Scootaloo's Flight

Snowfeather #1 · Jan 26th, 2015 · · · Capture ·

I actually found this by accident after seeing on the front page. I saw 'Scootaloo's Flight' and I was like, wait a minute... Cool, you published it!

Have you published up to where I read on your computer?

alai20

alai20 #2 · Jan 27th, 2015 · · · Capture ·

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5550495 nope. I'm posting chapter by chapter...

Starlight Nova

Starlight Nova #3 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · · Rescue ·

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Why does this story have cover art of the Sirens?

alai20

alai20 #4 · Feb 10th, 2015 · · · Rescue ·

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5603967 The main point of the story is how the Sirens' torture ponies, and it's explained more in the end.

buttonbelle

buttonbelle #5 · Feb 24th, 2015 · · · Remedy ·

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Ice Shard killed me!? Great, now I'm my most hated winx club girl, Button's mom, a girl from the vampire diaries that lost her ability to speak after being turned into a 'spirit vampire' and dead. What else happens to those with my name?

Snowfeather

Snowfeather #6 · Mar 1st, 2015 · · · Rescue ·

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EDITS/COMMENTARY

Logs! Attention Sirens! I have this thing called a Swiss Army Knife.

“Help… Is anyone there? Please help me…”

New paragraph starting with "Help". Make a new paragraph every time someone new speaks.

The voice sounded hoarse, which meant they’d been screaming earlier...

Let the reader come to this conclusion. Just mention the voice sounded hoarse.

I saw a small, white, pegasi.

Pegasi is plural. If there is just one, it would be pegasus.

How could I get this filly and Sweetie Belle out?

Since Scootaloo doesn't know if it's a girl or a boy you should use something that's gender neutral, like foal, to describe him.

They turned, screaming,

They? How are there multiples of him? Also start a new paragraph with "They".

.”I’m not going to hurt you. Just relax and let me help you.”

Turn the beginning quotation marks around and start a new paragraph.

“Ok.” Was the only response I got.

Try: "An okay was the only response I got."

.” So, what’s your name.”

Question mark at the end and start a new paragraph.

“Scootaloo.” I replied.

Replace the period with a comma.

“Actually, yes I have.” He said.

Same thing as above.

Good job! I'm rereading this one and I'm then going to go onto the next two you published that I haven't read.

Snowfeather

Snowfeather #7 · Mar 1st, 2015 · · · Escape ·

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EDITS/COMMENTARY

We had just enough wing power to not touch the ground.

But I thought they were going down a cliff? This first paragraph is really confusing.

I took a deep breath and turned to Sweetie Belle.

Indent this.

Apparently he lived in Ponyville, and he was homeschooled.

When did he tell Scootaloo this?

Soon, we passed Danny Hoofbeat’s sign,

Geez, this had me so confused until I remembered who he was.

who had followed us before he went to his house.

He hasn't left to go to his house yet. How does Scootaloo know that?

“Why would someone be at my door at one a.m.? What do you need, darling, I am in desperate need of beauty sleep.”

I can so imagine Rarity saying this. Also, a.m. should be capitalized.

Whoosh! A pony landed right...

Landed? Was she flying from above or was she in Rarity's house and just faceplanted onto the ground?

I went back outside to talk to Stitch, and make sure he went home.

How did she get back outside? I'm pretty sure her mom wouldn't be letting her just walk off in the middle of the night again.

I made my way to Twilight’s castle, pushed open the door, and saw Twilight lying on the floor, the tip of her horn charred.

I guess Spike's asleep?

I woke in Twilight’s library.

If Twilight has her castle, then the library should be a ruined husk. Any pegasus flying over could see them.

He looked so different, now not a white pegasi, but a dark yellow unicorn.

If he looks so different, how did Scootaloo figure out he was Stitch?

“How do you feel to be the lucky filly that lead Equestria to oblivion?”

Oh, wow. I was not expecting that. I knew something was up with Stitch, but I didn't guess that.

If Stitch and the Sirens are smart, they need to kill one of the Elements of Harmony. Without all six members, the EoH are useless. Twilight would be the best to kill, because she's knocked out right now and is going to unleash a ton of hate and damage on the sirens if they kill one of her friends. She's also one alicorn down out of four.
Keep writing this, I really want to find out what happens next.

Snowfeather

Snowfeather #8 · Mar 1st, 2015 · · · Remedy ·

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EDITS/COMMENTARY

“You’re supposed to be younger.” I coughed,

He's a stallion?

The only thing I heard was about this death, that shooting, those bombings.

This Celestia is a really cool idea. The perfect Equestria we see isn't real. We're only seeing Celestia's promoted hyper-real.

There was a filly in my class… her name was Ice Shard.

Hey Ice Shard! Thank you for using her in your story!

The blue pegasi was very… strange at times.

Pegasi is plural.

The last day we all saw her, the only thing she said all day was, “They’re going to kill me.”

You know what this made me think of? "Ice Shard, what's the answer to number twelve?" "They're going to kill me." "What?!"

We left early that day.

It was probably like last Tuesday. "Speeding Shadow, please come down to the office to be checked out because there is a psychopathic filly in your class. Speeding Shadow, please come down to office."

Just… smiling.

It's Smile HD Stitch-style!

You can continue the usual treatment for… let’s say they’re the rebellious.

Let's say they're the rebellious? What do you mean by that?

“I’ll go with you.” I said.

What if Scootaloo doesn't feel like escaping because she doesn't want to go back to Ponyville because she hates them so much?
Oh crap.

I was led out of Twilight’s library into what used to be Sugarcube Corner.

Won't somepony see them?

The paint was chipping, and all the windows were broken or covered with ash. I wanted to throw up- there was a body next to the door-

Oh, nopony's going to see them because everypony's dead. That's great.

I wondered how my mother was. I didn’t want to think of the worst. I miss her, and my old life. I almost cried,

But wouldn't she be hating her mother?

I was sort of expecting a small adventure in which Sweetie gets captured and Scootaloo goes and saves her and everything is happy again. I was not expecting that Stitch was evil and Ponyville would be destroyed. Now I really want the next chapter.

Write quickly, Speeding Shadow, or else Ice Shard might have visit you in the middle of the night.

(P.S. Thanks for the edits on Hail to the Queen, by the way. I put a link to your user page in the description and put the edits in.)

alai20

alai20 #9 · Mar 4th, 2015 · · · Remedy ·

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5666499 Your name must be very popular...

alai20

alai20 #10 · Mar 4th, 2015 · · · Remedy ·

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5682827 Thanks for the edits! I'll fix them.

Snowfeather

Snowfeather #11 · Jul 6th, 2015 · 1 · · Mistakes ·

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EDITS/COMMENTARY

Make sure to indent every new paragraph, including the ones that aren't dialogue.

I climbed the stairs to the roof.

Where are these stairs? And are they in Twilight's castle or library? How far away are the stairs to the roof?

He closed his eyes and smiled, almost like a young filly at a birthday party.

It should be colt, unless he's acting really girly.

“Ok Ash Fall,

Huh. Wonder who Ash Fall really is, or if he just made that name up?

How sick. At least he’ll be gone after this.

This should be in italics, to indicate Scootaloo is thinking this.

“Ok. We are going to push him off on three. He’s close enough to the edge to fall off. Let’s go.”

Dang, Scootaloo, you are violent. Killing villains in Equestria has only been done once, with Sombra, so it's kind of strange for Scootaloo to immediately assume a course of action which involves killing Stitch. Her first thought would be more of, let's imprison him until we can blast him with the Elements of Harmony. Killing him would be plan B, not A.

I counted, almost savoring the moment.

Geez, you are about to KILL somepony and you are excited?! Most kids of this age would be having some second thoughts about the morality of what they were doing.

“What about my gift?”

"Wha- HELP! THAT’S NOT A SURPRI-“

This made me laugh, although I really shouldn't be laughing at someone's last words as they fall to their death.

“That was a really god try, for a filly.”''

Good, not god.

“I liked your friends, they were very useful.” I shook, unable to speak. I saw my friends, a large magic bubble encasing them both- over the edge of the roof. “Too bad they have to die.”

Nononononono

The bubble popped. I closed my eyes. Heard something hit the ground

Oh. Oh my gosh. I was definitely not expecting THAT.

“Me.”

I think that's the best response I've ever heard to a dramatic 'you'.

“It’s WAY too easy to make a magical double. You got to have one these days, with everyone trying to kill me and all. I knew who you were the whole time Scootaloo. Did my double fake being crazy do the job?

I WAS DEFINETLY NOT EXPECTING THAT EITHER!
Okay, I think you just blew me away with that plot twist. I've been reading Pegasus Device, which features multiple crazy characters. Stitch, compared to them, seemed too cliché and a bit off. I just blamed that on the fact this was one of your first stories and you probably haven't read any books on psychology. Now, when Stitch revealed he was pretending to be crazy, it made SO much more sense. Pretending to be crazy and actually being crazy are going to feel different. That's why Stitch, who was pretending to be crazy, felt a little bit off compared to the Pegasus Device characters, who actually are crazy.
Wow. Just wow.
That was amazing.

Oh and it should be a comma after Stitch said.

“I’ll tell you. Maybe not, actually, I’m not a fan of monologues.”

Haha, a villain who doesn't monologue.

I was thrust over the edge of the roof. I felt the air rush around me. I closed my eyes. Blinding pain. Nothing.

Wow, that's certainly a cliffhanger.

Okay, I think this is DEFINETLY the best chapter so far. I need more. Longer chapters would be very, very much appreciated.
While this was a really short chapter, it really changed the story. It felt very realistic. Deaths happen suddenly, and most of the time, without warning, which was exactly what happened here.
This chapter also really showed how smart Stitch is. He followed 'keep your friends close but your enemies closer' very well, by promoting Scootaloo to second-in-command so quickly, and it didn't come off as deliberately trying to keep Scootaloo close, it came off as adding to his crazy persona. Acting so delusional allowed Scootaloo to believe he wouldn't catch her, and emboldened her to try to kill him in obvious ways. Showing his real self would have forced Scootaloo to be more inventive and secretive with her plans to take him down. Stitch also didn't monologue, which is a cliché weakness for villains, and he also killed Scootaloo quickly. I've always found it stupid when villains lock up their biggest threats in cells when they could escape, and not just kill them. They can escape from jail, but they can't escape death.
Also, why didn't Stitch kill Scootaloo earlier? It would have been safer, and Stitch really doesn't need to have a reason to kill Scootaloo.
So, in conclusion, I thought this was the best chapter so far, and I REALLY want more.

alai20

alai20 #12 · Jul 6th, 2015 · · · Mistakes ·

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6174739 I just made up Ash Fall, she isn't a real character.

Snowfeather

Snowfeather #13 · Jul 18th, 2015 · · · Restart ·

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EDITS/COMMENTARY

I thought of the air rushing around me, when suddenly my wings stretched out and saved me. I caught my friends. We were all still alive. I floated gracefully to the ground when something hit us.

This took me a while to understand this wasn't what really happened. You might want to make that more clear.

I couldn’t even have one good thought without Stitch messing it up.

He's telepathic? How does Scootaloo know?

I didn’t like dying.

NONONO DEUS EX MACHINA YOU'RE ALIVE NO DON'T DIE

My seven minutes were going to be up soon.

That was the fastest seven minutes I've ever seen.

I’m not a failure. I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying.

How does Scootaloo know that the voice was talking to her? It sounded more like it was talking to someone called Scenario. (Or if Scenario is a thing, not a person, then it shouldn't be capitalized and it should say 'the scenario'.)
Also, yes Scootaloo, you are a failure. To the Pegasus Device!

“Retrieve basic knowledge and training from the present. Download into Scootobot 8167.” The voice said.

Uh...
Also it should be 8167 and then a comma. Whenever someone speaks, and it ends with a period, and the next thing after that is he/she/they said, it should be a comma instead of a period.

Scootobot 8167 still believes she is Scootaloo.

Woah, she's a robot?!

I didn’t want to, but I held still.

Why? For all you know, they could be about to kill you. Scootaloo has no idea who these ponies are, why should she trust them?

It was Rainbow Dash.

Oh gosh, this is the Rainbow Factory.
(My comments about Rainbow Factory aren't me asking you to change anything, it's just me noticing the similarities.)

“This doesn’t hurt at a-“I stiffened, involuntarily.

Should be:
"This doesn't hurt at a--" I stiffened, involuntarily.

Al of the pain receded and I didn’t feel a thing.

All, not Al.

He killed Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo. They were the first. He has killed so many, and so fast.

WHAT? NO!

Rainbow Dash was the only survivor, but she suffered horrible injuries.

THEY'RE ALL DEAD?!

Normally, Celestia would have defeated them by now, but she didn’t want to hurt Rainbow.

Why would defeating Stitch hurt Rainbow?

She wanted them to go through Scootaloo’s memories and “prepare” themselves by being a winner in the situation when Scootaloo died.

So that was how Scootaloo died, but then who are Apple Bloom and Sweetie? Are they robots too? Wouldn't Stitch notice that--Oh, I get it now. The entire story up to here was a simulation. Might want to explain this a little better, this took me a few minutes to get it.

They were literally built to fail. Rainbow Dash is crazy.

Crazy Rainbow Dash and failure Scootaloo? This really is Rainbow Factory.

She sounded so calm, for a very unstable mare.

But I thought the attendant removed the knowledge that RD was crazy when Scootaloo said she felt something missing.

“NO! SHE COULD HAVE DONE IT IN REAL LIFE TOO! HE JUST KILLED HER BEFORE SHE COULD! SHE CAN LIVE AGAIN BUT WE JUST NEED TO TRY HARDER! Put her through Scenario. Again and again until one of them… finally… WINS!” She put an emphasis on the last word. Screaming it.

Oh, wow, she's really having some trouble getting over Scootaloo's death. Also, you could put 'wins' in italics to show Rainbow's emphasis on the word and remove, "She put an emphasis on the last word. Screaming it.".

“I said good day, Attendant.” Rainbow repeated.“Yes, Ms. Dash. Good day.” I replied.

I see what you did there.

April 12, Scootloo’s point of view. Initiate real-time reactions, per memory recording of Scootaoo.

Ugh, this line here makes me so depressed. This same Scootabot has been looping through this over and over again for Celestia knows how long. Also, 'Scootaoo'.

I spoke to my finest piece of machinery, the V.A.C. My machine would activate to the sound of your voice, along with a trigger word. I had a set of trigger words for different instructions. My V.A.C., or Voice Activated Computer, could do anything I wanted it to do, with the proper software.

That is a really awesome machine.

Maybe Rainbow and I aren’t so different after all. She wants to win, and I want to create. I’m too proud of my machines. Maybe I will be the downfall of Equestria after all, like my mother told me.

Characterization!

“Would you like me to make any improvements to Scootobot 8167, Attendant 60345?” V.I.C. asked

Do you mean V.A.C.?

My V.A.C. also had predictive auto commands. I didn’t have to state all my ideas, she -it- knew what I wanted.

She's taken the Triple O kritik to heart.

Let’s see how much failure Rainbow Dash can withstand.

This has some key similarities to Rainbow Factory and Pegasus Device. Both Scootaloo's Flight and Rainbow Factory/Pegasus Device involve a a failure Scootaloo, a crazy Rainbow, machines that need to be updated while Rainbow thinks they work just fine, and Rainbow's second in command disliking what they are doing and trying to change things (Dr. Atmosphere and the assistant mare). You shouldn't change anything, though. I just noticed these similarities and thought it was worth sharing.

They’re dead.

Putting these little snippets in here was great, it makes this seem all the creepier.

Thanks for reading

What? Complete?! Complete?! That's it?
SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL!

That was a really, really good story, but because I'm seeing you tomorrow, I'll just tell you the chapter and story review then. I don't really feel like typing it out when I could just tell you verbally.

alai20

alai20 #14 · Jul 19th, 2015 · · · Restart ·

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6219669 You're always so faithful to edit and comment, thanks! I had lots of fun writing this story. Halfway through, I thought,
"Why not kill them all?"

Snowfeather

Snowfeather #15 · Jul 25th, 2015 · · · Restart ·

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6220659
One more thing.

(AN: This is the POV of Attendant 60345.)

This is pretty jarring, and takes the reader away from the story. I think there's enough information for the reader to figure out who's POV this is, but if you don't want to do that, you could just say, "Attendant 60345's POV" in italics and centered.

Same thing with the second time you used it to switch back to Scootaloo. This one works better without any notifying of a switch. Scootaloo's Flight is short enough to where the first paragraph will be familiar and the reader will recognize where it comes from. This also adds to the creepiness and despair of the situation.

I always go back and reread the chapter after you incorporate my edits; I just want to see what you changed. I had a lot of fun editing and I'll always edit any story you write! You're quite welcome. Thank you for writing the story and finishing it.

Dimension Tripper