• Member Since 22nd Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

Code Breaker


E

AU: Trixie's life was simple. Study, study, and study some more. Until the time of the Summer Sun Celebration came along, and after much studying she uncovers the possibly of Nightmare Moon returning.

But stopping her is only the start of the new everyday life she will experience in the town of Ponyville. Spells gone wrong, Gala ticket troubles, Meeting a zebra, and much more await her.

[Features a mostly new Mane 6, and will have canon episodes along with original ones. Features OC characters.]

If you guys like this story check out these stories to!
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Chapters (18)
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Comments ( 32 )

5497065 I don't mean a real canon. I mean there will be chapters that are my own version of actual episodes from the series. Though I kinda walked into that one.

5497585 The word's Canon. ;>> Which's why I posed a picture of a cannon.

5497655 Oh...Thanks for pointing out the mistake. Guess I made it in my rush to post this.

5497673
No worries. You'd be surprised how hilariously frequent that crops up.

This is really good, if not ungodly long! But that's fine! Chapters can be as long as you want them to be, so Kudos to you! I hope this story begins to attract more attention and becomes huge on FIMfiction!

Also, I advertised your story on mine, so you're welcome!

This does fall a bit into the problem a lot of AUs fall into when retelling the first episode: It has to go through all the same motions and it feels repetitive. The story was able to vary things up a bit by combining the original characters with new characters (e.g. we meet Applejack with Cheerilee, Rainbow Dash with Lightning Dust), which is a fun touch.

But the biggest problem with the story is the writing. There's a lot of issues with the grammar, particularly in commas being absent where they should be. It's hard to really give specific examples because it's all over the place, and the reasons the commas should be there are for varying reasons. But one example:

“Well isn’t she a little egocentric?” Trixie thought

In addition to the fact there should be a period after thought, there needs to be a comma after "well." There's also some mixing up of homonyms, such as:

Sincerely you’re Faithfull Student, Trixie Lulamoon.

This should be your, and also "faithful" is misspelled. There also should be a comma after the sincerely. We see the your/you're error in reverse here:

“LIGHTNING DUST YOUR GOING TO GET IT!”

In this case, it should be your, and there should also be a comma after Dust because commas need to set off direct address. Oh, and the word "cannon" in the description should be "canon" (this was discussed in the comments, but it doesn't look like it was quite corrected yet).

Speaking of direct address, the story doesn't really punctuate/capitalize dialogue properly (direct address being an example). Now, this is a distressingly common problem even in stories that otherwise have decent grammar, but it bears noting. The good news is that there is, on this site, an excellent guide to writing dialogue correctly right here.

Admittedly, grammar isn't something that can be improved overnight (though if everyone who wrote a story here was required to read the linked dialogue portion, 95% of dialogue-related grammar issues would be gone), but it is something that should be looked into. There are people available as editors for stories, so you might want to look into getting one.

5518722
Ooooh boy... Alright, I took the time to read over your comment and you know what? I completely, one-hundred percent agree with you. I just wanted to say a few things because I don't like conflicts left unresolved without the truth. It's just the way I am, so bear with me.

1. He isn't the true author of this story.
His brother is, but since his brother isn't exactly good on spelling and grammar and all that good stuff, my friend Code Breaker here was the one editing it. There's a LOT of content to edit and fix, especially with someone like his brother (no offense Code Breaker), so naturally, some grammar would be left out.

2. You, stop being a grammar Nazi.
I understand you. Really, I do! I'm just the same way, always freaking out when someone does or spells something wrong. But correcting words in comments is a little... weird. Comments are are part of the internet language. While the story may have to have a few grammar fixes, comments don't as those are the true words of someone. Believe me, after linking myself with the internet, I would know.

Look, I'm sure you just had a crap day and wanted to point out some grammar mistakes because maybe that's what you like doing in your freetime. I don't know, I don't know you in real life. Okay, comment over. I feel satisfied now... I think I'm going to go have some coffee... yeah...

5518722 I do appreciate your help with the grammar that needs to be fixed as I can take it, and I will work on fixing those mistakes. Also I'm sorry it feels like a repeat...blame the head author. I'm only the co-author and editor.


5519004 None taken Kamek. I do agree with that fact about my brother, and I will try to improve the grammar issue.

5519004

2. You, stop being a grammar Nazi.
I understand you. Really, I do! I'm just the same way, always freaking out when someone does or spells something wrong. But correcting words in comments is a little... weird. Comments are are part of the internet language. While the story may have to have a few grammar fixes, comments don't as those are the true words of someone. Believe me, after linking myself with the internet, I would know.

Huh? What is this in reference to? I'm extremely confused. In my comment, where did I correct any misspellings in someone else's comment?

I mean, you seem to be getting upset at me for doing... something I didn't actually do. The closest thing I came to that was this:
"Oh, and the word "cannon" in the description should be "canon" (this was discussed in the comments, but it doesn't look like it was quite corrected yet)."

But that was me correcting a mistake in the description and noting that others already pointed this out in the comments. The closest thing I did to correcting misspellings in a comment was pointing out a misspelling in the story description and happening to use the word "comment" in the same sentence.

5520009
...and, check. Great! Thank you for participating!

No way! You like Mega Man Battle Network too?! AWESOME!!

5532389 That I do Kamek. Its one of my favorite GBA games, and I have all of them. So I couldn't resist putting one of my favorite anime themes as the ending.

hmm I have the feeling that someone did this before....oh well it's still a good read NOW ONTO MY NEXT STORY (starts reading the lunaverse stories)

5554798 I know this might feel like the Lunaverse Dark, but this story is going to havr its own bits that are different. I will not say what because that would be spoilers.

I still like the story but I only hope you make Trixie as funny as her lunaverse counterpart

5555002 I will try to. She does have her moments in this and a few other episodes. Also I haven't read any Lunaverse stories, but I have heard of it.

5555977 trust me they are worth it for Trixie (she has the funniest moments)and cheerilee (who's the badass of group even better is she is that worlds element of LAUGHTER....think about that for a second)the series is even responsible for the raindrops tag being made

5556510 Now I'm going to check it out.

5556700 although one got on tvtropes sucked the fun out of it

GranObs: RainbowDoubleDash's Lunaverse winds up here with the season 1 conclusion, At the Grand Galloping Gala. A huge Mood Whiplash from the previous stories, this fic shows the government of Equestria as grim, decayed, and fundamentally corrupted to the point where there is literally not one good legislator or noble in the nation. The first six chapters of the story are Trixie trying, and failing, to get funding to rebuild the wrecked town of Ponyville. After Luna finally gets them the money, Trixie and co. realize the only way to stop the corruption in the Court is to literally have a blackmailer arrested by the Guards so she'll tell all she knows in exchange for a plea. This done, Luna flips out at the Court, castigating them for being terrible and says that all of them are hopelessly corrupt. (Trixie, who has done more bad things than many ponies on the Court, is excluded, because she's the protagonist and it's okay when she does bad things). She threatens to disband the government if even a single Courtier steps out of line again, which is ridiculous considering the country is about to be invaded and unfair to boot. The L6 then convince Luna that it's okay to rule by fear. The story ends with Trixie pretending to poison Blueblood and ordering him not to tell anypony about what she did or else she'll trigger the poison, an action absolutely identical to the ones Luna just castigated... but again, Trixie is the protagonist, so it's okay.

o...k he did not read between the lines on this AT ALL

5556758 Wow. Now that is a harsh critic. Yeah sounds like the guy can't read between the lines.

5556862 he can't I could tell you everything that's wrong with that but I want you to read season 1 first before I tell you so you won't get confused by what I tell you and you can better understand it hey i'll tell anyone who wants to know

Great job bro but there are a few misplaced words, but all good.:twilightsmile:

6123297 ...Thanks for the message little bro.

Aww, you're welcome man. :rainbowkiss:
Also, tip: If you want the chapters to look nicer, then try indenting the paragraphs like this:

Including the weather ponies whose task is to make sure every cloud is clear or every place has the correct amount of rainfall during a storm. The clouds are created in a place known as Cloudsdale which is a city that had cloud like architecture and usually only Pegasi live on it.

6233320 Thanks for the suggestion Kamek.

Still a great chapter bro. How about suggesting this story to some others?:pinkiehappy:

Could of have et al

Also "Wonderbolts" is a Proper Noun.

6642816 Thanks for the corrections. Hard to spot mistakes like that sometimes.

6643564

Tell me about it, especially the Proper Noun thing. Had an author say they were disregarding it simply because of how they write.

Overall a decent chapter, it has a good plot though I do have a minor gripe if I'm totally honest with you.

She stepped out of her room and elegantly made her way down to the living quarters of her rather large house. She was so happy because of her famous tiara cutiemark she’d got earlier. Its meaning was that she had potential for modeling as she had discovered when volunteering to help Rarity at her boutique.

That's not Diamond Tiara's talent. The show has revealed to us that her special talent is "getting other ponies do what she wants."

Chancing a backstory is really fun, placing characters in different scenarios or alternate timelines etc.... But in the case of ponies I don't think it's smart to chance their special talent. Especially if all the other ponies are having the same talent as their show counterparts then suddenly chancing one of the major characters which whom talent has clearly been divined would be considered character kill. But hey it's your story and as author you can do and interpreter as you want.

It's just comes over as a bit odd and like I said it's only a minor gripe I have with this chapter. Overall it was rather good and clear improvement to the previous chapters of this story. So keep on the good work. :twilightsmile:

6926881 Thank and actually her talent to me is actually leadership. I kind of forgot to change that part.

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