• Member Since 17th Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen May 2nd, 2017


call me alex ✯ he/him pronouns please (closeted trans kiddo) ✯ I like Rick Riordan's books ✯ sometimes I draw ✯ happily not-single ✯


It's the holiday season, and Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash have their first date planned about a week before Hearth's Warming Eve. But Rainbow is running late, and Fluttershy is starting to doubt is this will be the best first date ever.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 45 )

This story could have used a little more detail where it mattered. There were nice little details thrown about, like Fluttershy brushing the snow off of her mane, and the ice-skates matching Fluttershy's mane, but as far as detail about what Fluttershy is feeling is concerned... well there isn't much of it.

In particular, the scene in Sugarcube Corner passed by much too quickly, making something that was quite upsetting for Fluttershy, feel completely emotionless to us, the readers. Even though the events in the scene take place over a short time, you can spend significantly more time explaining those events, and in fact, I would encourage you to.

I will say that there is something rather cute and romantic about Rainbow Dash helping Fluttershy learn to skate, the way that Fluttershy has to trust Rainbow Dash and rely on her to keep her from falling, I like it. There wasn't a whole lot of detail surrounding it, but I do like the idea.

All things considered, this fic deserves neither my thumbs down or thumbs up and won't be getting either, but don't let that discourage you. If you practice at it, you will get better, and please do, because I'm always happy to see more FlutterDash stories out there.

I am very tired. If anything I just wrote doesn't make sense, sorry, it's late and words just aren't coming to me right now.

5518679 Okay I will try to improve. Do you have any specific suggestions for the Sugar Cube Corner scene? I've never written fluff before :applejackunsure:

5519496 One thing I would add to the scene is more detail about how many ponies are inside Sugarcube Corner. When all the ponies inside turn their attention to glare at Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, are we supposed to imagine five ponies staring at them? Ten? Twenty? When there are gaps in information like this, the reader will usually just not imagine anything at all, making reading the story feel a lot less like experiencing a moment and more like reading words on a page.

Now I'm not saying that it would be better if you added a line blatantly stating: 'There were seventeen ponies inside.' But something along the lines of: 'When we walked inside, there were only two tables left unoccupied, so we took the one in the corner to avoid Pinkie's ever-watching eyes.' This sentence doesn't just blatantly state how many ponies are in the room, but it does give you an idea of how busy it is.

Another thing I would have done is go into more detail about the ponies staring at them.

Sugar Cube Corner grew silent, and Rainbow turned bright pink. Whimpering, I buried my face under my wing. Everypony was staring at us like we were some kind of freak show.

After that last sentence, I would have added something like 'Through the gaps in my feathers I could see a pink-coated, violet-maned mare glaring over her menu at me, muttering something to the stallion she was with.' It's just a little padding that stretches out the scene so that it doesn't fly by so fast, as well as adding to the most important aspect of the scene which is that ponies are staring at them and talking about them and it's making Fluttershy uncomfortable.

If there's is one tip I can give to better engage your readers, it's to appeal to the readers senses. To do that, ask yourself while you're writing: "What is this character seeing? What is this character hearing? What is this character smelling? What is this character feeling (touching)? And what does this character think about all these things?"

5520144 Thank you!!!!! I will edit this soon, but right now, Im working on another one shot! Thanks for the help!

5520144 Hey Archimedes ONE! I made a couple revisions from your feedback. Please tell me if I'm still missing anything
Thanks :twilightsmile:

I like this very much! :pinkiesmile:, a little short, but good. :twilightsmile:

I liked the use of first-person. I myself natural prefer to write in first-person as well, but I changed my writing style because third-person is more popular.

I really like how Rainbow Dash is caring and considerate in this fic, a lot times she's portrayed as kind of rude and forgetful in FlutterDash fics, but I think there's another side to her, one that she hides. She is the Element of Loyalty after all, I don't think there's a better Element for relationships. :twilightsmile:

5523934 Well there are a few things:

I sighed with relief and explain how I had always been stood up, and I worried that she forgot me.

should be "explained".

Sniffing, I consented. It was hard for me to not cry. Why did everypony have to be so hateful and close-minded? Rainbow wasn’t my first marefriend, but that doesn’t mean our first date wasn’t awful so far. I’m so stupid! I thought to myself. Why would such a brave and talented pony even want to go out with me? She’s probably just going to dump me at my house and forget about tonight, just like the others.

1. You probably meant "Sniffling" but I guess there's nothing technically wrong with sniffing.

2. You changed tenses. It should be "didn't".

3. While there's nothing wrong with this sentence grammatically, personally I would just get rid of it. It's pretty obvious that this part of the narration is supposed to be Fluttershy's thoughts on the matter, aided in no small way by the fact that the story is in first person, so leaving it out wouldn't hurt anything and would make the narration flow better.

With that aside, I really welcomed the changes. Good job, keep it up.

Perfect. If anything maybe too short, definitely want a sequel.

Okay... well I liked the second half of this... but the beginning was very weak. There is definitely room to expand here and much room for improvement. But anyway I'll point out the strengths and weaknesses.

Well to start, it's a good idea to begin with the details of the surroundings and what's going to immerse your readers into the story. Vivid descriptions help to imagine the settings and just what's happening there. Erm, why is she wearing Rainbow's scarf to begin with, rather than her own? Is there reason behind this.

It could use a little more background about her previous dates to make it a little more clearer. Has Fluttershy tried often in the past to ask ponies out? Be more specific why it doesn't work out. Are the ponies not interested in her to begin with or do they lose interest during the date? Also by ponies, is her interest just in mares or also stallions? And how open is she about her preferences? I mean if she was afraid when the other ponies knew what was the point of it? Since when was Ponyville the epitome of judgmentalness and hate? And why would they be getting critical looks for eating together at a bakery before Hearth's Warming? It can be reasonable that a few ponies would look down at them after it is found out they are dating.

Your weakest point is this contradictory scene

Okay next, an out of character Pinkie Pie. Here she ruins their date and leaves Fluttershy in tears. The Element of Laughter is not blatantly ignorant, pardon my use of the I-word. She would not just ignore the situation she created and the close friend who is obviously not happy. Second, wouldn't this piss Rainbow Dash off. She shouldn't just be passive during this part. She too should also show some resentment of the treatment they received.

Your conflict is weak and not cleverly done. Here we see Fluttershy anticipating a date with Rainbow Dash, worrying it'll be afwul. But she does show up and then Fluttershy explains about getting stood up (Show this not tell! Where's the dialogue for this) Things suddenly take a turn for the worst and it's all ruined. But, in the end Rainbow Dash had a surprise waiting from the beginning.

You have great ideas for the twist, happy ending but like mentioned the conflict needs work. 1,000 words restrict the quality of your story greatly. Expand more on the downfall of the date. Maybe multiple things happen to which Fluttershy finally gives up and proclaims it as a ruined date. i. e. they get really crummy seating, they run into somepony who hassles them, more frustration....

A great way to improve is to read, read, read. Expand and take things slower. You have so much potential.

I have a confession to make. :P
When you first shared your fimfiction account with me on google plus, I didn't read this story because I felt uncomfortable reading something that featured a lesbian couple. But I was still really curious about your writing style, so I decided to read it today (I mean, reading about a lesbian couple once won't change my own sexuality or religion).

very nice short story

5679787 Oh it's fine! :derpytongue2: I used to be totally reluctant to read any lesbian/ gay ship stories too, but I have gotten used to it (I guess I kinda have to be used to it, seeing that I'm pansexual and all :twilightsheepish:)
I am in the middle of writing a Sunlight (Sunset x Twilight) fic, but I have another Sunlight fic planned out (this one is going to be mostly comedy, compared the the first Sunlight fic being mostly romance) :twistnerd:
And I started reading your fic, but I never got around to finishing it. Oops! But I will finish it soon :scootangel:
I hope I can be on Google plus soon, too. I find out today if my dad lets me back on. Wish me luck! :raritywink:

Isn't tomorrow #OCday? Do you have any idea if anyone is going to participate again? Sorry for so many questions, but I really hope it happens again :trollestia:

5681148 I just checked to see if the moderators posted any announcement for OCday, but there doesn't appear to be any, so I'm assuming that it was a one-time thing. :applejackunsure:

5681171 Aww okay. Could you maybe ask Jessica if she's going to do it again? There was a lot of buzz surrounding the event last time, and I think that a lot of the community would like to have the event again I would definitely be publicizing this right now, but I can't :fluttershysad:

5681243 Sure! I would personally love to have another OC day.:pinkiesmile:


*still doesn't want to comment*
Oh wait, that was a comment...
:derpytongue2: Oh well
:rainbowkiss: I so pwoud of you

6363911 dawww thanks!
and i saw that post on your profile and i hope you dont decide to do anything rash, and you can always email me if you ever need someone to talk to :heart:

oh yeah how's school? im assuming summer is over for you :scootangel:

5680245 thanks!
sorry i took a while to reply

6375025 AAGH we miss you too! Unfortunately I have all but quit Google Plus because I feel like it is filled with childish people and inane , often sexual, content that I have no interest in. The constant saturation was starting to take a toll on me. X3 However, Jessica , Stodge, and I all miss you. We mention you now and again, like, "oh. Isabel would've liked this" *sad violin music*

School doesn't start for me until tomorrow, but I guess I won't have to deal with people anymore. I really want to get into a certain college, and I have to study hard to do so. So I'm doing an online independant study course until I get into my dream college. :3 Luckily I will still get to have vocal training and volunteer at my local vape-smoking Middle school run by guitar-playing hippie teachers.

So yeah! My life in a nutshell. What about YOU? How's school and all that? And why did your parents make you delete your G+?

6376017 kinda long story!
but in retrospect, I can see why, and from what I've been hearing about the MLP fandom in its current state, I'm kinda glad. A whole bunch of the Brony analytical community has had enough of the fandom, because basically everyone is going back on the whole "love and tolerate" motto which fueled this fandom from the start. :ajbemused: And tbh, i don't miss G+ itself very much, just mostly you, Jessica, and Stodge :twilightsheepish:
And good luck with the college! I'll be praying for you! :scootangel:
oh yeah and school's been great for me how about you? :pinkiehappy:

6392789 Aah, alright. I understand if it's a long story with family and whatnot. :raritywink: Family is a pain in the butt sometimes.

As for the MLP fandom's current state, we're actually flourishing pretty well as far as content production goes. This is one of the most prolific fandoms out there, after all. While Tommy Oliver and Digibrony are gone, I feel like we're actually better off without them because both of 'em thought big buzzwords and a negative attitude equaled good analysis. They needed to be a little more. . .jokingly self-aware, y'know? They were analyzing My Little Pony like it's freaking Catcher in The Rye. :twilightblush: So yeah, the point is that the analysis community aren't reflecting what's going on for the rest of us.

I'm glad school is going pretty well for you. :) As for me, I really just want to get into college more than ever. The thought of enduring three more years of busy work is a little frustrating. X3 However, after having a mental breakdown between study sessions and finding out that my Aunt died of a drug overdose this week, I had a sudden religious awakening. Er. . .I was already Christian before, but now I really feel like I've found Jesus. . .again. :rainbowwild: So despite all the shit going on, I feel GREAT! School sucks but I can make it through!

6392859 i'm so happy for you! i had a similar feeling at summer camp, but i think my "jesus high" is slowly diminishing :twilightoops:
but yay a four day weekend this weekend!!!!! :pinkiehappy: :pinkiecrazy: :heart:
lol sorry im kinda using too many pony emojis

6393054 All honors? You go, girl! :yay:

6393107 thanks! but it's not easy

I liked it. :rainbowkiss: Have a follow.

6754023 And thank you for following me :rainbowkiss:

6754689 no problem!

i don't really get a lot of people reading this story...

6754700 That sucks. I shall advertise.

That was so sweet and sad. You need to write more!!

6755187 i'm thinking about maybe writing a rarijack fic, but idk

I dont know if anyone saw me I was in the Snow and small as a bullet! Good Fic! Good Job!...and stuff

this is so adorable, I love it! :rainbowkiss::heart:

I still love this story and the ship
And you're still a friend, despite all that's happened

Short 'n' Sweet like a kiss on the cheek :yay::heart::rainbowkiss:

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