... Good."

Only one thing could come from this, I must absolutely, without hesitation keep my angelic girlfriend on the other side of the curtain from ever knowing this. If Twilight knew... She would blame herself, believing she brought the inevitable demise of her friend and special somepony.

And that envisioned devastation on her face was something I would never forgive myself for...

Dragging my hands down my face, I knew Twilight was still waiting on the other side... And swallowed, standing up again to finish off changing-

Ow! "[BEEP]!"

"What is it? What's wrong?!"

I hissed at the sensation crawling through my foot. "Nothing just... Stubbed my Goddamn toe!"

Comments

[TheReadingPhoenix]

Just wanted to be the first one to say............. I was here first

[Johnny B Mediocre]

Celestia where the fuck are you at

[Amos Anon]

"That, or you want more of my brownies." I had the wit at least to make that comment.

Still have to wonder what's in those "special brownies"