The Perfect Flavor

by Shrinky Frod

The Perfect Gift

Three days later, Ponyville looked like a rustic imitation of Canterlot. Airships from that shining city were moored to trees, houses, anything sturdy enough to hold them after dropping their passengers off at the Castle of Harmony. At the castle itself, the richly decorated flagship of the Griffonian Royal Air Force was bound to the receiving spire by a glowing tendril of magical force, more secure and less likely to damage the fine vessel than any mere corporeal rope.

Inside, the royal feast hall was packed with ponies and griffons alike. Some were local ponies, offering their services to the crown for pay or patriotism. Others were nobles from Canterlot, their normal disdain for 'country living' set aside for the prestige of attending the first official royal function to be held entirely under Princess Twilight's supervision and jurisdiction.

Unlike the dining halls of Canterlot, all clearly arranged to indicate the relative position and power of each individual, the hall of the Castle of Harmony was set with smaller tables scattered throughout it, important delegates and representatives seated with apparent randomness. And yet, even the great Canterlot nobles who ended up seated near griffon shiphands found their initial irritation dissipating as points of common interest and hobbies drifted out of the initial small talk. Acquaintances and friendships began to blossom as the castle's quiet magic went to work, and food was brought out for the assembled guests.

At the head table, seated with the Princesses Twilight Sparkle, Cadance, and Celestia, as well as Prince Shining Armor, were two massive griffon tiercels. One of them, clearly the elder, had feathers and fur that were starting to go grey with age, but the bearing and manner of a veteran soldier. He was wearing his finest dress uniform, grey and gold expertly tailored to his powerful frame, with enough medals and honors displayed on the broad chest to announce his approach by the jingle of his walk. The other, younger and dressed in more ostentatious purple-and-blue finery, wore the badge of office of a Griffonian ambassador.

“The Battle of the Badlands would have gone entirely differently if we were fighting it with the modern Imperial army,” the General stated firmly, looking down at Shining Armor, his own medals and honors on display as well. “We were completely unaware of the threat the changelings posed to the pre-Imperial forces; by the time the Equestrian forces reached them, half the army had been drained of their love for their comrades in arms.”

“But you’re forgetting something, General,” Shining Armor countered. “If we had been facing the modern Imperial army, the EUP would have feinted towards the border our territories shared with Minos, rather than the Badlands. Commander Easy Glider chose the Badlands specifically because she knew the changelings couldn’t resist feasting on the griffon forces.”

“Weakening our army and decimating the changeling threat when we discovered it,” the Ambassador concluded. “You have to admit, Jean, that it was a cunning move.”

“And if your Commander Easy Glider knew about the changelings,” the General pointed out smugly, “then why was their Queen so easily able to infiltrate the upper ranks of Equestrian royalty?”

Everypony at the table collectively winced, save Celestia.

“Because we had thought the griffon army,” the solar diarch replied steadily after a sip of tea, “even after being drained by the changelings, competent enough to erase the threat they posed to both our countries. It was seven hundred and fifty six years before they had recovered sufficiently to make such an effort again, an age during which even I believed they had been wiped out during the war.”

General Jean le Soldat regarded Celestia coolly for a moment, then inclined his head towards her regally.

“Very well, Princess, I must admit that we believed we had been equally as efficient. A pity for both our countries that a Queen egg remained.”

“One always does, General,” Celestia sighed. “Or so it seems. A better topic, perhaps?” She asked as Pinkie brought out a tray laden with large dumplings filled with potatoes, turnips, rich gravy, and small chunks of meat. She sat one in front of each diner except for the General.

“I will be back in one moment, please,” she said in a comically thick Prench accent before darting off towards the kitchen again.

“Indeed,” the Ambassador piped up. “I must admit that I am surprised you chose pasties for this meal, Princesses. Prench peasant food?”

“Griffonian campaign food, Ambassador Philippe,” Princess Twilight corrected him. “We chose them in honor of the General’s birthday, and as a reminder that our people do share quite a bit in common. Meat may not be a staple to ponies, like it is to griffons, but it’s not completely absent from our cuisine.”

“No, though a very rare part of it,” the Ambassador observed, cutting into his meal and inhaling the scent.

“It’s true that most ponies prefer a vegetarian lifestyle,” Princess Cadance agreed. “It comes with the fact that we’re so close with so many different species. One of the Elements of Harmony, for example, can communicate with virtually any animal. Even so, she actually cares for several predators, to the point of gathering food for them when necessary. However, as you can see, nopony here has turned down their meal.” She indicated the dining hall with her horn. While most of the gathered ponies were eating more slowly than their griffon counterparts, it seemed true that none had refused the entrée either.

“Excusez moi,” Pinkie interrupted, bringing up an additional tray. “Pour le Ambassador, caviar de terre.” She lowered the tray, picking up a tiny dish of what looked almost like a lumpy jelly and setting it down in front of him with a miniscule spoon. “And pour le General, boulette de poulaine.”

The General’s jaw dropped as Pinkie offered him a covered tray, removing the lid to reveal a steaming dumpling larger than the others, its scent far meatier than the pasties she had served out to the other diners.

“Well, it seems you have impressed the General, little chef,” the Ambassador laughed. “I had thought that impossible for anyone but Gustave le Grand!”

“Boulette de poulaine,” the General murmured, picking up his knife and fork and cutting carefully into his meal, taking a bite of it. The ponies at the table fought back the urge to wince again as they heard something crunch inside of his beak, not sure if it was intentional or not.

“And made in the traditional style, no less!” The General exclaimed after he had swallowed his first bite, eyes glittering excitedly. “Princesses, I am most impressed! My compliments, Madamoiselle…?”

“Pinkie,” the erstwhile baker said cheerfully. “Miss Pinkie Pie, General, and I’m so, so, so glad you like it! Consider it a very special birthday present, from Equestria to you!”

“Merci beaucoup, ma petite tarte,” the General said warmly, actually standing to give Pinkie a courtly bow, which she returned before disappearing back into the kitchen.

“Boulette de poulaine?” Princess Twilight asked, cocking her head slightly.

“A rare Griffonian delicacy of the campaign trail, Princess,” the General explained. “Very rare indeed, and little known outside military circles. I’m surprised Miss Pie even knew it existed, let alone how to prepare it.”

“Well, that’s Pinkie, just full of surprises!” Twilight grinned, her left eye twitching slightly. “If you’ll excuse me, I’d just like to go thank her for her thoughtfulness myself.”

Twilight stood after receiving a brief nod from those at the table, inclining her head respectfully to them and leaving as quickly as she dared.

Once she was out of sight, she broke into a full gallop, searching for Pinkie in the kitchens. When she found her, the baker was in the process of pulling out a large tray of cake forms from one of the castle’s massive ovens and putting them off to cool.

“Pinkie? Can I have a word with you?” Twilight asked nervously, her eye twitching again.

“Of course, Twilight! How about….” Pinkie reached over to a cookbook and started flipping through it. “Ooh, how about gateau? That sounds like a fun word!”

“Actually, how about ‘boulette de poulaine?’” Twilight suggested. “Did you actually serve dumpling of –“ Pinkie’s laughter cut her off, and put her at ease.

“Oh come on, Twilight, do you really think I’d do something like that? Granny Pie used to run a restaurant near the border, and she had a recipe she used from some old griffon soldiers!”

Twilight sighed in relief, then took a deep breath and let it back out to calm herself further.

“Sorry, Pinkie, but when he said it was prepared traditionally… well, I didn’t think you’d do something like that, but I’m worried enough about where all this meat came from!”

“Granny’s recipes fooled any griffon who ate them!” Pinkie reassured her friend, smiling broadly. “And don’t worry. I Pinkie Promised, remember? I didn’t use any of Fluttershy’s little critter friends, just like you wanted. Not even for the angel food cakes I’m serving for the pony desserts!” She indicated the cake forms that were sitting out, snorting a little bit as she snickered at her pun.

“Well, at least there’s something for the meal that doesn’t have any meat in it. Thanks again, Pinkie, I just don’t know what I’d do without you and the Cakes handling the catering for this!”

“Run around in a panic until your mane went all ‘sproing,’ trying to find some way to serve meat without serving Opal’s cat food to the griffons instead, forgetting that there are ways around those sort of little problems and even Fluttershy knows that even if she doesn’t really like it, until you went completely loco in the coco and cooked herself into a soufflé to try and make the Griffons happy?” Pinkie suggested, not stopping for breath in the process.

“I… like to think I’d stop a little short of that,” Twilight chuckled. “Did you cut yourself making all this?” She asked, noticing the tiny bandage on the underside of Pinkie’s muzzle.

“Oh, just a little bit while I was making the mincemeat pies for the griffon desserts,” Pinkie shrugged. “No biggie! I just slipped and banged my chin on the counter.”

“Well be more careful!” Twilight smiled warmly. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost any of you girls.” She hugged Pinkie close. Pinkie returned the embrace, a broad and wicked smile across her muzzle as her eyes flashed with a silver sheen.

Maybe, one of these days, we’ll find out!

Author's Note:

If you’re disturbed by this story, I’m glad. That’s the point of this story. I tried to steer clear of horrifically detailed gore. Let’s face it; Cupcakes was black-as-pitch comedy, masquerading under the ever-popular moniker of torture porn. It was a parody of Hostel and Turistas, filtered through magical pastel ponies. This is more what I see as true horror.

Horror isn’t in plastering the screen with blood and viscera. Horror isn’t in pulling out an anatomical text and running down a list of vital organs. Horror, at times, isn’t in showing at all. Horror is in the gentle murmur of a comforting friend, telling you how you’re going to die. Horror is in watching a happy group of good people tricked into cannibalism.

Horror… is in realizing that your best friend in the world will be free to do whatever they want with your daughter, after you’re gone.

(Oh, and for those curious? All of those foreign-sounding words are actually taken from French, though I modified 'poulain' a masculine noun, to 'poulaine' to fit with the feminine master-noun boulette. It's about as good French as you'll get off of two semesters in college and two years in high school, but hey - since they're actually words in Griffonian, I get away with it, right? )

Comments

[Csquared08]

I just couldn't get into this one. It suffered from one of the primary problems Cupcakes also had: Pinkie's actions didn't match up with her characterization. There isn't any explanation as to why she wants to murder multiple people; it's just there. Without that explanation, it's hard to reconcile those actions with the canon character, which makes it that much harder to get into the story.

[Shrinky Frod]

5554461
Thank you for actually saying something!

I actually dropped a few hints as to why Pinkie seems so OOC here, though I didn't come out with the full explanation. (Of course, said explanation wouldn't have worked in this story so well, given I have a sequel planned to it, but there y'go.)

If you're at all curious about what the issue is, I hope you'll keep an eye out for the aforementioned sequel when I start getting it together.

[Csquared08]

5554539
Yeah, I picked up the one hint where Pinkie mentioned that she escaped (or something similar). It wasn't nearly enough for me to reconcile the characterization, though.

And I guess I'm interested in a sequel? If it can resolve the characterization issues, there's potential for something interesting.

[Shrinky Frod]

5554573
Well, if you'd like a pre-reading gig and don't mind an erratic production schedule, we could work something out. ^^

Ironically, I was actually worried it would be too obvious what was going on in this... may have been a mistake on my part to play it quite so coy.

[Csquared08]

5554591
Sorry, I'm not one to do much editing or prereading.

[Shrinky Frod]

5554646
No problem, I'll blackmail find somebody. :)

[Need More Gore]

Nice read I've always considered myself a connoisseur of torture porn. I will admit your version of horror is definitely more unsettling though mixing the two can be amazing.

[Shrinky Frod]

5568870
Oh, certainly. I just prefer Bava to Argento to Roth any day of the week. ;)

[CasperSantiq]

Wow you have it in for lecter style killing.

[Shrinky Frod]

5606046
If one does what God does enough times, one becomes like Him.

[PresentPerfect]

I kind of really want to know what's up with Pinkie -- thank you for making it obvious that she's not herself, or at least not what we think she is -- but the ending of chapter two was far too gratuitous for my tastes.

[Orphan]

5554539
What happened to the sequel?

[Shrinky Frod]

10312596
Iiiiiit was kinda the victim of my life gradually falling apart over the next few years. If I can, I might get back to it, but we'll have to see how it goes.