A Grievous Mistake
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
WAR!
The galaxy is wracked by conflict between the Galactic Republic and the Confederacy of Independent Systems. United under the banner of the charismatic ex-Jedi Count Dooku, countless worlds have declared their secession from the Old Republic and raised an army to bring it down. Against this onslaught stands the newly-formed Grand Army of the Republic and Jedi Knights who lead them. Thousands of star systems are riven by battle between the Republic’s clone army and the droid armies of the Separatists.
At the forefront of the Separatists’ bid for galactic supremacy is the Kaleesh cyborg known only as General Grievous. A powerful warrior as gifted as he is merciless, the Supreme Commander of Droid Army has skillfully led his machines to triumphs on many fronts in these Clone Wars. Driven onwards by his all-consuming loathing for the Republic, and the Jedi Order in particular, Grievous relishes every victory, claiming the lightsabers of every Jedi he slays for trophies.
With the war now raging heavily in the Outer Rim sectors, Grievous prepares for his latest attack against his hated enemies…
The Providence-class carrier/destroyer Invisible Hand floated gently through the vacuum of space like some giant predator. The latest in a long line of Grievous’ flagships, it had been personally commandeered for him from the Trade Federation, an ally of the Separatists. Surrounding it were three mid-sized Munificent-class frigates, a powerful Recusant-class destroyer, and even an enormous converted Lucrehulk-class freighter, now a battleship. All told, the fleet was quite powerful, and more than adequate for task General Grievous had in mind for it.
“Sir,” reported the B-1 battle droid sitting behind a sensor panel on the Invisible Hand’s bridge. “Our sensors are detecting incoming ships in sector 7-B. Estimated distance approximately 70 kilometers on 16 degrees starboard.”
The cyborg general nodded approvingly. It was just as the leaked intelligence said it would be. Give or take a few degrees.
“Scramble all fighters and initiate course correction,” Grievous ordered. “I want our forward guns directly facing the Republic ships when they emerge from hyperspace.”
“Roger roger,” the droid answered, and the great behemoth slowly began to come about to its new heading.
Seventy kilometers was a very short distance in the vastness of space, and certainly far less distance than orthodox military tactics suggested being from ships reverting to realspace. It was all too easy for a simple error in calculations to result in catastrophic collisions between warships. But General Grievous had not earned his reputation or his rank by being unwilling to play fast and loose with the normal rules of war. A coward, some had called him, but he had never hesitated to seize the initiative with unconventional tactics.
Leaked intelligence from within the Republic had reported that Jedi Master Hera Ceidia, a human female responsible for several Separatist reversals in the past few weeks, would be aboard a diplomatic convoy headed towards this worthless backwater of a star system. Nominally allied to the Separatists, the Jedi was there to persuade the planetary government of the benefits of backing the Republic in its struggle against the Confederacy. Or rather, she would have been, had Grievous not already executed the entire planetary leadership to illustrate the consequences of attempted defection. Now the General was determined to add the Jedi’s lightsaber to his collection to cement the lesson to this system and any thinking of traveling the same path. And with the very precise coordinates Count Dooku had provided, this deadly ambush had been made possible.
“Sir! Reversion imminent!” the droid piped up again, in its annoying, squeaky voice.
“All forward cannons, prepare to fire,” the General commanded.
Seconds ticked by as the mechanical crew of the warship scrambled to carry out their leader’s orders.
“Republic cruisers emerging from hyperspace in 3… 2… 1.”
“FIRE!”
Three ships, one a vast dagger-shaped Venator-class Star Destroyer that the transponder identified as Fateful and the other two puny Consular-class escort cruisers, emerged from their hyperspace jump blind, with their shields yet to power up. For a few critical seconds, they were completely exposed. And Grievous’ fleet was virtually on top of them. To call what followed a space battle would be an insult to the term.
The two smaller ships, with little armor and absolutely no warning, were blown to pieces in the opening seconds of the Separatist ambush. The vast salvo of turbolasers and torpedoes blew onwards through their wreckage and smashed into the Star Destroyer. Much larger and with better armor, it avoided being destroyed instantly. Instead, vast holes were blown into its hull, and the majority of its guns were silenced before even having the chance to target the enemy. Most importantly, however, its shield generators were targeted specifically for destruction before they could envelope the ship in their protective fields. By the time the opening barrage ceased, fires were blazing out of control in more than a dozen locations, and much of the ship’s port side was full of holes.
Grievous looked on the burning, crippled Star Destroyer with a malevolent sense of satisfaction, pausing for a moment to enjoy the sight before giving his next orders. Destroying a ship was amusing and occasionally even satisfying, but after all that the Jedi filth had taken from him, after the loss of his honor and his home and his organic body... there really could be only one way to deal with them.
“All droid fighters engage the enemy. Knock out any remaining guns and keep the space clear of enemy fighters and gunships.” He looked away from the seated machines, to the black B-X Commando Droid standing behind his command chair. “Prepare a boarding party. I shall kill the Jedi scum face to face!”
The interior of the Fateful was almost as much a wreck as the outside. Grievous’ boarding transport passed through the opened doors to the dorsal flight deck. Dozens of fighter-craft and gunships sat wrecked and smoking on the deck. Only a third of them had managed to launch, and they were even now being swarmed by the Separatist droid fighters. Among the scrapped ships, Grievous noted with no small satisfaction, was a solitary Delta-7 Aethersprite-class Starfighter undoubtedly had belonged to the ship’s Jedi commander. No others in the Republic military used such difficult, expensive ships.
The hanger bay was littered with the broken remains of droids and few clones who had valiantly attempted to fight back the initial wave of borders. Grievous strode across the remains of his soldiers and those of the enemy without pause or ceremony, following the pathways he knew must lead to the command bridge, and his target. The way would not have been difficult even if he hadn’t completely memorized the standard layout of the Venator class – merely follow the trail of corpses. With commando droids taking the lead and a pair of IG-100 MagnaGuards covering the General’s rear, the latest wave of the boarding party made good time.
The double blast doors leading to the bridge were sealed shut, and surrounded by many wrecked B-1 and B-2 battle droids. A small group of clone troopers, undoubtedly dispatched to hold for as long as they could, stood between Grievous and his true foe.
He nodded at the commando droids. “Kill them.”
They didn’t need telling twice. Blaster bolts, blue and red, flew back and forth as the black machines charged the white-armored troopers with all guns blazing. They jumped acrobatically over and around the clones’ improvised barricade, and were in among them with enormous vibro-knives.
Grievous watched with a vague interest as his droids butchered every last clone trooper. One of their number went down to blaster shot between the eyes, but the others were still standing by the time the short skirmish was done.
“Secure the area,” he directed a squad of ten commandoes. “Ensure no help arrives for our Jedi friend.”
“Roger roger,” the droid in captain’s markings saluted, and the designated unit rushed to do the General’s bidding.
“You two,” Grievous pointed to a pair of the droids he had witnessed kill particularly well. “With me. The rest of you remain here and make certain nothing gets in or out of this bridge.”
“Roger roger,” the droids repeated mindlessly, assuming their assigned stations.
Grievous plucked one of his lightsaber trophies from his midsection, igniting the green blade with a pleasing snap-hiss. Relishing the sensation of impeding vengeance on the order that had so wronged him, he plunged it into the blast door, the plasma blade easily burning through thick durasteel.
“Let’s kill a Jedi.”
Inside the bridge, Jedi Master Hera Ceidia was in the middle of frantic argument with two of her clone bridge officers.
“But sir, navigation’s completely shot, we’ll have no control over where we end up! We could go right into a star or through a black hole! Or end up marooned in cold void to starve to death on our own ship!”
“And do you think falling into Separatist hands will end any better for us? Our self-destruct is already offline. We have no other option! So fire up the engines, lieutenant! That is a direct order!” the aging human retorted, her greying blonde hair seeming to flow behind her in anger.
“Sir, we might at least-”
The clone’s answer was cut off by the sight of a green blade emerging from the blast doors, quickly cutting in a wide circle.
Master Ceidia bared her teeth and dropped into a fighting stance between herself and her remaining officers, her bronze-bladed lightsaber igniting in her hand.
Within seconds, the burning circle in the blast doors was complete, and it fell over with a loud crash of metal on metal.
“Lieutenant, get this ship into hyperspace right now!” Master Ceidia demanded. “We’ll take this monster with us if we have to!”
“Oh, I don’t think that will be happening,” announced a deep, heavily-accented voice no Jedi could fail to recognize as its owner stepped through the hole. General Grievous, the infamous hunter of her kind, had come.
“Hera Ceidia, isn’t it?” he asked, taking a step forward. “I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.”
The Jedi Master got the distinct impression that behind his mask, the cyborg was smiling.
“Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” Grievous’ laughter barked out, and he threw his arms wide.
Above the bone-white cyborg flipped a pair of commando droids. Around his sides came two MagnaGuards, elctrostaffs twirling menacingly. As one, the droids charged the Jedi Master.
Immediately, her lightsaber flew up to deflect a barrage of red blaster bolts from the commandos. Over a dozen bolts she sent flying in all directions. But her distraction allowed the MagnaGuards to close the distance, and they swung their dual-ended electrostaffs at her in synchronized assault patterns. One to her right, one to her left, with the commandoes hanging back and firing into the melee when they saw the opportunity. Master Ceidia was already hard-pressed, and Grievous himself hadn’t even entered the fight.
She settled into the invaluable defensive patterns of the standard lightsaber Form III, Soresu, catching each bolt or swing as it came, deflecting them to one side or another. She was no master of the form, as Master Obi Wan was, but she was practiced enough. The Force guided her to intercept each blow before it could land, her arms moving with supernatural speed. Her initial difficulty leveled out into calm acceptance as she allowed the tranquility of the light side to fill her. Several seconds in, the combatants were at stalemate, but the Jedi Master needed only an opportunity.
And then she got one.
The blaster bolt of a commando droid, aimed at her chest, she caught on the edge of her lightsaber blade and redirected it directly into a MagnaGuard’s face. The droid staggered back, its systems scrambling to readjust itself. Master Ceidia ducked underneath the uppercut swing of the other MagnaGuard and swung her lightsaber to cut the first one in half. Deflecting two more shots from the commando droids, she used the Force to hurl the remains of the droid directly into one of the commandos at high speed, bowling it over and smashing it into one of the walls.
Faster than should have been possible for a human her age, the Jedi Master flipped over the head of the second MagnaGuard and thrust her blade at its back. It spun around and caught the swing just in time, but it had lost its momentum. Master Ceidia took the offensive against the droid with a precise series of jabs and thrusts from the elegant, one-handed, dueling-centric Form II, Makashi, keeping the machine off-balance. The remaining commando droid drew its vibro-knife and leaped in behind her. She ducked beneath a simultaneous knife swing at the back of her neck and staff thrust towards her heart. A Force nudge propelled the MagnaGuard further forward than it intended, and its electrostaff jabbed the commando droid in the chest, shorting it out with a lethal dose of electricity.
And then Grievous went in.
One moment, he was standing there with both arms folded behind his back, simply observing the ebb and flow of the combat. The next, he exploded into motion, two arms splitting into four, each holding a stolen blue or green lightsaber. Simultaneously, he bounded forward on his clawed feet, all four hands spinning their lightsabers impossibly fast: a virtual tornado of blades.
Master Ceidia flung herself hurriedly backwards to avoid the cyborg general’s initial charge, which placed him between her and the MagnaGuard. Despite his great weight and momentum, Grievous turned on a dime to face her. His four arms rained down lightsaber blows at speeds far in excess of what a mere organic could accomplish. His blades spun, slashed, stabbed, and swiped at seeming random, giving the Jedi no chance to recover between strikes. Foot by foot the general forced her backwards, until she was virtually pinned against the wall. Her Soresu kept her alive, the living Force giving just enough warning of where the blades would fall to allow her to dodge or block. But she had no chance the offensive, and worse, the cyborg would take far longer to tire than a middle-aged human woman.
The MagnaGuard prowled the edges of the duel, looking for an opportunity to dart in and deliver a blow. But the lightsabers were moving so quickly that even the advanced combat programming of the droid could not pinpoint any opportunity to strike its enemy without hitting its master. For almost half a minute the frantic duel continued, General Grievous struggling to land a hit on the Jedi Master, she striving merely to hold him off long enough.
Then, without warning, Grievous spun around, abandoning the duel. With as much speed as his legs could generate, he charged the clone officers, still seated at their consoles and frantically trying to bring the ship’s engines to working status. Calling on the Force, Master Ceidia jumped though the after him, trying to interpose herself. Her maneuver came too late to save the closest clone, whom Grievous killed with a single cut across the chest.
“Hold your posts!” the Jedi cried as she once again became the target of the withering rain of lightsaber blows. “Get this ship into hyperspace or we all die for nothing!”
“You’re all going to die for nothing either way, Jedi filth,” Grievous spat, redoubling his efforts to break Master Ceidia’s defenses.
Randomly, he swung at clones, forcing the Jedi to ignore her own protection to save them. Master Ceidia caught a particularly powerful double-handed overhead blow aimed at a clone with her lightsaber. Grievous pressed down hard, and the three blades were locked together in a contest of strength. That gave the MagnaGuard all the opportunity that it needed.
Master Ceidia let out an involuntary shriek of pain when an electrostaff jabbed her in the back, unleashing thousands of amps of electricity across her body. Her nervous system spasming uncontrollably from the sudden input, she had no way of stopping the other two of Grievous’ blades from descending in a wide arc.
And slicing both her legs off.
Jedi Master Hera Ceidia’s face contorted with mute agony as she felt her limbs being burned through the dual plasma blades. Her hands released her lightsaber as she crumpled, its bronze blade flickering out without the continued pressure of her grip on it. She hit the floor hard, but her body was in such shock that she barely felt it. With all the desperation of a drowning man, she clutched for the Force.
Grievous wasted little time. As soon as the Jedi Master went down, he and his remaining MagnaGuard descended on the bridge crew with all the fury of a hurricane. Fully armored, veteran clone troopers were no match for him, still less those in mere cloth uniforms who had rarely seen ground combat. They scrambled desperately to put space between themselves and the cyborg, a handful of them even managing to snap off some blaster shots. It did them no good – Grievous’ armor was far too strong for blasters.
The very last clone Grievous dragged by his neck over to where the fallen Jedi lay. Hoisting him up to give Master Ceidia the “best” view, he impaled the clone right through the heart before tossing the still-twitching corpse aside. She reached out almost pleadingly for her lightsaber, but Grievous scooped it up in a clawed hand first. Next, he reached down and grabbed the Jedi by her own thin neck, lifting her high enough that their faces were level.
“Jedi fool!” General Grievous mocked. “Your sacrifice was for nothing! Ha ha ha ha ha!”
She stared directly into his eyes, despite the unimaginable pain she was enduring. “Not…” she wheezed. “Nothing….”
Two fingers of her right hand managed a small gesture.
“Huh?” Grievous’ followed the direction her hand had seemed to indicate.
At the end of the trail was a control console. A control console with a single depressed button.
Around the pair came the unmistakable sound of engines whining in preparation for something big. And then the Star Destroyer Fateful shot into hyperspace, without guidance or destination, taking the Supreme Commander of the Droid Army with it to parts unknown.
Grievous growled angrily, fixing his eyes on the helpless Jedi Master once more. “You’re going to die for that,” he spat.
A ghost of a smile twitched in the corner of Master Ceidia’s mouth. “There is no death…” she managed. “There is… only… the Force.”
“I think you will find,” Grievous pressed the deactivated hilt of her lightsaber up against her sternum. “That death,” he fingered the activation button. “Is quite real.”
General Grievous pressed the button. A bronze blade shot out of the hilt, impaling Jedi Master Hera Ceidia directly through her heart. Her body twitched once in a death spasm, and then was still.
Grievous tossed her carcass aside, adding her saber to the ones already magnetically attached to his waist. His eyes looked around the ruined bridge, his keen mind racing. He had his victory, even if it had become sour. Now he had to figure out how to stop this thing.
Many light-years away from the tumultuous events unfurling in the vacuum of space, a certain lavender alicorn princess by the name of Twilight Sparkle was peering up through her telescope. The night, as she had requested from the Cloudsdale weather team, was clear and crisp, without a single cloud to mar her view of the stars. The view from atop her recently-obtained crystal palace was excellent, and she was very pleased to note that the amount of time it took her to observe and record each individual section of the sky had decreased by a whole 1.6%!
The stars were beautiful on that night, and she could clearly make out several of the major constellations without even the aid of her personalized telescope. Not that that prevented her from using it at every opportunity, of course. As with many fields of science, Twilight found astronomy to be a truly fascinating subject that was sadly often underrated. Princess Luna, at the very least, had been very pleased with Twilight most recent choice of study.
Sadly, the same could not be said for her dragon assistant, Spike. He was with her on her high viewing platform, true, but he was also curled up on a beanbag chair and reading a comic book. Like most ponies, he clearly lacked adequate appreciation for the fascinating science that was the study of the night sky.
“Hey, Twilight,” he removed his face from the comic without warning. “Do you think there are aliens out there?”
“Aliens? Pffft.” Twilight snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous! Such notions are mere folk superstition invented to explain certain strange anomalies we simply haven’t fully unraveled yet!”
“You live on a world where the sun and moon are driven by two ponies. You’ve fought against the reality-bending spirit of chaos, been to another dimension inhabited by weird two-legged creatures twice, and weaponized friendship into a badguy-blasting rainbow laser cannon, and you don’t believe in aliens?” Spike deadpanned.
“Of course not!” Twilight scoffed. “Science has never unearthed any convincing evidence of life coming into existence on other planets, and until such time as it does we must assume that it has not!”
“You mean besides the other planet filled with weird alternate us?”
“That’s completely different!” Twilight exclaimed, finally looking away from her telescope. “Where are you getting such ridiculous notions from, anyway?”
Spike held open his comic book for her to see. Inside was a full page drawing of gigantic flying saucer, piloted by bug-eyed green pony-things, abducting dozens of screaming ponies from a desolate desert landscape. Twilight flipped through the next several pages, showing ponies being viciously experimented on and mutated into weird, unnameable things by bizarre tools on the end of long, metal arms. The ending showed the same tools descending upon the main protagonist, who was helplessly strapped to table and crying out with all his might.
“Where did you even get a comic like this?” Twilight complained. “This is far too intense for a dragon of your age! You’ll get nightmares!”
“Well… uh… heh heh…” Spike coughed nervously. Then he pointed. “Hey, look! An alien!”
Twilight rolled her eyes, but obligingly turned around anyway. Surprise surprise, there was nothing there. And when she turned around again, Spike was gone and the door was partially open.
“Aliens, hmmph!” she snorted again, placing the confiscated comic on her table beside her research notes. “What a bunch of ridiculous nonsense!”
Twilight peered back through the telescope, carefully studying the constellation dubbed Auroros Major. For several minutes she looked back and forth from the sky to her notes, the conversation with Spike slowing fading from her thoughts as she immersed herself in the glories of astronomy.
Then, without warning, the vision of her telescope was filled a view of pitted, blackened metal. Startled, Twilight took her eye out, dialed back the magnification, and looked again. A vast, grey, triangular thing was flying through the blackness of space. It hull was made of a dull grey metal interspersed with charred holes and a long red stripe down the center. The apparent rear featured numerous large cylinders that glowed a bright blue at the end.
As Twilight watched, the object flew through space at a very rapid pace, heading for… Twilight swung her telescope around to look.
“The moon,” she breathed. “It’s headed straight towards the moon.”
At her estimate, the mysterious thing would crash onto the dark side of the planet’s moon unless it changed course within the next few seconds.
It didn’t.
The gigantic flying object was on the verge of disappearing from Twilight’s sight behind the moon when she noticed several small flashes along its side. Increasing her magnification, she noted several smaller objects detaching themselves from the sides and hurdling towards…
Twilight did a few quick calculations in her head. Her eyes widened.
“Spike!” she called inside. “Can you get me my field kit please? I think I’m about to go out!”
“Huh?” came the response from wherever the small dragon was hiding. “At this time of night? What for?”
“Aliens.”
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the shit-storm cometh
REBEL SCUM!!! Whoops...wrong timeline.
DIE JEDI DOGS!!!
I will be paying VERY close attention to you.
Yes.... YES! AHAHAHA!
This is fantastic,
I love it! Fantastic job. Find an editor to fix minor grammatical errors.
And then -
Trololol
5503094
if you plan on having that kind of intro to your story, you will need this:
or this:
Holy dooley, this is well written. As for how it all goes down,
666 Views.
General Grievous story...
"The story is great with this one."
I personally will read it to the end.
Oh hey a new drinking game! Take a shot every time being stabbed in the heart is mentioned.
Up voted for concept.
Stayed for beautiful starship destroying action.
*Dime
Ok.
First thing. Star wars. General Grevious.
Oh Boy XD.
I am expecting a lot of evil laguhter and Gervious not really caring about many things. Twilight saying Aliens aren't reall and then a couple minutes later she says she has to go and see Aliens -_-.
Typical Twilight.
Anyways. Good start. I am expecting that if you put in any past flashbacks on this story that we see Anakin or Obi-Wan. Cause that will make this story twice as much good :).
But good start either way.
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You told me to comment, so comment I did.
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And that was my advice. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
But seriously I like Grievous fics, they are awesome.
Aliens, this time...it's war...
Read it inthe battle droid voice.
So I saw this in the feature box and—if I'm going to be perfectly honest—couldn't imagine a way to make this premise into a very interesting story. But I tend to dislike having that reaction. Sometimes, an author can take an iffy premise and turn it into a wonderful piece of work. So I figured I'd at least give this a try.
My reaction to the premise aside, what jumps out at me in the first few (post-title-scroll) paragraphs is the amount of exposition being thrown at the reader. Paragraphs 2-4, the three with dialogue, are pretty decent. There are a couple spots where the dialogue doesn't feel as natural as I'd like—the B-1 droid's location description and Grievous's course correction comment in particular—but I don't feel like either is cause for too much worry here. You're obviously still getting your footing as a writer, and I suspect your time would be better spent worrying about overall structure than dialogue details. (The "Roger roger" is as irritating here as in the movies, but you're hardly responsible for problems George Lucas created.)
Paragraphs 1, 5, and 6 are a real barrier to entry, though. They're full up with irrelevant detail, name-dropping, internal monologue, and exposition. I'd suggest trying to focus your writing more on the details that are relevant to a reader going through a particular scene, and then trying to present those details as actively as possible. For example, we don't really need to know the class names for the ships in Grievous's force, and details about them would be more natural if they came, for example, in a description of the force's reaction to Grievous's repositioning order. Instead of purely relying on exposition and dialogue, you could do some scene-setting by showing us the repositioning process through Grievous's
eyesoptical sensors. Similarly, details about the Jedi Grievous is looking to kill or capture would be easier to digest if they were delivered in dialogue or narrative, rather than just being explained to the reader in the sixth paragraph.In any case, like I said, those first six paragraphs are a pretty tremendous barrier to entry for me. I'm restricting my comments to them because I gave up at the end of them. You may or may not have an interesting story about Grievous in Equestria here (though I'm still confounded about what would make that premise interesting), but unfortunately the first few paragraphs are going to keep me from finding out. Hopefully, this gives you some ideas for how to make your writing more accessible in the future, though. You don't have to take my suggestions, of course, but I always hate to downvote unless I can help authors get some sense of what they can do to improve their stories.
My biggest critique so far:
And why would Spike find any of this strange? He has nothing to judge it against, only WE do.
Dear Snake Staff.
Welp, like a bunch of other readers, I saw this puppy on the second spot of the featured box and put a nice "read later" tag on it. Now before I start I have to say that General Grievous holds a special place in my heart. He's one of those villains who I just love to see win ( I think everyone has at least one or two of those). So I go into this with high hopes. And I can happily say that so far, I'm impressed. You've got Grievous down to a key to the point where I'm reading his lines in his voice, and the explanation as to how the heck he even got to Equestria is pretty sound. So far, So, so far so good. here's going into chapter two.
Sincerely Yours, The Cake Devil.
P.S. Apart from a few grammatical errors. You name our Jedi Hera Ceidia and then call her Her Ceidia a few paragraphs down. An error that I would have missed if I hadn't attempted to Wookipedia her not a few moments earlier.
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Says the magical talking unicorn.
Also, a true scientist knows that aliens existing is more likely than not given a nunber of factors. At least microbial life is practically guaranteed to exist somewhere else given trillion trillion stars out there.
this is really good. I love it so far
I'm sorry for nitpicking but the correct term is vibroblade
I think my erection just entered orbit.
5529273 That's terribly irresponsible. You should never let your erection travel more than 15 feet away from you. They'll hide in any nook or cranny that they can find the second your eye is turned away, and then you'll never see your erection again!
The Old Republic isn't called that while it's still a thing. Which it is in this story.
Obi-Wan Kenobi's name is hyphenated.
Other than that, I found it liking as a Star Wars geek. So I'm off to the next chapter.
Very nice start. Your depiction of Grievous is very true to character. I am a really big Star Wars fan. I have all six movies on blue-ray and am almost done with the entire Clone Wars series. Now we can only pray Grievous doesn't start a horn collection.
I am definitely intrigued by this beginning! I didn't find any grammar errors, and I'm not far enough to comment on the story yet. Anyways, I look forward to reading more! Keep up the good work, Snake Staff.
Now all it needs is a space background with the words scrolling up is yellow, bold letters.
5580679 ' Yes horns will satisfy my collection ahahahah * cough * * cough * '.
Looks like Twilight stands corrected!
I was unaware there was a prequel to the other story... but then again the opening sorta told me that, Damn it.
Nicely done!
Heheh, Twi, you got proven wrong :D
Not aliens, droids!
First chapter and I know that this story is going to be freaking awsome. Normally I would simply pass over any story with a crossover tag on it, but I'm making an exception that I don't believe I'll regret.
Hey there,
A while back you asked me to give your story a read and give you some feedback (you may or may not remember doing so); it's been some time since then and I'm sorry for taking so long -I haven't been able to dedicate much time to reading recently- but here I am now.
My first impression, you did very well overall. On the technical side, you're pretty much perfect, though there are a couple of things that, while not wrong, are worth addressing. Firstly, as I saw at least one other person point out, you drop a lot of specific Star Wars jargon on us very quickly, which definitely can be a deterrent for people who are unfamiliar with what those terms correlate to. I personally am not fully knowledgeable on all of the starfighter classes and found you listing, like, six of them in a row to be very dull. Same thing with the lightsaber forms. You should obviously assume your readers have some familiarity with the source materials, but I'd advise not requiring readers to be familiar with anything not present in the films going into the reading (in other words, explain any extended universe stuff that comes up as it appears). It makes it easier to read for those that are unfamiliar.
Secondly, I noticed that three times in this chapter you had one-line paragraphs all saying "And then this thing happened". For example:
"...but the Jedi master needed an opportunity.
And then she got one.
The blaster bolt of a commando droid..."
This is a totally valid and exciting way to move action forward, but its effects diminish the more you use it. Three times in rather quick succession verges on a bit much. I do hope that this is used more sparingly in future chapters.
But yeah, other than those 2 nitpicks, your story is quite great so far -leagues better than mine for sure- and it makes me sad that I don't have the time to read more right now. If anything else stands out to me as I read through this, I'll make sure to point them out to you.
Keep being awesome,
Lego
Oh... my... gosh... I'm about to read one of the most epic fics ever, aren't I?
This is going tobesoawesome!!!!
Weaponising friendship... that sounds pretty accurate of how Equestrians solve all their problems.
I have two comments to make: First, I'm impressed with the amount of realism you're presenting with this story. I just gets cliched over time when a character from another story always makes it to Ponyville one way or another. The fact that they're heading towards the Moon of all places just builds up the suspense factor and makes things seem a lot more original. So good job!
And secondly, those battle scenes make me want to watch the Clone Wars. Grievous sounds like a pretty cool character to follow. Personally I'm highly tempted to get onto Netflix and watch the series tonight!
Twilight doesn't believe in aliens... I can make a bad joke but I won't.
I am convinced.
Let us see what occurs next.
had been very pleased with Twilight most recent choice of study
1. Twilight's.
Well I guess it’s good to know that Twilight is just as shitty a scientist here as she is in the show.
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Not a shitty scientist.. it took years for scientists to finally accept that it is highly improbable for our planet to be the only with life on it, and even then there are still many of them that say aliens don't exist. And with more and more of them finally thinking on the grander scale of Ice worlds and creatures that can live in environments previously though uninhabitable along with the discovery of bacteria that can live in acid, welp, that just made the chances of our world being the only with life even smaller than it already was, how would a pony on a planet where people have relegated their own actual history to legend be able to even comprehend the idea that life on one planet only is scientifically improbable to the point of being near impossible.
I normally don't comment on the first chapter of a finished story, as I like to give my comments on the whole thing. However, as an avid fan of Star Wars, and someone who watched all The Clone Wars cartoon, I have to say that this,
This was so, so VERY true to character that I went to google to make sure he hadn't said it in the cartoon. This line shows me you know his character, and already are playing its role masterfully. I look forward to the rest of the story.
Lol she got schooled by SPIKE.
This story will make a fine addition to my collection...