• Member Since 25th Dec, 2013
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Sparky Brony


I'm an electrician working in Fargo, ND. I love writing pony stories, and reading good fanfiction. My Patreon!

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This is written for the Most Dangerous Game fanfic competition. The prompt is for Past Sins by Pen Stroke.

"An old foe is reincarnated in the body of a young pony. What will the Mane Six do when they find out?"

Shortly after the defeat of Tirek, a new, young centaur is found in the Everfree Forest. Twilight and friends bring her to the castle. What is she? Is she Tirek? Is she different? How will their words and actions affect the young centaur?

I would like to say thank you for the comments so far, and as you can see, the story is undergoing an edit and rewrite phase, I've broken the chapters up, and I'm going to expand upon them.

I also need to make sure to give huge credit to my pre-readers/editors, the immortal Phenrys, and the incomparable exsnaggerwes. Thank you to both of you, this story wouldn't be nearly as good without your hard work!

The image is by TheShadowStone

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 32 )
Comment posted by SeventhBrony deleted Jan 16th, 2015

This story is far, far too rushed. Great idea, but not nearly enough detail. This one chapter should be broken into several.

this story is really good as it stands. as to Rhulain saying it is rushed look at the author's note this is a short version for a contest so it needed to be short.
personally I think sparky brony did a super duper good job with the space allowed.

harts fire

I think you've done a good job taking a story that really needs to be several hundred thousand words down into less than ten thousand. I'm proud of you.

^that author note

I feel that the 15k word limit on the story competition is way too small to do the prompt justice.

Especially considering that Past Sins is over 200k words.

5483894 It's being worked on. Do you have any suggestions in the meantime? Personally, (and I already told the author this) I think the 'few weeks' that it took the groundskeeper to heal should have been expanded upon. A lot could happen in just a few weeks, but keeping to the main plot would be difficult, and it would go from a one-shot to a more novel-sized length. Which parts that you can remember need more detail?

Paradigm Shine's The Last Crusade showed up in the similar stories box to the side of this. I'm not sure how to feel about that yet.

super chapter and I really like the art work.
harts fire

so you're breaking it up into chapters? That's a good idea.

5511194 and I have added over 2k words to the original, and some editing has been done.

supper chapter this is really looking good.
cant weight for the next installment.

harts fire

My theory for why the Harmony Magic failed because it only affects those the casters see as their enemy. In their hearts they all loved Enigma and couldn't bring themselves to harm her.

5520374 Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding, give the commenter a cookie.

love the cliff hanger this story will get super good when you have time to go back to it.
good luck with the competition.
harts fire

Please tell me you'll make a sequel. Please!

5522223 I have outlined the beginning of a sequel. Though it will be a bit before it's written.

"I dunno, Enigma. Sweetie Belle says she's been working on something.

Needs an end quote.
Sorry I've been gone so long. I'm just now getting around to catching up on things and reading this last version :ajsleepy:

5572113 Fixed, thanks for spotting that! :twilightsmile:

What? That's it? That's not how you do a story-ending cliffhanger. That felt more like a chapter ending than a story ending. You don't just end a story in the middle of a fight. If you want a cliffhanger story ending, you put it just before the action. In this case, that would be while she's on the train heading for Canterlot.

5611060 You are making the assumption that the action is almost over, not even close. That was a skirmish, the war hasn't started yet. Trust me, this is the best place for a cliffhanger.

5612607 Do not assume to know what I was assuming, mortal, else I shall smite thee with my Rubber Duck of Infinite Squeaks.

On the contrary, I assumed that the action was only partway over. That's the problem: regardless of how much action is left, the fact remains that the action has started.

One of the most difficult-to-teach aspects of storytelling is explaining the art of choosing the end point. A cliffhanger at the end of a skirmish when there's more fighting to do does work for a chapter ending, but trying to end the story leaves the reader confused and disappointed. I maintain my position that the train ride would be a better place. Alternatively, and perhaps a better option, would be to continue the story here instead of making a separate story for the second part. Yeah, that sounds better. That way you wouldn't have to change anything aside from the completeness marking.

Also, at some later date, when you feel like it, I suggest extending the time between her attempted apprehension and her switch to evil. It happened a bit too quickly and her reasoning felt rather forced. That's something you'd have to take your time with and think about, though. It's a correction that shouldn't be rushed or else the fix could end up making things worse.

It's otherwise an awesome story, so I'd really like to get past these annoyances.

5613295 I'll admit, I'm planning on simply continuing the story after the competition. And I hope you enjoy the story as I planned it out, I don't think it will end up as long as past sins, but I think what happens will be fun. And I have to say, thank you for your thoughts on the story, I'm always glad to get feedback.

Mistakes were made.

Sleep-draining maybe?

Well she went real crazy real fast.

Hug a random stranger who does not like you? Sure, why not.....hmm....not sure how to feel about this, but I'll read on....I'm really hoping she does not a wimp though I mean gods.

So bucking glad you did not have Celestia say that Twilight was like Spike's mom *shivers* I hate that so much, Celestia is his adopted mom in my mind, period. As for the centaur....I don't know her personality is just....boring and really weak to me, for some reason I expected her to have a mouth on her, but that's what Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo are for, among others like Little Braveheart or Spike, but to be honest I don't really much care for your OC right now, I'll read on though, story seems good so far and really awesome choice for a name.

Well that escalated quickly I mean gods damn it would have been nice to know how she was able to do this....well shit....maybe she can meet Tirek's brother

unconscious foal

she's a filly not a foal, a foal is a baby. At any rate....I don't know, is she a teenager or a baby? I'm so confused, to be honest I might lose interest on this story depending no where you go with it.

5613310 So this shall be continued?? Hazah!! It shall be placed on my favorites list again.

I HATE CLIFFHANGERS!!! :flutterrage:
I NEEEEED MMMOOORRREEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

When is the next part coming out? Also, if you're not planning on making one, mabie Fluttershy can change your mind? :fluttercry:

Why has this story been marked complete?

8228495

It was marked complete because it was part of a competition that I had posted it for. I have not, as yet, revisited it.

OK, I really liked this story, up until chapter 4. Chapter 4 feels off and doesn't seem to match the characters personality as depicted in the first three chapters. Specifically, the character as depicted in 1-3 was very much a child. The character as depicted in 4 is very much an adult. Adult modes of thinking, adult responses to serious injury, etc. While I understand that it was written to tie everything together to finish the story for the competition, it just doesn't match the rest of the story. Should the Author decide to continue this story, I ask that the Author seriously consider rewriting the last chapter. A scared and cornered child can and would protect herself and drain those around them, but the mentality would be very different.

The Monk

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