DODO ITS ME!!!
Life just goes on.
I have always been pondered about how this world can keep bouncing back resiliantly. This life has seen many loses. My life is abnormal, and this is the story about my mysterious discovery.
This is my first write, plz comment but dont be to hard on me if it isnt good. Thx
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One first thing-- you should change the source to just: http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/200/9/0/mlp__luna_and_the_moon_by_cleventine-d40zst9.jpg
Anyways...
This seems like a pretty interesting concept. Instead of the standard human-into-Equestria story, we see Princess Luna coming over here. She has some kind of misson to fufill. And the protagonist is not an obsessive brony and seems to be overwhelmed. That's different than your usual fic.
You need to fix your typos and grammar errors. Just look over what you've written and make sure nothing has green or red squiggles under that shouldn't have them. I guess that's not very insightful of me to point out
Try not to use words redundantly: "...for now I want you to please help me find shelter for me so I can peacefully..." You probably shouldn't be using the word "me" twice here. It's awkward. Anyway, I saw that kind of stuff a couple of times.
The idea of the story seems pretty legit. You paint a character that can be easily identified with and create a sense of disorienting mystery. There are obviously a lot of unanswered questions at this point in the story.
I'm not really sure why some people are "closet bronies." Everyone I know (family, friends, and coworkers) knows I'm a brony and they're all cool with it.
537475
Yeah, I pretty much agree with all that.
Quite a lot of spelling errors and the like, but that's nit-picking so I won't go there.
And yes as said before, definitely a nice twist for the most part.
However ... there are a lot of parts ripped straight from "My Little Dashie". I mean come on,the whole turning the area into a factory thing with the desolate neighborhood?
Other than that, not bad.
Hate to sound patronizing or anything, but dang I feel sorry with you having so many downvotes... It's your first story so don't let it get you down.
Sorry if this isnt that good, i have been busy with school and stuff. I might go a bit crazy
ok i just got done editing it tell me now what u think.
thx for the other replies that helped a lot, im an okay speller, but i cant really type while looking up so i look at the keys so it is hard for me to spot some of my mistakes, that is where you guys come in. Helping me make this into a better fanfic.
Hey everyone, just so you guys know, chapter 2 is in production, as in im in the middle of writing it, i will comment when i finish hope u like
for those wondering, im sorry for publishing it, then depublishing it, its just that my friend, co-owner of this fan fic is reading it, so i wanted him to see what i am adding in, i am almost done and going to publish it, so plz be a bit patient
CHAPTER 2 IS NOW PUBLISHED.
Hopefully this time there aren't as many mistakes, i was careful this time while writting it, still plz comment if you see anything or have any questions on parts.
I'm so happy i got this done
Feels really short, and the story didn't advance significantly. Hopefully the next chapter provides some more ... well... excitement.
Other than that, not bad.
thx. the next chapter will
sneack peack:
In the next chapter I will introduce the main character's name, and his friends name. The three of them will explore into the mysterious forest from first chapter, and find something strange.
that is all im going to say.
and to be honest, i just made this part up and started writting it in the past like hour and a half
everyone i wanted to tell you all that there isn't a pattern with me posting chapters, ive been doing school testing so i have had a lot of free time at hand. i will start thinking up chapter 3 tomorrow
Sorry about unpublishing chapter 3 im fixing/adding on to it hope you are excited
Ok finished uploading it, it is now revised and i added on to it
Best high ever!
ya that was kinda terrible with "the we need to find a stone" and the "theres monsters there" and "lets call my friend who I don't know if he's a borny or not and ask him to go on a mission that will probobly kill him with a friend and a pony"
Best high ever!
not sure if that is a compliment or not, but thank you because i am taking it as one
537475
I dont import this from googls docs, i just write it from here, so i dont see any red or green squiggly lines under words so that is why i ask you guys to tell me
The fourth chapter will be prosponed for a bit, I promised my friend, not co-leader in lunar rainbow, but a friend from school, and she wants me to write one that meets her expectations, so im going to have that as my project for now, but i definitly still have Lunar Rainbow in mind for chapter 4. Hope you guys aren't mad at me for doing this
, but it would mean a lot for her.
aside from the spelling errors, I think this is great story so far. keep it up!
616148 thanks, this one was my first write, i just published another one called: Forbidden Technique if you want you can check it out