• Member Since 28th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen Last Monday

Thunderbolt Sentinel

We are all unique individuals, of our own merits, flaws, and beliefs. Together, we create the future.


Shifting Winds had always enjoyed action and excitement, however when her brother dies in a bloody civil war she must return home to attend his funeral. After seeing what has become of her homeland she decides she must try and make a difference.

Tagged AU due to Steampunk.
Cover art by RainbowLightin
Edited by Graycait and Stellar Bubbles.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 108 )

Yay!!! It's up, I'm going to read it, to understand how my cover art fits in with the story:pinkiehappy:

NICE!!! I can't wait for the next one!!! You really did well at portraying their characters even though they are made up! I'm very honored to have my art on this story :pinkiehappy:

Talk about family issues :applejackconfused:


I decided maybe it was time to chance the subject.

Should be change. That was the only one I saw so keep at it and it'll be worth it in the end.
The first world building chapter isn't always the best. However I can see that this can evolve into something greater. :twilightsmile:
Yes. I can become a joking, hat wearing madman to a professional reviewer in seconds!

And now for something less serious.

5709234 hey I proofread his story and I pointed that out as well, but it is correct. She wanted to chance bringing up the subject. Not changing the subject. It's kinda like saying should I or shouldn't I, she was chancing saying it. :ajsmug:

5709052 Thank you.:twilightsmile:
5709125 It get's better.:pinkiecrazy:
5709130 You know it!:pinkiehappy:
5709234 I'll need to read it again to make sure.:moustache:
5709850 shod ="Should":eeyup:

5710352 I don't know what you're talking about.

5709234 I guess either way works though in context

5710352 To be honest, neither Shifting nor her mom are in the right in this situation. Mom especially was being kind of a dick with the whole "hey, explain to your little brother why his big brother isn't going to be around anymore. Also, I'm going to lie to Gust about his brother being dead for years instead of being straight with him!"

5710493 Oh yeah, neither one was supposed to be seen as "good" in this situation. I wanted to give a bit of information about her family, her very dysfunctional family.:moustache:

5710517 So far, I'm rooting for Gust in this story. :rainbowlaugh:

Interesting start so far. I think you did a great job in setting up the characters and starting the story. I did notice this:

No pictures, no tables, no TV, Dear Celestia no TV!

Dear isn't capitalized in this instance as far as I know. Aside from that, everything flowed smoothly. I'll track this story, as I am curious as to what you have planned next. Nice work. :twilightsmile:

5710610 Thanks, and I'll be sure to fix that now.:pinkiehappy:

5710667 You're welcome. :pinkiesmile:

Video games in a steampunkish world.... Okay:derpytongue2:

I must say, I don't really enjoy stories that only have OC's in them, but I think this is my first. :pinkiehappy: You portrayed each characters and their characteristics pretty nicely, and I'm pretty into the story right now. However, there are some lines that have a few mistakes in them. Here are some examples:

"Where you giving him letters from me?"

Well, there may not be an actual mistake, to be honest, but this sentence just doesn't make any sense to me. :twilightsheepish:

Yes, it's not like you where going to send any anytime soon."

That "where" should be "were".

That's right I shouted for everyone in my house

There should be a comma after "That's right".

and you where gonna lie to me about it!"

Again, "where" should be "were".

5711196 There will be more tags added later (Spitfire, Twilight,and others)But because they weren't in yet I felt I shouldn't add the tags.
Also thanks I'll get right on fixing those.:pinkiehappy:

Sorry. :twilightsheepish:
I'll leave corrections and whatnot to you then. :twilightsmile:

Wow, what an engaging start. I'm interested in Shifting's character and what else she'll be like in future chapters. Hope you keep up the good work.

New chapter! Woo! :yay: Pretty good too.

5882577 thanks, you can thank graycait for editing for me.:pinkiehappy:

A platoon was a lot right?

A platoon is typically made up of between 15 and 30 soldiers. Sorry, couldn't resist. And damn, what a badass her brother was!

I'm really liking the writing, especially the perspective style. it's almost like a journal or a memoir.

5902814 glad you like it! I think I'm better at this then third person. The difference in quality is unquestionable between this and D&D.:twilightsheepish:

The storyline looks good so far, as you've defined the characters well and I'm able to understand their personalities and goals, which will naturally become more important as the story goes along. As for prose, it flows nicely, though I did spot a few minor grammatical mistakes here or there. A few quick pointers I'll mention are as follows:

- Titles such as general, sergeant, captain, and so on are capitalized if followed by a name. Examples would be Captain Spitfire, Captain Shining Armor, General Firefly, etc. It doesn't detract from the story's readability, but it's something to take note of for future chapters.
- When a characters dialogue is cut off, the dash appears in the quotation. Here's a quick example I made up off the top of my head. :twilightsmile:

"Fleetfoot, do you think we should charge—"
"Charge at them? Cloud Kicker, have you lost your mind?"

Anyway, those two small things are good rules to consider for your next chapter. Still, you did do a good job at it, and I wish you the best of luck on the next chapters. :pinkiesmile:

6059325 You're welcome! :twilightsmile:

damn, there's a dislike now

6099025 what?..........................................................................................okay yeah it was me, i just wanted to see what you would do, imma turn it back into a like

Holy shit, someone down voted it

6165762 I'm pretty sure I had 18 before you appeared and said that.:rainbowwild:

6165763 Look i'm going to down vote it, you will see it wasn't me

6165769 I don't read stories on my alt, neither do I up vote or down vote, this is legit someone else

Login or register to comment