I am a Zebra... Not many ponies accept me into there town, so once i found one called 'New AppleLoosa' i joined a buisness... I was a sniper for hire... My name is Kalin and this is my story...
I can't say this story is bad, but it is in need of polishing in some places.
- I'm with 5462179, you don't need the crossover-tag, if you don't intend to make a crossover of Fallout Equestria and something else. Additionally I don't think you need the AU tag either, again, unless you're doing an alternate Fallout Equestria universe.
- One of the biggest issues I have is your excessive use of "I" as the start of a sentence. Vary a bit, it looks much better. Make dependent clauses and so on. It doesn't make the story bad, having a lot of different ways to open a sentence just looks more professional.
- You should pay attention to your capitalization. Especially the "I"s, you've got a lot of those, so make sure they are done properly.
- Sometimes you missword things, such as
I cheeked my old pocket watch
, pay attetnion to those things and make sure you really write down what you intended to write down.
- The chapter names... if you don't give them individual names, make it at least "Chapter 1" or "Chapter One", don't do a double dot as if "1" would be the name of your chapter. It looks really weird.
- The story feels... quick... and that's most likely due to its low word count. I don't say it's a bad thing. If someone manages to tell a good tale with few words, I'm fine with that, but I still would recommend to make the chapters a bit longer.
The thing I would correct the most if I were you is the capitalization of you "I"s. It something very basic even we as speakers of foreign languages learn very early in our life. It's really important, just believe me.
On a different note: Welcome to the awesome world of Fallout Equestria and Fallout Equestria byproducts. Check out the link our G-Man gave to you and since you already are under my genjutsu continue writing. It's the only way we as authors can improve.
I can't say this story is bad, but it is in need of polishing in some places.
- I'm with 5462179, you don't need the crossover-tag, if you don't intend to make a crossover of Fallout Equestria and something else. Additionally I don't think you need the AU tag either, again, unless you're doing an alternate Fallout Equestria universe.
- One of the biggest issues I have is your excessive use of "I" as the start of a sentence. Vary a bit, it looks much better. Make dependent clauses and so on. It doesn't make the story bad, having a lot of different ways to open a sentence just looks more professional.
- You should pay attention to your capitalization. Especially the "I"s, you've got a lot of those, so make sure they are done properly.
- Sometimes you missword things, such as
, pay attetnion to those things and make sure you really write down what you intended to write down.
- The chapter names... if you don't give them individual names, make it at least "Chapter 1" or "Chapter One", don't do a double dot as if "1" would be the name of your chapter. It looks really weird.
- The story feels... quick... and that's most likely due to its low word count. I don't say it's a bad thing. If someone manages to tell a good tale with few words, I'm fine with that, but I still would recommend to make the chapters a bit longer.
The thing I would correct the most if I were you is the capitalization of you "I"s. It something very basic even we as speakers of foreign languages learn very early in our life. It's really important, just believe me.
On a different note:
Welcome to the awesome world of Fallout Equestria and Fallout Equestria byproducts. Check out the link our G-Man gave to you and
since you already are under my genjutsucontinue writing. It's the only way we as authors can improve.5471476 Thanks for the tips. I really need a editor but i am sure i could fix that stuff my self.