• Published 25th Jan 2015
  • 957 Views, 51 Comments

Blackadder of Equestria - Doctor Parker



Lord Blackadder has it all going for him: He's cunning, he's charming, and ambitious. Sadly for him, in a country that revolves around the whims of lunatics, that doesn't help a bit.

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Prologue

Dedicated to Sir Barton, and to all who have given me cunning plans and support for this endeavor.

History has known many great liars...Starswirl the Bearded IV, who could never grow a full-length beard; Gobbles, a turkey who created propaganda for Rudolf Bitler; St. Ralph the Liar, who was known to attempt to pass himself as other Saints merely to show how good a liar he was (and St. Ralph is the patron saint of gamblers and children who go on forums without their parents' permission)....but none were quite so vile as Princess Celestia, for it was she who re-wrote history to generate a a web of deceit to prevent disaster befalling Equestria, which sadly only happened because the truth never came out. What little she allowed to slip made her wicked sister Luna look far better than she really was, a change Celestia made out of sheer guilt of tossing her sister into the moon for being a snotty tyrant, and out of hopes that detailing the truth would prevent disaster. The future only proved her to be horribly mistaken. Again, Celestia also claimed that our hero's ancestor, Edmundo, also known as "El Víboro Negro", was a respectable stallion, whilst leaving out important details such as how he was also the same pony as King Sombra. Again, this was a change she hoped would prevent any future disaster. Again, she was wrong. Because of her severe miscalculations, it is up to us to tell the truth:

Long ago, there was a successful conquerer who made a lasting impact all over Equestria. He was a fearsome warrior, a great poet, and a mad lover. He was admired by all, even his enemies. As one who was obsessed with the battlefield, he died a violent death, as many warriors do, but he was well-respected long after his death, due to his vision and talent...

...But let's stop talking about Sukhbataar's ancestors and talk about Blackadder's instead.

Now, after the botched attempt to conquer Equestria, which was of course held by the aforementioned warrior, Equestria was weakened, and so it was a ripe opportunity for what little harmony was left to go to shit when Princess Luna turned rebel because she was butthurt about her (justified) unpopularity, and ended up getting sent to the moon. This made a lot of confused American fans upset, but it was most pleasing to most of Equestria, as they gladly forgot a princess who would execute people for not telling enough dick jokes to amuse her, and thus purged her from their histories and never spoke of her again.

Meanwhile, there was a very naughty boy who took over a fine place call the Crystal Empire, and he extended slavery to all who didn't have knighthood. He was originally called "El Víboro Negro", but as this upset too many white people on Tumblr either due to the use of the word "negro" (in spite of the fact that it's the spanish word for "black" and was being used as such in that context) or the "cultural appropriation" of an English-speaker using a Spanish phrase, he was often alternatively called "Sombra"; even dictators must bend their wills to that of the Warriors of the Tumblr Order.

Now was this "El Víboro Negro" a dictatorial git? You bet he was! At least the Khan had some sense of fair play and style (Sombra was notorious for being the worst-dressed stallion in all of Equestria). But Sombra still left a gift to Equestria: He had many children, and from them, and many descendents, and even one thousand years after he was last seen, his descendants did many great things, and provided only the best for Equestria. Two of his descendants in particular were crucial to helping shape Equestria, and completely changed it for the better, and thus not only indirectly conquered Equestria, but also conquered our hearts!

But let's stop talking about Rarity and Sweetie Belle for a second and get back to Blackadder and Baldrick.

Now before shortly before she was banished, Luna was revealed to be useful for something after all, and Celestia and Luna together sent this rather bad boy to his room (a euphemism for saying they tried to kill him, and apparently half-succeeded, as somehow he lived on). However, Luna thought she covered everything, but she forgot something important: Sombra's only loyal mate, his beautiful-but-eccentric last wife and strangely was both his favorite and least favorite wife at the same time, Baldrice (she was famous for somehow managing to be both one of the smartest and one of the stupidest members of the entire kingdom; a remarkable feat), who escaped during the siege. This wouldn't have been a big deal, except she was with child. Twins, in fact. One was a handsome colt who definitely took on after his father, and she gave him a royal name, Edmund. The other was an ugly git who only vaguely resembled his mother (though he may have got his ultra-intelligent/ultra-unintelligent brains from her), and he was named Baldrick, somewhat after his mother. Interestingly, baby Baldrick's first words, likely learned from his mother, were "I haf a cunnie pwan!", and baby Edmund's response to this declaration was bawling. Loudly.

Eventually, Baldrice died, leaving Edmund and Baldrick to be raised by the Shetland ponies of Dunny-on-Pone, and they had children by these Shetland ponies. Princess Celestia, after a long hard search, eventually found out what happened to Baldrice, and about Dunny-on-Pone and the Shetland ponies. She learned, however, that the Shetland ponies were a peaceful bunch, and felt that they may raise the sons of Sombra to be the same. So with this in mind, she simply haggled some Shetland territory into Equestria's rule so she could keep an eye on it. Centuries passed, and though from Dunny-on-Pone Clan Blackadder rose, it never became a huge threat, and to prevent it from ever becoming one, Celestia fully acknowledged Clan Blackadder as nobility and gave its family some power and prestige throughout Equestria. More centuries passed, and she completely forgot about the threat that Clan Blackadder could be under some circumstances, she casually handed over rule over Shetlandshire to Prince Blueblood, a distant descendant of Princess Luna.

And that's when all the chaos began.

Now it must be remembered that apparently, 1000 years is enough time for ponies to lose track of their heritage, perhaps intentionally so because barely a millennium ago, Equestria was nothing to be proud of. So not only were Blackadder and Baldrick unaware that they were the direct descendants of Sombra through all-male lines, they also were not aware that they shared the same heritage. The original Edmund was made Thain of Dunny-on-Pone, in charge through birthright, and Baldrick, the slightly younger and more socially awkward of the twins was the Mayor, an elected official, and that meant that his position could not easily be passed down. So it was that all of Edmund's children, the Blackadder family, kept their rank, and the Baldricks never did, eventually ending up as the ill-treated civilians of the town. And so our story begins, 1000 years after Luna and el Víboro Negro, or King Sombra if you prefer, were banished from Equestria, and once again, a Black Adder must fall from grace and into greed. And it is here, that our story begins...

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