• Member Since 11th Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen May 5th, 2018

Dapper Guy


More of a reviewer than a writer...

E

Twilight is taken back to Canterlot after the Smarty Pants incident. As the rest of the Elements begin to fight amongst themselves, will the ties of friendship last or will the bonds that they've shared be broken forever?
While the Element's bonds begin to slowly fade, an old adversary returns with one goal in mind. To ensure that Elements will never reunite, ever again.


What I think could have happened if Twilight was taken back to Canterlot.
Pre-read by Soge. Awesome Pre-reader/Editor.
Coverart by Chaosqueen. Amazing Artist.

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 123 )

Oh ho Mistakes were made indeed. Interesting start there
reece-eu.net/stuffs/spiderman/spiderman-like-a-boss.jpg

-Snaps fingers at Celestia- Oh no she didn'!

Read the story. First off, this sounds like it'll be interesting, so I'm looking forward to the rest.

However, I can't really let it into the library just yet since it hasn't really progressed enough for me to judge it properly. That said, I have no doubt that when it does progress, it'll be worth the wait.

The review is here, if ever (shorter than usual)

Cant wait for continuation! When more comes out, be sure to let me know!

Well I am finding this interesting so far. Can't wait to see where this goes.

5612647
The ending of the episode rubbed me the wrong way. Twilight, while having a lot of wonderful qualities, broke down over an assignment. This just made me wonder what goes inside of that head of hers. Thus, this story was written.

funny how they all seem to be forgetting that it was their neglect that helped push twilight over the edge.

5662867
Was it their fault that Twilight decided to use such a spell? I'm not saying you're wrong, but Twilight ultimately chose to use the 'Want-it-Need-it' spell.
Also, with the whole pointing the finger/hoof, I wanted to show RD's sense of loyalty. She's the element of loyalty but who is she more loyal to and would her mindset affect her rational thinking.

:trixieshiftleft: IT'S SHOWTIME :trixieshiftright:

Pinkie Pie, her ears still ringing, tried to speak up, but she couldn’t come up with anything to say. “I, ughh, I gotta go and watch the twins.”

I thought the Cake twins' birth wasn't until after this episode.

5666014
Oh holy crap, that completely slipped mind. Fixed that, thanks.
So other than that, what do you think of the current conflict between everypony?

She wouldn’t punish Twilight for something as silly as missing a deadline.

Well, my lecturers will, so why am I reading fanfiction instead of working?!

Yeah, I can tell the story has gotten a fair bit further. I think you treated how each of the characters work quite well, which was nice to see. That said, I'll still be holding off letting it in until this matter of Trixie comes to light a bit more: I feel I'm on the cusp of the actual meat of the story, and I'd like to be sure I get there.

I was actually expecting to see more of Twilight this chapter, though. I'm not complaining. I just dislike being proven wrong.

One thing that always amuses me, though, is how each person interprets what each 'element' does. I never really liked it when people give a strict set of behaviours to each pony based on their element. You could have easily painted Rainbow as being equally loyal and side with Spike, by arguing that he was trying to help her at the time, and nobody else was. Of course, you'd probably have less story to tell if everyone agreed with each other, though. I just think it's a fun thing to think about.

Will wait for more chapters! Keep up the good work!

5671448
Wouldn't leave me much of a story to build up to the climax if they all pitied Spike.
The thing with loyalty is, to me, is how it can be a double edged sword, like honesty. Loyalty to a friend is good, but if you have to do something that can hurt their feelings and cause a rift between you and your friend, it's kind of painful. The truth can also hurt, telling people what they need to hear rather than what they want to hear. That's why I like Rainbow Dash and Applejack. They're elements are so much fun to write with.

5671509 They are. I've been messing with them from day one, and will probably continue to do so for a good long while.

I'm in the middle of writing a half-baked story where Rainbow tries to be loyal to herself. It's kinda' like dividing by zero, but with fanfiction. And don't get me started on what I did to Apples just before that...

Here, it's fun seeing Rainbow get mad at Spike for being disloyal, then on those grounds, leave him to wallow in self pity. It's just so contradictory, I luv it!

After all the feedback you gave me on my story, I figured the least I could do is give out a few of my thoughts about one of yours. :raritywink:

First of all, I like the premise. The scenario is fun and is written in a way that's believable for the characters involved. Celestia is making a bad decision for selfish reasons, but those reasons make sense. I also applaud your use of Pinkie's mane deflating without giving her multiple personality disorder. It's in my opinion one of the worse trope in the fandom, so kudos for using a fun show joke without ruining it.

The second chapter was a bit more hit and miss for me. I like the idea of the characters fighting each other, trying to find who to blame. Like you did for Celestia, I would like to see a Rainbow Dash or Rarity POV chapter that explains why they've been so rude to Spike. Rarity in particular felt a bit weird, as she's always been protective of him in the show. The whole baking thing at the beginning also distracted me from the real action. I was left asking myself why they're eating muffins when they should be discussing the more urgent situation. If you wanna show Spike baking to try and forget what happened, I would dedicate a scene to it. Just me though.

I did enjoy the reveal at the end. It's an interesting twist that again, fits with the events of the show. If things get as bad as when Trixie took over Ponyville in the show, it'll take a good excuse for Twilight not to return to Ponyville.

Anyway, good story, I enjoyed it and will keep reading. Little bit of a quick review, I hope it helps. :yay:

5679777
Celestia banished her only sister to the moon for a thousand years. She lost her prized student, Sunset Shimmer,by letting her vanity take over her judgement. She's lost so much that now she doesn't want the past to repeat itself. Put yourself in her shoes, if Twilight lost control of the situation that ponies got seriously injured, how deeply do you think it would've wounded her?

Rainbow Dash has an interesting element, the feeling of loyalty between all of her friends and how she's perceiving the situation as a betrayal by Spike will be done later. As for Rarity, I'm going to do a little chapter on that as well. It's something that bothers me with how I see Spike loving over Rarity but how she mostly uses him to do things for her.

Also, Trixie will have a more interesting and active role than you could imagine.

"But I was about to be tardy." :facehoof: Hello not the end of the world Twi. Now Princess Celestia is taking her back to Canterlot. Not good!

5714089
Yeah, that's been something that's bothered me about the whole episode. She had a mental breakdown over the whole situation of being late for an assignment. Twilight has always been the 'brains' of the group, always making the calculated decisions and able to identify how to fix it. However, the methods she uses to fix things (parasprites, Flutterbat, It's about time episode, Mare-Do-Well) has made me question what goes inside of that head of hers.
I don't want to paint the image that I hate this character, she does have some endearing traits. I just think that something is profoundly wrong with how she treats each situation and how she responds to it with blowing it up. That's mainly the reason why I started writing this story.

P.S. Your artwork is perfect for this story and I love your avatar. Hope you enjoy the rest of this story.

Like your story can't wait for your next update. :twilightsmile: I don't really like to point out mistakes, :fluttershysad: but... in some sentences like

Pointing an accusing hoof at the young drake, Rainbow's rose colored eyes began to turn blood red.

or

Fluttershy flew after the young drake at breakneck speed, messing every pony's manes and leaving behind a flurry of papers.

Shouldn't it be dragon not drake?

5714420 I like to compare Twilight to Dr. Frankenstein in that most of the time, she doesn't stop and think before she does something, which leads to her making a lot of stupid mistakes.

5714420 :twilightblush: Happy that you like it, thank you for the complement. :twilightsmile: I'm enjoying it so far even though it's a little sad right now. I bet Trixie is more of a minor villain in this story.

5726117
Wait and see, you may be surprised of her role in all of this.

Author's Note:
Cookie to anyone who gets the song in this one.

That's easy:
The Gambler, by Kenny Rogers.

Now, down to business:

With a quick sip of his drink, the grey unicorn flashed his friend a toothy smile. “Oh, one hundred percent. I have my contacts to keep anypony in our way, quiet. I need to build up the right amount of momentum to claim the title of Bearer of Magic. Just keep doing what you’re doing, It’ll be in your best interest. Now then, go on your way, I have ‘real’ friends coming over that I need to entertain.”

“No worries dearest sister,” replied the grey unicorn. “We’ll win over Twilight’s title soon enough and establish our hold next to our dear Celestia that our family once had.”

*snorts in derision* Yeah, dream on, spitwads. You don't become the Element of Magic like that, idiots.

But I just have the feeling that you're both gonna find that out...the hard way!

*chuckles then* I also get the sneaky feeling that the Element of Magic itself might have something to "say" when it comes to just its chosen Bearer is.

Ohhhhh, yeah. This is gonna be so much fun to watch when these two idiots fall flat on their faces in front of everyone.

And most especially, in front of Twilight and the other Bearers, as well as Princess Celestia.

i'm sorry, but that entire last bit had me laughing my ass off! 'claim her title?!' are they really that stupid!?! oh wait, they're nobles! of course they're that stupid! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

5782314
Have some milanos. So yeah, with the whole Element Bearer thing, I think some ponies still think of them as an actual legends rather than artifacts of ancient magic. Then we have some 'unique' individuals that would see element bearer as a title. Twilight and friends are famous and since she's Celestia student, ponies would think Bearer of Magic was a title given to her by Celestia.

5782349 Yep, me, too.

And I think that being inherently stupid is just part of being a Canterlot noble.

Goodness knows that outside of Fancy Pants, I've never seen any smart ones!

5783069 Ooooo, one of my favorites! Thank you! *accepts them and munches happily*

Also, my No. 1 favorite kind of music is country music, and I've been a huge fan of Mr. Rogers' music for years.

Now as the that other part of your response:

Hmmmm, makes sense.

Otherwise why would those two (idiots) even think that Celestia can just unilaterally strip Twilight of it, and give it to him?!

Something just tells me that, when he brings it up, our dear Princess of the Sun is going to very swiftly disabuse him, and his sister, of their very mistaken impression on the subject!

And I can't wait to see that happen!

Anyway, I swear, I think that my 10 year old Chihuahua is smarter than those two at the end of this!

(As a matter of fact, I know that he is!)

Oh, they're very "unique", alright!:facehoof:

Anyway, great chapter, and I can't wait to see what happens in the next one.

The Canterlot nobles clearly don't have brains.

"Doctor Travis Nigel Quill, commonly known as Doctor Tranquil to colleagues" I lol'd

Fun chapter. I like the therapist, he seems like a fun character, and I'm looking forward to more of him. There was definite tension in that dialogue, going back and forth between the poker game and the actual conversation. It kept me into the story, good job! :yay:

5783136
5789242
They're mostly high rolling, secretive, conniving individuals who want more than they need. It's not so much stupidity as ignorance is how I wanted to portray them. The see an opportunity to one up their peers and they're going to take it. The episode where Rarity goes to Canterlot is a prime example. They looked down on her until she's seen with Fancy Pants. Either the don't see the bearers as real heroes or they're ignorant of their significance.

5794318
When I was designing Quill, I needed to think of an appropriate polar opposite to Twilight. Someone with a level head with street smarts alongside the book smarts. They had to have a down to earth appeal to them for it to work. For Twilight's logical side, he had to be cunning, using a card game to gauge her thought process and see how she reacts to an outcome. You'll come to see more of him in the future, especially his past.

5789242 Gee, whatever made you think that?

:raritywink:

5796281 Ah, I see.

Well, you definitely succeeded with that.

Well, you have a point there.

Wonder how they'll react when they find out just how wrong they are?

That'll be interesting to see, methinks.

So two idiots are after a title they have no hope to get

As she continued to gloat to herself, she failed to see the Golden Oak’s Library door open. Spike made his way towards Trixie’s wagon, the tiny dragon’s eyes carrying a hidden rage that anypony in their right mind would fear.

Oh, yeah. You're toast, Trixie. You sure picked on heck of a time to bring your third-rate carnie show back to the one place in all of Equestria that you should've avoided like the proverbial plague.

Mainly because Spike's gonna show you, the hard and (likely) very fiery way why you should've.

I just hope that your medical insurance is paid up, girl. You're gonna need it before this is over.

well trixie your screwed :ajbemused:
i wonder if there will be anything left of trixie once spike is done with her:pinkiecrazy:

Not gonna review this since it isn't finished yet (but I hope you don't mind me making some comments anyway).

So... over the last two chapters, this story has gone in a different direction than I thought it would. Not necessarily a bad direction, but I admit, I was a little more interested in the idea of a Mane Six Civil War than I am in Canterlot nobles being idiots.
Though their appearance does make me wonder if Whitewolf and dawn seeker are right, and Trixie is just going to be a short, flame-broiled footnote in this story.

I have some small technical issues with the story, but a lot of it is just personal preference; I'm not usually fond of jumping between characters heads in different paragraphs (and is why I think chapter two and three were the best so far, since they focused on Celestia and Applejack). There were also a few lines in each chapter which I thought were thoughts but which weren't italicized where others were, which was a little distracting.

The characters are largely in character to me; the only exception I have is Rainbow (who is a bit more aggressive than I picture her) and Bulk (who is a bit too erudite)... but it's not really a case of being out of character, so much as different takes on them.
As an aside, I really liked the set-up when the Mane Six split, since I thought Rarity and Rainbow Dash's views were presented pretty sympathetically. I would have liked that to go on a while longer, or maybe for Applejack to be confronted with her own version of Bulk arguing the other side though.

I do like the idea of Bulk as Scootaloo's uncle, though. I might have to steal it.

Anyway, overall, I like this so far, and I'm going to keep an eye on it.

5877699
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised as to what I do with Trixie but you'll have to wait for the next chapter.

Keeping the characters to canon just seemed easy to me, I don't understand as to why people are praising me for it. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the comments, it just seems easy to understand the characters because I've seen the show. Also it's not hard to gauge a person's reactions with how a situation plays out. As for Rainbow Dash, I wanted her to be outright aggressive considering how she typically reacts to a situation by attacking it head on. She's the embodiment of loyalty, seeing a situation as a betrayal, would garner an explosive response. The situation with Bulk is that people may write him off as a meathead too often. For all we know, he could be a physical therapist or personal trainer.

With Scoots and Bulk being related, their odd wing situations just seemed to connect the dots in my head. I don't mind if you use it all.

How did you feel about Dr. T? Anything about him?

Hmm… :pinkiegasp: a grey unicorn! No, it couldn't be... could it? :applejackunsure: Hmm… yeah I'm probably wrong besides he doesn't have a sister. But… if not him who could it be?

5879580

Honestly, I don't have much of an opinion on him yet. I like the idea behind him - Twilight seeing or needing a therapist has been done before- but he didn't stand out yet.

Part of that is cynisim though. The 'unorthodox doctor who gets results' trope is one of those things that's present in lots of media, so having Twilight point out how strange his behaviour was seemed a little on the nose to me. I also wish we stuck in Twilights head, and got his observations of her solely from that perspective, but that's related more to my writing style preferences than the character himself.

5880918
Well this takes place in season 2. So, he's probably not who you think what he is if I thinking what you're thinking. I think?

5885714 If your thinking of "The Lord of Chaos" then, yeah.~hehe

"There's a big difference between loyalty and blind devotion, Rainbow Dash."

Apparently she can't tell the difference, can she?

5889092
Oh then it wasn't who I was thinking of. Can't say much more than that.

5889618 I get it don't want to spoil it for anybody.

5879580
Some people have praised me for sticking to canon personality as well, and I think I understand why. It's just that so many authors put their own interpretation of the characters ahead of what we know. How many times have we read about Twilight as some anime-type magical prodigy, completely ignoring how hesitant she is at using powerful magic? How many times have we seen Pinkie Pie having supernatural powers just cause she breaks the fourth wall for comedy purposes in the show? Those things are so widespread that just staying away from silly fanons and sticking to canon often brings praise.

Now, on to the chapter itself. Sorry if it took me a while to get to it, haha. I definitely enjoyed it. Both Rainbow and Rarity's reactions made sense. Rarity's section in particular did a good job of showing how her life goes on and the kind of thoughts she'd have after the event.

I found Bulk's take on the event to be interesting. He makes good points and, for me, his reaction justified a lot of the story, so good job there. I approve of making him Scootaloo's uncle, but why change Scootaloo's name? It's a detail, but it irked me a bit. In a bit of the same vein as my first paragraph, changes from canon should really only be done when absolutely necessary imo.

Trixie seems obnoxious as ever. I'm looking forward to what you have in store for her.

Finally, I lauged at "fluffing peeved." I might steal this for you the next time I need to have Rainbow Dash swear, haha.

5897675
Appreciate all that.
Ponies names are usually broken into two words that usually pertain to their talents. Scootaloo, to me, sounds more like a nickname rather than a real name. As for Bulk Biceps being her uncle, they both have a unique wing condition, it just literally popped into my head and I rolled with it.
Rarity is a difficult character for me to understand at times. She's the element of generosity and quite caring but at times I find it difficult to truly like her. The first time she met Twilight, she was head over heels about the fact she was from Canterlot, her dream of where the 'elite and privileged' live. That's just my take on her.

5899052
I actually did a pretty in depth character analysis for her when I wrote her first chapter for my own story. She's also my favorite character, so lemme know if you ever need Rarity help.

The thing about her is that she has very clear life goals and is constantly working towards them. As content creators, we all have something in common with her, in that we're passionate about something we're making. Did you ever have friends who just "didn't get" the whole fanfiction thing, or did you ever pass on other activities because you preferred writing? Thinking about these things definitely help in understanding what goes on inside Rarity's head.

Another interesting aspect to Rarity is that she's a bit of an outsider. Her and Rainbow are the two characters who have goals that would take them away from Ponyville. Unlike Rainbow who grew up in Cloudsdale and later decided to move to Ponyville, Rarity was born in the small town and actually wants to move to Canterlot. Rarity is more in her element when she's in Canterlot or Manehattan. That's not to say she doesn't like Ponyville, but she often tries to bring elements of the high society she loves to the town where the ponies she loves live.

This outsider aspect to her personality is also a strenght. She has connections and social skills unique amonst the main characters, with the possible exception of Celestia. While Celestia understands the finer points of etiquette and high society, Rarith thrives within those confines.

The one thing that puts people "off" about Rarity is her most glaring flaw: the selfishness. While it's true that she can be selfish and manipulative, those are flaws she's aware of and trying to overcome. They're obviously played for laughs in the show, which I know annoys some bronies to no end. As a writer, it's pretty much up to you how far you want to take those flaws. They're sometimes really exagerated (Sleepless in Ponyville) or entirely absent (Putting Your Hoof Down). Point is, it's possible to keep Rarity in character while still having room to play with this particular aspect of her personality. You seem to have a good grasp of it from your chapter.

Anyway, sorry about the rambling. Rarity is one of my favorite characters to write, so I love talking about it, haha.

5899239
Hmmm... You've given me something to think about. Yes, she does strive to obtain her goals yet a part of me wonders how far she takes it. When she went to Canterlot and got a room because of Celestia, she tried so hard to fit in with the society there. By chance, she meet Fancy Pants and his wife, Fleur. After that, it was a huge, parading around with a well known aristocrat and soaking in the spotlight ordeal. Rarity confuses and enraptures my attention, yet I wonder where she truly places her interest?
High society or the 'common' folk of Ponyville, which she wishes to educate in the upper crust.

5899352
That's the interesting thing. I think she likes the ponies of Ponyville over those in Canterlot, since they're her family and friends. However, she likes Canterlot's culture better. There's a lot of surface contradictions in Rarity's character that really make sense once you dig a bit deeper into her personality and personnal struggles. It's pretty much why I think she's best pony.

Bulk was nice, and I enjoyed him. What I enjoyed less was the way that Rainbow was made to be wrong by introducing the fact Scootaloo was having nightmares. It wasn't bad, it just struck me as a bit more of a feeble way to get Dash to look wrong. I would have preferred either that being foreshadowed a little, or even better, Bulk defending Spike's actions (maybe by saying that if Dash were unfit for service, he'd try to relieve her of duty) which might have had a little more impact.

It's still perfectly satisfactory, though. It's a case of me being annoyed at what's not done, as opposed to being annoyed at what was done.

Well, to answer this:

An ice cold wizard versus a dragon whose hearts burns with righteous indignation, who shall claim victory?

Spike. Callin' it now.

He'll put that pathetic would-be wizard in her place.:ajsmug:

Just watch.

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