19 - Risk vs Reward
Spike and Twilight stood before a well dressed human. They had not met him before that morning. Considering the town, it was not surprising to learn that the human had managed to become leader of this chapter of the Seekers. He nodded at them and began speaking, breaking the awkward silence.
"You didn't follow the orders," he said. Twilight opened her mouth and he held up a hand flat to her, "But you got the job done, with less collateral than we expected. The people you rescued practically swore your praises, and, indirectly, that of the Seekers as a whole. You did a good thing, both of you."
The two began to relax, but he continued right on, "But. Do you understand why we have the rules we do? We want to keep everyone safe, and that means everyone following the rules."
Twilight shuffled in place, hoofs shuffling on the floor, "Well, you see. I had Under Score look at Spike first. Things had changed."
The man raised a brow, "Did they? Do go on."
Twilight folded her ears back, "Spike was hurt, and walking with a bunch of pon... people, and they were hurt too. I went to help them."
He nodded slowly, "Entirely reasonable. In fact, I commend your swift action to protect your friend, but you made no move to inform the rest of the Seekers of this."
Twilight gave a nervous laugh as she looked away, flushed in her cheeks.
"And you," said the man, leveling a finger at Spike, "You were told to raze the camp and return. That was very specific. Instead you return days late by foot."
Spike found the ground fascinating as he mutters, "I couldn't just leave them there..."
He shook his head, "I suppose you couldn't. You're good people. As it turns, Under Score was kind enough to inform us. The client was quite pleased when the good Score showed him images of the devastated camp. He left the payment in our care and left with quite the smile on his face." He gestured at them, "Relax. You've been chastised enough, it's time for the better part?"
"Better?" asked Spike, looking up.
"Well," spoke the chapterhead, "You were assisted by another Seeker. Regulation says they have to share in the haul. But, from what I've been told of you two, you probably won't see that as much of a problem."
The two shook their head quickly as Twilight spoke, "Of course not."
"It's always nice to see Seekers who are friends," spoke the man as he moved behind his finely crafted desk and took a seat. "The client left a bonus when he saw you helping the slaves. Apparently he has some bad blood with the practice. I won't go into details out of respect, but it means there's plenty here to divide. I took the liberty of converting it to jewels, as it was too heavy to carry around without making a scene."
He drew out a bag and spilled out a small pile of glittering diamonds that shone in the light of the well-lit room, drawing the eyes of the two friends. Spike's mouth watered with the memory of the exquisite taste of diamonds, however rarely he got to sample one of the rarer gems, especially of such size and cut.
"I think," continued the chapterhead, "It's time you both took some time to get yourselves properly equipped for members of your level of training. Your mentors have been nothing but compliments regarding the speed of your learning. We want to give you work worthy of you, but you're both operating basically naked."
Spike scratched behind his head as he asked, "Where... and what do we get?"
The human directed at the ground, "Under Score's a start. He knows his way about artificing, but he gets called out on tasks on his own when he's not busy tutoring the next generation. Ask around, make friends. It's good that you're friendly with your mentors, but the Seekers are an extended family. It's time you got to know the rest of us. By the way, I'm Reginald Duvois, a pleasure."
They each said their name in turn and he offered a hand over the table. Spike easily took it and shook it, while Twilight had to rear up before she could offer her hoof to be shaken.
"See, that isn't so hard. We don't bite. I expect to hear you two getting around. You're off for the next week, make the most of it." He shooed them off.
Spike scooped the diamonds back into the bag and grabbed it up, and they were out in the hallway shortly after. Twilight peeked in the bag, gazing at the glittering mess, "How much is that all worth?" she asked quizzically. Spike had no idea, and shrugged cluelessly.
"Why don't we ask?" offered Spike.
Twilight looked nervous at the idea, "I mean, I trust Under, and Fast I guess, but come on Spike. We're just walking up to ponies and asking them how much money we have?"
Spike offered a finger as an idea came to him, "Maybe they have a bank! We could deposit it and they'd say how much we had."
Twilight nodded, "That's not a bad idea. Good job, number one assistant." She turned and began to trot away, Spike hot on her heels. Asking around the Seekers discovered that banking had never really become much of a standard practice in Everglow. As they finished asking around, Spike spotted a familiar feline and approached her.
"Hey Sasha," he said, raising the hand that wasn't clutching the bag of diamonds to wave at her.
The purrsian turned, wings half extended before she saw who addressed her, "Ah, young dragon, savior of slaves and burner of orcs, here with his caretaker, the purple hybrid that learns spells with all the intensity of Luminace herself."
Spike looked puzzled at the greeting, but Twilight was simply filled with questions she quickly put to words, "A pleasure to meet you, miss Sasha. My name is Twilight. Who is Luminace?"
The feline's face split in a grin, "Of course. You are planar walkers, unaware of the gods that watch over this domain," she said with her soft rolling purrs and smoldering gaze. "I imagine they are aware of you, even if you remain ignorant. What do they think of you? To answer your question, Princess Luminace is the patron of scholars, spellcasters, and friendship."
Twilight blinked in confusion as Spike blurted out, "She sounds a lot like you, Twi."
The purrsian released a laugh, musical and rich, "Allow me to guess, you are a princess as well? You see why I compare you to her, even if you are but a mortal. She was a mortal once as well, you know, a mortal princess of little holding."
Twilight shook her head vigorously, "Oh, well, I wasn't a princess before..." she trailed off. She wasn't immortal, so far as she knew. "I mean, I was born a common pony."
The feline speared a cheese slice on an extended claw and popped it into her mouth, "Good. You don't have the habits of a born princess, demanding everything be exactly as she says. Now, what do you wish of me, princess and dragon consort?"
Spike held up his bag, "We were looking for a place to trade these for equipment." Twilight opened her mouth to object, but the feline already had the bag in her hand as if Spike was never even holding it. She peeked inside and gave a soft whistle.
"They were not joking," she purred, "When they said you did well. For your second task, you were paid handsomely. I happen to be good at rings. I love how they shine. If you wish a ring to protect you, or hide you, mmm, I can help. They are very popular." She tossed the bag back at Spike, who caught it with a nervous expression until he had it under full control.
Twilight raised a hoof, "Since you've already had a look, just how much did we get? We're not used to the local exchange rates."
Spike pointed at the feline, "I don't see any rings."
Sasha brought her tail around, where two rings dangled half way down, snugly secured. "About twenty thousand coin worth, at a glance. It seemed rude to perform a full appraisal." She flashed her bright teeth, "Enough to easily get you both a ring of protection to start, with plenty left over."
Twilight's eyes widened, "That much? The first one was only a hundred each!"
Sasha made a soft noise, "A lone owlbear," she said, counting on a finger, "With no particular hurry. Without the hazard pay of sending a single Seeker on the job, vs an entire camp of orcs, done the same day in a hurry, to say nothing of the specific defeat of their leader." She got that grin that split her cleft lip, "Risk, versus reward."
"Well," said the lavender alicorn, "I think I need to read some books on what kind of magic items they have, but we may be back. Thank you!"
"Yeah, thanks," offered Spike in solidarity before he hurried to catch up with the already retreating Twilight. His movement was stopped by a soft paw gripping his arm and he was turned back to look at Sasha.
"If you get bored following in her shadow, let me know," she whispered, kissing his suddenly heated cheek before releasing him to stumble away.
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Very good chapter kinda Sad to hear Spike has to share his money but if it wasn't for the help he received he might not have been there to get it. Good to see that they are in good standing with there guild master. I have to say I like Sasha's style She would make a interesting addition to a party, As for the Ring idea you can never go wrong with a good ring. By hide did she mean ring of invisibility or chameleon power, either would be good for Spike.
I have really been looking forward to Spike and Twilight first shopping trip let me guess part of it is going to pay for scribing some new spells for Twilight. But I really can't wait to see what they get I mean you can't get much in game wise with 10,000 gold pieces I say that because they are splitting the bag but I am really looking forward to reading what they get and how they will use it.
5470630 While Spike may need nudging to help random strangers through generosity, he's eager to help out his best bud, Twilight. Sharing with her doesn't rankle the same scales, as it were.
As for rings, so many options! Rings that make you more stealthy, or outright invisible, though invisible rings are likely outside the price range they want to be shopping at. There are a lot of rings to choose from, so they will have to be careful with how they spend their hard-earned coin, er, diamonds.
5471631 I was thinking Under Score as well, didn't he help Twilight reach Spike. Maybe Spike know's him well enough for it not to matter.
5471696 Under Score didn't help anybody, at least not that he reported.
Under has a weakness for good students, and wants Twilight to be properly equipped.
5471715 Oh Cool, Good man, or pony.
*imagines Twilight doing min-max math on magic item prices*
Which for normal adventurers is often the wrong thing to do since it leads to you buying a bunch of little items that you'd end up picking up from random enemies anyway. What's wrong with you Spike -- you didn't loot the orcs! You even had a bunch of NPCs to act as porters and carry extra loot!
5472231 Alas, Spike is far from a seasoned adventurer and did not think of loot everything.
Spike doesn't... really know the meaning of the word consort... does he? And Twilight, too? Or maybe they're just learning to ignore every time someone teases them with it.
5512994 Heh, of course he does not. In addition, she's a horrible tease. Spike and Twilight are a nerdy couple that barely grasp these straws. I'm not sure Spike would even know what to DO if Rarity said yes.
5472231 "Don't Forget to Loot The Bodies"-Issabella Dragon Age 2
5715140 You'd be amazed how often they forget to loot the bodies in this fic.
Bad Sasha! You're going to Conflutter our poor Spike!
5764963 Spike has a lot to learn in this exciting new world.
O my the cat has the hots for the spike.
Poor Spike, his favorite snacks are their main form of currency...
5866719 It's not easy being an awesome dragon.
Boom!~ and just when you thought I got bored and left. I'm back with more excessively long post.
-"They had not met him before that morning. Considering the town, it should not have been as surprising to learn that the human had managed to become leader of this chapter of the Seekers."
I feel like "They had not met him before that morning. Considering the town, it was not have surprising to learn that the human had managed to become leader of this chapter of the Seekers." Makes more sense in the context of that statement. Especially because the first way it comes across as an incomplete thought, "Should not have been as surprising as what?"
-"But. Do you understand why we have the rules we do? We want to keep everyone safe, and that means everyone is following the directions."
the "is" is unnecessary Makes the statement sound a bit odd. I also personally think that directions should be rules, but that I think is more personal taste.
-"shone in the light of the well-lit room, drawing the eyes of the two." I think there needs to be another word after two, Like "Friends" or something similar Feels like an incomplete thought to me again.
-"Asking around the Seekers discovered that banking had never really become much of a standard practice"
Should be "Asking around the Seekers they discovered that banking had never really become much of a standard practice" Possibly ended with "in this world"
-"Spike spotted a familiar feline and approached her." following that last statement I feel like you need a better segue into this one It's like, "they're doing one thing and then suddenly another" maybe something like "As they finished asking around, Spike spotted..." it turns two completely separate things into one thing leading to another.
-"Allow me to guess, you are a princess as well. You see why I compare you to her, even if you are but a mortal." The wording of these statements implies a questioning tone to me, I'd personally end at least the first one with a ? and possibly both.
-"had the bag in her hand as if Spike was never holding it. She peeked inside and gave a soft whistle." "had the bag in her hand as if Spike was never even holding it. She peeked inside and gave a soft whistle."
-"They were not joking," she said in her rumbling purr" Should probably be closer to "They were not joking," she purred" or something similar.
The "She said in/with a/her" Thing Strikes me as potentially one of those habits from DnD based storytelling, tending to over-describe things a bit. It's not always bad "she said with her soft rolling purrs and smoldering gaze." Worked well(though perhaps it could be "With a series of soft rolling purrs and a smoldering gaze"). But doing it too often or at the wrong moment/in the wrong way in a story like this, it reads weird.
- "who caught it with a nervous expression until he had it until full control." Second until should be "under".
-"Sasha gave a soft noise," Should be "made a soft noise" Not necessarily grammatically incorrect but one of those odd uses of a word that people who don't hear or see it used that way often might be confused by. I also feel being more specific about the noise might be appropriate but probably not necessary.
- "His movement was stopped by a soft paw closing on his arm and he was turned back to look at Sasha."
maybe Something more like "His movement was stopped by a soft paw gripping his arm and he was turned back to look at Sasha." I dunno "Closing on" sounds more like something a door would do and less like something a hand would do.
P.s. Really hope you didn't think i'd actually run off, Just got a new game and got distracted for a couple days. I may get slow sometimes but if I disappear, Leave me a message or find out where I live and come poke me and I'll come back.
5885451 Edits worked in! I am curious if you finished reading the story or if this is where you're up to?
You see this? It's crap like this that makes the half dragon template apply to any corporeal creature.
This has to be the first chapter I can unequivocally say I’ve liked. So far the rest have been guilty of the crime of being so okay, it’s average.
complimentary regarding
“They
owlbear,”
“Yeah,
5961970 A slow start is the most common criticism leveled at this fic. Glad you're liking it and thanks for the fixes.
On a side note: I like how you write the purrsians.
5969311 Fixed, and Purrsians are neat.
I'm having a hard time not picturing the Purrsians as Sphinxes.
6172177 Subtract the human face, and they're there?
*cough*
5798015 Or at least for his ability to earn wealth.
Okay, so far.... story is getting better, still the issue for me of feeling a tad rushed, just how quickly everything happens, not so much as far as in universe time goes, but just as far as what we see, with so much happening off panel, versus actually seeing stuff like Twilight exploring this new magic system, really working at learning it, getting some of the nuances. BUUUUT, yes that is mostly a personal preference. Still it does tie into the one major issue I'm kind of having (As pointed out in another comment I saw that made it clear) Immersion. Everything goes by so quickly, and often so matter of factly that, it's hard to get immersed in the story. Not to mention some of the other issues that break the flow.
As to how the speed is an issue, let's look at one scene, right after Twi and Spike kill the Owlbear, and realize it's really dead. Twi facing the fact that she just killed another living creature for the first time. That... that is actually a pretty powerful and thoughtful moment, doing a great job of showing just how different her world is, her whole mindset that this thing that is so common here is a shock, how much more brutal, harsh this world can be, and you have to be to survive in it, there is a lot of great stuff there and I love the story addressed it, that really was a great move. However, again, the whole thing went so quickly, just a quick "Oh.. it's dead." a line or two about her never having done it before, and then the burial.. though with the touch of them not being willing to defile the corpse being another great moment. Everything that happened was very well done, but the execution went by so fast.... there was no really feeling to it, yes Twi's emotions were clear on the intellectual level, but it didn't really dive into it enough to get the feeling truly immersive, to create the emotional torque to make the reader FEEL the emotion, rather then just understand it.
Along with a few other logical flubs making it harder to get immersed, like.. they have a wizard with Scrying and at least two Teleport spells prepared, and the logic of sending Spike up there alone versus an entire camp or Orcs, was he could get there faster... when you have a wizard ready with teleport? Why not just scry on the orcs, then teleport to them? Or if you want something more certain, send Spike to FIND the camp, give him one of those Sending orbs (Love that idea, not sure if it's a real item and I never saw it.. but created something similar for my first Ponyfinder game, though they were one time use and had to be broken to release the magic.) and report back when he found it to scry willingly on him and teleport a team to deal with them? Or, something I saw coming for awhile, Twilight not knowing about Princess Luminance, when you'd think, of anything, she'd at LEAST have talked Dawn into giving her a good rundown of all the Gods in that land, they had a week together and this is Twilight... Or, with Pinkie.... the Royal Sisters waited a MONTH to ask for help? Just, nothing really makes sense for it being that long after this, and them only being at the stage they are. Or Pinkie waiting a month and waiting for the Princess to ask her before trying to find Twilight. But worst of all... nopony searched the castle and found the remains of her spell glyph? When it was right out in the open? The only thing that made it a bit of an issue for Pinkie was the dust on the floor, which wouldn't be there back then, when the Mane 6 and Princess would be turning the castle upside down looking for her.
Just, little things that... simply break immersion by not flowing naturally or feeling like they fit, making it clear they are happening for the sake of the story, rather then being part of the natural flow of events.
Okay.... this might be getting a bit too nitpicky and complainy.. sorry, just pointing out issues I've seen, and is intended as legit constructive criticism.. overthinking and over analyzing fics like this is kind of what I do. I am overall liking the story. Just, issues that.. keep me from REALLY enjoying it. Though there is a lot done well, LOVING how well you blend the rules into the story and make them work, without going all Order of the Stick and just outright having them be 'rules' with numbers and everything and getting meta about it. You can easily tell just what everything is without it needing to be labels, and quantified, and treated like some game mechanic. Spike's attacks, being wha they are, two claws, a bite, and a gore, but they are used naturally (Pun intended) in the story and work. Or the description of the Amulet of Natural Armor and the Ring of Protection, without even calling them by name. (Okay till here, but they need to know the name of what they are buying after all) The spells Twi casts, even the mentioning of Spike's thick hide absorbing most of a blow, a good way of describing DR (Or just high Natural Armor, but DR feels better, though likely both). Even the stuff about how Twi's magic works really fits well and feels mostly natural, Fast's explanation to Spike about how he needs to learn to take AoO's, or even the mention about how charging leaves you more open to attacks, not just "It gives you an AC penalty) That is the best part of the story for me so far, is just how WELL and at times amazing it does at making the game mechanics clear, but work without being 'game mechanics' how well it makes them part of the narrative. the one "huh"? point for me is the talk about "It's there till I replace it" which I get how that works in game terms but.. so what is the non-mechanic based reason for her to only have so much room? This is the thing that I could see having a reason, but would have been nice to see her learning and understand it more.
Even skill checks are mostly clear at times, but fit in naturally, like the appraise check on the gem bag (Nice touch on that one by the way, REALLY loved the Purrsian here and how she acted, as well as the idea of the trope of Purrsian performers.)
The fight scene... the orc one.. started good but... it just.... another case of simply being so plain spoken, so quckly done, and so bare bones at times that.. it was hard to get immersed in and really connect to. Now it WAS very competently done, everything was clear, it all made sense and yet, that was it. There was nothing 'bad' about it, but, I just couldn't really get invested and feel the fight, beyond noting the moves being made, it all was just.. so... average. That's really what I'd say, it was a well done, competent fight scene that did everything it needed to, but little more, a solid 5 on a 1-10 scale. Now the Scorpion Fight, that one I did enjoy a lot more, it had more feeling to it, more weight, you could really FEEL what was going on not just see it. Figure more like a 7.
As to characters, Twi feels rather spot on, though story jumps around so much and has so many time skips, it's hard to get a handle on what might be just due to her getting used to the world. Spike.. also feels good, a few bits that, just felt.. not 'wrong' but, a tad odd, nothing major, and most of those I could just attribute to having a whole new body and biology having small little effects on his thoughts. The Everglow characters.. love all of them so far, my only complaint is again, the pacing meaning we don't really get to spend enough time REALLY getting to know them. We get their overall personality, we know enough for them to feel like individuals, but not enough to really REALLY get the feel of them as ponies (or other). So that's more a, they are so good, the only issue, they are so good I want MORE! And they feel they deserve more fleshing out. Pinkie, also a pretty well done job on Pink Pony. The one major... that is just not right... is Celestia.. having her just break down sobbing? After a MONTH? Just, her whole reaction to things, it felt way overplayed and trying to hard, when it really needed to be a subtler thing, and while I can see her being upset, worried, and she would be, to the point of breaking out in tears and needing Luna to come hold her hoof? Again, MAYBE right away, but not a month later. She is millennia old, she knows how to deal with losing ponies she cares about. And a lot of what they talked about felt like things they should have done a lot sooner. Just... Tia being worried, upset even, yes, but story.. you way overplayed your hoof on that one.
Eeesh, don't want to end on a down note, cause I am liking the story overall, just, it has some issues keeping my from loving it as much as I want to. But it's getting better. OH another great thing, I loved Twi's idea about bringing Divine Magic to Equestria, and her rationale for how she could, if the Gods can live in one plain, and give their power to another, why can't that work for Equestria too? Granted, likely other issues with that, but it is a good theory and good goal.
So far, good story, but the pacing really makes it hard to get immersed in and FEEL the story and emotions in it. But still so far a wonderful job at making the Ponyfinder game mechanics work narratively.
7498564 I've been told that I tend to focus on actions instead of what surrounds it. I think it gets better as you go. Do read!
had
Umm... hold on there; it was established earlier that they were not Seekers. I can understand a mission to earn the training but sending Spike out alone? Now you seemingly believe they are yours to order as you wish? They are either outside agents or they are not.