Ninth Chapter - One Last Job
“Fluttershy! Are you okay?!”
Fluttershy groaned and looked up. She’d been tackled against the wall with a little more force than expected. Pinkie, Applejack, and Twilight huddled around her immediately, and Fluttershy shook her head. “Uh… No, no, don’t worry, girls,” she said, smiling. “He just startled me. It’s not that bad.”
“You sure, sugarcube?” Applejack asked, frowning. “Looked like you took a hard hit on the head right there.”
“No, no, no. Don’t worry.” Fluttershy got up. Her friends took a step back to give some space. “I’ve lived with bears for months, and I’m childhood friends with Rainbow Dash. Believe me, after that, everything is a gentle breeze.”
Pinkie patted her on the head. “Atta girl!” she said. “Sorry for not realizing what Money Bags was going to do!”
“It doesn’t matter.” Fluttershy rubbed her foreleg. “Ummm… Shouldn’t you three be chasing Money Bags? He’s escaping.”
“Oh, there’s no need for that yet,” Twilight said, waving a hoof. “We can give him a couple minutes’ advantage. The important thing is that you’re okay.”
“But you said…”
“The ‘get him’ thing? That was just to make the situation more ironic.”
“Oh.”
“Hm.” Applejack looked upstairs. They couldn’t hear Money Bags anymore. “Tryin’ to get all his guards to beat us up? Okay. Usin’ those monsters to scare Twilight? Ah can buy that. Destroyin’ Manehattan? Meh. But…” She squinted. “Tryin’ to tackle Fluttershy?”
Twilight, Applejack, and Pinkie looked at each other, frowned, and nodded.
“He won’t know what hit him.”
“Let’s teach him how we deal with this kind of stuff on the farm.”
“Oh, Celestia, we’re gonna whoop his butt so badly!”
“OH CELESTIA THEY’RE GONNA WHOOP MY BUTT SO BADLY!” Money Bags yelled, his wings flapping hysterically. Which is actually quite a feat, seeing how wings are completely unable to show any emotion.
He hadn’t flown in a while, and his suit was not the most comfortable clothing he could have worn, but at the moment, Money Bags didn’t really care. He was flying as fast as he could towards the exit, clenching his teeth like he was trying to bite somepony’s ear off.
Just how on Equestria did they do that? Applejack had switched colors in the middle of the heist—right before they went out to the stage to play, Twilight had said. If only Money Bags hadn’t been zapped in the face, he would have noticed something, he was sure of it. If only—
WHACK!
There are many ways to describe the feeling of being hit in the face by an electric guitar. The most common one is just screaming something like “Oh dear Celestia, my face.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
Well, sometimes it took them a little bit of time.
And then he hit a wall, because he had been flying at top speed, and somepony had hit him with an electric guitar like they thought it was a bat and his face a baseball.
BOOM!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
And then he fell to the floor.
Silence.
“OH, DEAR CELESTIA, MY FACE!” he screamed.
“Hahah!” a voice chirped. “Took your time! You always gotta respect the classics.”
Money Bags opened his eyes wide and got up. The pain disappeared almost immediately, because it turns out that being in absolute shock can be good once in a while. “YOU?!” he yelled, looking at the pony in front of him and trying his best not to sound as scared as he was. He failed.
“Woah.” Pinkie Pie shifted her grip on the neck of the electric guitar and rested it on her shoulder. “You sound absolutely scared.” She grinned. “I love that! Isn’t it fun?”
“YOU HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH A GUITAR!”
“Actually, it was a ukulele swing.” Pinkie shrugged. “I couldn’t get a ukulele in time, though, so I figured this one would play the part. What do you think?”
“WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?!”
Pinkie blinked. “Monster? ” She frowned and looked at her hooves. “I am not a monster, I’m a pony, you silly! Chimeras or dragons are monsters. But me? I’m just Pinkie!”
“I LITERALLY RAN PAST YOU THREE MINUTES AGO, HOW ON EQUESTRIA CAN YOU BE HERE ALREADY?!”
“Well, I obviously chased after you because you hurt Fluttershy! That was a mean thing to do.”
“IT’S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO BE HERE! YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE THERE TO WHACK ME WITH THAT GUITAR!”
Silence.
Pinkie spun the guitar on her hooves. “Well,” she said, “I think the standard explanation to that is that…” she smirked. “I am very whacky.”
Silence.
Money Bags squinted. “Okay, you were very creepy before, but this is just stupid.”
“Joke’s on you, I’ve been waiting for that pun for a long time.”
“…Okay, I’ll admit I kind of walked straight into tha—YOU HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH A GUITAR!”
“With a ukulele swing,” Pinkie repeated. “It’s very different! And hey, don’t be that dramatic!” Pinkie snorted. “It’s just your face, it’s no biggie! You should have seen what Applejack did to the guards who caught her.”
“But how—?”
“Well, Twilight gave us three hours,” Pinkie said. “That’s more than enough for Applejack to have a little fun and then find us. I told Twilight she could probably stall you for a long time, and she really did a great job there!”
Money Bags shook his head. “Wait a moment,” he said. “She was stalling me?”
“Of course she was!” Pinkie replied, chuckling. “That was the plan all along! Seeing how much you talk about security, I knew you would want Twilight to explain everything to you. Planning heists is fun!”
“YOUR PLAN WAS TO BLOW UP MY OFFICE AND RUN AWAY!”
Pinkie arched an eyebrow. “Um. Well, that’s right, I guess. But there was more than—”
“Pinkie!” Twilight’s voice came from downstairs. “Pinkie, did you get him?!”
“With a guitar swung like a ukulele!” Pinkie replied, looking downstairs. “He’s right next to—!”
Nyoooooom!
“Okay, correction: he was right next to me!”
Almost there, Money Bags thought. His face tickled a little bit. Maybe it was the air against his muzzle, maybe it was the horrible concussion. Didn’t really matter. Money Bags was dead tired, but he was finally getting out of the private part of the casino. Once he was again surrounded by nobleponies, he could get lost in the crowd easily, and then he’d think of something. No more guards, but surely he could at least—
The door! Money Bags stopped in midair for a second and caught his breath. The exit was there! He could get away, and—
Somepony was blocking the exit.
Money Bags frowned and landed on all fours, locking eyes with the mare in front of him. “You,” he muttered.
“Me,” Rarity replied.
She was leaning against the closed door with her forelegs crossed in front of her chest. She was wearing a black top hat, her coat was colored a pale grey, and her mouth was curled up in a smile.
Silence. Rarity fluttered her eyelashes.
Blink. Blink. Blink. I’m pretty!
“Not gonna work this time!” Money Bags said, stomping on the floor. “Don’t get in my way!”
“Oh, of course.” Rarity nodded, although she didn’t move from the door. “But you do realize you’ve lost, right? There’s nothing you can do." She smiled. “Pinkie and Twilight read you like a book, didn’t they? Everything went exactly the way we planned.” A pause. “Not going to lie: that’s really creepy. It’s not like Pinkie wasn’t creepy before, but this is just—”
“Celestia, I know, right?” Money Bags shivered. “She teleported and hit me in the face with an electric guitar!”
“What?” Rarity cocked her head to the side. “She brought the guitar all the way down?”
“No.” Money Bags shook his head. “I mean, that’s the creepy part. I’m absolutely sure she left it here. I saw her break it against one of my bulky guards’ neck.”
“Then where did she get that second guitar from?”
“I have no idea.”
“Hmm.” Rarity scratched her chin. “I am so glad she’s on our team, honestly. Pinkie’s a darling, but there are things a mere mortal should not toy with.”
“How can you sleep at night, with that pony in—” Money Bags blinked. “Wait a moment. Enough with the chit-chat!” He pointed an accusatory hoof at Rarity. He kind of looked like a lawyer in the middle of a trial while doing so, which obviously meant he looked twice as evil. “You’re bluffing! There’s no way you could have planned everything!”
“Well, rather obviously, we blew up the majority of the Canterlot sewer system by accident.” Rarity waved a hoof. “Dash’s incompetence, as always. That aside, I’m afraid to say I don’t really need to bluff, dear.”
“Hah!” Money Bags crossed his legs. “You won’t fool me, mare! Now step aside from that door, or I’ll tackle you like I tackled your friends!”
Rarity’s eyes got wide. “You tackled Applejack?!”
“What? No! Do you think I’m suicidal?” Money Bags waved a hoof. “I went against Fluttershy. I mean, I’m not crazy.”
Rarity’s lips formed a perfect “O”, but she made no sound.
“I seriously don’t get why you took her in your team, really.” Money Bags looked behind him. Still no sound from Twilight or the others. “She’s been absolutely useless until now.”
Silence.
Rarity sighed and stepped away from the door. “Well, then. I believe I’ve suffered enough physical damage for a lifetime, thank you very much.” She frowned. “My hooficure’s all but ruined.”
Money Bags stopped in mid-step. “Wait.” He looked at her. “You went into the sewers with a hooficure?”
“If you can’t be elegant a hundred percent of the time, you are not elegant at all!” Rarity pressed a hoof against her chest and squinted. “I always look good!”
Money Bags shot her a sideways glance as he grabbed the door handle. “I can tell,” he muttered.
Then he blinked.
“Wait a second.” He looked at her again. “Didn’t you fall all the way down to my office before? You don’t look the part.”
“Please, darling.” Rarity gave a very ladylike snort. “You gave us three free hours. I had more than enough time to fix myself up a little bit.”
Money Bags shrugged and opened the door. The public part of the casino was in front of him. He took a step outside…
And then he noticed it. There was something strange about the casino. It was…
“Completely silent,” Rarity said behind him. He turned around and looked at her, and saw she was smiling. “Even when there’s nopony in this particular part of the casino, you can always hear the noises they make while gambling, right?”
Money Bags gulped. “Oh, dear. Don’t tell me the casino is…”
“Completely empty,” Rarity finished. “Everypony has been safely evacuated. As I said, you gave us three hours. We can do far more than just fix my makeup in three hours, Mister Money Bags.”
“Rarity!” Twilight’s voice, from somewhere below them. “Is he there?”
“Yes, but I can’t really stall him that much longer!” Rarity answered, never looking away from Money Bags. “Quick, girls, he’s escaping!”
“On it!”
“No crowds to hide in, Mister Money Bags.” Rarity smirked at him. “Let’s see if you can run from them.”
The casino was, as Rarity had said, completely empty. Not a soul in there. It was the second creepiest thing Money Bags had seen in the building, but at least Rarity wasn’t following him. And Twilight and Applejack were nowhere to be seen, either.
The fact that those two had managed to catch up to him in so little time made him feel uneasy. Sure, Princess Twilight had wings, but she didn’t look like a good flier. And Money Bags, like any good economist out there, had gone through special training to flee from threats as fast as possible. Ponies usually disliked economists, after all.
But still, it’s not like everything was lost, he thought as he flew straight into the gambling section. The always-busy slot machines were as quiet as a very lazy necromancer’s cemetery. Twilight and her friends could try to bluff as much as they wanted, but there was no way they would—
“‘Sup.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
Money Bags yelped like a mime sprayed with holy water. Which is not exactly a good thing to do while flying as fast as one can. His wings froze for a second, and as a result, Money Bags landed with the gracefulness of a rock being thrown into a lake. He rolled for a couple meters until finally a slot machine stopped him, and he stood there, groaning and feeling dizzy, for a second or two.
“Wow,” the same voice that had startled him said. “That was so lame.”
It was, of course, Rainbow Dash. Wearing a top hat and looking at him with a smirk.
“Now I gotta deal with you?! What the everloving ponyfeathers are you even doing here?!” Money Bags screamed, getting up and fixing his tie, spitting a little with every word. “Are you girls just waiting for me in random parts of the casino or something? Is that some kind of layered vengeance you’re having on me?!”
“Yeah. Pretty much.”
“AT LEAST TAKE IT SERIOUSLY ENOUGH TO DENY IT!”
“What happened to your face?” Dash pointed at the space between his eyes. “You look like you’ve been hit in the head with a—”
“Guitar,” Money Bags interrupted, squinting. His face still tingled. He figured it was going to hurt a lot the next day. “Your pink friend.”
“I was actually going to say ‘ukulele’ here.” She took a look around. “Anyway, what do you think of what we’ve done to the place? Cool, huh?”
Money Bags tched. “You got the nobleponies out. So?”
“What do you mean, ‘so’?” Dash smirked. “You can’t hide from us! You’re the only green pegasus in here, buddy! You’re trapped!”
“Yes, and you and your friends have been desperately trying to make it look like you have a plan for a while now.” Money Bags shook his head and flew away towards the exit. Making it look like it took her no effort, Dash caught up to his side in less than a second. “And you’re not even half as creepy as the pink one,” he said.
“Okay, to be fair, nopony’s as creepy as Pinkie.” Dash shivered. “She’s an awesome friend, but I’m so glad we’re on her team.” She blinked. “Also, hey! We’re not bluffing! In fact, we kinda planned this as the part in which we show you how we’ve planned everything and laugh in your face.” Dash pointed at his face. “ Hah. Hah. Hah. See? It’s essential in any good heist.”
THE PART WHERE WE SHOW HIM HOW WE’VE PLANNED EVERYTHING AND LAUGH AT HIS FACE
“Do you seriously need to carry that all the time?”
Spike shrugged. “I’m just following orders.”
“Sure you do,” Money Bags said. They were flying towards the main door. “And yet, even Rarity admitted that you had, in fact, not planned everything. You’re obviously lying.”
“Okay, I’ll admit anytime that the part where we turned into spiders wasn’t planned,” Dash said. “That was just weird. But that aside, we got everything from the very first moment!”
Money Bags snorted. “Your plan was about getting in from the sewers, and then get out. You and Rarity shouldn’t have gone upstairs at any moment. You blew up my office.”
Dash frowned. “What, and you thought that wasn’t according to plan?”
Silence.
Money Bags stopped in midair and stared at Dash. “What?”
“I mean, Twilight’s a genius,” Dash said, shrugging. “One look at the sewers, and she could safely say that we couldn’t blow up a hole in there without destroying the office completely. We knew from the start that that was a way in, but not a way out.”
“But…” Money Bags frowned. “But Rarity said you blew up the sewers by accident!”
“Ah.” Dash blushed a little and scratched the back of her neck. “Heheh. The sewers. Yeah. I might have overdone the whole explosive-cake thing a little bit.” She frowned. “But hey, who’s to judge? Have you ever tried to detonate stuff with sweets? It’s hard!”
“But…” Money Bags shook his head. “I would have heard an explosion strong enough to blow up my office.. What kind of plan is that?”
Dash arched an eyebrow. “You didn’t hear it?”
“Well, no.” Money Bags looked to the side. “I mistook it for a firework. You got lucky.”
“Of course we didn’t!” Dash rolled her eyes and crossed her legs. “You seriously thought a guy shot fireworks inside this place like that, just by chance? Didn’t you see Fireworks Guy up close?”
Silence. Money Bags stared.
Dash shook her head. “I’ll give you a clue: he has a mullet. An awesome mullet. The slickest mullet you’ve ever seen.”
Silence. Money Bags stared a little more.
“Doesn’t ring a bell?” Dash bit her lip. “Hmmm. He’s always holding a soda can. What about that?”
Silence.
Money Bags’ eyes got wide. “No,” he whispered.
“Yes.”
“No!”
“Yes.”
“NO!”
“Yyyyessh.”
“You got Soda Guy on your side?!” Money Bags pressed his hooves against his eyes. “That doesn’t make any sense! He worked for me! He was an important employee! How on Equestria—”
“Pinkie makes a very good soda.” Dash nodded to herself. “Easiest pony to manipulate ever.”
“No, that makes no sense!” Money Bags shook his head and flew to the main door. He got there in thirty seconds, and Dash landed right before him shortly afterwards. “I refuse to believe you planned anything like that! It was just a fluke!” he said, trying to open the door.
Completely useless. The thing was as locked as it could be. Money Bags himself had closed it after letting the watermelonian guards in, in fact. He looked for the key in his pockets, but there was no use. He had probably lost it while flying upstairs, he thought.
“Sure it was, buddy. Sure it was.” Dash snorted. “We get in here, Applejack disguises herself as Rarity, you trap Twilight… Everything was planned from the start!”
“And yet, even if what you say is true, you’ve still lost!” Money Bags turned to Dash and bared his teeth. “You’ve got nothing on me, and—!”
“Dash!” Twilight’s voice came from their right. Both Money Bags and Rainbow turned around, and, yes—Princess Twilight was there, flying towards them. Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie were running right behind her. “Dash, you got him! Good job!”
“Of course I caught him!” Dash replied, grinning. “I’m awesome!”
“Oh, come on!” Money Bags looked around, but there was nowhere to run—if the exit was locked, there was no point at all, and Twilight and company were already next to him anyway. “It’s literally impossible for you to be here already! How did you even make it out of the stairs in so little—”
“Gravity spell,” Twilight interrupted.
Money Bags blinked. “What?”
“It’s not the first time I’ve had to face a lot of stairs,” Twilight said, shrugging. “A shame Rarity didn’t know that spell, though.”
“Yes.” Rarity narrowed her eyes at Twilight. “Rub it in, would you.”
“Look, I already said I’m sorry for not thinking about it earlier!” Twilight replied. “Really, really sorry!”
“Nowhere to run, hmm?” Applejack got really close to Money Bags and pressed her chest against him. “Not so brave now, are you?”
“Um.” Money Bags took a step back. “Uuum. You can’t punch me.”
“Ah can’t? Funny, Ah thought you were runnin’ because—”
“Nope.” Money Bags raised a hoof and looked at Applejack eye to eye. “Look, this has been an amazing ride, and I hope you all have had as much fun as possible, but it’s officially over.” He took another step back and looked at all of them. “You’ve successfully scared me, and I’ve probably lost a lot of money today, but that’s it. I’ve had enough.” He looked at the door. “Now unlock that, and let me—”
BLAM!
Money Bags never got to finish his sentence. The door had been opened.
By a kick.
And at the other side, his leg still up, was a baby dragon.
“Woah,” he muttered, looking at his foot. “It actually worked?”
“I told you, Spike!” Pinkie said, grinning at him. “Pinkicks always work!”
“Spike!”
“Spikey!”
“You got here just at the right moment, sugarcube.”
“Awesome entrance!”
“Heheh.” Spike blushed a little and put his foot down. “Aw, shucks. Glad to see you too, girls.” Then he looked at Money Bags. “And I suppose you’re the bad guy?”
“And you’re the useless dragon,” Money Bags replied, arching an eyebrow at him. Spike was as tall as his chest. Not exactly as menacing as he had imagined.
“Actually, the title is ‘Dashing Mailbox’.”
“And what is he doing here, exactly?” Money Bags looked at Twilight. “You’re going to tell me this was part of the plan, too? I was right all along when I got suspicious about him?”
“Why, of course.” Rarity waved a hoof and patted Spike’s head. “Spikey was essential to the plan for the very beginning!”
“You weren’t the only one being stalled, Money Bags,” Twilight said, smiling. “Three hours is a long time. And once he knew our little talk was over, he made his final move.”
Spike smirked and pointed at the door. “I brought the cavalry.”
The ground trembled with the sound of stomping hooves.
The Royal Guard had arrived.
There’s a funny sensation one gets when being stared at by the Royal Guards of Canterlot. They’re the crème de la crème when it comes to Equestria’s security forces, which probably means that they’re pretty useless. But they’re tough, mean-looking, and they all more or less look the exact freaking same, which is extremely unsetting.
It takes more than some guts and some golden armor to be accepted into the Royal Guards. Real results aside, they’re expected to protect the Princesses, and for that same reason they’re far better than any normal pony when it comes to a face-to-face fight. Sure, the key here, again, is ‘normal’. After seeing what Applejack had done to his personal guards, Money Bags wasn’t exactly scared of the Royal Guards.
But that didn’t matter. He smiled as he saw the white ponies fill his precious casino and stare down at him like one would stare at a cockroach on top of two more cockroaches. The Royal Guards were far more than mere brute force. They represented authority—that was the important part.
“My, what a smart move on your part!” Money Bags said when all the Royal Guards were finally inside. Spike had brought around two dozen of them. “I’m so glad you did this, Spike!” Then he closed his eyes and cleared his throat with a cough. When he talked again, he put as much authority as possible in his voice. “Guards,” he said, pointing at Princess Twilight, “please, arrest them.”
“What?!”
“What in the name of—”
“Arrest her?” The Captain of the Royal Guards, easily recognizable because he was the one talking and literally for no other reason whatsoever, frowned and shook his head. “No, Money Bags. We’re here to take you.”
“Oh, I’m sure of that,” Money Bags said, nodding. “And yet, I’m absolutely sure that you’re going to take her. And her meddling friends. And her little dragon, too.”
“Hey!” Pinkie raised a hoof to her chest. “I’m not a meddler! I have no idea what that means, but I’m sure I’m not one!”
“Um.” Rarity looked at Pinkie. “It means you’re annoying and interfere with others.”
“Oh.” A pause. “Okay, yeah, then we’re all meddlers. But Spike is not little!”
“You’re in my casino,” Money Bags continued, glaring daggers at Princess Twilight. “You’ve caused countless instances of property damage, and all my personal security guards are knocked out because of your extremely illegal assault.”
Applejack frowned. “It was self-defense!”
“I’m a hundred percent sure what you did does not count as self-defense, by any definition of the word,” Money Bags said, snorting. “On the other hoof, what I did was just send the guards after a group of terrorists who tried to attack me and everything this casino stands for.” He ran a hoof through his mane. “I’m sure that you are not above justice, Princess, no matter what your title is.”
“We’re here to arrest you for crimes against Equestria,” the Captain of the Royal Guards said. “We, uh. We heard you were going to attack Manehattan, and—”
“And you have absolutely no proof of that,” Money Bags interrupted, glaring at the Captain, “because they blew up my office and every single document in there. Documents, I may add, that you could not use in a trial anyway, because without a warrant, you don’t have the authority to get them legally. Meanwhile, I have countless witnesses that say that, indeed, Princess Twilight and her friends destroyed my casino and committed probably every crime in existence while doing so.” He pointed at Twilight again. “Now, arrest her.”
Silence. The Royal Guards looked at each other.
“What?” Money Bags asked, frowning. “You thought it was as easy as this? The law is how it is, and—wait a second.” He blinked and looked at Twilight again. “Oh. Oh, no. You’re smirking.”
Twilight looked to the side and raised a hoof to cover her smirk. “I’m not,” she said.
“Oh, no.” He looked at the rest. “Oh, dear Celestia, you’re all smirking! Even that guard there!”
Everypony looked at the guard, who flushed. “Um,” he muttered, “sorry, I have no idea what’s going on. I was just laughing at the wasps on Princess Twilight’s dress. That one is making a lewd gesture.”
“Oh. Okay, that’s understandab—why are you smirking?!” Money Bags’ voice became high-pitched. He sounded like a suffocating breezie. “There’s no reason for you all to be smirking! You can’t possibly tell me you planned this too!”
“YEAH!”
And that was it.
Money Bags’ empire ended not with a bang, but with ten ponies, each with a million pounds of muscle, screaming exactly at the same time.
Everything seemed to freeze as they all turned around to face the newcomers—the watermelonian guards were there, looking as muscular as ever. One of them was carrying an obscenely big bag of gold.
And in front of them, rocking a small but sincere smile, was none other than Fluttershy.
“And the Ninja,” Pinkie Pie whispered, her eyes sparkling like a mountain made entirely out of nitroglycerin, “makes her move.”
“What in the name of…?” Money Bags blinked a couple times before shaking his head and looking again. Fluttershy wasn’t merely walking in front of the guards—she was guiding them. “What are you doing here? You all got knocked out!”
“Oh, of course they didn’t!” Fluttershy said, turning to face the watermelonian crew. “They were just a little dizzy. Isn’t that right?”
“YEAH!”
“Yes it is!” Fluttershy smiled even harder and clapped twice. “Who’s a good boy?”
“WE ARE!”
“Yes you are!” Fluttershy said, nodding. “You’re all very good boys!”
“TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!”
“Oh, ponyfeathers,” Money Bags whispered, covering his mouth with a hoof. “She’s seduced them?! Half of them are female!”
“Yeah.” Dash snorted. “Like that matters.”
“She hasn’t seduced anypony!” Pinkie said. “She just helped them out of their magical sleep! Right?”
“YEAH!”
“It’s just that Fluttershy’s a naturally kind pony,” Applejack said. “She’s very shy, but when an animal is in danger, there ain’t no pony like her.”
“Plus, I already told you,” Twilight said. “Fluttershy gets along really well with the muscular guy in Ponyville.”
“And we already knew you had special, muscular guards,” Rarity chimed. “Because you told me absolutely everything related to the casino’s security.”
“But…” Money Bags was pale as a ghost with anemia. Drops of sweat ran down his forehead. “But…” he whispered. "They’re my guards…”
“They’re also our friends now,” Twilight said. “And I’m willing to bet you anything that Fluttershy’s made a more meaningful relationship with them in twenty minutes than anything you’ve done in the last two years.”
“And they heard everything you said to Twilight!” Pinkie said. “You confessed your crimes, didn’t you?”
Money Bags got even paler, somehow.
“TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!”
“So,” Fluttershy said, looking at the watermelonian guards with puppy eyes, “are you going to testify against Money Bags?”
“YEAH!”
“And you saw what Applejack and Dash did… That was self-defense, right?”
“YEAH!”
“The only bad guy here is Money Bags, right?”
“YEAH!”
Fluttershy clapped again. “Very good!” she said. “You’re being so nice!”
“TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!”
“There’s something seriously disturbing about this picture, sir,” one of the Royal Guards whispered to the captain. “Seeeriously disturbing.”
“Sorry, what? I keep getting distracted by that obscenely huge bag of gold.”
“But…” Money Bags looked down. “But… The other guards…”
“Pretty sure they won’t talk, fella,” Applejack said. “Made sure of that, myself.”
“Yeah. And the nobleponies thought this was all a Pfrench thing.” Dash chuckled. “And even without that, good luck getting them to say anything against Princess Twilight.”
“The kitchen ponies are all friends of mine now!” Pinkie chimed.
“But that’s not fair!” Money Bags screamed. He turned towards Twilight and looked her straight in the eyes. His voice was trembling. “You’re not playing by the rules! You’re denying me my—”
“Of course we’re not playing by the rules, Money Bags,” Twilight interrupted. Her friends, plus Spike and the watermelonian guards, stood right behind her, in V-formation. She let a smile creep to her face. “Why would we? We’re committing a heist.”
“Uh. Princess?” The Captain frowned. “Did you just admit that you committed a crime?”
“Nope. It must have been your imagination.”
“Oh. Well, that makes sense.”
Money Bags didn’t reply.
He just looked down, and sat on the floor. His guards, gone. The nobleponies wouldn’t help him. He had no witnesses. Twilight and her friends had stormed the casino, broken the law, and destroyed everything he’d built from scratch.
And, just because they were friends with the ponies who should be loyal to him, they were going to leave unscathed. He’d been defeated with friendship.
“I still have money,” he whispered. He wasn’t frowning. His expression was completely neutral. When he looked at Twilight, his face was calm and composed. “I can get out of this. This is not over.”
“Woah.” Pinkie frowned and crossed her legs. “That’s the most cliché thing you could have said.”
“Indeed it is,” Twilight said, nodding. “You’re very disappointing, Money Bags.”
“Shouldn’t that be, like, a clue?” Dash asked, looking at the Royal Guards. “I mean, he just admitted he’s going to use his money to get away with his crimes.”
“Actually, it is,” the Captain said. “Obvious Evilness is an aggravating circumstance. Now he’s facing three more years in the dungeons.”
Money Bags rolled his eyes. “Jail doesn’t matter,” he said. “Sooner or later, I’ll be out. And when I get out—”
“Two more years,” interrupted the Captain.
“Uh.” Money Bags blinked. “Um. You haven’t seen the last of—!”
“Three extra months, and you’ll have to clean the prison toilets.”
“NO, PRINCESS, I AM YOUR FATH—”
“You’ll be in the same cell as the smelly inmate.”
“Okay.” Money Bags looked at the Captain. “Can I say anything without worsening my situation?”
“Not really.” The Captain shrugged. “And if you kick a dog or laugh maniacally on top of everything you’ve said, we don’t even need to give you a fair trial.”
“Darn,” Applejack muttered, “Ah love justice.”
“Oh come on! Cut me some slack.” Money Bags made a pout. “Can’t I at least glare at them? Like, menacingly. Maybe mutter a ‘I’ll be back!’ or something?”
“Hmmm.” The Captain scratched his cheek. “I guess. But you can only do it while we drag you out. And you need to specify that you will be back in a non-evil way.”
“What? Non-evil?”
“That’s the standard route, yes.” The Captain shrugged. “You rot in jail while they have another adventure with a more evil, more powerful enemy, and at some point you come back.”
“Either as a comic relief, or as an ally that might as well be the actual hero,” a second guard said, poking his head from behind the Captain. “But officially you won’t be because the other characters are more popular.”
“Maybe add some love tension in there to spice things up a little bit,” the Captain said. “That usually works.”
“Ugh.” Money Bags waved a hoof. “No way I’m going to do that.”
“I’m sorry, son.” The Captain broadened his shoulders. “But that’s how the law works in this kingdom!”
“Not like anything of any sort of value is lost, anyway,” the other guard said. “Second adventures are never as good as the first ones.”
“That one is true,” the Captain said. “Now, let’s end this pantomime already.” He turned around and walked to the door, not bothering to look at Money Bags one last time. “Take him, boys.”
The Royal Guards obeyed. And as they dragged him out the casino, Money Bags glared daggers and Twilight and friends. “I’ll be back! And not as a plucky comic relief!”
“You know,” one of the guards dragging him said, “just because of those last seven words, I can safely assure you that there’s no way you’re coming back.”
With that, they were out of the casino.
And that was the end of Money Bags.
Or at least, it was the beginning of the end, Twilight thought as they walked towards the house they’d bought, completely exhausted by the three hours they had spent with the Royal Guards. Answering questions, filling out legal forms, explaining what they had seen, lying about the whole “illegal” thing…
“I don’t know how they managed,” Dash said, “but somehow, the Royal Guards’ bureaucracy was worse than the explosion in the sewers.”
“Speak for yourself,” Rarity said, narrowing her eyes. “I’m absolutely dying for a hot shower and some relaxing after all this! I’m sure Canterlot has some magnificent spas out there.”
“You can’t go to a spa, Rarity!” Pinkie turned around to face her, a pout on her face. “We need to celebrate this! Everything went according to plan!”
“For once, I’m with Boss,” Twilight said, smiling. “Don’t you all feel like having a party, if only a little?”
“A small party would be nice,” Fluttershy muttered.
“Well, some quiet time between friends, with drinks and nice chatting…” Rarity said.
“Maybe a lil’ bit of cider?” Applejack said. “It won’t be as good as the one we make in Sweet Apple Acres, but Ah’ve heard good things about Canterlot’s apples…”
“We can play card games!” Dash said as she landed. They were already in front of the house. The sky was dark and full of stars, and for a moment, they all looked at it, and smiled.
“We had so much fun!” Pinkie said. “I knew robbing a bank would be a good idea!”
“It was a casino, Pinkie.”
“Oh, you know what I mean.” She smiled, and her lips curled so much her smile looked like the half-moon in the sky. “And you know what the best part is, girls?”
They all looked at her. Spike coughed.
“Ah. Sorry. You know what the best part is, girls and Spike?” She grabbed the door handle and opened the door.
“SURPRISE!”
The lights inside of the house lit up at once, and suddenly there was confetti everywhere. They were all inside the house, surrounded by drinks, food, and games—the schoolfilly stallion, Chocolate Pudding, the jerk cook, Orange Swirl, the young noblemare, the watermelonian guards, the Soda Guy… All of them, party hats on their heads, looking at them and smiling.
The Soda Guy was the first one to the door. He stood in front of Pinkie and bowed. “Master,” he said after taking a sip from his soda, “I hope you’ll enlighten me with your wisdom tonight, once again.”
Silence.
“Oh, of course!” Pinkie patted his head and smiled. “That’s a weird way to say ‘soda’ though.”
“How…?” Applejack frowned and looked at Pinkie. “Did you do this?”
“Yeah!”
“But… You had no time to—”
“I believe the standard explanation,” the schoolfilly stallion said, smiling at them, “is that the miss is ‘very wacky’.”
“And that’s all you’ll ever get!” Pinkie said, laughing and entering the house. “Come on, girls! And Spike! Enough worry; let’s party!”
Twilight, Applejack, Spike, Fluttershy, Dash, and Rarity looked at each other.
Then they shrugged. They smiled.
And they partied.
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...
I have no words.
The only thing I can say is:
Fuck.
The.
Hell.
YAS.
--SYA, The Horse who is currently incapacitated with laughter
THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS!
THERE'LL BE A SEQUEL!
IGNORE THE ONE PERSON WHO SAID THAT! Or not! But this was awesome
Is there going to be a sequel?
Wow, terrible sequel hook. Good thing you aren't writing one anyway! Unless you are, and your comments otherwise are just a ruse... wait, this whole story is only here to distract me while you write the real story, isn't it?
Dang it, I was hoping for Twilight to say something like "Buck the law, I'm a princess! I make the laws!"
Wow, the Royal guard sentences by the Tv-Tropes-code.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/8/12/398152__safe_solo_vector_octavia_reaction+image_octavia+melody_computer_chest+fluff_artist-colon-reiduran.png
This was a glorious, fantastic ride. Easily one of my favorite stories ever.
I really just... Yeah. Thank you. And it was perfectly gay. Remember, these are ponies.
26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpki2rN8Z91qm6oc3o1_500.gif
At least a giant robot did not emerge from the welt the guitar made.
This line just floored me. Too funny.
I just got back up from that last line, and this one knocked me down again and split open my sides. Expect a bill from my doctor.
That happens quite often with these six ponies.
The penultimate chapter has come and gone, all that is left is the epilogue.
~KBO.
"Good doggies! Have a treat! (You like Scooby Snacks, right?)"
"YEAH!"
'Author's Note:
Real comment from one of the proofreaders after reading this chapter: "Did it ever run through your head that you made this fic too gay?"'
As funny as the story often was, this line gave me the best laugh of all.