Chapter 1
"Spike wake up!" Twilight shouted with an irritated frown. "Why did I let him stay awake so late last night now he's not going to wake up" Twilight thought
"Just five more minutes, Twi and I promise I'll do all the chores you want me to," A voice called from upstairs.
"Fine, just five more minutes and that's it," Twilight grabbed books off the ground with her magic and placed them in their correct places.
"Thanks, Twilight you're the best", Spike said.
Sometime later
"Alright Twilight I'm up what do you want?" Spike asked.
"Well I wanted for you to help me sort out some books but I already finished so I guess you can have a day off," Twilight said.
"Really I get a day off?" A grin formed on Spike's face.
"Sure go out, have fun", Twilight said. Spike walked up and wrapped his arms around Twilight's neck. Twilight returned the hug by placing her right hoof around his neck. Spike then released the hug and walked towards the door.
"Bye, Spike"
"See you later, Twi" Spike opened the door and walked out. The sun was shining and the smell of summer dew filled the air. "Sure is a beautiful day out I bet Rarity has something for me to do" Spike thought. Spike walked along the gravel road into the town occasionally waving to a passerby. Spike walked up to the Carousel Boutique and knocked.
"Oh, Sweetie Belle can you get the door for me my hooves are full at the moment,"
"Got it, sis," Sweetie Belle's voice squeaked. Sweetie Belle grabbed the door handle with her hoof and opened it. "Oh hey, Spike," Sweetie Belle said.
"Hi Sweetie Bel..," Spike did a double-take after seeing her. Sweetie Belle was wearing a elegant blue gown with white trim and sapphires pattern around the neck. Spike stared more specifically at the sapphires a light shade of crimson was forming on Sweetie Belle's cheeks as Spike stared at her.
"Wow she looks beautiful" Spike thought.
Why is he staring at me like that" Sweetie Belle thought.
"Sweetiebelle you look, I mean the dress looks beautiful", Spike felt heat coming from his cheeks.
"Tha/Why thank you Spikey Wikey," Rarity said interrupting Sweetiebelle.
"It is a rather nice gown don't you think I made it for a client in Ponyville his name is, Filthy Rich,"
"Diamond Tiara's dad," Sweetiebelle said with great distaste.
"Diamond Tiara? Isn't she the filly who makes fun of you and the other crusaders," Spike asked.
"Yeah, that's her," Sweetie said.
"Why does she make fun of your girls anyway I mean none of you are ugly plus you're fun to hang out with," Spike said.
"She makes fun of us because we don't have our cutie marks," Sweetiebelle pointed towards her flank.
"That's dumb she has no right to make fun of you she needs to be taken down a notch," Spike said angrily.
"I'm with you but none of us have the guts to say anything mean to her," she said.
"How about this the next time you go crusading I'll tag along to defend you girls," he said.
"Sounds like a divine idea, Spikey you can defend the girls like a white knight," Rarity giggled "It'll be so cute," Spike's cheeks began to turn pink.
"So Rarity have anything you like me to do?" Spike said.
"Actually that dress was the only order I had to do for today so I guess I don't have anything for you to do," Rarity took of her red glasses.
"Oh, well I guess I'll just leave," Spike said barely hiding his disappointment.
"Bye, Spike," both the unicorns said at the same time.
"Bye, Sweetiebelle bye, Rarity" Spike turned and walked out the Carousel Boutique onto the gravel road. While walking Spike looked down to his feet. Spike accidentally bumped into a young filly.
"Ow look out where ya going Spike," the filly said.
"Oh sorry, Apple Bloom didn't see you there," Spike said rubbing his scales.
"It's alright Spike watcha doing on this side of town?" Apple Bloom asked.
"I came here to help Rarity with her dresses," Spike said.
"That's mighty kind of ya Spike," Apple Bloom said.
"Thanks AB,"
"No problem, Spike are ya hungry do you wanna head over to Sugar Cube Corner with me?" She asked.
"Sure sounds fun, besides me and you don't hang out that often," Spike said.
"So let's go," she said. Spike and Apple Bloom walked down the gravel path in silence. "Well this is awkward I should say something" Spike thought.
"So Apple Bloom you look nice today," Spike said.
"Thanks Spike I just used a new shampoo it's supposed to make my mane shine more so it's nice to know that it's working," Apple Bloom said with a tad of crimson on her cheeks. They approached Sugar Cube Corner and Spike held open the door for Apple Bloom because he is a gentledrake. As the entered the building they were greeted by a pink mare.
"Hey Spike, hey Apple Bloom happy 173 days till Hearths Warming," Pinkie Pie said.
"Hi Pinkie" they said at the same time.
"I guess you two want a table cause you don't want to eat on the floor, wait do you?" Pinkie asked two centimeters away from Spike's face.
"No, a table would be fine" Spike said trying his best not to fall.
"Okie dokie lokie," Pinkie Pie showed them to their table then in a pink blur she came back with two chocolate shakes. "Enjoy,"
"Wow Pinkie how did you do that?" Spike asked.
"Oh a mare has her ways," Pinkie said in a mysterious fashion
"Pinkie Pie you're so silly" Spike said.
"I know that's why everypony loves me" Pinkie said.
"Wait everypony does?" Apple Bloom asked.
"Of course everypony loves me, well gotta go other customers need me,"
"Man, she is so funny," Spike said.
"Ah know where does she get it from?" Apple Bloom said.
"Well well if it isn't a blank flank on a date with an over grown lizard," a pink filly said.
"Urg Diamond Tiara leave us alone we are
not dating," Apple Bloom said.
"Diamond why don't you just back off, is this really all you got to do today?" Spike asked. Diamond step back she didn't expect them to say anything back.
"I do have something to do I have umm rollerskating practice, yeah rollerskating," she stuck her nose up in a weird way to show pride, (which was completely false, drama queen am I right?)
"Thank ya Spike for defending me, can ah show ya my gratitude?," Applebloom asked as her cheeks got a bit rosey.
"What do you mean?" Spike asked.
"Well ah'll show you," Apple Bloom slowly
moved forward to Spike. Apple Bloom placed a kiss on Spike's cheek. She pulled away her cheeks burning. "I'll see ya later okay?," Spike nodded dumbly.Then she left the building a second later Spike realized something.
"Wait now I have to cover her shake, clever AB very clever."
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ok three things
1. Are you going to make this socially awkward for spike and the readers
2. Are going to be breaking down the forth wall with pinkie or other characters
3. For you cover art it should be simple to upload straight from your photo files when it ask for cover arts assuming you have a pic save and not getting one from google image
The CMC loves Spike!!!!
You're writing way too fast. It feels way to quick when you just go from one spoken sentence to the next. Break it up a little with thoughts or facial expressions, otherwise it feels and sounds like there's no emotion. That's how I feel anyway. Well, it's still early and hopefully this is just beginning.
I agree that while I was writing I should have added more emotion and thoughts for the characters but don't worry I can only get better from you guys.
Well, I have to admit, this need a little bit of work. It could be expanded just a little bit. Adding things like character actions would make the story much more enjoyable. I see you do have a great premise and even though it's short, it's still rather cute.
I will keep reading and see how this goes.
It's very dialog heavy and feels rushed. I would suggest adding more description to the character's environment and making the dialog more in character with what the speaker would say naturally to make it a little less stiff.
Me: *Applauses* that's what I call Strategy!