Love Arrows Of Doom

by Rated Ponystar

An Archer's Reward... and A Prince's Doom

Princess Cadence swore a lot of things when she was younger. She swore that she would never think that she was above others due to her royal status. She swore she would never let politics stop her from being who she was. And she swore she would never drink.

Two hours ago she broke that last one, and drank enough alcohol that would kill a pony three times over. The only reason she wasn’t stone cold dead was because of her natural alicorn heartiness. Stumbling through the halls of her palace, she began to rip of her costume, heedless of the myriad of servants and guards who hurried out of her way. Ever since the infamous Moonshine Incident of Solar Year 374—wherein a few sections of Canterlot castle may have accidentally been vaporized by solar plasma after a week-long bender when a foolish guard happened to comment upon the Solar Goddess’s apparently growing flank-size—an unwritten rule had circulated amongst the servants of the alicorn princesses: alicorn magic plus alcohol equals as much distance as you can manage.

Besides, you didn’t really think Nightmare Moon happened because of a single pony angry at not being loved like a tween finding out her Ponywood crush was gay? Nah, something like happens means there is always alcohol involved.

“I’ma gonna...outwaw hears and... hears and... something or whatever day,” slurred Cadence as she sluggishly made her towards her bedroom. “All it... it does was... make ponies... wuck like wabbits... crwate incest... and... and twuamawize innocent ponies by... shoving six... of those... those... things that woys have down a throat... nowaonder... auntie eats cake a lot... with a wouth that big....”

With blood shot eyes, she drew one last arrow from her quiver and smiled sheepishly at it. “But at weast I got a wusband that loves me and we’re gonna wuck like there is no tomorrow.”

She opened her door to her bedroom only to have her mouth drop all the way by what she saw. Her husband, Shining Armor, laying on the bed as Applejack attempted to enact death by snuggles, while Rainbow Dash did her best to defend her secret crush’s honor.

“I said I’m married! Leave me alone!” shouted Shining Armor doing his best to avoid his rump getting grabbed by Applejack.

“Ah don’t care! Ah love ya and yer mine! Ah can roll in the hay better than that prissy alicorn can!” shouted AJ with a lustful grin even a succubus would find disturbing. She then glared at Rainbow Dash who narrowly missed a kick to Shining Armor’s head. “Stop tryin’ to kill mah future husband!”

“Future husband?!” shouted Shining Armor, turning even whiter than he was.

“No way! I’m not going to let you marry some loser prince when you could be with the most awesomest pony ever!” shouted Rainbow Dash. “I can be a better lover than he ever could! I mean, he probably doesn’t even perform that well if Cadence isn’t pregnant after three years of marriage.”

“Hey! I perform very well! It’s not my fault that it’s ten times harder to get an alicorn pregnant than a regular mare!” shouted a blushing Shining Armor.

Rainbow Dash abruptly ceased her attack. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah. Very discerning eggs,” he said with a shudder.

“Which is why Ah can provide for ya! Just look at mah flank! Ain’t it tempting’?” asked Applejack, shoving her backside into Shining’s face. “Look at them curves! Tell me them ain’t child-bearin’ hips! ‘Sides, Granny Smith’s been itchin’ fer some grandfoals. Come on, you know you wanna put a bun in my buns!”

“Hey! I can provide foals too, you know!” shouted Rainbow Dash, waving her hooves.

“Yer a mare. Ah’m a mare. It wouldn’t work,” said Applejack deadpanned.

“We live in a word where a tree holds the balance between order and chaos, princesses move the sun and moon, I can break the speed of sound, Twilight can cause a nuclear explosion, and Pinkie Pie exists. I think two mares having a baby together wouldn’t be a surprise at this point.”

Shining Armor shoved away Applejack’s plot and began to back away. “Nopony is going to be doing anypony in my bedroom! Except for me and...” he felt his backside bump into somepony. Slowly, he turned and saw Cadence staring at him with wide eyes. “... Cadence.”

Now, if Cadence wasn’t drunk or traumatized out of her mind, chances are this would result in yelling, magical explosion, divorced and a downward spiral for all parties involved. However, since she wasn’t, this happened instead.

Tears formed in her eyes as a smile grew on her muzzle. Without warning she dived into his chest and hugged him. “Oh, Shining! I wove you!”

“Bwah?” asked Shining Armor, caught between relief at not being smacked by a pony who could fell a tree with a single kick and confusion at not being smacked by a pony who could fell a tree with a single kick. Instead, he got a loving kiss on the lips from his wife before she broke it and winked. He sniffed her breath. “Cadence, are you... drunk?”

“Forget about that. You rewembered our dweam sex play...” she leerling grinned. “A foursome with evewy pony wace inwolved! Grwanted this was before we had crwystal ponies, but wive is an orgy, and we did that last year at the Wrand Walloping Wala.”

“F-f-foursome?!” shouted Shining Armor completely beat red. He turned to a pondering Rainbow Dash and Appleack. “Uhhh, you ladies want to say something about this?”

The two looked at each other before turning back to Shining Armor.

“Eh, I got no problems,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Sounds like a good time. Let’s do it,” said Applejack.

“Great!” shouted Cadence as she took the arrow and pointed it at her behind. “Here we go!”

*** Five Days Later ***

“.. and so we say our final farewells to our beloved son, Prince Shining Armor,” said the priest in front of the closed casket bearing the deceased prince’s cutie mark on top. The hundreds of mourners lowered their heads in silence as his family, including his widow wife, walked over and place flowers on his casket. “May he find peace in the hereafter forever more. Amen.”

Taps began to play as the casket was lowered into the grave that read:

In Loving Memory of Shining Armor

Beloved Son, Captain, Prince, and Husband

“No stallion died happier than he did in his final moments.”

As the crowd began to disperse, Twilight Sparkle stood next to her sister-in-law in tears. “I c-c-can’t believe he’s gone. My big brother...”

“I’m so sorry, Twilight,” whispered Cadence, nuzzling her.

“Cadence,” whispered Twilight, looking at her with pleading eyes. “Please tell me he died happy?”

A twinge shot through her lower regions as she remembered that fateful night... well, fateful nights. “Twilight, I can promise you, he did.”

Author's Note:

I had a lot of fun with this one. Hope I didn't piss people off with that ending.

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Comments

[Lightoller]

s2.quickmeme.com/img/dc/dcceadd918f3df44c35aa122b769dbc9e8590cfaa591c1ad2abbe21fa8b7b958.jpg

[Poducken2]

Death by Snu-Snu. That's the way to go.

[Breakfateschain]

...

...I'm sorry, but having Shining die at the end, even as a joke, is right out of left field and doesn't really make any sense

[BringBackSonicSatAM]

I cringed at the typo in the chapter title.

[Talon and Thorn]

I can see the message on his tombstone

"I never thought it would end this way
But I really, really hoped"

I hope at least Cadence managed to get knocked up.

[SageBrony07]

A very drunk ending. Thanks for finishing this story. Good luck with future stories.

[Sandy Sam]

Great work, poor Shining Armour. At least he died happy.

[The Ponytrician]

This is a very silly story.

i.imgur.com/xJVt2.gif

[OmniFox]

THEY KILL SHINING ARMOR?!!?!?!!!!

[1stChosenStar]

5750612 Um.... Let's just say that he died by snu-snu, besides, do you know how strong two athletic ponies and an alicorn are?

[Aurora Dimmet]

Best ending ever. I never really liked Shining Armor, but never more have I wished to fill that mofo's horseshoes. Godspeed, Shining, you have done men everywhere proud... and jelly.

[Axle the Cobalt Exorcist]

Shining Armor died like the luckiest baster on earth

[meerkat8472]

Well, this story took a dark turn at the end there.

[Rated Ponystar]

5750838
Sorry, the commissioner liked it so I stuck with it

[Duck_Armada]

And with that ending this gets a fave. Well done sir.

[Thi Fernandes]

Wait! How do you die from fing three mares? Is there a wiki page somewhere that says this sh is real?

[Poet Knight]

Would've been funnier having AJ and Dash's reactions....

[Loki777]

Ending was bad and not a good one.

[Biker_Dash]

He fucked himself to death... PRICELESS!

[ShyasuEasternSun]

You could've ended Shining armor in the hospital where nearly half of his body is in bandage case and hook in with some giant machine to heal his ass off. Oh and add a face expression that gives off the message: I got reckt by crazy mares. Kill me plz.

[Dee Bee Doo-wop Cooper]

Im going to pretend that Shining Armor is just hiding and using his death as a way to subvert any bad press.

[pahnazd]

This was probably already said, but death by snoo snoo. Good job there, Cadance.

[Ulrezaj]

Death by... With three... Yup, he died happy.

[HiveLordLusa]

...I'm going to be honest; while I could get through the majority of it because it was funny to some extent, well... the ending does pretty much ruin it for me. Not going to downvote but I am admittedly unfavouriting it. Sorry.

[OneOverTwo]

That darkness was a bit too abrupt.
Or too abrupt too late.
You got to either ease into darkness or rip that band-aid off relatively early.

[DisUsernameScreamsKhaos]

Alternate ending? Please? Maybe? I kinda like the ending, but it could have been WAAAAAY better...

[Avid Reader]

Commence read.

Ha.

[Ulrezaj]

5750866
Well from a realistic standpoint, after enduring such strenuous...exercises nonstop for so long, the body would start to give out.

[djthomp]

Yeah, not the best ending. I wish whoever commissioned this had, I dunno, better taste or something.

Not to mention, a high chance of divorce if Cadance hadn't been drunk? For what, Shining not cheating on her in spite of Cadance's arrows sending AJ off the deep end?

[TheKitten]

Uhh… I honestly liked this story, until I read the last chapter…

[Brocky]

I don't mind the darkness of the last chapter. Some people take comedy fics way too seriously.

Just kinda felt other storylines are unfinished. What about gay flash? ???

[Swashbucklist]

Now, if Cadence wasn’t drunk or traumatized out of her mind, chances are this would result in yelling, magical explosion, divorced and a downward spiral for all parties involved.

...for a problem that she caused. Fuck you too, Cadance. However, I do love that she feels a twinge of arousal at the thought of the guy's death; that's hardcore femdom right there.

Also, a further deduction of points for subjecting Shining to the forced orgy instead of Spike. A dragon would've survived. ...Welp, he's had five years to grow up, and those ladies are one male short!

[diablo4000]

Dearest Twilight worry not.
You're brother died with a greator joy,happiness and pleasure then any other had gain at the end............And smile THIS WIDE! (Arms spread out fully!)

[CBM8]

Shining got wucked to death. What a way to go out.

[Poet Knight]

6180558 Horse puns... they're used more with disregard to context in most fanfics here.

[Sirvanilla]

Am I a horrible person for thinking that this whole thing was utterly hilarious?
...
Yeah, probably.

[Cavenerd20]

Interesting story. But Shining Armor did not deserve that.

[Mossy Pages]

7532447
Snrk.
You’re not alone.
Now excuse me.
*Wanders off to lighter stories, muffling snorts of laughter.*