• Member Since 20th Jun, 2013
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Test4Echo


"The measure of a life is a measure of love and respect, so hard to earn, so easily burned. In the fullness of time, a garden to nurture and protect."


T
Source

Canterlot is experiencing some of the coldest weather it's had for the past few winters. The Christmas break has just finished and the thoughts of the holiday are starting to fade.

After the first day back to school, Sunset Shimmer runs across one of the Dazzlings, homeless and starving. On such a dangerously cold night, she takes compassion on the Siren and brings her home. Can her experiences help bring Aria out of the gutter? Will the Siren accept her help or, perhaps, her friendship?






Partly influenced by the insanely cold weather that my area experienced earlier this month.

Thanks to AShadowOfCygnus for pre-reading.

Cover art is ~Aria Blaze ~ by lorrainiaful. Used with permission.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 68 )

so far I like this, i'll be following it :)
you mentioned you're area was cold as of late, where ya from?

I hadn't really kept count, but you're right: Aria seems to be the middle child, so to speak, in this particular dynamic.

Baby steps, indeed. But the best redemption stories are anything but instantaneous, and this one was nicely done.

Actually, it's definitely a nice change of pace for having an Aria redemption story. :pinkiesmile:

Very nice, cute little story :3 I will admit; Aria was an odd choice to be the 'redeemed' one. I've seen it done with the other Sirens, but not her!

Interesting. Nice to see more Aria stories around. Will have a look at this after I have get some sleep.

"Do have a place to sleep?"

You accidentally the subject.

I like that Aria's getting some love, even if your dialogue tags can be incredibly grating (Seriously. They don't all need to have the characters doing lots of things.)

>leaving Aria alone in your apartment
I have a bad feeling about this :unsuresweetie:

Sunset's reaction at the end seemed a bit over-the-top, especially since Rarity didn't even say anything.

"They were the only thing to family I knew!"

You accidentally a word.

I wanted to like this story, and while I did have a good time reading it, I just didn't enjoy it that much. Your dialogue tags were wordy, telly (they often told us things the dialogue just showed us), and ultimately detracted from the impact of the dialogue.

I like the concept, but I think you could've done better.

I felt that the story was insanely rushed and feels unfinished. There are just so many time gaps with this story. Like, in this chapter, we learned it was Adagio who left Aria to die. If some form of foreshadowing was used, it could have been more fun to read from the previous chapters.

There are a couple sentences that are worded incorrectly as csquare has pointed out.
Also, you used words glare, stare, stared way too much. It can draw attention away from the reader if similar words are used over and over.

When Sunset exploded at her three friends, it wasn't even much of a conversation.
I wish that it would have been done better. Her sudden outburst was a bit much.

Also, how did Aria not know Sunset? They already knew about her even before they showed up at CHS. Also, i wish that Aria could have shown a bit more resistance in chapter one. At the same time, you made her to OOC throughout chapt one and two.

There are many things wrong with the story that it didnt really draw me away because im curious.
Stories like this one deserve better than this. Im not really upset about it.. Im just dissipointed is all.

Im not sure of when these chapters were written. Either at the same time or dates inbetween.

Reagrds,

-Shy

It'd be nice if this kind of stuff could involve someone other than Sunset Shimmer as the active party, although it is nice to see people try it with each of them though.

Short and somewhat cliche at times, especially regarding how and where Sunset meets the Dazzlings and the reactions they have to each other. There's a fair amount of interaction with Aria (could be more, but it seems adequate), but not as much as I would think there could/should be with her friends. Also, bringing the other two Dazzlings into this in such a rushed manner really doesn't do anything for the story or them. I'd advise either writing more of this story or breaking off this story at the second chunk of chapter 4 (delineated by ***) and making the rest of the chapter the beginning of a new story. Up to that part, it feels like a passable short story. -- The overall quality of the writing feels like it could still use some work, but I can't quite pin down what it is that gives me that impression.

This was a fun read for me! I always like these slice of life stories, plus Aria is my favorite of the Dazzlings. I do wish that this story was slowed down a bit. It seemed to end before it should have. But it's a small nitpick. Well done.

s6.postimg.org/dd47s96ap/Pirate_Approved.jpg

Nice to see Aria getting some time in the spotlight, :twilightsmile:

if this was a book i'd buy it with much excitement, well done, well done indeed.

5561917 I don't really want to give out too much. I'll only say I live in Canada.

5561967 I'm glad you liked it.:twilightsmile:

5562174 It is, isn't it? I will admit, I only know of one other one, yet it's significantly shorter than this.

5562253 Thanks. Glad you liked it.

5563122 I'm glad that you enjoyed it. Yeah, at points this probably was rushed. The problem is that I only had so much of an idea for writing it, and at points I just couldn't think of what to write that would even out the pacing.

5563137 Aria needs more love, doesn't she? Also thanks for the pirate approval.:rainbowwild:

Rush and Pony on!
T4E

5563629 Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

5562635 Woops, guess I'll have to fix that.:twilightoops: Thanks for your critique, and I'll make sure take them into account when I write in the future, although some of it might fall down to my own style of writing.

5562848 Thank you for your critique. I don't feel that the story was rushed all the way through, although at points I probably could have done some better pacing, and you're right, I could have done some foreshadowing.

I've got nothing about the use of glare, stare, and stared. I couldn't really think of any good synonyms for them and get across the same idea.

I don't believe at any point I showed that Aria didn't know Sunset, it's just that the Dazzlings never actually introduced themselves to any of the cast of RR. Aria's name isn't even referred to at all in the course of the film, only in the credits. Sunset was just trying to have a new base to start off with. Also, as much as I love the Dazzlings, they never really had much in the way of character to begin with, so any liberties in character interpretation on my part could make them feel OOC.

This was originally a single chapter, then I had more ideas, so I expanded it into multiple chapters, then I got a pre-reader, who gave me many edits to do; so this whole thing was written both at the same time (when I was writing the new chapters) and on different days (when I was doing needed edits).

5562996 Thanks for your advice. Unfortunately, ideas come rarely for me, so I don't have any plans on changing the ending here, as I can't think of anything that would lead into another story. :applejackunsure:

Rush and Pony on!
T4E

5562567

I don't know about over the top, but it felt rushed - Sunset isn't the type to just explode like that. Might have worked better if the argument got to build up more.

I'll add to the "nice to see Aria having some spotlight" sentiment. Love seeing that.

And it's also nice to hear that a thing I did inspired someone else to do a thing. ;)

Lyi

Could you possibly make a sequel? I think it deserves one...it's so good!

I like this. Hope a sequel's coming.

5566725 5565665 I'm glad you enjoyed it and think it warrants a sequel. However, at the moment, I don't have one planned; good ideas come very infrequently to me, so, for now, this is a stand-alone story.

5563910 Sorry you thought it was rushed. Doesn't everyone have days where their patience just runs out and they explode at people? That's pretty much what Sunset was experiencing here, although I suppose I could have communicated that better.:applejackunsure:

Rush and Pony on!
T4E

Dan

Adagio= angry psycho.
Aria= stoic ice queen who goes along with her.
Sonata= cute and bubbly ditz tagalong.

Kind of like
fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/216/9/1/azula__s_gang_by_punker__rocker-d59nawo.png

5563910
Might have been building up even before they met. Add is the stress with dealing with Aria...

Over all pretty well done, and I honestly like that you picked the forgotten member of the Dazzelings. This wasn't without flaws though, and I do think it was a bit rushed at points

5567693
You don't actually have to start with good ideas. ;P I suspect that this difficulty is why more than a few seem to turn to shipping Sunset and one of the Dazzlings as the driving force. Still, making friends seems like a valid story topic, all you have to do is determine where conflict could arise and decide if it does/should/will and then find a way to resolve it. Some of the better stories on here are simply conflict+resolution over and over, sometimes in the service of moving towards a larger conflict which will be more permanently resolved.

Most people can and do explode at people on occasion, although not always in the same ways. I believe the point is that the build-up is not well expressed, making it seem as though she is beating the heck out of Rarity for nothing. -- I'm not quite sure which point in the story is being referred to, though.

5570658 Admittedly, that is one problem that I face as a writer: keeping a story long enough, while not feeling drawn out or conversely, rushed. But hey, that's what practicing and having editors is for, right?

I see Sunset exploding at her friends in chapter 3 actually aimed primarily at RD, with her other two friends caught in the crossfire, but I probably could have built it up better, regardless.

Thanks for your feedback.:twilightsmile: Every story has problems: some just have more than others. However, I've had quite a bit of fun writing this, and I feel what's done is done. I'm not planning to do any major edits to this story, just minor ones for fixing grammar, missing words, or the like.

Rush and Pony on!
T4E

5570005 Glad that you liked it overall. Considering I can only think of one redemption story that involves Aria, I'm glad that I could contribute to that small collection of writings (she needs so much more love).

Yeah, this probably had points that were a bit rushed. Hindsight 20/20, right?:twilightblush:

Rush and Pony on!
T4E

5573774
True, and it really something that even the bed writers have trouble with.

I think it is a wonderful story, but in no way it can be called complete.

5575123 Well, it was the story of Aria's redemption. The scene near the end was to basically show how much Aria changed. I did leave it open-ended, in case I could think up a sequel. The main point of the story is told, though, so I consider it complete.

I'm glad that you enjoyed it, and think it warrants more, though. :twilightsmile:

Rush and Pony on!
T4E

5575654 Well, speaking of Aira's reforming... I personally think it was a bit too fast. I think you should have tried to make the process a little deeper, express the inner conflict happening within Aria a bit better.

not in that way; get your head out of the gutter!

But the gutter is such a wonderful place to be. All this icky… I am guessing this is slime. Maybe?

Taking Arias pendant was a bitch move, Sunset. It's already broke , don't you think it's just sentimental now? It was wrapped in the only thing Aria has to remind her of sonata and Adagio.

Arias decision was obviously to start singing and dancing show tunes as Sunset walks through the door.

Hello my baby,
Hello my darling,
Hello my ragtime gaaal!

Comment posted by Dagi Dazzle deleted Apr 11th, 2015

Wooooohoooo! That. was. AWESOME! You did amaaaaaaaazing!
*Applause!*
I'm happy to have read this 'un.

I would ask what instruments the Dazzlings took up. (Ex. Aria with guitar, etc.)

5958982 Never fully thought on that, as at the time, I made it as a way for Aria to vent her frustration and to enjoy music in another way. However, Adagio I could see teaching vocals, even if she can't sing any more. Sonata I'd actually find interesting if she took up drumming.

Those are just my thoughts. I trust you enjoyed the story. :twilightsmile:

Rush and Pony on!
T4E

5959592 I did enjoy the story....but I kinda agree with some of the comments in that the ending felt a little rushed. Maybe if you make a sequel/more chapters, it could be a bit better. Just my honest opinion.

I love the Aria who actually gives out hugs though.

Even with the slightly rushed ending, zip have to say, I enjoyed this story. The progression of Aria was well executed. Sunset's response to Trixie was one of my favorite parts. I love her reaction. It was great. Nice writing :twilightsmile:

Sorry, 'zip' was supposed to be 'I'. Dang auto-correct

6242714 Thanks. I'm glad you liked it. :twilightsmile: Looking back at the ending, yeah, I could definitely have improved it. Hindsight is 20/20, right? I'm also glad that you liked Sunset's encounter with Trixie, I had some fun writing that. :rainbowlaugh:

Rush and Pony on!
T4E

Well, well, I've seen you around before, your name being the thing that caught my eye because Rush is one of my all-time favorite bands, but who knew you could write! This is a pleasant surprise! I think I'm going to binge read this before finally going to sleep.

5746792
Agreed. I can't get passed Sunset taking something like that. It's blatantly obvious that it means something to Aria, so why can't she notice the context clues and figure out that that might be something personal and not nefarious.

Sunset really lost her cool there. I think that while she has a point, she could have handled that situation quite a bit better.

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