Vidi Terram Novam, Vidi Caelum Novum. Terram, Terram Novam in Hanc Vitam! Mazda descedentem et absterget omnia dolori lacrimas!
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Luisa Arjani has been living on Earth for eight years now, as a common little girls with little to no worries. But, after a troubled and long night, Luisa has found herself in the equine body of Diamond Tiara. This is Luisa's lifetime adventure...
Or is it?
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I'm still waiting for "A Jewel of a Problem" to finish this concept, but I'll gladly read this one too.
A few typos("bluter" was rather amusing), and you really do not need to go into that kind of detail when describing the process of elimination(Is this some sort of pathological quirk?), and the general effect of sloppy translation makes it hard to enjoy(Do you write this in Italian and translate it to English, or do you write this in English but think in Italian?), but I'd say it has definite potential.
5454684
Well, I do tend to go baroque at least once a chapter. Unfortunately, the situation that I wished to be baroquely described was this.
I think it in English to be honest, but I keep forgetting about the different sentence structure of English.
5454726 Ah, the intermediate period in which the concepts are in proper order but the paradigm has yet to catch up.
If I destroy Diamond Tiara, would it take Luisa too?
... I LOVE IT! IT NEEDS MORE!
Yes.
What manner of deity is this?
5549517
Zoroastrianism's.
5551160 Good choice. Not many active practitioners around to take offence, and the set of historical practitioners happens to include a Messiah.
Note: History is not to be conflated with archaeology.
And this is why small children should not be given psychotropic drugs!(
)
Anyway, an interesting idea. Not sure why people don't write more about children in this situation. A bit of a dull start, but promising. I'd say this is a bit awkward, but I see English appears to be your second language, so that gets a pass.
Being.
Nice work. May need an editor to work out some of the phrasing. Diamond really shone through now that we have her POV. Not sure if the bone of contention here is Flight to the Finish or something else.
... Shouldn't you be smiting guys with brain-eating snakes growing from his shoulders?
Anyway, nice little school scene. You kind-of lost me at the end, though I must admit this is the first reference to the Yataza I've seen in horsewords. I'll be tracking this.
5554557
I am already looking for one. Also, thanks for tge correction.
It is
The Gatekeepers of Baal,
They dare not sit or lean,
But fume and fret and posture
And foam and curse between;
For being bound to Baal,
Whose sacrifice is vain,
Their rest is scant with Baal,
They glare and pant for Baal,
They mouth and rant for Baal,
For Baal in their pain!
an interesting premise.
though i noticed a few odd things.
Mainly,
So... is that a ham made of mushroom or are you saying diamond eats meat?
Why does diamond say, my butler, to the butler. it makes it sound like she's talking to him as if he wouldn't know that. Was she meant to be telling Luisa?
5739194
The ham is made out of mushrooms.
Nope. Thought that it was a common form of informal curtesy even in English.
Well, wouldn't it be a huge drama killer if Luisa is now to be DT's silent, inner slave?
6236367
Hence the "Cancelled." Realized it too late and gave up.
6236855
I do believe that this story can be easily rescued, just by rewriting some portions of this chapter:
A) Modify the conclusion of the battle for her soul from "Ashura Madza and (the devil) both lost your soul, and it was flung away" to "Ashura Madza was losing the battle, and so flung your soul into a ready container". Then explain that the definition of a ready container was a being that matched her light with shadow. Or her good karma with bad karma.
B) He does give her a mission of basically trying to be a helpful, undisruptive guest, but gives her an important corollary that she is still an acolyte of Ashura Madza, and as such should be vigilant against evil and wickedness.
C) Say that Ashura Madza has come into contact with the local goddesses, but that the princesses told Madza that her soul remains far too 'worn' from the transit, and will need to rest a month before it can be separated. That meanwhile, Luisa is to try and improve the karma of her container, so to make the separation easier.
D) You may have DT not remember the angel's visit. It opens up more drama if she doesn't.
E) A few chapters ago Laura was capable of overriding DT briefly to try and say "Hi" to the Crusaders. Not something to correct, but something to keep in mind.
F) You may wish to relocate the angel's scene to happening while they were asleep, and you may wish to go back a few chapters and pepper mentions of Laura waking up and finding out that DT is still asleep inside their shared mind.
G) Do you really need that part about DT having to snog a relative? That part gives total control of Laura to DT!
The first point is basically a direct blow against DT's ego, for her to then go in furious denial about for the forceable future. Or, if you decide that DT cannot remember this vision, gives Laura rightfulness on her actions.
The second still keeps Luisa behaving, but gives leeway for Luisa to stop the bullying. And the third gives incentive for her to be proactive on making DT into a good girl. Say that, even at the tender age of eight, Laura has the mental fortitude to at paralize or even override DT's mind over her body for a few seconds/minutes every few hours. I can easily imagine a few scenes about this:
1) DT (and Luisa) overhears Scootaloo saying that she has no lunch, and mentally gloats as she's about to toss away half of her own huge lunch. Laura gets angry at DT and overrides her, then rapidly drops DT's half-eaten lunch in front of Scootaloo and runs away.
2) DT and Silver Spoon are out and about in town, window shopping and eating out. Suddenly come the Crusaders at their usual high speed, and Silver Spoon comes up with a quick plan to shove Scootaloo and send the three of them into a puddle of mud. Have Laura override DT at the last possible second and either not do her part, actively hamper Silver from carrying out her plan, or step in front of Scootaloo rather than shove her. The action shuns Silver Spoon, and this last scenario could even come accompanied by Laura saying to DT something wise like "Those who wish pain on others are the most deserving of pain".
3) In the Rich's household, have Mr and Mrs Rich call DT to tell her that their accountant told them that they can deduct this many bits from their taxes, and that they want to spend them on renovating and enlarging her room. She's totally elated, but some hours later, Laura remembers that off-hand mention about Scootaloo needing some costly surgery and tells DT. DT doesn't care, so Laura waits until DT is asleep (or wakes up before DT does) and goes to knock on the Master bedroom to ask DT's parents to better use the renovation money on sponsoring Scoot's operation.
4) A few random acts of kindness, like DT seeing that somepony's saddlebag spilled out that somepony's purse or a portion of their groceries, and Laura off-handedly overrides DT and shouts at that somepony.
5) A few times that Laura puts manners on DT's mouth, handing out thanks and greetings to random ponies that DT considers "beneath her notice". Or paralyzes her mouth before DT can say something snide or hurtful.
With a few more override scenes, the thing can gain momentum until DT stops trying to be intentionally hurtful, loses Silver Spoon's toxic friendship, and starts doing nice things on her own volition. DT grows confused at how random ponies are beginning to smile at her, and becomes popular among her classmates simply from no longer having a rod up her ass. She's also praised by her parents, who express their pride at her improved attitude and reward her by renovating her room out of their own pocket. She even discovers that the Crusaders are pretty fun to hang out with when they aren't obsessing with their blank flanks!
This way, you could finish the story in three or four more chapters, with DT having grown to like being nice, and even beginning to do stuff specifically for Luisa's sake, like asking Scoots for one of her wild rides on the red wagon. And just as she has grown to truly like having Luisa inside her head, comes Princess Luna in their dreams and removes Luisa's soul out of DT's mind. Tearful goodbye, as they had really grown to like each other. DT wakes up crying, but quickly composes herself as she remembers that the Crusaders want to try zip-lining today. She picks up her new helmet and rushes out to Sweet Apple Acres. END.
Alternate ending: Luisa and DT absolutely refuse to be separated, and the spell to separate them needed their cooperation. Luna resolves the situation by either giving them equal control over their entire body, or by giving each of them absolute control over one side of their shared body. She may separate their heads, or may leave them with a single one. Either way, Luisa and DT wake up to find that their left flank has become blank, or has a different Cutie Mark. They hug themselves, then rise to face a new day.
Well yeah, you did paint yourself into a corner with this story.
I see I had read the first chapter already, not sure if I liked it or not, but it is sad to see it cancelled. Are there more interessting stories with more unusual characters than the main six?
Like DIamond here, Gilda and some other background characters? I take suggestions for normal body changes too, I just prefer to avoid those (hey I have the original pony in my head) stories.
6240198
I have just read a part of your comment, this is cancelled anyway but if you still can answer me a question please.
Is this a story where the main char get's kind of bullied by some god character that had put him in that body and is demanding he acts the way either Diamon Tiara would have done it or that the "god" is focing him to act the way he wants it?
I had actually hoped I would get to read her having some kind of free will, but no matter what they are going to say, I don'T think that is a complete free will when they are forced to act in a fixed way.
Like when characters are turned into Cadance, probably male and are forced to marry Shining, by hormones that look pretty odd when they are fighting the characters mind and "Lauren (or any other name you could give a god again), that are forcing him to do it.
I stopped at the your on television part of the story, I admit I skipped trough it to get an feeling for the story and even if I'm not sure with which pony she was talking, that was nothing I really wanted to read this time.