18 - Pink Party Pony
Pinkie stood before Luna and Celestia. "To make sure I got this right," she said, "You want me to find Twilight." Luna nodded, "And bring her back." Celestia nodded. "But she's not in Equestria anywhere." They both nodded. "Okey Dokey!" she exclaimed with a bright smile. "Pinkie sense says she's out there, so I just have to find her, and then we get to have a 'Where were you, Twilight?!' party!" Pinkie looked like she was already plotting out the party, her fore-hooves rubbing against one another as wild schemes worked through her mind.
"It is of the utmost importance," spoke Celestia, "that you find her and bring her back safely as quickly as possible."
"Them," corrected Pinkie.
"Them?" asked Luna.
Pinkie rolled her eyes, "Uh duh! Twilight and Spike! They have to be together, I'm sure of it. Don't you worry your royal crowns about it. Pinkie Pie is on the case!" She produced a strange hat and a magnifying glass from her voluminous mane and began wandering off without being dismissed. Her strangeness was worrying, and yet it was exactly what they hoped would work. Once she wandered out of the room, Luna sighed softly,
"She will undoubtedly do her best, but will it be enough?"
Celestia looked towards the grand double doors the pink pony had wandered through, "I don't know what else to try. Is the mirror in focus?"
"We can search through it soon," said Luna, "Cadence has already promised she would do so, but Twilight already has the means to communicate from that world, through Sunset Shimmer. I would be surprised to hear she had not already done so."
Celestia gave a slow sigh, "Be that as it may, we must exhaust every option. Did Twilight's friend in the Everfree Forest have any information?"
Luna shook her head as she placed a hoof on Celestia's shoulder, "The zebra was concerned, but could not find her. She promised to send word if she learned anything new, but her specialty is zebra herbal magics, and she is not a unicorn."
Celestia scoffed, "Unicorn magic has not helped us so far. Let us have some faith in zebra and earth pony magics for now."
Pinkie allowed her hooves to move as they will, and found herself back on the train. She never stopped inspecting everything around her with all the gravity of her mission. She even blew the bubbles with special seriousness. Look at them float! The train stopped at Ponyville and it felt right to step off. Ah ha! She decided it would be good to inspect the scene of the crime, where Twilight was last seen.
She trotted bouncily to the crystal tower/castle that was Twilight's home. There were guards keeping ponies out, but she paid them no mind. She was past them without thinking about it and pushed open the door inside. One of the guards saw her pink puffy tail as the door closed, but it was far too late to stop her. She snooped around the kitchen, inspected the dining area, and leaped up the stairs to the next floor. Though covered in dust, Pinkie's senses went wild. Something had happened here, a doozie!
She held up her magnifying glass as she inspected the room and noticed a singed outline on the ground. She pulled out some paper and sketched the diagram, though it meant nothing to her, it could be a clue! She sniffed at the air, sneezing powerfully enough to send her careening back down the stairs, bouncing down to the bottom in a painful display that had done no true harm. That smell! She made another note on the paper, then stuffed the quill and the paper away. She felt she had gotten everything she needed from here and bounced out in plain view of the guards. One of them made a move to stop her, but the other put out a hoof, shaking his head. There was no point arguing with Pinkie Pie.
She felt drawn to the Everfree, but there was a stop to be made first. She stopped by Sugarcube Corner and poked her head in, "Hi everyone!" she chimed as Mrs. Cake looked up with a smile. "I'm on official business for the princesses," she explained, "Gonna be busy a while, ok? Don't be worried about me!" Mrs. Cake did not let her go with that, waving her in and retrieving Pinkie's Saddlebag. She filled it with brownies, cakes, and muffins before placing it on Pinkie's back.
"Now you be safe dear," she urged, "We worry about you whether you say to or not."
"Aw, you guys." She wrapped her hooves around the matronly mare and squeezed her eagerly. "I'll be back, Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!" She went through the motions, poking herself in the eye at the end. "I have to make sure Twilight and Spike get back in time for my party!"
Mrs. Cake did not understand it all, but she did know it had been some time since she last saw the newest princess. She nodded at Pinkie, "You'll do your best. Now you go and be safe. We'll take care of things around here."
With partings taken care of, Pinkie proceeded to where her hooves wanted to go, the Everfree Forest. Since the tree of harmony had been revived, the forest didn't feel as creepy weepy as it used to. Sure, while the weather was still a little wild-- and a pony still had to keep their eyes open while in it-- there didn't seem to be as many crazy monsters in it. She knew the way well and stuck to the path, arriving at the odd hut in no time at all. Zecora was already out front, brewing something that sent thick trails of billowing purple smoke into the sky.
"Whatcha making?" asked Pinkie as she bounded towards her exotic friend.
The Zebra held up a hoof for silence before she drew up some blue flowers and chewing on them softly a moment before spitting the mash into her brew. "This is a matter most grave. The young Twilight I mean to save." The addition turned the smoke a reddish hue and it began to spark and bubble violently.
"What a coinkidink!" exclaimed Pinkie, "That's what I'm here for!"
"Your vigor is to be commended, but to interfere is not recommended." Zecora circled the cauldron, "I have been trying for weeks without rest." She paused, and looked over Pinkie again, "Perhaps a friend's help would be best. What have you found, you exuberant mare, to appear before me without a care?"
Pinkie reached under her investigator's hat and pulled out the paper, showing Zecora the diagram. "I found this in the castle. Something big happened there, I just know it! Do you know what it means?"
The zebra examined the diagram, her eyes following the intricate patterns, "Your skill as an artist is amazing, to copy this magic of phasing. If this is accurate to a line, then it is vital for our friend to find."
"Friends," corrected Pinkie, "Sheesh, Spike is with her! We have to get them both back."
Zecora gave a soft smile, but vanished into the house. She returned with a book balanced on her snout precisely, "Your drawing has given me a new path, I will abandon this useless bath." With a shove a hoof, the cauldron was overturned, the angrily fizzing substance spilling out.
Pinkie, being Pinkie, moved over and took a taste of the stuff without asking. She stuck out her tongue quickly as the powerful taste overwhelmed her. Abruptly her pelt turned from pink to green fading into a purple hue towards her hooves and snout, "Eugh!"
Zecora laid her book down, leaning it against the house and opened it up. "You should ask before you sample the brew, or zebra magic will make a fool of you. Its effects are harmless, and they should fade, Now focus on our friends and give your aid."
The two worked diligently through the day, and the next. There were many rare herbs required for the special mixture Zecora needed, and Pinkie proved uniquely capable of finding and retrieving them for her, no matter where they happened to be. When she bounded back with her mouth full of special bramble and piranha dangling from her tail and on several parts of her barrel, Zecora was quick to brush them away from the once-again pink pony, but Pinkie was more interested in helping.
"Your devotion is commendable, as a friend you are most dependable. You will do Twilight no good if you are hurt, We are making good time, there is no need to exert," cautioned Zecora gently, worried for Pinkie's well-being for her.
"Okey-Dokey" said Pinkie before she went off after the next ingredient, seemingly unfazed.
With their combined efforts, they had a cauldron of deepest black prepared. "And now as I add some heat, The walls of our world retreat. We'll see where Twilight has gone, and have more to act upon."
Setting the fire to blazing, the blackness soon gave way to foggy eddies. The fog drew back to the sides as Zecora said her strange chants. Pinkie bounced up in down in place, feeling the building magic. She parked her hooves on the edge of the cauldron and leaned in to peer into its depths. She gasped with shock as an image appeared of Twilight being stung by some great bug. She did some magic, and there was Spike! Almost Spike? Spike looked bigger, and tougher, but it was definitely Spike and he was with her!
"Hi guys!" Pinkie shouted as loudly as she could, but the images did not react to her at all.
Zecora was up at the edge with her, watching what was going on. "Our friends we have found, but to them we make no sound. This is a window, but it remains shut. At least we can watch them from this hut. Perhaps with more time we can throw wide this seemingly infinite divide."
They watched as Twilight collapsed on top of Spike and was carried off, and some strange bipedal creatures were with them. At least they all seem to be friends. "At least she's OK..." whispered Pinkie, her true feelings peeking out from under her mania as she let out her breath in a long sigh of relief.
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You don't need to worry so far, everypony has been very in character to the point where I can hear and see the characters say the lines you gave them, and I don't say that lightly, you should be proud.
Also, since you seem to like criticism here is my two cents. So far with every chapter your writing has improved in the sense that every chapter pulls the reader in more than the last chapter did. I think the correct term is Immersion, but you have really improved in that aspect. Sometime though you may wish to look over the first chapter or two as for some reason they were just kind of meh compared to the later chapters.
edit1 (because I don't feel like posting a separate comment)
Have you tried submitting this to the crossovers group?
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/41/crossovers
You may get more exposure than just with a smaller more pathfinder specific group. Just an option.
5468216 Submitted! What could it hurt?
You make me blush with your complements! I take it you approve of Zecora and Pinkie's nature then?
There was some extremely heavy and not-required foreshadowing about what would go on later in the same chapter, but I felt that kinda mirrored how that world works.
So far these 'meanwhile...' chapters seem like a distraction. I'm not sure where you're eventually going with the plot though.
5469038 Sorry about that. It was asked what's going on back home, and it was a very valid question. Given time, more crossover may occur, as I am not Hasbro and am not limited to Twilight and Spike at a time.
The key characters did adjust quietly.
O.K. Chapter to be honest I really prefer your Pathfinder World.
Kinda sad that so many forgot to count Spike further proof he is better of in Pathfinder World. As for them finding Twilight and Spike maybe they'll find a way to contact Twilight and Spike soon.
Are the rest of the mane 6 gonna join Twilight and Spike in Pathfinder World and if they do what classes would they take.
5470465 Pretty sure I would just nab the party pony to round the party out. See what I did there? A solid bard is never out of place. Zecora could come along as a more natural divine caster, rhymes and all, or perhaps as a witch. Evil enchantress indeed.
Your thoughts?
5470524 Part of the fun of this story is Twilight and Spike making new friends and allies, I thought maybe you could have some completely new faces in there adventuring party, You know more variety then just ponies and a dragon maybe a donkey or a griffin or even a kitty as you put it.
5470551 And this is why reader input is valuable.
-""I do not know what else to try. " Don't use do not. Even celestia and luna use contractions in the show, Use don't, won't, haven't, can't and any other contraction (Except maybe ain't) at basically any time people are talking. Again, I can maybe see it if she was dealing with a highly formal situation, but otherwise it makes the sentence Read funny and again, breaks suspension of disbelief when your brain Stops you and goes "wait, do people really talk like that?" It also again, makes her and luna come off as distant or callous as opposed to Worried and concerned.
-"but her specialty is zebra herbal magics, and she is not a unicorn." it should be "she's not a unicorn"
-"Unicorn magic has not helped us so far. Let us give some faith into zebra and earth pony magics for now."
"Unicorn magic hasn't helped us so far. Let's put some faith into zebra and earth pony magics for now." Is better.
-"Pinkie allowed her hooves to go as they will"
"Pinkie allowed her hooves to move as they will"
I feel like sometimes you try to change out words you think you are using or are used too often in a certain way, When there is nothing wrong with it as long as you are using the word right. and changing it makes the sentence sound weird when you read it.
-"where Twilight was seen last" Just the particular pattern of the sentence it sounds better if you swap the last two words around "where Twilight was last seen"
-"She bouncily trotted to the crystal tower/castle" I know you are writing for pinkie pie, but "bouncily trotted" Is hard to read. I'd personally say just use "Bounced" But if you want to use both "Trotted bouncily" Works better.
Also It's a story not a description and using a / like that again breaks up the readers suspension of disbelief. You gotta pick one or the other, Tower, or castle, or even Tree.
-"noticed a singed outline in the ground" Try "on the ground"
-"but there was a stop to be done first" Works better as " but there was a stop to be made first"
A lot of these sentences work as you have them, but try to realize, People don't talk, read, or even think like that very often. As someone who is in love with English and words I know it's hard to not mix things up all the time, or use big confusing words, or words in unusual places but A lot of times when you do that it makes it sound unnatural to the reader which, again, Breaks Suspension of disbelief.
-"chimed as Misses Cake looked up with a smile."
"Misses Cake did not let her go with that"
"Misses Cake did not understand it all,"
all instances of "Misses" Should be "Mrs." Like the title. in this case "Miss" is appropriate except that it's a term for an unmarried woman but "Misses" Doesn't have the same meaning. Though "Missus" would also be appropriate if you prefer the long version but is usually a regional/slang thing, something that might be associated with The seedier districts in english cities, or certain country areas.
-"Sure the weather still a little wild, and a pony still had to keep their eyes open while in it, there didn't seem to be as many crazy monsters in it."
Should be "Sure while the weather was still a little wild, and a pony still had to keep their eyes open, there didn't seem to be as many crazy monsters in it."
-"Zecora laid her book down, leaning against the house and opened up." becomes "Zecora laid her book down, leaning it against the house and opening it up." you just missed a couple "Its" and it got confusing about what zecora was actually doing.
Also good job with most of Zecoras and a lot of pinkies dialogue, some of the most natural conversations I have seen you write.
-"And now I add heat, The walls of world retreat. We will see where our Twilight has gone, and have more to act on." The tempo is off with this one, every part is a noticeably different length and it doesn't flow the way you want it too. Maybe try something like "And now as I add some heat, The walls of our world retreat. We'll see where Twilight has gone, and have more to act upon." Or try re-writing that part altogether. I'm not good with rhymes.
-"At least we can keep track of them from this hut. Perhaps with more planning we can throw wide, this seemingly infinite divide." tempo is a bit off with This one too though it's an easier fix "At least we can watch them from this hut. Perhaps with more time we can throw wide, this seemingly infinite divide."
-"They watched at Twilight collapsed on top of Spike and was carried off, and some strange bipedal creatures were with them. They all seemed to be friends at least. "At least she's OK..." whispered Pinkie, her true feeling peeking out from her mania as she let out her breath in a long sigh of relief."
"They watched as Twilight collapsed on top of Spike and was carried off, and some strange bipedal creatures were with them. At least they all seem to be friends. "At least she's OK..." whispered Pinkie, her true feelings peeking out from under her mania as she let out her breath in a long sigh of relief." Moved at least to the start of the one sentence so you aren't going "at least. "At least..." as should have been at Feeling needed an S and Under before mania because it sounds better that way.
Also, Please don't let all my nitpicking make you feel bad. Again this is a great story, but you wanted people to go through and point out the good and bad, so I'm going over it with a fine toothed comb and being extra picky. This was one of the better chapters so far dialogue wise. It really felt like pinkie and zecora were talking. And you have the characters personalities as a whole down to a T. Their actions are almost consistently perfect it's the words they use that don't always fit, and for twilight and spike at least you have been getting consistently better with them the more you write them, I imagine the others will show improvement as you wind up writing for them more. Even in just 18 short chapters I see you making noticeable progress in your writing style and I can't wait to keep going.
5872601 Oh gods Each of my posts so far is a Chapter of a novel in and of itself. I need to see if i can find a way to make them shorter whilst still getting across all the information I think I need to put in.
5872601 I admit confusion. 'She is' is definitely a thing I say and I hear people saying all the time, then again, I also say 'do not' sometimes instead of don't.
5872601 Fixes applied! Thanks for taking the time to point them out. Now if only I could make the first 5-10 chapters or so not boring to read to every reviewer on the planet.
How do you do that?! Every story I have read with Zecora flows naturally. I tried writing in rhymes once. It was suffering.
5956690 rhymezone.com
Corn: typos and other miscellaneous gripes.
Crusta: grammatical errors.
Crimson: spelling errors and homophone, homonym, and near homonym substitution errors.
De York: corrections.
a ‘Where
Twilight‽’ or Twilight⁈’
have
in
Sure, while
weather was still
wild — and
it — there
wide this (The pause wasn’t necessary and actually messes up the cadence of Zecora’s rhyming.)
5961914 Fixes applied. May the typos know pain and misery.
Uhhh...weeks?
7150503 yes weeks twilight has spent at least 2 months there now
Okey Dokey
Uh
Okey-Dokey
unfazed
Missing ponyism: everyone -> everypony
9544268
Everyone is used at times. Everybody is forbidden.