I know this is not the most liked MLP couple, it’s the most popular and most hated couple after all. Don't ask how that makes sense. Any way I've written Flashlight stories before and none of them looked very good. I have to thank Calm Wind, TorontoFCBrony, and DerpyForever, and many others for giving me the inspiration for this story. Calm Wind gets praise for helping me finally find how to start. TorontoFCBrony gets praise giving me the idea to base the story off of a song. DerpyForever gets praise for making the story in canon with the show. Also give credit to Calm Wind and DerpyForever's editors. I hope you enjoy!
Watch as Flash and Twilight fall in love as everything looks perfect but remember looks can be deceiving.
A looming threat, a mysteriously wise stallion unicorn, Flash emitting strange abilities, Zecora falling in love?!?! WHAT'S HAPPENING?!? Brace yourselves this is going to be interesting..
Story based of the song Shooting Star by Owl City.
Got an editor now so thanks also goes to Rainboom424
Spelling error in your small summery. Right now your mistakes bug me more than Flashlight.
I'm having an hard time reading with the errors you have here. Like;
Among others, but this one was the most jarring.
Fix the basic description ahead of time, or people might just down vote your story simply by just looking at your phrasing.
I agree with the others about the spelling errors...
But I think it's because (no offense if your not) your first language isn't English, but the site rules say that that's what language the stories need to be in.
(note this is before I've read the story going just on the descriptions)
But I'm sure it's not all that bad as long as everyone knows what's meant to be written.
5555629 What's meant to be written isn't a strong enough backing to support bad grammar. Think of an English exam. If your teacher knows what you meant to write, but misspelled words here and there, do you think she'd still mark you down?
Of course she would.
Also, although the whole "English isn't first language" thing can have a chance of being the case, often times, stories with bad grammar just have an author who doesn't know advanced levels of dialogue, structure, and punctuation.
No offense.
Alright, first paragraph, and the grammar problem will be apparent. Also, writing in present tense can at times, be very jarring to readers. Stick to past tense.
Here's an example of what I would write, or what would be correct in present tense:
"As usual, Twilight was sitting home in Ponyville reading a book. Spike was cleaning when he belched and a letter appeared from the fire. Twilight grabbed the letter and proceeded to read it. It said,"
However, there is another big problem with this paragraph. It's boring. Very, very boring. If you've ever heard the phrase that's used a lot on this site, "Show, don't tell", then this is a prime example of "Tell". You give very simple descriptions of what's happening, without more detail, background, and details with interaction.
Here's what I'd write:
It was a calm and relaxing day in Ponyville, and Twilight took every advantage of it by finally getting around to finish reading her next novel, "Daring Do, and the Hunt for the Golden Manticore". While Twilight was delved into her story, Spike was whistling as he swept the floor, shooing the dust that had settled since his last cleaning. Suddenly, Spike gagged, coughed, and sputtered as he felt a letter welling up inside of him. With one large belch, a puff of smoke and green fire formed into a letter, sent from Princess Celestia herself. Twilight, upon hearing a letter being delivered, levitated the scroll towards herself, and unfolded it. It read, "
Also, something else is missing...
Yes! Dialogue! I've noticed that in this scene, at least to my liking, there are too many actions being presented without any characters speaking. I pictured the scene in my head, and it feels very awkward in this situation when nopony speaks.
Think: what did Spike feel like when he felt a letter welling up inside? Surely he would have warned Twilight.
How would Twilight react when she found that the letter was from Celestia. Remember: she still thinks of her as someone far higher than her, even though Twilight, herself, is a Princess.
The sound of the belch is missing?
I'll continue to read and point out more things I find.
"Sparkle" is a last name, or part of a name. therefore considered a proper noun. Capitalise it. Also, in my experiences of writing, "Princess" is a title, therefore capitalized.
Um..."Showed"
"dose". Okay, autocorrect is a wonderful think that God/Jesus/Muhammad/The Budha gace humanity. But DO NOT make it the staple of your grammar. Re-Read your chapter before posting, because even autocorrect can miss quite a few things here and there.
Okay, reading on, I can't point out too many mistakes because one: I hate typing on an iPhone. And two, any other mistakes I find are similar, or the same to the previous. Off to the next chapter.
Wait. If Flash is one of the six Guardians of Harmony, then who are the other 5?
Needs a comma.
"Wrap", not "Rap".
Using curses from the show often gives the fiction a more geniune feel to it. Examples: "Horsefeathers" "Hay" "Flank" or even the most notorious: "Buck"
Oh my god. I don't know whether to laugh at an emotional moment due to a sime mispelling, or to feel terrified about what this actually refers to.
It's...pretty early for that in my taste...
Also, there's a lot of stuttering from the characters. WAY too much stuttering. I feel as if I'm looking at a record that's scratching on a phonntograph instead of a story.
Pinkie is random. I get that. But there was absolutely no provocation, nor any result of when she said this. This price of dialogue comes off a pointless, and makes Pinkie seem stupid, which she isn't.
TAYLOR AND ADAM DON'T EXIST IN EQUESTRIA. Also, Pinkie wouldn't have known about this since she never went to the human world. And the human world is established as a separate dimension to ours.
Four mares. One would never d'aww at a couple. Guess who it is. No seriously. Guess.
Okay. I got done with the second chapter. But there's something very jarring about this story.
I get it's based off of a song, but in all sense, you're advertising it. Stories can be based off of stories without giving direct linking to them. But here the song is practically advertised to us. No one likes these kinds of advertisements, especially about things they don't really care about in the first place.
5555985 Oh you.
*smiles and points finger*
Yeah. That's an easily overlooked, but very crippling mistake. Please fix this.
This doesn't even deserve a full review, you still get a star though.
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Meany?
I like it :D
needs an editor, still good story.
5558404 Thanks ya I really need help with editing.
I'm only 15 turning 16 in February, I have a B+ in basic language arts, and I'm a scientist not a wrighter.
5555985
The other 5 are: Soarin, Big Mac, Cheese Sandwich, Carmela Apple, and I still have yet to decide the last one I'm Thinking Fancy Pants.
Remember this story isn't finished. Also there are at least 7 sequels or more I plan to wright.
You know all this negativity hurts I'm trying my best.
5558439
If you want, I can help you with proofreading, I might not catch everything, but I'm pretty good at seeing mistakes.
5558632
OK I'm not sure how to let others edit my stories but sure.
5558637
I'll either PM you or write down mistakes in the comments so you can fix them, which do you prefer?
there is also a way to let others see unpublished chapters, you put in a unpublished viewing password, and provide a link to the story along with the password.
5558465 And let me guess on who guards who? Flash is Twilight's guardian, Big Mac is Fluttershy's guardian, Cheese is Pinkie's guardian, Soarin is Rainbow's guardian, Carmel is Applejack's gauardian, and the last one (who might be Fancy Pants) is Rarity's guardian.
Don't replace E's with apostrophes, and the as usual in parentheses could be replaced with something more descriptive that is part of the sentence, like "as she usually does at this time."
There is no grammar mistake here, but it is frowned upon in the writing community to use this phrase
1. Capitalize both parts of a name or title
Twilight Sparkle
Princess Cadence
2. More of a curiosity, but why would Celestia choose Twilight's royal guard.
3. Use commas
As a princess, it is important
Flash Sentry, and I agreed
4. more of a personal preference, but I would say going well for you
5. Princess Celestia, Not Cylestia
1. she had read it right
2. believe, not be leave
3. Commas again
company, but this was better
She liked him, but
4. Twilight had a crush om Flash Sentry, has confuses what tense it's in
5. counterpart is one word
6. does, not dose, or better yet replace does for with likes
btw, my earlier comment was just on the first few paragraphs, and you should really use commas, and fix the word fined, it is actually find, in your description.
other mistakes in the description: Note, these words are written in the order I noticed them, not the order in which they appear
I'v: should be I've
any way: should be one word
look'd: should be looked
meany: should be many, unless you meant they are mean
been written: should be either just written, or been writing
story's: should be stories
praise giving: missing a for in between them
Flash emitting strange ability's: 1. emitting should be possessing, 2. abilities, not ability's
self's: should be selves
I'll point out more in the story later, the ones in the description are what make most people down vote before reading.
note, no comma errors were pointed out because they are hard to tell when it should or shouldn't be.
5558702
Yes you are correct.
Another down vote why? Rite after I submit my third chapter why?
Ok, I'm would love to know where this story goes. But THE GRAMMER! THE PUNCTUATION! I mean, I take take stories with 4 or 5 mishaps. But, in this story's case, there's 4+ GRAMMER and punctuation issues in EVERY SENTENCE! I'm not trying to be mean, but you really need to improve your writing. Maybe get someone to edit it for you?
Yeah, because right now, if I continue reading this story, it'll end with everyone who ever read this left with -10 IQ.
5602097
I'v had two people of er to help I can't decide who though. One of them can only point out my mistakes. The other one can make the changes them self but there not a brony and I don't what it to be a problem.
Interesting story. I like how Flash and Twilight will be spending some more time together. Interesting concept with the DHC. Good luck with the next chapter.
5608551
Wow another encouraging comment that puts me at a grand total of I think 1!
Thanks I really was hoping this next chapter would get a positive response.
Why a down vote right after I post a new chapter?
Meany things?
Really good. i can`t stress that enough i loved the story line too it.
You need to work on your spelling...
(kinda hard to work out what you're trying to say)
Do you have an editor? Because, no offense, you're not showing it. It may surprise you, but there are some people who would down vote something due to bad grammar and spelling. Good grammar improves the readability.
5611501
I know I'v bean trying to improve.
I like this chapter I hope u add more when u have the time
Sorry I had to change the tags because this is technically an alternate universe, my characters were wrong, and I plan to add a dark evil feel to the story.
I hope this doesn't anger any one. Also Phoenix in the story is my OC and I plan to type a back story for him in the future.
Man I think my grammar in this comment is really bad I need to work on it and I'm still practicing with Dragon software so it may be a while before it gets better. I'm sooooooooooooo sorry.
Good story hi I'm Ponykun a friend of Rainboom424 I'm here to help you.
First check your capitalization it's off but every thing else is good. Look I know what It feels like writing your first story it's nerve racking just look at mine.
5691628
Hay thanks, and I checked out you first story and it's doing allot better than mine in likes to dislikes ratio.
I have a secret weapon to completely fix the whole Flash Sentry wifu stealing problem for good.
I will post mistakes here
On! sorry I was thinking. I was measuring your energy levels and I noticed something interesting." Umm on?
That's so sweat man...
Also you kinda rushed it you are like me when I started just see New Beginnings: Elementary
This is pretty interesting. Love how this starts off, but I will point out somethings that you probably been told.
First, and I've seen some comments on this, you are a little off on grammar. Not as bad as I thought... mainly because I was thinking of my first story... ah, writing part one, those were the days. Nothing professional, just some good old fashion fun. Good times, good times... wait, I'm doing something.
Second, and I'm only saying this because I've been told this when I started, you're going to get a lot of dislikes for it including Flash Sentry. So don't get discouraged when it seems like a battle ground between likes and dislikes, just keep writing and, with time, you'll be loved.
Third but still second, I'm not telling you what you should or shouldn't write, but don't focus on just these two character's ship. If I hadn't expanded to Pony's Creed, I probably would have quit for all the hate I was getting. So try to getting some variety in it, and who know? It might actually fit this story... like mine did.
Anyways, that's some advice that I'm pretty sure you'll get, if, again, you haven't gotten it yet. So keep writing man, and never give up, and always stay derpy forever, peace out.
5718972
This isn't the only story I'll be doing. There are still another 16 or so more that are all connected. You may not realize it but this is the start of my plan to remove hate from Flash. I can't tell you right now but I can tell you this. I'm the only one to attempt this idea to remove his hate so it will be huge.
5719004 , PLEASE REMOVE HATE FROM FLASH! I SUPPORT YOU! OK, I'm not a crazy flash fan, but he gets way too much hate.
5783080
I know and don't worry I'm going to do the best I can. After I get rid of hate from Flash or at least most of it; I will help remove some of the Scootahate.
5783080
Hay have you checked out my most resent blog post? No one has commented on it and I need people's opinions.
Okay constructive criticism and good things.
*Love your story line, very wonderful in the way you present it with.
*Grammar is getting much better, if I do say so myself.
*Good way of presenting the ship.
Things you can work on
*Bring out more descriptive words (The five senses.)
*This kind of falls into the statement above, make like the weather and times of day more descriptive (Luna's beautiful sparkling mysterious moon floated into the sky replacing the sun that was raised by her faithful sister.)
Good luck and never stop writing!