• Member Since 29th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen Jun 20th, 2019

sadittarius


E

Applejack took Winona on a walk.

She didn't know that this would happen.

And it was all her fault.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 21 )

Beautiful. My only complaint being it seems short and a bit rushed.

The story is good, but there are some serious writing flaws that prevent this from being great. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome and other major flaws can be found in this sentence of your story and more:

"Applejack ran a hoof over her ponytailed mane, then turned her body to face the oncoming ball of brown and white fluff that was sprinting at top speed toward the orange earth pony."

The words that have been bolded for you should be replaced with the simple pronoun "her". There are other examples of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, but you should find the rest for yourself.

Another odd writing flaw can be found in these sentences:

"Applejack awoke with her, lifting up her hat and placing it on the ground. 'You okay, Winona?'
Winona didn't answer."

How could Winona answer? She's a dog!!

Also, this is either confusing writing or bad grammar:

"Just when she was about to, Winona came running up and barked, weaving in between Applejack's legs."

Just as she was about to do what? You can't have an incomplete prepositional phrase; they're sentence fragments and make no sense.

And the icing on the cake is this terrible case of movie trailer speech right here:

"Little did Applejack know, that would be one of the most fateful choices of her whole life."

This sentence is silly and takes the audience out of the story. Delete that sentence; you're much better off without movie trailer speech.

Like I said, the story itself is good. I like the idea of Applejack losing Winona, but if this story is to be taken seriously, you need to address the pretty serious writing flaws I have mentioned up there. If you make these changes, this story could be great.

5451089
Thanks, I've noted what's been said and will correct my mistakes ASAP. :raritywink:

5451081
5450824
Thank you both. :twilightsmile:

My description of this story is that it's horribly amazing. I can't even imagine what it would be like if my dog got hit by a car.

I can almost relate a little to this story. Well, part of it-- the part just before the hit. My version has a happy ending, though. One winter, my family was out shoveling the driveway while our beagle, Charlie, was out with us (because he has separation anxiety issues, he never stops whining and barking if even one person leaves the house [or even the room] for even a split second without him, much to the aggravation of everyone else still inside). The next door neighbors were using a Bobcat to clear their driveway. Charlie, a dog already known for making poor decisions, ran over to their side to sniff and pee on the snow piles. The Bobcat was backing up towards him, but because beagles have a one-track mind, he didn't notice it (or our urgent calls), and because beagles are so small, neither did the driver.

Luckily, he finished his business and left at the last possible second. Needless to say, we put him inside after that and warned those still inside that it was for his own safety.

I'm crying because my dog was hit when I was 6 and it was the last day of 1st grade. The driver was driving 45 in a 25 mph zone. Plus the driver didn't even stop to see what happened. :fluttercry:

I love the story though. Keep up the good work! :pinkiesmile:

5451323
Horribly amazing= a good thing. :raritywink:

5451359
I'm mentally cheering for Charlie :pinkiesmile:

5451553
If I could hug you right now, I would. :fluttercry:

A big shout out to everyone: I'm writing another story as we speak! Don't worry, it's not sad. :rainbowwild:

This reminds me of the time me and some friends were watching Old Yeller, and when they shot the dog (oops, spoilers!), I stood up and growled, in my best Unreal Announcer voice,

One girl broke my nose for that. So worth it.

Good memories.


Anyway, the fic wasn't bad, either.

5451580 I don't know if "cheering" is the right thing to do, considering his track record for the aforementioned bad decisions. Some examples: He once tried to intimidate a whitetail deer buck, but his attempts to hide his own intimidation weren't fooling anyone, including the deer. That was hilarious. Nowadays, he's become territorial in his old age, but all other male dogs in the family are more than twice his size. That doesn't stop him from trying to pick a fight if we don't keep him separated from them. Remember what I said about his separation anxiety, and that he never shuts up when it sets in? Yeah...

5452081 :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:
Thanks for the compliment on the fic. :3

5452084

He once tried to intimidate a whitetail deer buck, but his attempts to hide his own intimidation weren't fooling anyone, including the deer. That was hilarious.

:facehoof: :rainbowlaugh:

May you rest in doggy heaven winona. Rest in peace

Fuck, the timing of this. My dog literally just died yesterday, or I suppose it would be two days ago now, not a car thankfully, she was just old, but still.

5454495
I hope you feel better soon. :fluttercry:

it was sad but a good story.

ive experienced the same thing, except it wasn't a car; it was a coyote. it was one morning when I was I think in fourth grade. my mom brought my dog outside after I left for school and when I got home, my parents told me when I noticed our dog was missing.

:fluttercry:

I love this piece. Maybe it could have been a tad bit longer, with more detail, but at the same time I know that more detail would push me over the edge to cryville lol

I've had many, many dogs in my life. I will, however, always remember my Casey. Passed away from kidney failure almost 14 years ago now.
Thanks for writing a beautiful piece. Keep up the great work!


If anyone were to take advice from me, this is what I would wish it to be.
That it matters not what others may say. What matters most is the passion you put into your work, day by day.
-Scuba12

Wow, this was really good. It didn't make me cry, although, it did make me remember the good times I had with my dog 'Echo'. :ajsleepy:
I think it had just the right pace, well done and "Rest In Peace, Winona":fluttershysad:

I like it. :pinkiehappy: My only complaint, though, is that a feel like this should've been longer. Nonetheless, this was pretty good. :twilightsmile:

This story reminds me of my dog Maddie.:fluttercry: And the time my foot got run over by my moms car.:rainbowderp:

So beautiful. I love the ending.

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