Prologue
Only the silvery shimmer of the moon and stars illuminated the pitch black darkness of Luna's room while she meditated to travel through the many dreams of her subjects. Helping some ponies to get through their problems in their dreams was one of her many duties, but with upcoming fall and much longer nights, she would be able to handle all this a lot better.
Princess Luna liked dreamwalking very well. Some ponies really had the weirdest psyches and using her powers to fix fears and difficulties always was a unique experience to her.
She remembered this one time when she helped that filly. What was her name again?
Ah yes! Sweetie Belle. I guess I went a bit overboard there. That certainly was one disturbing lesson I taught her!
Luna chuckled a bit while remembering how she scared the hell out of that little girl by showing her Rarity´s mental breakdown after Sweetie´s interference.
She just reminded me too much of myself I guess. I made it up to her by helping to fix the headdress, but I should check on her from time to time.
Hatred that blossomed from jealousy was probably no laughing matter, the princess was a living evidence for that, and Luna's actions certainly did the trick, but it was really easy to mess up big time inside other people's minds.
Maybe I can make a quick detour now, just to make sure everything is still alright.
As she reached out to Ponyville with her magic, something else got her attention before she found Sweetie Belle. She could feel the strangest dream waves coming from the Crystal Tree Castle. Was Princess Twilight having nightmares?
Luna's dream form turned around and landed on the balcony to Twilight's chambers. She passed through the double windows and found the alicorn lying in her bed, fast asleep. Most parts of the room were taken by a lavender stream that flowed and wrapped around the Princess of Friendship.
She was about to touch the stream and dive right into it as she felt resistance. What is this? She thought. This had never happened before.
Luna tried to dive in again, but with no success. The princess pushed forward with more force now but the breakthrough never came.
Okay, I guess magic will do the trick then.
Luna took a few steps backwards as her horn began to shine in a dark blue aura. Quickly, she dashed head on into the barrier.
She felt a sharp pain raging through her head as her horn seemed to crash into a steel wall. The only reason why it did not just break into tiny pieces of bones was that while dreamwalking, she had no actual physical body. The headaches later would be pretty bad though. Dazed from the impact, Luna shook her head to clear her vision again.
As she cleared her eyes of the tears of pain, she saw a door-like structure made of lavender light in front of her.
What in Celestia's name is Twilight hiding so deep in her heart that even I can´t break through? Luna wondered. She would ask her that the next time she met with her.
Suddenly she felt a strange sensation. Something wasn´t right.
The sound of thunder ripped Luna out of the out-of-body experience. She was a bit disoriented at first. Being forced back in such a short time wasn´t a comfortable sensation. The headaches were terrible and she had to lie down for a second first.
Soon enough, another feeling distracted the Moon Princess.
It felt like something in her night sky had been shattered, a strange sensation she had never felt before. She shook awake as a tickling wandered from her horn through her whole body like a soft stream of electricity.
"What just happened?" she asked herslf, shuddering a bit. Every hair on her body stood on end as this unknown feeling washed over her.
Luna jumped to her hooves, opened the window to her balcony, and walked over to her telescope. Her starry, ethereal mane caught the wind that seemed to be filled with some kind of magic because it felt like it carried small amounts of sand that tickled her skin. As she observed the sky, she wasn´t sure if it still was her night.
The sky was glowing slightly and it looked like it was breaking apart as shards fell from it and desolved in midair, revealing a new sky with hundreds of new stars she had never seen before.
As Luna looked around, she saw the royal guards looking up in confusion. For a few seconds, she wasn´t able to say anything. This wasn´t like anything she had ever imagined.
Then she caught herself again and in her royal Equestrian voice she commanded: "Do not panic! Get both captains here immediately! And notify my sister!“
Luna's horn flashed as she reached out with her magic to get a better feel of her surroundings which were still sizzling with that strange power. It somehow felt familiar ... she just could not put her hoof on it.
Whatever this was, it was big! "Maybe we should request the aid of someone else as well."
The nightmare stared up. She could feel the new kind of power that was lingering in the air around her. They did it! They actually did it!
I think i should probably leave now as well. This may probably turn some heads and I don't want to face any resistance so early in our plans!
"Well now... you did well my dear," she heard from behind her and turned around, scared because she didn´t expect that someone was still with her after her minions left.
Even though the nightmare was a creature of the night herself, the silhouette in front of her still sent shivers down her spine. The fairy was tall, wore a long, tattered cloak and her appearance almost fused with the the darkness around her.
If there hadn´t been her staff and her slightly glowing, green, reptile-like eyes that seemed to pierce through even flesh to see into the nightmare's very soul, one might mistake her for the night itself. In the eerie light of the dark fairy´s staff, the mare could just make out the two horns originating from her head and bowed before her.
"Now, now my dear Nightmare, you don´t have to bow before me anymore. You are a queen remember?" the fairy said with a soothing tone, caressing the nightmare's green and blue mane. "Soon, the Heartless will come here and every single pony will bow to you."
The nightmare was happy to be praised by this being. This praise had two meanings.
First, that she was still getting closer to her goal, and otherwise that her dark mistress didn´t have any reason to crush her. This fairy´s power was far beyond anything she knew so far.
But that was the thing that bothered her most. Why is she working with me? Knowing her for two months now, I know it isn´t out of pure kindness.
The mare rose her head. "Why are doing this? I still can´t see how this is helping you. You are not from here anyway."
"Aftereverything I did for you, you dare to doubt me ? Now, after I have given you and your minions the posibility to survive?" Her magic now illuminated the whole chamber. The green light shimmered in the crystal tree behind her.
"N-No ... I ..." the nightmare stepped back a little. She regretted her decision to question the fairy immediately.
"You will see. I see great potential within you. Cast this land into the void of darkness. This will be enough."
The Nightmare nodded as her mistress emitted more eerie light and weaved a spell out of pure, dark magic. The tree cracked and was shattered from the raw power. It was terrifying to see that this old guardian of the Everfree was smashed without any visible effort of that witch.
"It will take some time for the Heartless to come here. This world was closed off for a long time after all." the fairy said. "Wait until then! Unleash your minions in as many places as you can and bring the Elements of Harmony to our destination! Then this world shall be yours!" She turned around to look the mare in the eyes again.
The fairy vanished in green flames, her voice echoing trough the room one last time. "Rise now and plant the seeds of darkness in their hearts, Nightmare Oblivion!"
Pete stared in the dancing flames while waiting for Maleficent in the clearing. He had nothing to do and the staring contests against her raven Diablo just rose his boredom even more.
Finishing his job in the old castle´s ruins had not been that difficult and just sitting around between trees wasn´t really exciting either.
"Damn that witch ... taking her sweet time!" he muttered to himself, slowly dozing off.
Then, a pillar of flames rose from the bonfire, turning it into smothering ashes and let Pete jump up in shock, landing flat on his back.
"What the heck was that for?" he complained.
Maleficent just ignored him. Diablo sat down on her shoulder. "Did you find it?"
Of course! She nearly fries my brows off, scares the hell out of me and stuff but business first huh? Damn witch!
"Yes I did. Do you really think it will help us?" Pete answered, revealing a book from his pockets. "I mean, it is only a dusty, old book."
A satisfied smile lightened up Malificent's face as she took the old tome and caressed over the brown, leather cover. The binding displayed three stars made of some clear crystal, that began to shimmer under her touch.
"Just wait and see!" she laughed joylessly. "From this bright world, we will cast the darkest shadow over each other world."
With this, her staff and eyes flashed and black thorn hedges began to grow alongside her way.
Looks interesting, well written and I'll stalk it, I just I have one doubt...
Three PONIES? Are you sure it's a good idea?
If the three you are talking about are who I think, as in the "main team" of all the games so far (Sora, Donald, Goofy) then maybe you could play a little on it... I mean, even in-game, when they transformed by visiting another world, they never shared the same species. In Atlantica, Sora was the mer...man(?), Goofy a turtle and Donald a octopus. On the Lion King world, Sora a Lion, Donald a... bird and Goofy another turtle... Considered we are in Equestria, couldn't you play a little on it and make Sora a Pony, Donald a half-duck griffon and Goofy a Diamond Dog, for example? Goofy would fit the part very well, with his (apparent) dumbness similar the one we have seen on the pack that kidnapped Rarity.
Unless the "three" are other guys and then everything I said goes down the drain...
5496640
I know what you mean but I already thought this through. There have been arguments for and against it, but I thought three ponies is the most fitting solution. I tried to stay as close as possible to the source material. This is actually the only thing where I was uncertain, but now that I am getting further into the story, it just feels better with ponies.
And in my opinion Goofy is the most intelligent in this trio. xD
NightmareShredder
So this might be a stupid question but are the three heroes Sora, Donald, and Goofy or someone else?
Well, well, good job making Maleficent completely despicable. You watching, Nomura-san? Destroying the Tree of Harmony made me hate her even more than sabotaging the Cornerstone of Light in KHII. Actually, the whole scene reminded me of Morgoth and Ungoliant stabbing and sapping Laurelin and Telperion, though that's probably just the visual motifs at work.
Some corrections:
1. "iluminated" in line 1 should be "illuminated."
2. "Sweety's" in line 9 should be "Sweetie's."
3. As a common noun, "Alicorn" in line 18 should be "alicorn."
3. "Princess of friendship" in line 19 should be "Princess of Friendship." Titles are capitalized when used with a person's name (e.g., "Princess Twilight"), in direct address (e.g., "Your Highness, you must come with us."), and when the title refers unambiguously to a high officer of state (e.g., "You are now Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship"). Incidentally, mlpwiki botches that last example by failing to capitalize.
4. There should be a return between lines 21 and 22, consistent with your other formatting.
5. Line 23 should be indented, consistent with your other formatting.
6. "moon princess" in line 34 should be capitalized. See note 3, supra.
7. "her night's sky" in line 35 is correct, but awkward, as a reading aloud would reveal; "her night sky" would be better.
8. "she never felt before" in line 35 should be "she had never felt before."
9. In line 35 you use "it wandered" without making what it clear that "it" refers to the strange sensation Luna is feeling.
10. "jumped on her hooves" in line 39 should be "jumped to her hooves."
11. "royal equestrian voice" in line 46 should be "royal Equestrian voice," "Equestrian" being a demonym. But I'd advise you to avoid shortcuts like this unless you've already described the thing about which you're talking. Not everybody reading this will necessarily have seen Luna Eclipsed, perish the thought.
12. The capitalization of "Captain" in line 46 is an edge case and can go either way depending on how important the captaincy of the Royal Guard is and how many captains there are. Some fics break the Royal Guard into a number of commands, each with their own head. Yours does not seem to, however, in which case the capitalization can stay.
13. There should be a space before and after the ellipsis in line 49. There should also be spaces in between the points of the ellipsis if you're kludging one together from full stops instead of using a pre-rendered mark.
14. "request help of someone" in line 50 is correct, but awkward. "Request the aid of" or "request help from" would both be better. "Request the aid of" is more . . . Luna.
15. See note 13, supra with respect to the ellipsis in line 54.
16. "silouette" in line 56 should be "silhouette."
17. The paragraph beginning on line 56 contains too many "shes" and "hers." It becomes unclear after a while to whom the pronouns refer. [Almost] every time "she" or "her" refers to a different person, that person should already have been referred to by a name, title, or description. But avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome!
18. The paragraph beginning on line 61 has a dysfunctional relationship with the comma. Just with respect to punctuation, it should read: "'Now, now my dear Nightmare, you don't have to bow before me anymore. You are a queen, remember?' the fairy said in a soothing tone, caressing the Nightmare's green and blue mane. 'Soon, they will come here and everypony will bow to you.'" The "nightmare" that is outside the dialogue, and therefore not being used as a direct address, should not be capitalized.
19. If you want to continue on to a new paragraph, the colon at the end of line 63 should be a full stop. If you want to preserve the colon, the following sentences should be condensed into a single paragraph. If you're going to preserve the separate paragraphs, the paragraph beginning on line 64 should be indented, see note 5, supra.
20. "posibility" in line 69 should be "possibility," and "her" in the same line should be capitalized as the beginning of a new sentence. Actually, the whole dialogue in the paragraph beginning on line 69 is awkward. I'd rather the first sentence read: "'Even now you do not trust me?'" and I can't even begin to salvage the second without a great deal more thought.
21. See note 13, supra with respect to the ellipses in line 71.
22. The passive voice kills the moment of the tree shattering in line 74.
23. "a bit" in line 76 should be "a while" or "some time."
24. The comma after "one last time" in line 79 should be a full stop.
25. See note 13, supra with respect to the ellipsis in line 84.
26. "shoulder" in line 87 should be followed by a full stop.
27. There should be a return between lines 88 and 89, see note 4, supra.
28. "revealing" in line 90 ought to be "taking" or "pulling."
29. "smlie" in line 92 should be "smile."
Beyond that, a number of your apostrophes and inverted commas are curlicue, while others are straight. Either way is fine (the site prefers straight inverted commas), but consistency is a virtue here.
Pleaseworkforonce in the advertisement thread advised you to seek out an editor, and after reading this prologue I have to agree. I'd also like to offer my services; feel free to PM me for references and credentials.
5499218
Thanks for pointing all this out. I´ll get to it as soon as possible.
I have to do a little something before though. I´copy that into my notes and you will get a message regarding that matter within the next few days.
Good that you liked it storywise. Maleficent is one of my favourite Anthagonists from Disney. I just couldn´t soften her out like Disney did in their last movie. That just wasn´t right. As a Mistress of all Evil she deserves to do all the fun bad stuff
NightmareShredder
5499837
The background to this will be explained later. you don´t want me to take away all th fun, do you?
NightmareShredder
5499837
This is actually an interesting thought. I wont take this into the story but I´ll keep it in mind for a little series I´ve got in the back of my head.