The Mighty Griffons soccer team has been undefeated for the last three and a half seasons, or a total of fifty six games. They called this feat the “The Streak” When Rainbow Dash scores the winning goal, that ends “The Streak”, her fortunes ends with it when her defeated opponents prove to be far worse than mere bad sports.
Takes place in EqG universe
Co-Authors: Joshwolf999, YamiPuppy, Epicmanlymare22
Editors: Izanagi, Biker_Dash
Cover art: eternalcha0s
EDIT: Featured 1/10/15 4:04 pm
Chapters (1)
*sniff sniff* I cri evry tim.
That cover art tells me just about all that I need to know.
This should be an interesting read after I get back from work.
Murdering Rainbow Dash eh? No read from this guy. The cover and description pretty much spoiled it.
5488087 well didn't have to spoil it in the comments you know
5488098 sorry let me fix that.
The grammar in this is decent. Not expert, but it didn't detract enough from the story to cause any serious issues. Hard overtones of LUS, especially in the earlier portions of the story; I'd suggest fixing those, as they were quite detracting and threatened to pull me out of the story.
There were a couple times where the people involved were... shall we say, oddly flippant about the situation. I mean, when your body is in shock, it acts a certain way, and they didn't seem to really be in shock about what was going on.
I laughed once, when Fluttershy asked Sunset Shimmer to come inside. That probably qualifies me as a terrible person.
I actually had trouble reading the entire scene where Rainbow got the shit beaten out of her. I'm hesitant to say a gore tag is necessary, but detailing broken bones and bloody beatdowns would probably merit one, considering the teen tag.
I almost cried. Almost. You nearly got a tear or two out of me when you finally included Scootaloo. As a robot that is not supposed to feel human emotion, I commend you on your near-accomplishment.
Overall: 8/10. Your skill at killing Rainbow Dash continues to surprise me.
The Streak...is over!
5488298 Fucking Paul Heamen Seriously? I Hate that guy and Brock Lensar for ending the steak. This comment is offensive to my story
Overall, I thought it was a good story. A variation of characters going through some sort of conflict is something quite interesting. I thought Rainbow Dash would just be in critical care for a while, but I didn't expect death! And what do you mean by okay? This was really well written if you ask me.
In conclusion, I expect great things from you, hopefully something a bit more uplifting. Keep at it!
5488314
Silly, not spoiling major plot points.
You need a chapter break indicator here (like the ... you used before) to indicate we're switching timelines again. I had to reread this like 3x to be sure it wasn't a continuation of the same part and that you were switching ahead.
Same idea here. Really, anytime the narrative takes a jump in time (backwards or forwards), or switches between groups of characters, you should some kind of clear indication to the reader.
Another break here.
Aside from that, not too bad a story. Accomplished what you probably set out to had it do.
Every story you write, not even joking Dash dies
I just finished reading the story.
Kind of like the South Park episode "Kenny Dies", which also made me feel great sorrow for what happened...
5488796 Got a problem with that?
5489106 Nope, just wondering why you wouldn't change the character who dies
5489141 Can you tell me what you thought of the story?
5489149 I think it was good although Scootareader said what I needed to say better than I would have put it.
5490281 She is actually my favorite character believe it or not
5490468 Yea well she was the only other mare/girl I could think of that fit the bitch factor lol
No one deserves to die in such a horrible and painful way
Normally there are more than three people on a soccer team :(
5490992
there was more than 3 members
Amazing how some people can take something as simple as losing a soccer game and turn it into something this extreme.
I enjoyed reading this, keep up the nice work.
can u make an alternate ending where rainbow dash didn't die ?
plz
5495166 If you want an alternate ending write it, if I like it ill post it
but i dont know how, im new here
5499615 You don't know how to put pencil to paper or type? Cuz that's all you do
You good sir, have officially killed my good mood with this story, and for that I applaud you, for that is not such an easy task.
Damn :(
I'm gonna go read a scootalove and/or shipfic now to.
I'm just surprised Rainbow Dash didn't try to fight back. Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
I agree with ShadowMane. It really reminded me of Kenny Dies. Good read though. The people who read it with me said it was good as well.
... Wow. And to think I was happy before reading this. Thank you for making me cry - now my pillow needs to dry. Where's the nearest feel-good fic around? I need a mood boost.
5615492 Does that mean you liked it?
5615560
Well, I favourited it, didn't I? I loved it. It was excellent - just really depressing.
5615641 Great! I was just curious since you didn't leave a like. Do you mind telling what you liked about it?
5615708
Well, that's a tough question. It was all brilliant, and I'm not the best at explaining why I like or dislike things but I'll do my best...
The characters. Every character was believable and acted in a way that is easy to imagine. You were able to make me both hate Glida, Lightning Dust and Suri whilst simultaneously pitying them. The mane six (plus Sunset) mourned in ways that suit their personalities and history with Rainbow, and I enjoyed the fact that Sunset didn't feel all that sad over the actual death. That is actually a problem I have had many a time when close family members die - I just cannot muster up any emotion. I just shut any of those feelings out and then hate myself for not being able to cry. It's nice to see a believable act such as this even among our beloved ponies. It makes them more relatable.
The plot. While I admittedly was half-hoping Rainbow would live and beat the living daylights out of the three, the fact that I was wrong didn't bother me. I can easily imagine all three murderers acting that way over hurt pride, although I do doubt they would actually go that far. I enjoyed the atrophying sanity amongst two of the trio and the depression that sinks in. This gives the story a moral and prevents it from just being an average story without meaning. Does that make sense?
The level of writing. As far as I can see (although, I should warn you, I tend to ignore minor errors nowadays so I might not be correct here) there were few - if any - mistakes regarding grammar, spelling and/or punctuation. The story flowed from one paragraph to the next without any irritating or unclear jumps.
The matter-of-fact way of writing also piqued my interest. Many writers tend to skip over gory details in fear of scaring away potential readers. You didn't. Every aspect of the above was clear and consise, allowing the reader to picture the happenings with ease and clarity (whether or not they would want to is another matter).
To be honest, I just really enjoyed reading this. All of the above was just icing on top. I liked the idea regardless, so while I probably wouldn't have bothered commenting, I still would have liked this story even if it had terrible spelling, punctuation and grammar (actually, I probably wouldn't. But I'd try to, and that's what matters... Right?).
5615799 thanks you for your wonderful thoughts on my fic I hope you find your way to the rest of my fics and enjoy them as well
5615829
Will do! Sorry for not replying sooner - it was two in the morning where I am when you replied. I'll read the rest today (in a non-stalkerish manner, I swear).
I have never hated characters in a story so much before...
5679499 So did you like it?
5679907
This was so depressing I needed booze to get through it. Well Done!
This is more worse than another fanfic I red.
I'm going to have nightmares about this more than cupcakes.
The part that was really depressing was Did you thought I was going to write a spoiler? LOL
Anyway, thanks for the freaking nightmares, you cold blooded writer.
5784547 Its not any worse than your grammar.
The most interesting part of the story by far was whenever the focus was on Gilda, Suri, and Lightning Dust. The rest was all just the usual “a character dies and everyone feels bad” that’s been done way too many times and wasn’t any more interesting this time around. Maybe my heart is just too blackened to be affected considering other people seem to have thought it was incredibly sad, but honestly I just sort of started skimming through parts because it was just the same stuff as you’d find in any similar story. It’s frustrating that the actually interesting and more creative part of the story gets sidelined for the boring and uncreative part. Let’s take a few examples.
Suri/Lightning/Gilda's reactions to finding out Rainbow Dash actually died from the injuries was good, but any opportunity to better explore how they’d deal with that knowledge gets ignored by them being caught right afterwards.
The part where Suri was in questioning was interesting at first, but then it gets promptly forgotten in favor of a big flashback as to what happened. The problem here is that the context is Suri is telling a police officer about it. There’s a great opportunity here to show *how* she actually tells the story, such her emotions as she recollects it (shame? embarrassment? confusion over doing it in the first place?) but instead it’s just a regular, matter-of-fact flashback.
There’s clearly some differentiation between their general thoughts on it, such as Suri feeling remorseful, Lightning Dust mostly just being paranoid, and Gilda’s apathy, but none of this is adequately explored and is basically just forgotten about.
Next up on the docket of “would have been interesting to see but gets skipped over” is their immediate reactions to being sentenced, but… nope, nothing. All we get is a fast-forward to 20 years later and a quick recap of what happened in the interim. And what’s with the twenty year skip? It says “twenty years of her life lost because of the group’s big mistake” but they only got sentenced to ten years, so… what in the world was happening in second ten years? The story really gives no indication whatsoever. How were those ten years “lost”? Maybe one could interpret it as saying that the guilt was so great even those ten years were lost, but that’s not articulated and that twenty years lost bit still doesn’t make that much sense even then.
That’s the problem with the story. It focuses on the wrong things. Most of the time gets devoted to the reactions of the main characters and it does basically nothing that any other "a character dies and everyone feels bad" story doesn't do. As a result, the interesting part of it gets overly ignored. That’s what frustrates me so; there’s some amazing potential here, but the story doesn’t make enough use of it.
Another issue is that some parts of the story make no sense whatsoever. Let’s take them beating up Rainbow Dash. What did they think was going to happen after that? That Rainbow Dash, after sustaining such heavy injuries, WOULDN’T report them? Sure, her dying actually takes care of that, but they didn’t know that until later. So them not getting excessively paranoid about getting in trouble for the whole thing *before* learning Rainbow actually died doesn’t make any sense. The attack was spontaneous enough I can accept that they didn’t think things through at the time, but afterwards there wasn’t any sentiment of “oh boy, we could REALLY get in trouble for this”?
As for the trial… why was there a trial at all? We’ve got video evidence proving their guilt, Suri apparently confessing, and… there’s a trial? It doesn’t make any sense that none of them took the option of pleading guilty.
I’m probably being harder on the story than I should be, because I did think some parts of it were good, but the fact those good parts are so underutilized makes me almost cry for how great and interesting the story could have been but wasn't. Good cover art, though.
5906659 i found myself skimming thourgh your long ass comment that is about as long as the story itself and im sorry you didnt like, you just cant please everybody.