I Swear, I Wasn't The Guy Who Blew Up Your House!
Well, I'll be honest with you, finally getting to see my reflection in the lake was a bit of bad news, good news.
The bad news was, I wasn't exactly handsome. My face was bright red, and while my beard was pretty righteous, the rest of it wasn't all that great. I mean, seriously, my first thought was 'Baboon'. I was a centaur with massive horns and a baboon's face. My eyes were kinda freaky, too: Pitch black with little gold dots as pupils. No wonder everyone seemed slightly terrified of me. I was scary as hell.
The good news? I finally got a look at my undercarriage.
There are certain factors that I had failed to account for, when I found myself in this new body. I mean, sure, I knew that I was large, but I wasn't fully aware of my... proportions, if you get my meaning. I hadn't realized just what it would mean to have the lower half of a horse, and especially not a giant one. Now, however, I'd finally had an opportunity to take in the full majesty of my new form. I would never need to compensate for anything, ever again.
So, after having obtained some soap, and made certain that I had privacy... I began to sing while I bathed. Which song? 'I've Got A Golden Ticket', of course. What, you thought that I'd sing 'I Just Look At My Enormous...'? Seriously? I have at least a little class. There might have been children listening!
So, yeah, that little revelation had helped me to look on the brighter side of things. Sure, I was stuck on a strange world in an unfamiliar body, but hey, I was apparently the emperor of the changelings now, I had more muscle than a body builder convention, and my magic wand had been upgraded to a Rod Of Lordly Might. This was shaping up to be the best day ever. Maybe I was still a little bit unhinged by the revelation that I was now married to a unicorn, and I had a pretty nasty headache, but I couldn't help but smile.
Finally, things were going my way.
That was when I first heard the sound of impending doom. Daaaa dun.
Looking around, I spotted the strangest thing. A moment ago, I was certain that I was alone. Now, sitting at the lakeside was an orchestra. An orchestra of ponies. As I tried to come to grips with the strangeness of this, a cello player ran his bow against his instrument again.
Daaaa dun.
That was when I saw the shark fin.
Now, I've said it before, and I will say it again: I went to college. I'm a pretty smart cookie. I know, for a fact, that sharks are saltwater exclusive. More importantly, this was a pond the changelings often used for bathing. I would hope that, if there was some sort of freshwater shark in there, they'd have the decency to warn guests of that fact. Hence, this was not a real shark, and this was not an ordinary denizen of the lake.
The orchestra began playing the theme from Jaws as the not-shark began circling me. Thing is, I know the theme from Jaws, and the one playing this little game with me seemed to have a flair for the dramatic (Obviously), so it would stand to reason that he'd only attack at the moment when the song reached its crescendo. I waited patiently, and sure enough, just a moment before the song reached its dramatic peak, the shark dipped out of sight...
I immediately turned around, and threw a punch behind me, hitting the leaping shark directly on the nose. Now, like I said before, I was in the boxing club. I wasn't a heavyweight, given that I lacked the mass for it. I lacked the upper body strength to make me a serious contender. However, I was able to hold my own pretty well, partly because I was very good with my footwork, and could bob and weave like an expert. Oh, and also because, while I might not have had a Tyson-level haymaker, I had worked on my punches until my form reached near-perfection. I had won over half of my matches, but only by TKO or decision. I never managed to knock someone out in my three years in the boxing club. Now however?
Combine all of what I just said with my new muscle mass, and... well, let's just say that, when I hit that shark, it became a flying fish. The now aerial predator flew across the length of the lake, skipping twice along the way, before finally falling back into the water with a splash.
Watching the area where mere opponent fell, I brought up my guard. I had a sneaking suspicion that this wasn't over by a long shot. I was right. Within seconds, a shape began to rise out of the lake, seemingly a mass of water with two eyes colored red and yellow, and a mouth with a single fang sticking out. An irritated scowl on his face, the attacker asked, "So, you like to box, do you? Well, let's see how you deal with this!"
The water exploded off of my assailant, and I saw a disquieting sight. The main body was a large fleshy mass, but from the water around it sprouted eight tentacles, each one ending with a bright red mitt. I could hardly believe it...
My unknown assailant had just transformed himself into every pugilist's secret nightmare: An octopus wearing boxing gloves.
I looked down, and was surprised to see I wore mitts of my own. Meanwhile, a pony in a referee costume and holding a bell appeared on the shoreline, then announced, "DISCORD VERSUS LORD TIREK!!! ROUND ONE!!! FIGHT!!!" The bell was rung, and the fight was on.
-----------------------------------------
Skyflower gave a happy little noise as she enjoyed the almost decadent softness of the bed, slowly entering that happy place between waking and sleeping that one can only find on a really good mattress. It should be mentioned that Skyflower is one of those rare people who never gets a hangover, no matter how spectacularly smashed she got the night before. She also has perfect recall, that being the ability to remember, with supreme detail, anything and everything that she has gone through, even after a night of heavy drinking. That gift can sometimes be a terrible curse, especially after a night of heavy drinking. That is why, once she's fully awake, she will not be happy.
However, that won't be for another three minutes, so for now, all is right in the world.
Giving another 'Mmmm' of bliss, she slowly began to stir. Smacking her lips a few times, more out of habit than conscious thought, she said, "Evergreen, do be a dear and fetch me my robe." She then extended a hoof, and waited.
After a moment, a deliciously soft robe was placed upon her hoof, and Skyflower rose from bed, and without opening her eyes began to dress herself. The robe seemed a little on the large side, but it was of such magnificent quality that she couldn't bring herself to complain. "Thank you, Evergreen. Now, please be a love and brush out my hair."
After a few seconds, she felt a brush being run through her mane. It was a little bit rougher than she was used to, but overall it was a pleasant experience. Skyflower supposed that even the best maids had a bad day now and again. Opening her eyes with a yawn, the mare took in the surroundings, and came to the unpleasant realization that, no, she wasn't back at her room in father's estate. Memory, like a tidal wave, came flooding back. Drawing in a deep breath, and forcing back the urge to scream, she asked, with spectacular calm given the circumstances, "You're not Evergreen, are you?"
A feminine voice behind her said, "No, your grace. My name's Leni. Sorry."
Skyflower gave a long sigh. Of course she wasn't Evergreen. Evergreen was... a long time ago. Well, she only had the bedding to blame: The soft bed had brought back memories of a softer time. She supposed that it was better than a hard military cot or the cold dirt that she'd grown accustomed to in the army: The cot brought back memories of the cage, and the hard dirt brought back memories of the cellar. Neither one was pleasant to recall...
After a moment, the mare asked, "Did I really marry Lord Tirek last night?" She could always hope that she'd dreamed it, after all...
"Yes, your grace," Leni said with a giggle. "You most certainly did. I know, I was there: I was the maid of honor, in fact."
Oh, yes, that's right. She was. And the commander, Ash, had served as the best stallion. Skyflower had to admit, it had been rather touching to see the changeling cry. The fact that half the hive had been weeping shamelessly as well had been enough to move her to tears herself. But now, there was a little bit of a problem.
Letting out another sigh, Skyflower said, "My uncle is going to kill me..."
"He would have to get through the entire hive, first, your grace," Leni said without a trace of hesitation. She said it without a trace of doubt: It was meant, not as words of comfort, but rather as a statement of fact. "You are the bride to our emperor now. That means you are under our protection, for so long as you live."
The mare gulped, simultaneously moved by that statement, yet also more than a little terrified by what that might mean for the changelings in general. After a moment, she said, "You don't know my uncle. He was... well, extremely backwards. He was a firm believer in the 'Unicorn Master Race' rhetoric, and thought it would be better for ponykind to freeze than to soil their existence by breathing the same air as 'Mud Ponies' and 'Feather Dusters'."
Conversationally, Leni asked, "That bad?"
Skyflower nodded, then said, "When I was a filly, I played with an earth pony colt for a few minutes while he was not looking. When he found out, he threw me down the cellar steps and locked the door on me. He left me down there for three days... with two broken ribs." She hesitated, then added, "I never saw the colt again, but his parents had a funeral service a few days later. And that wasn't even the worst thing he ever did..."
Skyflower felt the changeling begin to do up her hair, and as she did, Leni said, "Milady, your uncle would first have to hear about your wedding, and it is unlikely that anypony would ever ask us about it. Then, he'd have to come here, and fight his way through an entire swarm of changelings before he could lay a hoof on you."
"You still don't understand, Leni," Skyflower said with a shudder. "My uncle swore that if I ever shamed the family name by marrying anyone other than a 'pure' unicorn, he would track me down and kill me. The fact that Tirek isn't even a pony will just make things worse. Neither excuses, nor distances, will mean anything to him. And an army? It would just make him angrier when he finally reached me." Shuddering again, she said, "Even the fact that he's no longer alive would only slow him down a little. He's the kind of stallion that wouldn't die, even if he was killed..."
-----------------------------------------
Meanwhile, in the depths of Hades...
There was a stallion, locked away in a room. It was a very special room, given that it was made just for him. The rulers of the infernal realm often called 'Pony Hell' had spent over a thousand years getting it ready for his inevitable arrival. It had been a terrible fight, stuffing him in there, once he arrived at what was meant to be his final destination. Its occupant was one of the rare breed of ponies whose magic did not diminish after death. In fact, he seemed to grow stronger here than he'd ever been in life. However, the room in question was meant to be the perfect punishment, as well as the perfect cage, for one such as him.
Someone once said that perfection is not reached when there is nothing left to add, but rather when there is nothing left to be taken away. The rulers of Hades simply took that to its natural conclusion.
It was a room with nothing in it. On the outside, it was simply a door. Inside... there were no walls, no floor, no ceiling, no air, no matter, no energy, nothing. It was a horrendous, absolute emptiness. Forever. And in Hades, forever is a far longer time than in the world of the living.
It should have been perfect. Most ponies would go mad within days. They'd expected him to become a shell of his former self well before now. However, they underestimated their ward, and a few hours ago, after a certain couple said 'I do', they found that all of their preparations were in vain.
There was a stallion, locked away in a room. It was a very special room, given that it was made just for him. But he isn't there anymore. He's coming back.
-----------------------------------------
Three rounds of boxing later, the octopus wasn't looking too good.
Let's be honest, here: Octopi are not well known for their punching ability. They're all muscle, no skeleton. That makes them excellent grapplers, but pitiful boxers. Without bones, the punches he threw my way were soft. Practically butterfly kisses, really. Sure, eight limbs gave him a premium of quantity, but sadly, his quality was lacking. Worse, while his rubbery body with no internal skeleton meant that attacking him was like punching a sack full of pudding, my quality was far better. My attacks were quickly taking a toll. Like I said, I know how to throw a punch, and I now had muscles to spare. Perhaps most importantly, I had a body that seemed built for soaking up damage like the world's mightiest sponge. I was like a tank with freight trains for arms. Mike Tyson, Sugar Ray, and Ali couldn't take me on, even if they fused together to become the perfect boxer.
Finally, after a solid uppercut, I knocked the octopus skyward, and he fell back into the lake with a massive splash. The referee began counting down...
"1... 2... 3..."
I honestly couldn't believe it...
"4... 5... 6..."
For the first time in my boxing career...
"7... 8... 9..."
I was going to win by knockout!
The referee abruptly winked out of existence. The water began to churn, suddenly, I was thrown out of the lake by what felt like an explosion. It took a moment for my head to clear. Rising slowly to my hooves, I waved away the steam, and looked over to the lake at my opponent. Then I looked up... and up... and up... and heard one of the most recognizable roars in cinema history.
Oh, that son of a bitch. There's unfair, and then there's unfair. The bastard had transformed himself into Godzilla. God-Fucking-Zilla!
I was in deep shit. There was no way I could fight something that big. I needed a solution, and I needed one quickly, before he stomped me flat. Channelling Emperor Kickass McAwesometown, I immediately did the one thing I could think of in that situation. The one thing that no one would expect. I pointed at him, angrily, and shouted, "BULLSHIT!"
Godzilla seemed to be taken aback by my proclamation. With a puzzled expression, he asked, "Excuse me?"
Still more than a little angry, I yelled, "I call 'Bullshit'! You cannot be Godzilla! You do not have the right to be Godzilla!" Seeing that my opponent was puzzled by this statement, I explained, loudly, "Godzilla is the property of Toho Co., Ltd! While he may also be on loan to TriStar Pictures, Warner Brothers Pictures, and Legendary Pictures, they are only able to use him with Toho's permission!" Crossing my arms over my chest, I gave the massive monster a withering glare, and asked/shouted, "DO YOU HAVE THE PERMISSION OF TOHO CO., LTD. TO IMITATE THE LIKENESS AND/OR VOICE OF GODZILLA!?"
How did I know all of that off the top of my head? I'm a monster when it comes to random trivia. My sisters banned me for life from Trivial Pursuit. I paid for college by appearing on Jeopardy... for three weeks straight.
Looking a little sheepish, the titan admitted, "No, no I guess I don't."
With a triumphant smirk, I shouted, "THEN CUT THAT SHIT OUT, BEFORE SOMEONE GETS SUED!!!"
Rolling his eyes, the Godzilla look-alike snapped his finger claws, and with a flash of light, he changed from one of the greatest monsters of the silver screen into...
Well, look, you've seen Discord, right? Do I really need to describe to you what he looks like? We'll be here all day if I do. I don't? Good.
The creature looked me over with an expression that was equal parts confusion and amusement, before finally saying, "You definitely can't be Lord Tirek. Tirek would never think to use that kind of an argument to stop me." Leaning his head to the left and then to the right, he gave a 'hmmmm', then said, "And yet you are. Curious. And yet also quite interesting. You are a puzzle, and I happen to like puzzles."
Glaring at the creature in question with an eyebrow raised, I reined in my anger. I was not about to start cursing at someone who could change into Godzilla at will. While my counterargument had prevented me from being squashed, if he decided to transform into a generic dragon or something along those lines, I was screwed.
I admitted, with a chuckle, "You're the second person to figure out on your own that I'm not him." Extending my hand, I said, "Name's Conrad. And you would be?"
The incredibly strange creature took my hand, shook it, and said, "Discord. Shall we step inside? We have a great deal to discuss."
Stats
Page generated in 0.027 seconds
Total duration
950 users online
406,387 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
NEW CHAPTER UP!!!
5452836
yay!
There is NO way that could possibly exploited by any ex-human is there?
Ooh, dis gon b gud.
Oh Discord.
I love that anypony else would be like 'what the hell' with the copyright things but he's just like
"I am the spirit of Chaos, but I cannot have any copyright infringement..."
5452855
Well, why would an ex-human go to Pony-Hell?
5452862 Not what I was thinking about.
Oh my god.... Amazing
5452860
Well, there are some forces beyond even him.
Emperor Kickass McAwesometown continues to live up to his name by winning a boxing match...
By copyright laws.
THE POWER OF THE MOVIE NERDS TRIUMPHS ALL!
oh come on, that's awful grimdark awful fast---
5452887
No, let's be clear. He did the following:
He punched the f*** out of a shark.
He won a boxing match against an octopus.
He defeated Godzilla by calling Bull****.
It is important to be precise in matters concerning overall awesomeness.
~yaaaaaaaaaay~
5452892
You did read the second chapter, right?
... Imma level with you... Should probably have a dark tag up.
derpicdn.net/img/2013/8/12/398782/full.jpeg
We need one of those objection things made for Tirek.
What the what?
I should have prepared myself for that random tag.
5452897
A Dark tag implies a prevalently dark theme. This story is a lot more comedy than it is dark.
Oh shit !? What the hell? *reading Hades hell*
Now that a Ghost.
I sense a diabolical plan of discordant nature brewing.
Oh man, I'm going to have to remember this if I ever come across Godzilla.
Uncle confirmed Disney villain
Silly Lord Conrad, your telephone poll isn't worth raw beans if you don't have a proper insert slot for it. Besides, stallions are known for... fast fading connections, iffin ya catch my drift.
So, he fought Megashark and Giant Octopus? Neat! And he bullshitted Discord, the king of bullshit tricks, into skirting around copyright infringement too!
Unless the Godzilla was just a prop animatronic, because I think that's just as plausible.
I so wanna see our dude squash and gnash the oh so amazing magic of Skyflower's nazi uncle between his teeth like a green grape. It'll be... delicious.
5452836 And loved ever minute of the read
Nice bit on Skyflower
one of the blessed "lucky" ones when it comes to hangovers and cursed with that kind of family
5452879
Indeed, there are some things not to be trifled with by anyone.
Have been checking my favorites list with the hopes I'd see an update before going to bed.
Was not disappointed.
Awesome stuff--can't wait to see what develops with the changeling situation.
5452910
I'm not saying you should remove the comedy tag, this just seems to be a kind of... Dark comedy... What with the uh.... Well, you know.
I love these chapter titles. they tell a story all on their own. lol.
Haha, I didn't expect this to go this way at all... and you know what? I like it even more so now.
Anyone ever tell you. You my be the most hilarious author ever.
?Teach me your ways!
You know I enjoy Conrad because he is silly yet still got enough marbles to be genre savvy to the point he can avoid getting one hit wondered by Discord. Also I wish I could watch a octopus and Tirek get in a boxing match...it would be fun to witness =w=.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/552/778/f7e.jpg
And the best part of the fanfic was Conrad using copyright claim to make sure that Discord wouldn't beat Conrad as Godzilla. Way to go, Conrad! Also, it's going to be interesting to see how Discord and Conrad's conversation will go in the next chapter. Keep it up!
No, you married Lord Tirek.
Lord Tirok is something else entirely.
Don't forget, the racist uncle is also a noble, because they always are in these stories.
You are fucking fabulos best chapter yet
he's supposed to yell
not bull*****
I mean come on, you handed that to yourself on a silver plate!
you did it again gust win it start to git going it was over
5452976
no, I don't know why should this have a dark tag? I always thought dark tag was for Heros lose, bad end, or lots and lots of killing. So far 1 death and a mention of a bad guy who had someone offed does not seem to be dark. IMHO.
This chapter was bucking nonsense... and I loved it!
The shear randomness of this story is beautiful and made me bust out laughing at 1 in the morning. So thanks for that it made my night and have a nice day if you read this.
5452976 I still say there should a Humor tag separate from the Comedy tag. Just to keep people from whining about Dark Humor....then again, people could just accept that Dark comedy/humor is still comedy/humor. Like this:
What worse than 3 dead bodies in a barrel?
ANSWER: 1 dead body in 3 barrels.
It's called shock humor.
I love you and this story right now... No homo to you, some homo to the story
DOTH LORD TIREK HATH TO SUE A BITCH?!?
I look forward to Discord hearing the Emperor's new name.
"In my defense, I was drunk and so were they."
I anticipate this when the dead uncle finally confronts Conrad.
Nappa is Conrad.
5453041 ohmahgod! MY MAIN COURSES!
https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ9Bl2f4Sd97gBlNbjFH2gznkD7LAHkyk9YVuAJllGuP5El32-G
Wooooooo
Wow. I thought the Queen Chrysalis thing was kind of a one-off dark moment, but it looks like you're rolling with it.
So, a bunch of parts, all radically inclined, put into a story? Darkness, hilarity, moral supremacy, and simple drama. I like it.
Great story so far. And can I just say, THANK YOU FOR GIVING HIM A NAME. I've seen so many good stories ruined by the main human being known as anon. ANY NAME WOULD DO.
Dude, why do you have to drop something horribly dark in every story you write? What the hell? You can't just drop that kinda stuff into a story as carelessly as you like.