"DADDY!"
Diamond Tiara screamed throughout the halls looking for her father. "DAAADDDDY!" she goes from room to room stomping in frustration shaking the hallway. "DDDDDAAAADDDYYYYYYY!" walking up the double doors of her father's study room, she gently knocks three times and waits for an answer.
"Enter."
Slamming the doors wide open, she walks into her father's study room. "Ahem, daddy."
Mr. Rich sits in his chair reading the morning newspaper with a cup of coffee on the table. "What do you want princess?"
"Daddy, can I have some money please?" she said batting her eyes.
Mr. Rich doesn't even put down the newspaper to look at his daughter trying to butter him up. "What happened to the allowance I gave you yesterday?"
"I spent it of course," she said sitting down it one of the chairs. "Me and Silver Spoon went out for a night on the town before she left Ponyville."
Mr. Rich continues to read the paper still not looking at his daughter. He just sits in his chair before sighing. "How much do you want sweetheart?"
"Oh, just a measly 200 bits." she replied putting on a smile.
Mr. Rich reaches into his desk pulls out a bag and sits it on the top. Diamond grabs the bag and makes her way to the door bouncing happily. "Thank you Daddy!" she shuts the door leaving her father alone in his study.
Two Days Later
"DADDY!"
Mr. Rich puts his cup back on the saucer. "Yes? What is it Princess?"
"Daddy, can I have some money?"
"What happened to the 200 bits I gave you two days ago?"
"I went shopping and bought some new clothes," Diamond replied. "A cute filly like me has to always look her best!"
Mr. Rich pick up his morning newspaper and begins to read it. "So how much do you need this time?" Diamond puts her hooves together smiling.
"Oh, just 450 bits, nothing major."
Mr. Rich almost spits the coffee from his mouth. "450 bits?! Why do you need that much money for?!"
"Well, you know that my 16th birthday is coming up right? Well, I want to throw a celebration for it and rent out Sugarcube Corner."
"Why cant you just have it here?!" he said exasperated. "I'm sorry Diamond, but 450 bits is outta the question!"
"Please daddy!" Diamond replied sporting her best sad face.Sniff"But I need it!"
"No."
"Please!"
"No!"
"Pwretty please?"
"No!"
"Pwretty please with a cherry on top?"
Mr. Rich slams his paper on the desk. "No means NO Diamond! I'm NOT giving you 450 bits to rent out Sugarcube Corner for your birthday party and that is final! Now, either you can have your party here or not have a party at all! The choice is yours."
The pink filly stomps on the floor angrily. "Fine! I'll have my stupid sweet 16th here!" she leaves the room in a huff slamming the doors on her way out.
Mr. Rich rubs his temples. Dealing with Diamond was always headache inducing and today was no different, but at least it couldn't get any worse, right?"
Meanwhile in another world with bipedal creatures. A 15 year old Diamond Tiara steps into her father office in tears. "DADDY!" Mr. Rich quickly puts down his newspaper and rushes to his daughter.
"WHAT'S WRONG SWEETHEART?! ARE YOU OK?!"
"DADDY I'M BLEEDING!" she wailed.
Mr. Rich looks his daughter over but couldn't find any signs of blood. "Sweetie, you're not bleeding anywhere."
"YES I AM!" she cried.
"But where?" he asked.
"Down there."
Now Mr. Rich was confused. "Down where?"
"Ya know," she replied looking down. "Down there."
Mr. Rich stares blankly for a few seconds before his eyes widen in realization. "Oh."
"Daddy," Diamond said wiping a few tears away. "I'm I gonna die?"
But something needed to be done about Diamond. Mr. Rich taps his hoof on his desk. "The nerve of that girl! She doesn't know just how good she has it. Why when I was her age I was busy working two jobs to support myself and my father!" Filthy Rich held his head up. He had a most wonderful idea. "That's it!"
The Day After Diamond Tiara's Sweet Sixteen or Three Days Later
Diamond Tiara slept peacefully in her bed without a care in the world. "Haha Button stop! That tickles!" she turns over in her bed giggling like a horny schoolgirl. "Sweetie Belle! Don't help him!" she turns over again falling off the edge of the bed landing on the floor with a thud. "Ow."
Once she gotten up, she fixed up her room and taken a cold shower, then headed downstairs where her father waited. "Good morning Diamond." he said smiling at his daughter.
"Morning daddy." she replied taking a seat where her breakfast waited.
"Diamond, I've been thinking, now that you're sixteen years old I think it time that you started learning to be self-sufficient and earning your keep around here."
"Uh-Huh."
"Diamond, I think its time you got a job."
The pink filly spits out the orange juice she was currently drinking. "WHAT?! A JOB!?"
"Yes Diamond," her father replied nodding his head. "A job. As in working to earn your own money."
"But! But!"
"No buts Diamond," Mr. Rich replied shaking his head. "My mind is made up, you're getting a job or joining the Royal Guard, your choice."
Diamond took a deep breath and gave her answer.
"Come now Diamond!" Mr. Rich grunted trying to pull the pink filly inside Barnyard Bargains. "Having a job isn't all that bad, it builds character, look at me! I went from nopony to somepony and you can do the same!"
Diamond just held on to the entrance like her life depended on it. "Now stop this right now young lady!" he pulls with all his might causing Diamond to lose her grip on the door. "Now, in order to build experience you'll be working in the fruits of my blood, sweat and tears! Barnyard Bargains!"
"But I don't wanna!" she whined.
"Well you're gonna!" he pulls Diamond by the tail dragging her into the back. "Now stop all this Diamond! You're not a little filly anymore; you are a grown mare now! It's time to act like one!" he stops in front of a certain door that made Diamond's blood run cold. "Now you'll be learning from one of my best workers."
"NO! DADDY! PLEASE NO! ANYPONY BUT HIM!"
But her words fell on deaf ears as her father opened the door with a smile. "Button Mash my boy!" the brown earth pony known as Button Mash looked up from his paperwork and greeted Mr. Rich with a smile.
"Good afternoon Mr. Rich!" he said walking to him shaking his hoof, he notices Diamond Tiara hiding right behind her father shaking. "Good afternoon, Diamond. So what can I do for you two today?"
Filthy Rich places Diamond on one of the chairs in the room. "I know you're a very busy pony my boy so I'll keep this brief. Diamond here is joining the Barnyard Bargains team."
"Oh really?" he said. Diamond didn't like the way he was looking at her, it was almost like he was laughing at her. "Well then, let me be the first to welcome you the team Diamond."
"Now my boy just because she's my daughter doesn't mean that she gets special treatment," Mr. Rich added look over towards the pink filly. "She starts off at the bottom and will work her way to the top, just like you did."
Button rubs the back of his head embarrassed.
"Now my boy don't let her female charms cast a spell on you, she will use every trick she can to have things go her way, I was young once but you must be strong my boy."
"Don't worry Mr. Rich," Button said looking at Diamond who was covering her face. "Me and Diamond here are well acquainted with each other, her charms won't work on me."
Satisfied with that answer, Mr. Rich heads to the door. "Good lad, well I guess I'll leave you to it then. See you when your shift ends Diamond, make me proud!" he leaves the room shutting the door behind him.
Diamond looks at Button who walked back over to his desk. "Well, well, well, isn't this interesting," he said grabbing a piece of paper. "You get two 15 minute breaks, an hour for lunch, and your pay is 9.50 an hour and your shift begins at 9:30am and ends at 5:30pm."
"Y-you're not really going make me work are you?" Diamond said glaring at him. "Cause I swear if you do I'm NEVER sleeping with you again!"
"Somehow, I doubt that," Button chuckled. "Come on, lets get you started."
6:00 pm
Diamond opens the door to her home completely exhausted. Her mane and coat was a mess and her eyes were red and heavy. Never in her life has she worked so hard or moved so much. Her hooves ached with every step she took and all she wanted to do was lay down.
She didn't eat dinner and didn't even take a bath or brushed her teeth; all she did was go in her room, collapsed on her bed and fell asleep, dirty from today's work.
And it wasn't even a full day.
Diamond Tiara gets a WHAT!?
*imagines what Diamond's first job might be like*
That glimpse into the bipedal world... that's a nightmare situation for any single dad I'd imagine. xD
Oh god. I'm loving this. And it's just the first chapter. xD
This story got 300% cuter.
*finishes reading*
This was too much fun for one chapter. *head ass-plodes*
I think I'd rather deal with pony Diamond.
This is a very interesting story, but there are some things you may want to edit. The most noticeable being the lack of question marks, for example:
I'd recommend put question marks in before the exclamation points.
I think it would be better if Diamond Tiara "sniff" was a separate thing before the quotation marks, otherwise it seems like she's saying "Sniff" out loud.
Again, I would put question marks before the exclamation points.
I highly suggest replacing that "and" with a comma.
That should "you're".
First, that comma should be a semi-colon. And second, That should be "It's".
For both of these, I'd suggest putting a comma after Filthy Rich says, "Now my boy".
That should be "won't"
That should be "you're", and I suggest adding a comma after "work".
First, that comma should be a semi-colon. Second, that "and" should be a comma. And third, there should be a comma after "asleep". I look forward to reading what happens next.
5508712 Fixed. Thank you for pointing those out.
5508867 You're welcome. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
5508867 Oh, just realised another thing we both missed.
There should be an "I" after "can", and this sentence should end with a question mark.
5508712 Allow me to nitpick the nitpicks you missed in your nitpicks:
had gotten
Both
of thosethe second and third commas are incorrect and should be periods, or semicolons or colons or whatever.Also, I'd recommend commas preceding as well as following the insertions of "my boy", though I believe they are optional.
brush
fall
Also, the "and" between "go in her room" and "collapse on her bed" should be a comma like the other example that you suggested the change to.
I would personally add a comma after "bed", but that is an issue of style. Even though my style is right
5509176 Collapse is actually grammatically correct. Humans FALL. She's not anthro in this story. Unless she falls on her side... She collapsed onto her bed. Her legs giving out from all the exhaustion. She's a quadruped not bipedal. Not to mention in the context it just sounds better then fall, gives more weight to how she feels, driving home the exhaustion we were told about.
5508901 I actually believe that one is more casual speak; How Diamond talks. I'd argue to leave it as is for the purpose of accent/mannerism; flavor. Only add a ' before "have" (i.e. 'have).
We have now learned why The Guard is so ineffectual and how Shining Armor managed to shimmy his way up the totem pole so quickly: it is because they are otherwise staffed entirely with whiny spoiled brats.
5509591 You misunderstand. Both "collapse" and "fall" (as in "fall asleep") occur in that sentence, as separate events. My relevant corrections were as follows:
1. "Fell" should be "fall", in keeping with "go in her room" (not went) and "collapse" (not collapsed), since the past tense is taken care of by "all she did was..."
2. The three things she did are presented in list form, ungrammatically, thus: A and B and C. It should be A, B, and C, or, if you're dumb, A, B and C.
5509840 Ah. Heh, I saw "fall" on your list there and somehow thought you meant to say he needed to replace collapse.
troll.me/images/idiot-gaston/dafuq-did-i-just-read.jpg
Also: 9.50 an hour? I'd kill for store pay like that at the bottom rung.
5508557 You and I both
5509840 Actually, leaving off the Oxford coma is grammatically correct albeit confusing.
5511202 Yes, I indicated that with the earlier comment "that is an issue of style. Even though my style is right ", and subsequently continued the joke by labeling the non-Oxford-comma version a "dumb" option (as opposed to not an option at all, which would be the case if it were incorrect).
would have been nice to see what she actually did for her first job, I understand that you had to set up the story, but that could have been the first chapter, while her actual shift (and any subsequent mishaps) could happen in the next. You should probably think about getting an editor, and it would do you some good to make the characters seem less one note
5511648 Eh, I hadn't seen your earlier comment. I do prefer the use of the oxford comma though:2fm9xz2drvqemrbu.zippykid.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/oxford-comma-tebow.jpg
5508557
I'd say human Diamond lucked out to some degree (relative to her peers). Fifteen is later than most girls start their periods.
I'm not sure If the interaction between Diamond and Button was how it sounded, or an intentionally misleading innuendo.
this is going to be good. *favorites*
Also, I couldn't help hearing this constantly every time Rich talked to Button.
[youtube=gDeBXhZRZfU]
5554776 You are the ONLY person who got that reference. You Win.
5554871
For some reason I kept thinking that Rich's face turned into the King of Hyrule from those accursed Zelda CDI games when ever he said my boy.
...Also, the split to the Human world DT was oh so enjoyable.
This story needs an editor. Kinda badly.
Okay, first: present tense or past tense - pick one and go with it. Second, little errors like this: "I'm I gonna die?"
What was the scene with human Diamond for anyway? It has nothing to do with the story and that's not even mentioning that she's 15 and has never had her period? That's unbelievably late and I'm pretty sure by that time she would have noticed.
You have an amusing idea and it even has potential, but I'd definitely recommend getting a 2nd set of eyes on it.
9:50 an hour? Is that Equestria's minimum wage? I need to go there.
... Um, sorry to ask, but this your first fic? Cause just this opening is way to rushed and all over the place. I love this idea, but might i recommended you look up a fic 'Despicable Blue' where this situation happens to prince blueblood?
...Okay, what the **** was that dream?
7234559
Tickle fight