Thursday Morning
Spike slowly went out of Twilight´s castle and let out a relieved sigh
“Haven't had a day free in a long while.I should go visit Rarity, maybe even ask her out” He started leading himself to the Carrousel Boutique when he noticed the 3 fillies near the schoolhouse.
“Hi,girls, You may come to my Cutieñera this Saturday?” A very pretty unicorn asked.Spike immediately recognised her, as she was a close friend and Twilight´s pupil.They haven´t seen each other in a while and she´ve gotten more beautiful in that time, yet she still was recognisable.
“Oh, come on! Having your Cutie Mark doesn't make things any different, you're still a loser”
“Huh?”
“Why do you even HAVE your Cutie Mark? You´re a terrible singer”
“That´s not true!” She started crying “My sister´s proud of me!”
“Oh, she´s just saying that”
The earth pony fillies continued laughing, making the other one feel terrible.Spike couldn´t just stand there.The dragón ran to them and shouted:
“Now who do you think you are to piss her off like this?!!”
“We´re Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, the richest girls in town and we can do what we want”
“Yeah, And who are YOU to judge us?”
“Noone, just a simple fire breathing dragón” He let out a small harmless flame that was enough to scare them and make them run to the schoolhouse faster than Filli Second.
He turned back to the unicorn and smiled “You okay, Sweetie?”
“Spike?” She asked.Apparently, he did changed since the last time they saw each other.They were still the same height, thought.
“Yeah, Who else?”
“Wow” She blushed “Y-yeah, I'm fine, thanks”
They stared at each other as the bell on the schoolhouse rang.
“Shouldn't you go now?”
She shook her head “I don't want nopony to see me crying”
“Then where you gonna go?”
“Sugarcube Corner, I think.Sweets are always good”
“Oh, okay”
“Say hi to Twilight for me” She gave him a peck in the check and was about to go when he felt a need to stop her
“Wait!”He blushed at how loud that sounded. “Can I go with you?”
“Don´t you have to go back to the palace?”
“Nope, day off”
“Okay, you can come”
______________________________________________________________________
They were walking by the street in pure silence when Spike asked:
“So Did you get your Cutie Mark?”
“No, this is a tattoo” She said with obvious sarcasm “Sorry I didn´t told you, I was too excited”
“It's okay.Music, huh?”
“Yep,I wrote a song on my own”
“The CMC Theme?” He asked, not even bothering to hide his disgust.
Sweetie laughed at his expression and answered:
“Yeah, but this one´s better”
“I'll love to hear it”
The youngster blushed, cleared her throat and started the song
“I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
I wanna be forever young with you.
Closest of friends, that´s so well.
I really don't want this to end
I wanna be forever young with you.
But being young is noooot so easy.
Sometimes I need to cry.
I'll do it in your shoulder cause I know you get me
And we'll be forever young”
The reptile clapped, he was stunned with the greatness of the song.He couldn´t help but asked:
“Is it dedicated to someone?”
“To all my friends:The crusaders, you, Rarity, Pinkie,Twilight.I wouldn´t be the same without you guys and I like me.”
Me too-Spike thought for a second-Wait WHAT? He was caught in this thoughts by Sweetie.
“We´re here!” She said, pointing at the little store
“Lady's first”
“Please don´t”
“Just go in”
The 13-year-old friends entered the store just to run into the 3-year-old twins
“Oops, sorry” Pumpkin Cake said, it was hard to get mad at those two, specially the girl.She looked so innocent with that giant blue bow in her head.
“It´s fine, guys.Are your parents here?”
“Nope, aunt Pinkie in charge today”
Thank goodness-Sweetie thought, if she was caught out of school by a responsible adult, she was dead.But, no matter how many years have passed, Pinkie Pie would never be considered a responsible adult.They sat in a table waiting for her to take the orders
“So how you´ve been? Haven't seen you in a while”
“Fine, I guess, Twilight´s gotta crush on one of her royal guards and it´s annoying but I have to put up with it, I'm her son….Kinda”
Sweetie Belle laughed.After the poison incident, Cheerilee had fallen to Big Mac easily yet she could not believe her other teacher was falling.And, knowing Twilight, it surely was more adorable than it sounded
“Oh, yeah? Try to put up with only one of Rarity´s many crushes”
“I already tried and it was hard but I can´t let her know I have a crush on her”
“WHAT?!”
They fell in silence, Sweetie felt like someone have dig a sword in her belly, it was like something lost.Spike felt like his head was hot as Dragonhell, something told him he had lied but he knew he hadn't….Had he?
“Welcome to Sugarcube Corner What can I do for you today?”
As always, the pink pony appeared and everyone felt better.
“The usual”
“Oki doki, Sweetie?”
“Vanilla milkshake, please”
“Oki doki loki” She jumped back to the kitchen
“The usual? You´ve been here that often?”
“No, but I always ask for the same”
“Oh”
“Now my turn to ask Why you´ve been so absent?”
“Well, all the crusaders got our cutie marks so we now have to look for other blank flanks to keep the thing alive, I wouldn't like the clubhouse to be abandoned again.I've also been modeling for my sister´s new line of clothes.That leaves me too busy to go study magic with you guys, but I love it so I'll be back”
“Of course.Talking about Cutie Marks, Can I go to your cutieñera?”
“Of course” She handed them one of the invitations meant for Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.It was a bit dirty but Spike did not cared.
“Thanks.Now, How did the others got their Cutie Marks?”
“Applebloom is a constructor and a designer, Scoot is a daredevil and Babs is an actress”
“Interesting”
The earth pony appeared again, this time, holding a vanilla milkshake, a chocolate milkshake and a sapphire cupcake
“Order up!”
“Thanks, How many is this?”
“Nope, I got you”
“Seriously?”
“You two just enjoy yourselves”
“Thanks,Pinks, owe you one”
They started drinking and fell on an awkward silence broken by Sweetie
“Hey, Spike…..About…..You and Rarity.Don´t you think she´s a little…..Old for you?”
He shrugged “It´s only 9 yea….Now, that I think about it….”
“Now, I don't want to make you feel bad but…..”
“No, it's fine, it's just a crush, she´s still beautiful, thought.”
YES!-Sweetie Belle thought-Wait, WHY am I happy again? She looked beside her and found the answer, she was happy of being with him in this Thursday morning.
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multiple punctuation errors. Missing spaces. Could be more descriptive.
and missing spaces in description.
I was lost reading as to who was talking to who, Go and read it out loud and ask who is talking to who, (Pretend you're me and I have no idea what the story is about) Have fun ,
th01.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2014/342/d/f/no_time_to_rest_by_hillbe-d8974n8.jpg
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/207/234/you-must-be-new-here-willy-wonka.jpg
Okay, I realize that you probably just worded that really poorly, but I just thought I'd let you know that that right there could possibly be misinterpreted.
You do not say that people 'may' critique you. You do not grant them permission to do so. People will give you their opinions whether you like it or not. They will be kind or rude whether you like it or not. They will do whatever the hell they want to do whether you like it or not.
The point is, you can't control how people will react to your story. You can ask politely that they be polite in turn, but you can't control what other people will do. You can, however, control how you react to them.
All that being said, let's see what I have to say about this story.
There are numerous spelling and grammar mistakes, some of which I can only assume are typos. I can only suggest that you try to find an editor or proofreader who would be willing to offer their services.
With typos like those, I have to ask: Did you write this on your phone or something? Because I really don't understand how a mistake like that could be made on a compiter. If you did write this on your phone, I don't know if that's the best thing to do, as that would probably be pretty hard. If you actually wrote this on your computer... I got nothin'.
Another problem is that the wording in this story is just really, really awkward and incorrect in a lot of places.
Let it be known that I don't have a problem with the base idea for this fic; quite the contrary, really, as I actually rather like it. The base idea could make for a good fic, but then again, pretty much any idea could make for a good story if executed properly. The problem is that the execution of this story isn't very good.
I don't have anything against swearing in fanfics, but this just really came out of nowhere for me, and to top it all off, it's Spike. I'm not necessarily saying that there will never be times in his life where he might cuss, but seriously? He is a baby dragon who has never shown behavior that suggests that he would swear in situations where it's largely unnecessary. Yes, I realize that the 'swear' word he uses isn't that big of a deal, but my point still stands. He could have easily just used words like annoy, tick, upset, or words like that.
...I don't get it. Why is Spike surpised/confused/whateveremotionheisfeelinghere? There isn't any clarification, nor is there any logical progression or proper hints given for the reader to make assumptions without fearing that they've screwed up. I mean, is Spike surprised that Sweetie considers him a friend or something? Granted, that wouldn't make sense, as he thinks of her as a friend, and friendship is generally a mutual practice.
While Pinkie may seem random and illogical at times, there is always a method to her madness. I wouldn't go so far as to call Pinkie irresponsible; I mean she does hold two steady jobs by working as a baker and Ponyville's resident party planner. Saying that she could never be considered a responsible adult is a bit of a stretch.
I'm not gonna be unreasonable and hate on what is probably FlashLight. I only ask this: Since when was Flash a part of Twilight's guard?
And this especially relevant how? They were talking about Twilight, not Cheerilee or Big Mac. Yeah, they are both loosely connected by the topic of love, but that isn't really a good reason.
The pacing is bad, and there is a severe lack of logical progression. I'm sorry, I just had to get that out there. There isn't really a sense of flow from one action to the next, so it comes off as really choppy. Another part of the problem is the fair amount of telling to be found. Here's a general rule of thumb: show don't tell. Look it up.
This area is rather vague, I know, and a lot of times it's hard to explain the specifics. The thing is, all of this probably wouldn't seem as bad if you got rid of all the errors in grammar, spelling, and awkward wording. As it is, these issues are only amplified by each other.
I do this a lot with new authors, but I gotta point you over to The School for New Writers right here on this site. Seriously, give 'em a look and see if their lectures won't help you out.
cf.chucklesnetwork.com/items/5/7/8/8/6/original/one-does-not-simply-ask-for-a-follow.jpg
You earn them.
But yeah, I hope you found this helpful and inoffensive. I wish you luck with improving your writing skills!
5518161 you´ve been watching too many doctor Wolf. however you´re really rigth, thanks 4 comenting
I think you should continue the story.
5588335 thanks but I won´t .I´m working on something right now
Many accounts of grammatical errors, maybe try to recieve a proofreader for your stories?
6448629 I don´t wanna sound like a dumbflank but What´s a proofreader?? thanks 4 your time, BTW
6448694 A proofreader reads your story and fixes any grammar errors and other things of that nature.
6448707 oh yeah, sounds like a great idea, actually. but I don´t know anyone who would be willing to do that.Whatever, good advice there, I´ll see what I can do.Ba Bye