Daffodils

Everything Dark and Grim1,793 stories ·933 members

After they attacked, most of our food was gone. The celery, the carrots, and the flowers. The flowers. Oh Celestia, not the flowers.

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HalflingPony

HalflingPony #1 · Jan 20th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Well that escalated quickly. :/

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what you're going for with this story.

If you intend it as a tragic story of a mare's loss of hope, then this really needs a bit more substance to it. Such a story of this length might have worked better with one of the Mane 6 where readers already understand their character and have established emotional ties to them. In the case of a background pony like Roseluck, there just isn't any pre-established emotional investment in her and the story itself doesn't spend any time allowing the reader to get to know her better. As a result, I'm left with a reaction of simply "well, that certainly made a mess" rather than any great feeling of a tragedy occurring. On top of that, the vivid description of the gore only serves to distract from such a purpose. It overrides any sort of emotional reaction of "this is a precious life lost" with a stronger, more visceral reaction of "oh God, that's disgusting!"

On the other hand, if your intention was to write a gorefic with its attendant visceral response, one wonders why you spent so little time on the actual gore. Either way, this story really needs to be expanded a bit to work well.

cherished